Love, hate, and MeepMeep

Several ideas have been swirling around in my head for a while, and I thought it would be interesting to combine them here and see what happens.

 

I've mentioned this before, but I believe that God used my previous cats Macho and Choochie (pictured on the left) to teach me about how to relate to Him, and now He's using MeepMeep (pictured on the right) to teach me about how to love people. Notice that in this photo, Macho and Choochie are politely enjoying themselves while respecting my things, but MeepMeep is totally making herself at home in MY space. (I didn't even know it was possible to use a piano keyboard as a scratching post, but MeepMeep figured out a way. She's impressive.)

I will now abruptly switch gears. Last week -- on Valentine's Day -- one of the higher-ups at work gave us a tirade about how we weren't working fast enough or good enough. I was reminded pretty quickly that God really intended this job to be a temp job, cuz I ain't gonna want to stay all that long in a place that lectures me for working my butt off for them. Know what I mean? I've been trying to keep as of positive an attitude as I can during this prolonged season of temp-employment, because I honestly am thankful for the paycheck, and because I know that God is doing some important things inside me right now, and because I know that He wants me there right now. (And because I wouldn't be able to work where I REALLY want to work for at least another six months). A guest pastor at church preached a sermon at the beginning of the year in which he encouraged us to persevere, and I know that my job is a place where I need to just keep my head down and press through, especially when it's difficult. But a lecture at work on top of it being Valentine's Day just made the entire day a load of --

Anyway, while I was doing dishes either that night or the day after, I remarked to the Lord about how crazy it was that I could suddenly go from loving the upper-level managers at work to hating them. He basically said, "That's what it's like with authority. You either love them, or you hate them. You've been trying to find a middle ground, but you won't." I will probably be chewing on that piece of wisdom for the rest of my life.

I'm not saying that this is a word for the body of Christ at large, or for everybody, but I know that it's for me. I think there's some biblical evidence for it. For instance...

"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon." (Jesus talking in Matthew 6:24 about money, but I think the same principle applies)

"When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice; but when a wicked man rules, the people groan." (Proverbs 29:2)

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength." (Deuteronomy 6:5, where I think it's very interesting how God, the ultimate Authority of all authorities, tells us how He wants us to relate to Him)

One of my English teachers in high school shared one of the coolest pieces of wisdom I've ever heard: The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. Love and hate involve passion, but indifference doesn't involve any passion at all. That's why love and hate are basically like a switch. You can go from loving something/someone one day to suddenly hating it/them the next. All you did was redirect your passion.

I think that can happen with authority figures. I frickin' LOVE being under authority, I love being mentored, and I love getting to flourish under somebody else's wing. But if that somebody suddenly shames me, abuses me, or otherwise disses me -- especially if I've been faithful and hardworking -- I can get resentful VERY quickly. I'll start fighting very hateful thoughts toward that person. God has been showing me that those thoughts might not necessarily go away right away... or at all.

I'm in a unique season of my life when my emotions are so freed up that I'm unhinged on the inside. I'm in my early 40s, I don't have a husband or parents to answer to, and I really couldn't care less about what other people think about me. Basically, I have nothing to lose. There's so much freedom to just go for it right now. So, I'm kind of getting an emotional crash course in self-control.

I understand that when an offense happens, I need to forgive. If I'm bitter about something, I need to work through it and get rid of it. If I get wounded, I need to let God heal me from it before it festers and destroys me. I'm acutely aware of this process. When the rage against the authority flows freely through my insides, I need to control it and work through it. Currently, when I talk to God about it, He basically just says something like, "Keep it in your head. You're not acting on it." Some days, the stuff I internally work through can get pretty intense.

But my word for this year is "brazen." God has been showing me that I'm tough; I'm strong; I can handle stuff that maybe I didn't realize I could handle in the past. I'm strong enough to choose love, honor, and blessing. I'm strong enough to NOT punch anybody in the face. I'm strong enough to NOT take revenge (or to let God take it Romans-12 style).

I'm strong enough because God has strengthened me and shaped me in the fire... kind of like a Blacksmith forging an iron weapon to be used in battle. Say hello to His little friend: Tirzah. She's strong enough to kick the devil in his scrawny little --

Abruptly switching gears again, I'm learning how to show other people grace, and I'm learning how to show myself grace. I think I understand more than ever why God doesn't sanitize my internal emotional flare-ups: I wouldn't be myself.

  

My cat MeepMeep has been going into heat rather frequently this winter. (I think the cold weather is what gets her all excited.) It's kind of like a Jekyll and Hyde thing where she turns into a completely different cat for a week or so. When she's normal, I'm SO glad to have her back to her old self because she's more manageable. When she's in heat, she only has one thing on her mind, and she won't leave me alone until her passion is satisfied. (Sorry, kitty, but Mama isn't a boy cat.)

It can get pretty overwhelming. I've even considered taking her back to the vet office and telling them that it isn't working out for her to live with me anymore. I've thought about it... but I won't do it. If I were to return her, you'd may as well rip my heart out with a fork.

Because I love her. I want her just the way she is -- misplaced passion and all. Yes, I can't wait until her hormones have all worked themselves out of her system for good and she doesn't go into heat anymore. But here's the deal: I wouldn't trade her or her intense emotions for anything -- NOT EVEN FOR A NORMAL CAT.

See that picture I shared of her several paragraphs up? That was her saying Hi to me while I was writing this post. This evening, she's normal, so I'm able to write this thing in peace.

When she's in heat, she's restless and insatiable. But I don't disown her. I don't lock her away in a room until she decides to behave. I let her finish her cycle, even if it is a major inconvenience for me. And when she's finished her cycle, we've come through yet another situation where we've bonded together, and she's stronger as a cat. (For example, after her most recent heat cycle, she started meowing more.)

People can be the same way. They can get obsessive about one little issue, and they won't leave you alone until their restlessness is satisfied. Shunning or shaming these people can be an easy way to get rid of them... but being patient with them can help you understand their heart, and vice versa. Then after they've worked through their issue, come down off their soapbox, or simply calmed down, perhaps you've gained a lifelong friend.

I'm learning all kinds of interesting lessons about people right now. One thing I've noticed is that grown adults can totally turn into little kids anytime they learn something new, or anytime they're comfortable in a situation, or anytime they're fully allowed to be themselves. If you're in charge when this happens, you gotta put your big-girl pants on and be patient, gracious, and loving towards them. (And you might also need to draw some boundaries.) Otherwise, you'll hurt them.

I know what I'm talking about, because it's happened to me. But hopefully I've learned how NOT to treat people.

As a side note, I hope I'm not being all hoity-toity about me being an awesome leader. I already know I'm not perfect. Maybe there are people out there who hate me, too. I heard choir people talk about me behind my back once. (Or maybe they just thought it was behind my back.) I think and pray through that type of thing with God, too. When you let people express how they're really feeling, you get to see what's really in their heart.

For now, I'm enjoying MeepMeep's normal streak. I just now walked a few laps around the living room while I was holding her. For the record, she is much more affectionate than Macho and Choochie ever were. MeepMeep's emotions aren't always very controlled, but they are always very deep. I like it that way.

I think God likes it that way, too, and I think that's why He doesn't zap me off the face of the earth whenever I'm acting like a foolish little --

Thanks for reading!

Peanuts, provision, and déjà vu

My church is currently wrapping up a 21-day corporate fast that we usually do every January. This time around, I felt like God wanted me to do a 7-day fast to symbolize that my current season is a short one. In addition, anytime I would drink coffee during my fast, God wanted me to drink it black to symbolize the bitterness of my current season. (God is really into symbolism.) When I started my fast and drank my first sip of coffee, I remarked, "That tastes terrible."

Indeed.

I ate nothing but soup for seven days; if I could put something into a soup, I could eat it. Before I began my fast, I thought/prayed through the different types of things that I could put into a soup -- like cookies? God was like, No, don't put cookies into a soup. (It would be inappropriate and gross.) But He did give me the green light for peanut-butter crackers once or twice. That was pretty good. Most of the time, I toasted a slice of bread, tore it into pieces, and floated them on top like croutons. With chicken noodle soup, the toast would get soggy pretty quickly (which isn't a problem if you eat quickly), but I ate a few bowls of bean-and-ham soup that was pretty thick and allowed the toast to float and stay crispy for a while. (And it tasted awesome with barbecue sauce mixed into it.)

But my favorite was the cup of ramen noodle soup with unsalted peanuts mixed into it (the middle one in the photo I shared at the beginning of this post), which I would eat for lunch at work. In fact, I liked it so much that I've decided to eat it more often, like on days when I need to eat a quick/cheap dinner after work.

Several weeks ago, a pastor preached a sermon about persevering in the new year. I know that 2018 will be a very awesome year for me. But right now I'm still living in the aftershocks of the latter part of 2017, which for me included unemployment/underemployment and the financial issues that came with it. I'm still waiting to be hired permanently at my temp job, still waiting for my side-job opportunities to be lucrative, still waiting for that non-compete agreement I signed with my previous employer to expire, and still waiting for continued financial provision.

Right after I finished my fast, I crunched some numbers and was hit afresh with the reality of my need for God to provide me with some cash. But He reminded me that the season I'm in won't last forever. It will be short (like my fast), I'm going to need to remember the things that I'm currently learning, and I'm going to look back on all this and laugh someday. (And hopefully the things that I'm walking through will help somebody else someday.)

I'm thankful for my current job, but it really does pay peanuts, so to speak. God has shown me that sometimes peanuts are enough. (Especially when they're swirled around in a steaming-hot cup of ramen soup. Aww, yeah.)

 

Around the very beginning of this year, God showed me that I would be experiencing some déjà vu. That caught my attention. Years ago, I was part of a church that taught that déjà vu was something that you needed to get freedom from -- as if déjà vu were some kind of occult activity. But I never really understood why.

Déjà vu (the feeling that you've already experienced something before) means that there's a glitch in the Matrix, right? (Black cat suddenly appears near Neo and meows.) That means the agents have changed something -- run!

Hold on, now. If the Matrix is symbolic of life in this world, which is overseen by God, then Him changing something in the Matrix is a GOOD thing, not something that you need to rebuke. God can change as many things in my world as He wants -- in fact, I need Him to.

Last Saturday (while I was fasting), I returned home from running an errand or two and noticed on the right side of my car that my fender clip was loose. I tried to screw it back in, but it wouldn't tighten. Since I had gotten my fender liner replaced several months ago (right after I lost my job), I drove to the dealership that had made the repair so that they could fix the clip. Sure enough, it was broken, and they replaced it very quickly, free of charge. There it is pictured several paragraphs up. I had never been so excited to see a fender clip in my entire life.

But I had some déjà vu during that mini-crisis -- it was as if I were having car trouble all over again. But where was the demonic activity that supposedly needed to be rebuked? I didn't sense the presence of any demons. I was being taken care of by a God who makes sure I notice details just in time, who provides everything I need, and who is just as concerned about my safety as I am. (Actually, I think He cares more about my safety than I do.)

So, who are these freedom-curriculum writers who had this cockamamie idea about déjà vu being some weird occult thing? Whoever they are, I think they're full of it. I think I've even found some examples of déjà vu in the Bible.

I think God sometimes gets déjà vu while He's watching us live our lives...

"Now Abraham said of Sarah his wife, 'She is my sister.' And Abimelech king of Gerar sent and took Sarah." (Genesis 20:2)

"So Isaac dwelt in Gerar. And the men of the place asked about his wife. And he said, 'She is my sister'; for he was afraid to say, 'She is my wife,' because he thought, 'lest the men of the place kill me for Rebekah, because she is beautiful to behold.' " (Genesis 26:6-7)

I think if Peter had been paying attention, he would have gotten déjà vu, too...

"Then the servant girl who kept the door said to Peter, 'You are not also one of this Man's disciples, are you?' He said, 'I am not.' ... Now Simon Peter stood and warmed himself. Therefore they said to him, 'You are not also one of His disciples, are you?' He denied it and said, 'I am not!' One of the servants of the high priest, a relative of him whose ear Peter had cut off, said, 'Did I not see you in the garden with Him?' Peter then denied again; and immediately a rooster crowed." (John 18: 17, 25-26)

I think Paul's struggle exemplifies the type of déjà vu that we as believers can feel while we're walking through this crazy life as best we can...

"And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' " (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

I think déjà vu can be a good thing for me, if it happens because God is restoring me...

"You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth." (Psalm 71:20)

Around the beginning of this crazy unemployment/underemployment season last year, God showed me that I wasn't afraid of the unknown; I was afraid of the KNOWN. I was afraid of going through yet another season of financial difficulty. I guess it was only natural to fear that sort of thing, because financial problems are never a fun thing to live through. Creditors treat you like a criminal. Potential employers treat you like a child. Relatives or well-meaning friends can treat you like a problem. You do your best to look for work but end up feeling like a useless member of society. And you wonder if you'll ever be able to catch up. Or fit in.

But, if you've followed my blog for the past several months, you know that God has provided for me financially in some seriously awesome ways. And I know He's gonna continue to do so. I have an idea of what's coming, so I kinda know what to expect, because I've already lived through something similar.

That's my kind of déjà vu.

Casserole

This post is kind of like the writings in my Candy dish series but hopefully a little meatier and more substantial. I have a few ingredients swirling around in my head, and I thought I'd mix them up, pop them in the oven for a bit, and see what turns out. Enjoy!

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When I was a teenager, long after all the other teenagers my age had gotten their driver's licenses, Dad decided that it was time to teach me how to drive. (I've probably blogged about this before, but I was thinking about it recently.) He made this decision spontaneously -- without consulting Mom -- at night. So, he put me behind the wheel of the family car for the first time -- AT NIGHT. In the dark. No prior training or pep talk that I can recall. Not in an empty parking lot. In actual functioning streets.

Dad was a natural basketcase, but riding with a brand-new student driver -- IN THE DARK -- made him all the more anxious. On top of that, he was a terrible instructor, so of course this was not a good experience for me. Thankfully (and mercifully), I didn't wreck the car, and we both made it through the ordeal alive.

Later on, I heard that he complained to my sister about how I didn't know what I was doing -- that I didn't even know how to use the turn signal. Well, duh, Einstein. You were supposed to teach me. And what a stroke of genius it was to give me my first driving lesson AT NIGHT.

In the past several months, I've been thinking about how God is a Father who's totally unlike my birth father. I know I've thought about this subject plenty in the past, but God has wanted me to think about it some more. So, while I was thinking about this first driving lesson recently, I wondered if maybe that experience was completely the opposite type of parenting that God does with us -- those of us whom He has adopted as His children. Then I realized that my first driving lesson wasn't really a "don't let this happen to you" type of parenting example. It was more of a metaphor for trials.

During a trial, you're suddenly forced into the driver's seat of a vehicle that you've never driven before -- and that you've never had any training on how to drive, ever. Everything is new and scary all at the same time. It's dark, you can't see where you're going, you don't KNOW where you're going, and you don't know what you're doing. And to make things worse, you've got the voice of fear freaking out in the front seat with you.

Maybe years later, you suddenly find yourself in the driver's seat of another vehicle that's just like the one you drove that night, only this time it's easier because you know what to expect. You've had practice, you have a piece of authority with you (driver's license), you know where you're going, you know what you're doing, and you no longer allow the voice of fear to ride with you. Not to mention, it's daylight now, because you've thought ahead and do most of your driving before the sun goes down.

So, you know it's going to be OK.

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This casserole ingredient is rated R. Raw. Reality. Ready or not, here it comes.

See my little MeepMeep pictured above? Aww, so adorable. Her halo is blinding you, isn't it? I actually took this photo earlier today when she was calm and back to her normal self.

Earlier this week, she was not her normal self. She was in heat. In fact, she's gone into heat several times since she came to live with me. At first, I guess I was kind of naive and didn't know what, um, the body fluids were that she was emitting. But through internet research (where I learned more than I needed to know) and in consulting with the vet, I learned that it is possible for a female cat to go into heat after she has been fixed. In MeepMeep's case, what more than likely happened is that while she was carrying her kitten(s), giving birth, etc., the composition of her ovaries changed a bit -- causing them to be somewhat unrecognizable during the spaying surgery. So, any altered ovarian tissue that's been left behind has caused her to go into heat.

At first, I wondered if perhaps she could smell Macho's scent in my furniture. (The neighborhood cats always used to come looking for him through the window.) But I think her experiencing these amorous cycles is just a minor fluke.

When MeepMeep goes into heat, it can last for 1-2 days or 5-7 days at a time. It will start with acute separation anxiety and howling. My sweet little meep-meeping cat will turn into a horny little deep-growling beast who doesn't let me exist in a room by myself or sleep at night. She doesn't say, "MeepMeep"; she says, "WowWow." She will crouch on the ground, move her tail to the side, and do a little dance. When she's finished, she'll repeat her little dance almost indefinitely. I love my cat, but I like her a lot better when she isn't in heat (because when she's in heat, she isn't herself).

I tried almost everything I could think of to live with this freakish phenomenon: I would ignore her, or I would pet her and let her finish. I even downloaded some mood music onto my phone for her so that I could humor her and just ride out her little trial.

But when she started humping my arm (or my leg), she took things a little too far. I've said things that I never thought I would utter as a crazy cat lady: "They scooped out your equipment so that you wouldn't be able to have kitties anymore; this part of your life is over; I'm sorry." "I love you, but not that way." "Mama's not going to DO you." "Do you want a cigarette?" (It's OK to laugh.) Egad. Sorry, kitty, my arm just wants to be friends.

A few days ago, I finally found out how to snap her out of her mood: Vocal exercise #1, the humming exercise. When I buzz-sing my voice warmup, she immediately stops purring, her body perks up to listen, and she scurries away.

Aww, yeah. Being a musician is finally coming in handy.

As I've thought about MeepMeep's condition and about how I ended up adopting a cat who, um, can still get very hormonal, I've thought about what God said right before I brought her home: She needs me, and I need her. I don't know if anyone else would be able to put up with her horniness but me. And it's not like I have no idea what comes over her.

If you followed my blog a couple of years ago, maybe you remember that I've struggled with lust. That struggle isn't over yet, but I've still been fighting, and I've learned a TON about God as He and I have been walking through that struggle together. When I talk to MeepMeep and tell her that she's not a piece of meat, it reminds me of the real talks that God and I have. When MeepMeep wakes me up in the middle of the night and does her little dance, it reminds me of all those late-night hours that God and I have wrestled through my issue together. When I play her mood music on my phone and let her finish, it reminds me of the way that God has been patient with me and hasn't slapped me away.

Because He adopted me, and He can't send me back. He's stuck with me forever. And we like it that way.

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My church is very cool. They encourage their pastors to take a sabbatical every seven years (e.g., several weeks off every seven years so as to prevent burnout). When I woke up yesterday morning, it dawned on me that I've been involved in my church for a little over seven years (I started attending in 2009 but started to really dive in deep in the middle of 2010). This year, 2017, God strongly encouraged me to rest (and I'm really going to miss it when the clock strikes midnight tonight). So, even though I'm not on staff with my church (although I dream to be someday), I think God gave me my version of a sabbatical.

Very cool.

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This has been a crazy life-season for me. I'm thankful to have a temp job, but since it pays about $7 an hour less than what I was making before, I've been struggling financially. But God has been encouraging me along the way. One thing He's said is, "This isn't for now. It's for later." I think that means that the lessons I've been learning, the opportunities I've been exploring, and the things that God has been setting me up for will come in handy in a future life-season. Even though I've been avoiding the harassing creditor phone calls in the meantime.

I think that means that I'm not a screw-up. I'm not a loser. I haven't taken several giant steps backwards in my life. I'm just letting God reposition my footing so that I can walk forward properly later. And maybe I'll meet somebody who will need to know the lessons that I'm learning now. Then maybe my story will help them.

That will be worth it.

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Have you ever flushed a public toilet, only to not have everything flush all at once? Maybe it's one of those dinky environmental models that doesn't use much water pressure. One redneck way to trick it is to use momentum. You flush it the first time, and then right before it finishes filling up with water, you flush it a second time. Then WHOOSH -- the momentum from the second flush will create enough pressure to let everything all go down. (At least, that's my non-plumber guesstimate of what happens.) Then you can exit the stall and move on with your life.

Trials can be like that, too.

I've felt like God has been telling me that the purpose of 2017 was to show me how strong I am. Then in 2018, I'm going to use that strength.

Even though my 2017 was a year of rest, and most of it felt like I was on vacation, lots of crazy things happened to me -- especially during the last four months of the year. I lost my job, then WHOOSH my car battery died, then WHOOSH the fender liner of my car came undone, then WHOOSH I was denied unemployment benefits, then WHOOSH I lost my cat, then WHOOSH I got a job that only pays most of my bills. And look at me. I'm still alive and kicking. I'm still the badass that God has been creating me to be.

I just hope that everything that needed to be flushed out is already gone. I loved my 2017 as a whole, but I'll be darned if I'm going to go through the momentum of those last four months again.

I know for sure that God knows what He's doing. I trust Him.

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"Oh, how great is Your goodness, which You have laid up for those who fear You, which You have prepared for those who trust in You in the presence of the sons of men!" (Psalm 31:19)

Here's another thing that God has shown me: If I'm going to go through a financial struggle, Christmastime is the perfect time for it because at this time of year, frankly, people tend to be more generous than usual. (And in Texas, the weather in November/December tends to be pretty kind to my electric bill.)

I've shared one example of awesome generosity in a photo a few paragraphs up. Some very generous friends gave me containers full of food and Christmas desserts. (These actually aren't all of them.) I enjoyed their contents, washed them, and created some storage space for them. Yes, I had to make room for these blessings because they were more than what I had been prepared to receive. As I looked at the empty containers yesterday, I was thinking/talking to God, "That's like 2018." He replied, "Mm-hmm," kind of with a wide-eyed tone in His voice that maybe you'd use with a teenager who's finally catching a clue about how to live an adult life. ("Um, yeah, I already knew that, kid. Welcome to reality.") It wasn't condescending, but it was a light-bulb moment for me.

Yes! That's it! My 2018 is already set up for me. It's like a set of empty containers that are waiting to be filled with the good things that God's stored up for me. And we've had to make room to receive all the blessings. It is going to be that overwhelming of an amount.

I've been talking about me and my life, but maybe 2018 will be like that for you, too, reader. I'm sure God has some awesome things up His sleeve for you, too. Maybe they're good things that will require some preparation to receive. Just some food for thought.

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Earlier today, I felt like God told me that life would gradually go back to normal, and then it would suddenly become awesome.

I'm ready. BRING IT ON.

Two lists

This evening, as a prelude to working on a writing project, I decided to write this blog post as a warmup. Not a pity party or an advice magnet. Just a warmup.

I understand that my independence is God's gift to me, and I love it. I have no intention of getting married anymore. (I mean, how could I pick from all those dozens of suitors that keep fighting over me? Laughing out loud!) The physical desire for marriage is still there, but emotionally I am 100% happy being single and staying that way forever. (If I were to ever get married at this point in my life, the poor guy would just be a live-in booty call. Just keeping it real.) And although I used to want to have dozens of children, I stopped wanting to have kids a long time ago. (Menopause is just around the corner, and why would I want to adopt a kid and raise him/her all by myself? No way.) So, what I'm about to write is sincere and humorous simultaneously.

So, here are my DISADVANTAGES OF LIVING ALONE WITH CAT:

1) When my back itches, I have to use my remote control or my hair dryer as a back scratcher.

2) I always have to take out my own garbage.

3) Valentine's Day royally sucks every year.

4) The Bible ain't kidding when it says that two are better than one because they get a better reward for their labor. Lately, all my 40-hour-a-week labor has left me with is a small pile of unpaid bills. That is a lousy reward.

5) I am unable to express myself sexually God's way (e.g., through marriage), which is a huge bummer whenever the hormones hit. Just keeping it real.

And here are my ADVANTAGES OF LIVING ALONE WITH CAT:

1) I don't have to take anyone out for a walk or keep anyone on a leash.

2) I can reserve all of the human food in my home for myself without any guilt trips.

3) If my checkbook has been balanced incorrectly, there's no question as to who messed up.

4) I don't need to ask anyone's permission to bring home takeout for dinner, go shopping, work overtime, participate in an extra activity, or stay out late.

5) If I need to wake up early in the morning (which honestly can happen anytime between 3:30 a.m. and 6 a.m. on a regular basis), I don't have to worry about disturbing anyone except the neighbors.

6) I can sing those crazy vocal exercises whenever I need to, not worrying about disturbing anyone except the neighbors.

7) Since I'm pretty stingy with the electric bill, I can keep the lights or the heat as low as I want.

8) I don't need to be considerate of other people when I'm spending time in the bathroom.

9) My imagination and creativity are continually sharpened. (No offense, married people, but it is possible to have a life without a spouse and without children. There is no need to force my life into your box of comprehension.)

10) My cat's continually sharpened claws continually sharpen my cat-like reflexes.

11) If I have an emotional meltdown while I'm at home, I don't have to apologize to anyone or explain myself. I can just have a good cry with God, and my cat will probably just keep grooming or napping as if nothing unusual were happening.

12) I can pump my own gas, check the air pressure on my own tires, and get my own car serviced -- and still be a heterosexual female while doing it.

13) Planning, picking, buying, and hauling my own groceries is always a natural high. And a life-workout. Especially when coupons are involved.

14) Whenever I make a decision, the only Person I need to consult with is God. (I love my cat, but she doesn't get to weigh in on any decisions. Unless she were to get a job.)

15) Despite what you may think or what people may tell you, family holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas can actually be pretty cool when you're single -- if you have people to spend them with. (The first year or two were hard for me, but then they got better.) And my cat honestly couldn't care less.

16) Whenever I wash dishes or load the dishwasher, I know that I'm the only one who dirtied those dishes -- and I don't have to give or take feedback about it to or from anybody.

17) I get to wear my hair, dress up in my clothes, and decorate my apartment however the heck I want -- without having to please anybody.

18) I don't have any offspring to throw into the mix of my family / non-family dynamics. Egad, that would be complicated.

19) When I'm at church and the pastor prays for "every family represented here," I get that household prayer all to myself (and my cat).

20) If I ever feel like composing a song or writing a blog post or doing anything that requires private creativity, I don't have to shoo anyone out of my home or struggle to find a quiet place to do it. I can just do it.

OK, so this turned out to be a pretty big warmup. But the second list is longer. Sunglasses smiley.

White-collar freebies

I originally meant for this to be a Facebook post, but since it was becoming pretty lengthy in my mind, I decided to post it here instead. I would like to offer you some of the things I've learned during my 20+ years in the American workforce:

1. The world doesn't revolve around you. When you're away from the office, not everyone will miss you. When you make a mistake, not everyone will shame you. Beware of anyone who tries to convince you otherwise. And just know that your company's mission will always be bigger than YOU.

2. The employees who smoke will always be best buddies. The only real way to get into their clique is to smoke with them. (Not recommended.)

3. If you know yourself, you'll do a better job. For example, I've discovered that I'm a kinesthetic learner. I learn by doing. That means I probably won't remember everything I'll read in the training manual. I'll need lots of repetition, trial and error, and the opportunity to ask lots of questions. Then I'll remember how to do the job pretty much for the rest of my life. It's often helpful to communicate what you know about yourself to your supervisor as well.

4. Nepotism will ALWAYS exist. Bosses will play favorites and hire their friends and/or family. Sometimes this is a good thing, because they'll hire people who will do an excellent job. And sometimes this is a bad thing, because they'll hire people who will be very incompetent. Just keep your head down and do YOUR very best work. (And frankly, I depend on God's favor to get me jobs to begin with.)

5. CEOs won't hesitate to bring either their children/grandchildren or their pets to the office. Perhaps it is because they want to show them off, or perhaps it is because they do not wish to pay for a sitter. At any rate, they do this because they own the company; therefore, they can do whatever the heck they want, even if it is disruptive (or annoying) to the work environment. Just go with the flow, or maybe use earbuds/headphones if they're allowed.

6. If you work for a good company, there will ALWAYS be good people around; they will most likely be the ones who are running the company. If you work for a bad company, there might not be good people around for very long; they will most likely be the ones who are about to surprise everybody by resigning.

7. Little details can tell you a lot. For example, if a CEO misspells the name of his own company on his LinkedIn page, that means he is very full of himself and/or that he surrounds himself with people who are afraid of correcting him.

8. When the cat's away, the mouse will ALWAYS play.

9. People will protect what they worship. If they worship their job, they will do everything in their power to defend it and keep it happy. Even if it means sacrificing YOU to keep it happy. (I think Morpheus from The Matrix would say that it's because they're utterly dependent on the system.)

10. Entertainment like Dilbert, The Office, and Office Space are so close to the real thing that it's funny. And it's therapy.

11. Don't be afraid of learning new skills on the job. If you got a college degree about 20 or 30 years ago, the information you learned in the classroom can still serve you well... but technology constantly changes the way people communicate with each other and do business. Pay attention to details like file types, document-creation shortcuts, and even keystrokes on your computer. You never know when a new skill (which may seem like a fad at first) could come in handy later on... or could even build onto another skill that you'll need later on.

12. Some jobs come with a lower or higher rate of pay for a reason. Work that requires analytical thinking pays more, and work that isn't rocket science pays less. It's all good work, but it's also good to know that your coworkers at a lower-paying job may not get or want your higher-thinking conversation.

13. There will ALWAYS be people gossiping in the workplace, even if it's explicitly against company policy.

14. Sometimes there will be somebody in the workplace who is like a declawed cat. This person is soft and delicate on the outside but doesn't hesitate to bite when provoked, and they have no outside survival skills. This means that they probably couldn't get a job somewhere else if their life depended on it, so they'll probably be working in the same place forever. This usually occurs because their coworkers/supervisors coddle them and enable all of their babyish behavior. You can definitely be loving, gracious, and kind to this person, but you should otherwise avoid them like the plague. Especially if they try to curl up on your lap only to hiss at you if you make one false move.

15. There will ALWAYS be somebody in the workplace -- at least one person -- who does hard, honest work and who is emotionally mature enough to handle it all. You should make it your goal to be more like this person. Make friends with them, get to know them, and learn as much as you can from them.

The brazen house

In my previous post, I talked about 2017. In this post, I'd like to talk about 2018. Actually, there are several different ideas floating around in my head right now, and I hope they come together OK.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain." (Psalm 127:1)

I work for an insurance services company, and I look at pictures of houses all day. Since I don't have a construction background, I've been learning a lot -- from the ground up. (Ha! Couldn't resist making a pun.) One thing I've learned is that apparently not everybody cares about making a good impression on a home inspector.

Some of the homes that I get to see pictures of are very nice. Most of them are plain and simple, with nothing too out of the ordinary to report. Every once in a while, I'll see a huge mansion-like place and wonder what kind of high-paying jobs the owners have. And, unfortunately more often than not, I'll see a neglected old shack-like place.

Maybe at first glance, just from the front of the house, you'll see a nice-looking home. But if you walk around to the back yard, you'll see junk strewn everywhere, and it won't even seem like you're at the same house.

Or maybe you'll see an immaculate-looking home, but for some reason there will be one or two shrubs that are overgrown and unruly. Or maybe everything about the house will be perfect, except for the minor detail that whoever designed the house forgot to install the gutters or a handrail or a porch. Or an entire wall has grown mold or mildew, and no one has fixed it yet. Or maybe a storm ripped off a huge piece of siding, and the owner is taking their sweet time in replacing it.

But what still shocks me a little bit is the homes that are so covered in trash and overgrown shrubbery that you can barely tell what kind of house it is. And maybe there are also some broken windows or huge pieces of dry rot. Maybe there's also an old car that doesn't run anymore, and it's just sitting in the back yard, probably next to a couple of old appliances or maybe a broken commode. Usually with that type of scene, I'm really glad I'm only looking at pictures and not actually smelling the house.

So, every day at my cubicle is like an intriguing mini-study in human nature. It kinda makes you wonder... Why would you meticulously manicure your front yard but treat your back yard like a giant trash can? Why would you take the time to design a perfectly good house but not install some important items -- like an air conditioner or a driveway? And why the heck would you pour so much money into your house only to neglect it? If you know that your foundation is crumbling, why wouldn't you drop everything to fix it so that everything around you won't just collapse into the ground? It kinda makes you wonder what kind of emotional rock some of the homeowners are living under.

I've probably just lived a sheltered life, but when I first started working at my job, I was amazed at how many different kinds of building materials can be used to create a house. There's brick, wood, stucco, metal, and a zillion different ways to combine them, paint them, arrange them, and permanently set them into the ground. Maybe if you drive down a certain neighborhood, you'll see a street lined with houses that all look the same; but if you look closely enough, you'll notice that they aren't all exactly the same, and they certainly don't all have the exact foliage or upkeep. Behind those four walls (or twelve walls) there are hopes, dreams, histories, and possibilities.

In case you haven't figured it out, what I'm trying to say is that houses remind me of people.

"And I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it." (Jesus talking to Peter in Matthew 16:18)

As I've mentioned on probably multiple occasions, Jesus was a Carpenter (actually, in a sense, He still is One), so the Bible has multiple references to "houses" and "building" things. Jesus knew how to build things when He had a Carpenter job, and He still knows how to build things spiritually.

Metaphorically speaking, I often take a step back and examine my "house," and I wonder what the heck is going on. I hope I haven't permanently damaged anything, I hope the foundation is strong enough to withstand the storms, and I hope I've been maintaining the grounds in the way that the Builder has been wanting me to. And, lately, I've been wondering what the heck has been going on with all these crazy renovations. Should I move? Should I check in to a hotel for a while? And the Builder will say, "I know what I'm doing." So, I'll stay put, and I'll trust Him.

"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit." (Jesus talking in John 15:1-2)

The main word that I keep hearing for my life for 2018 is "brazen." When I first started thinking about this concept, I got really worried that I would get in a lot of trouble in 2018, because one definition of the word "brazen" is insolent, rude, or harsh. (And you know how I can be.) But God has been encouraging me that the word "brazen" will mean so much more than that. For instance, if you're going to pursue creative endeavors, you need to be pretty darn brazen. Artistically, you need to push envelopes, defy boundaries, and really put yourself out there if you're going to create something that's really good. Maybe 2018 will be like a personal renaissance for me (like 1999 was, when I wrote a ton of songs). Maybe God will be brazen for me -- maybe He'll fight for me in ways that I haven't let Him fight for me before. Maybe He'll defend me in ways that I've never gotten to see Him defend me before.

I've also heard that 2018 will be the year of the "suddenly." And, in the same way that 2017 was a year of pruning, 2018 will be a year of shaping.

I would like to offer a disclaimer on what I'm about to say. God knows me. He has a relationship with me. So, He knows how to talk to me. The way that He talks to me may not necessarily work with somebody else. And why should it? I'm me, and you're you. Ain't nothin' wrong with that. So, with that said...

As God was talking to me at random one day (as is one of His many customs), He said, "Next year is going to be f----ing awesome." I've censored it here, but He didn't censor Himself when He spoke. Of course, this alarmed me, because since when does God cuss? So, when I asked Him to confirm that it was really Him speaking, He said, "Did you hear the brazenness in My voice?"

Why, yes, I did. That makes perfect sense. And I totally look forward to having a f----ing awesome year!

 

Changing the subject, I would like to say that MeepMeep is quite different than my previous cats. She's a very good cat, but different nevertheless. In retrospect, I think maybe Macho and Choochie (my tiger and my puma) were kind of wussy in comparison to MeepMeep (my panda bear). Macho and Choochie would vomit every once in a while (either hairballs or undigested food), but I haven't seen MeepMeep vomit at all in the two months that I've known her. (Maybe she passes her hairballs in the litterbox?) Well, it sure is nice to not have to spend so much time cleaning the carpet.

Maybe one thing that made Macho and Choochie so soft and relatively wussy is that they were adopted when they were kittens. They were fully domesticated pretty much all their lives, minus their first few weeks of life. My sweet little babies.

MeepMeep, however, didn't begin her domestication process until she was maybe a couple years old, and she didn't move in with me until she was about three. She's been a feral cat for most of her life, so she has some street smarts. She's alert, she has quick reflexes, she moves at lightning speed, and yet when she communicates with humans, it's usually with a high-pitched, quiet "meep." These are some very strong survival skills that I think helped keep her alive before she was domesticated.

However, a side effect of all these cool skills is that she's still pretty wild. Several paragraphs up, I shared a photo of what I found one morning when I was trying to make my lunch. I noticed that my loaf of bread was shredded in a few places. Like a chew toy. My gosh. I didn't know cats DID that type of thing. So, I store my bread inside my pantry now.

MeepMeep is also wild in the way that she plays and interacts with me. Her nails have scratched me multiple times, so I've been plotting a way to subtly ambush her to trim her nails. And she playfully gnaws on my arm from time to time. I think maybe she's still learning that Mama doesn't have fur like she does and that she can accidentally hurt me. Lately, she's also begun biting my leg and knee. (I wouldn't get arrested for gently pinching her in self-defense, would I?) I've shared a video here of her biting my leg one evening. Ha! Literally an ankle-biter.

Here's the part where you might get offended. (Did you hear the brazenness in my sudden disclaimer?) I've felt like God has shown me that Macho and Choochie taught me how to love God and let Him love me (e.g., pretty much everything I've blogged about in the past eight years or so). But I've felt like He's shown me that MeepMeep will teach me how to love people.

I love MeepMeep -- my adorable little panda bear cat -- but when she bites me, it hurts. Sometimes I yell in pain. She wants to play, or maybe she just wants attention, but she doesn't understand that her survival skills have the power to do some damage. If she leaves a scar, that damage could be permanent.

What I've been learning to do is hone my own survival skills to match hers. Most of the time, I hide my pain so that I won't be a whiny little helpless human, but sometimes I fight back (in ways that won't get me arrested). I've growled at her a time or two, and when her ears got wind of the sound I made, she backed off. And yes, I've gently pinched her a time or two.

But most of the time, I either scurry out of her sharp-clawed grasp or I scoop her up into my arms and love on her. (The latter kind of freaks her out a little.)

So, if God is training me on how to be a pastor someday, I'm learning how to deal with people. Sometimes God's people don't know their own strength. In their quest for attention, they bare their fangs and cause some pain, and they often couldn't care less about the damage they're doing. (Of course, when I say "God's people," I mean me, too. I can totally be a jerk.)

But the truth is, I wouldn't trade MeepMeep for anything. I want her exactly the way she is. Years from now, when she's older and slower, I'm going to miss when she was younger and stronger. I'm choking and tearing up just thinking about it. She has some wildness, but I believe that wildness can be tamed.

I think I'm living proof of that.

The other day, my boss sat me down and told me that I'm doing a good job. She asked me if I had any questions about the job, which of course I did, and she clarified some things for me. After our conversation -- at my job where I look at buildings all day, and probably when 2nd Chapter of Acts' song "Mansion Builder" was playing on my iPhone -- I felt like I heard God ask me, "Would you like to help Me build My church?"

Yes, absolutely. I would love to. I would be so honored to. Whatever You want, here I am.

I know God's house is full of wild, crazy people who sometimes pick on their overseers for sport or bite the hands that feed them. But wildness can be tamed, and it's really something to get to see it happen over time. I know there are parts of God's house that are so fragile and sensitive that if you brush against them the wrong way, you'll make a mess and you'll have to clean it up. But being a part of restoring a treasure can be such a rewarding process that you'll remember for the rest of your life. I know there are parts of God's house that have been neglected and are now rotten and dilapidated, so He's had to step in and do some major repair work. But if He'd like some help during the renovation process, I have a pair of slightly scarred hands that are eager and ready to work.

Just as long as I get to be with Him. That's really all I want.

F----ing awesome!