Raw worship

If you've read any of my previous posts about my adventures in housekeeping, perhaps you'll understand the miraculousness of this photo. In the process of trimming down my File Piles, I have created To-Be-Shredded Piles. Triumphant dance!

Since I used to be a pack rat, I'm not usually in the habit of throwing things away unless it's for symbolic reasons. So, as I recall, I've only thrown away 2 worship CDs in my entire life. The first one was a CD/DVD set that was recorded by a few people who led worship at a church that I used to attend. The DVD offended me because I didn't like how they recorded the intimate moments of "Every head bowed, every eye closed" during the invitation at the end. (The reason for bowing your head and closing your eyes is for the privacy and confidentiality of others, right? And to not broadcast who specifically made decisions, right?) The CD offended me because, in addition to what I felt was a mediocre song selection, one of the songs did what I felt was a command to God to "be blessed" by the praises that were being sung. Um, God is my Best Friend, so I'm all for talking to Him as if He were your Favorite Guy who just came over to chitchat with you about your day, but um, He's also the King of the Universe. I'm not comfortable telling my Lord to "be blessed" about anything. Whether or not He will "be blessed" is His choice, right? I mean, I thought that's what Cain learned the hard way.

The second CD was one that I threw away today. I found out that it was recorded by a "white" congregation. (I hope it's OK if I say that, because I am half-Hispanic and half-non-Hispanic ("white").) So, I hope you can understand how distracted I was while I was trying to worship to this CD today. On one song, I was like, "That sounds like 'La Bamba.'" On another song, I was like, "They're ripping off The Insyderz." On another song, I was like, "I can't listen anymore," and I had to skip to the next song. Most of these songs weren't original; they were covers. I totally don't want to diss anybody's genuine expression of worship or genuine desire to lead anyone into God's presence, but shouldn't I enjoy listening to or worshiping to a CD at least a tiny bit instead of cringing with each "white" attempt at not-really-that-original, sort-of-attempts-to-not-be-white songs?

"Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good; sing praises to His name, for it is pleasant." (Psalm 135:3)

Before I continue with my rambling discourse, I would like to offer a rambling disclaimer. Please keep in mind that I'm a crazy artist/songwriter who pretty much throws her entire being into pretty much anything she's involved with. I don't just pet my cats and tell them hello; I scoop them up into my arms, smooch the fur off of their little faces, fly them through the air like little superheroes in my arms, and I tell them that they're the most adorable kittens in the entire universe. So, that's my style. I don't give life a polite little peck on the cheek; I tackle it, knock the wind out of it, smooch it, embrace it until I cut off its circulation, and then I wrap it around the back of my neck like a fur stole and parade it around my apartment. I don't just feel emotions a tiny bit. I explode crazily with emotions, often to the point of eye-squirting tears, sometimes to the point of giving myself the shakes, and one time to the point of almost fainting and Jesus showing up in my apartment and telling me with a really concerned look on His face to breathe and eat something. So, please know that you're reading the wildly sincere opinion of a lunatic.

I grew up in churches that had dusty old hymnbooks, clunky old pianos, strict dress codes, and lots of rules. So, I don't mean to diss my past heritage, but I just want to be descriptive and honest and say that I truly didn't know what it meant to worship God with music until I went to college. That's when I began to attend church services that sang praise/worship songs (usually non-hymns) and welcomed other biblical expressions of worship besides singing (raising your hands, clapping your hands, falling on your knees/face, shouting, crying, etc.). I think God kinda enrolled me in a surprise crash course on expressing my heart to Him. I quickly learned that I didn't even like Him that much. But I've since learned how patient He is. And I've learned that He values what's in our hearts more than what we can skillfully weave with our music (1 Samuel 16:7).

And there's some really skillfully weaved music floating around nowadays. About a decade ago, I visited the church where Dave Crowder led worship. Before I visited, I had heard one of his CDs, and I liked it, so I was expecting the congregation to do some serious grooving during the music. Well, during the worship service, Dave Crowder and his band were certainly grooving, and he certainly seemed to be worshiping and enjoying God's presence. But when I looked around me, I was shocked to see most everybody just standing up straight, staring straight ahead, not singing, not smiling, not moving. At the time, I wanted to believe God saw their hearts and that they really were worshiping God, even though I couldn't see it. But now when I think about it, I'm disturbed by what I saw -- rather, by what I didn't see. Worship isn't just listening to church music. Worship is expressing your heart to God.

Using my imagination, I think if I were married, my husband would be able to tell how I really felt about him by how I would treat him. If he were to walk into a room, maybe he would like a polite peck on the cheek. Maybe he would even enjoy a polite handshake, especially if other people were watching us interact. Maybe he would be politely satisfied with me mumbling a halfhearted "I love you; you're everything to me; thank you for marrying me." Pffffft, yeah, right.

Rather, I think if I were married, my husband would probably appreciate me not caring who the heck was watching us interact. I think he would probably want me to just express how I honestly cared about him anytime he'd walk into a room. I mean, I think he'd want me to throw my arms around his neck and shower his face with kisses. I mean, I think he'd want me to run my fingers through his hair and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. I mean, I think he'd want to reach for his handkerchief and blot the tears that would squirt out of my eyes when I pour out my honest opinion of how much I love him. I mean, I'm guessing so.

Spiritually, in a way, I think the psalmists in the Bible did pretty much what I described in the previous paragraph. They unplugged their emotions and let it all out. I think that's one reason why the Psalms are pretty messy. I'm not saying to forsake order or control. (Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit that God has been majorly teaching me lately, honest.) I'm saying that when God commanded us to love Him with all our heart, soul, strength, and mind, He wasn't kidding.

I think when we add too much extra stuff to our worship, it ruins the pure expression of the heart. Years ago, I developed a philosophy that I called "raw worship." When you sit down to eat a hot meal, it's nice to chew on some side orders of rice, steamed veggies, and maybe a roll, and it's nice to sink your teeth into a thoroughly cooked slab of juicy meat. But the plate gets pretty crowded with all those veggies and the roll and all the cooked juices swirling around everything and making it mushy. It's best to just eat a simple slab of meat uncooked: raw.

Of course, this wasn't a perfect analogy at all. If you don't eat a balanced meal, you'll suffer from malnutrition. If you don't cook your meat, you could contract parasites and become extremely ill. But my point was that all the stuff crowding the plate was all the different elements of crowded worship songs, and the raw meat was the basic element that every worship song needs. I felt that hot, steamy side orders like "I'm here to worship You" or "Did you feel mountains shake" or "Shout to the four compass points" made the plate crowded. Simple, raw meat like "You're worthy because You're God" or "You bought me, and I'm Yours now" or "Hey, You just parted the Red Sea for me, so I'm going to dance triumphantly" were more what drew me to God's presence and helped me connect straight to His face. I was going for a basic "God is my Lord, my Love, my Life" rather than a doctored-up "Let me draw a picture for the congregation with my words and try to inspire other people as to why God should be worshiped" during an actual worship song.

To a degree, I still adhere to my "raw worship" philosophy today. When I sit down with my guitar, or when I stand up with my keyboard, I'm usually drawn to the simple "God, I love You" songs rather than the "I'm going to sing about the concept of freedom" songs. I hope that makes sense. In recent years, I've learned more about why and how churches choose the songs that they sing. But still, my personal concept of worship is still pretty raw.

And in this particular post, I've really only rambled about worshiping with your heart/soul. I haven't even mentioned worshiping in spirit and truth, which is what Jesus mentioned in John 4:23-24.

Truth be told, God knows exactly what's in our hearts, and He wants to own all of it, and He wants us to love Him with all of it, no matter how messy it may be. Truth be told, He can skillfully transform a File Pile into a To-Be-Shredded Pile. Triumphant dance!