Just show up

I've more than likely mentioned a lot of the following information in previous posts, but I felt like I needed to repackage it here afresh.

I led a lifegroup at my church for a year and a half, and I learned a lot. But I think the most profound thing I learned was the simplest thing that God spoke while I would pray to prepare before the meetings: "Just show up and be yourself." I think the first one or three times I heard this, I asked for clarification. He gave it to me: "You show up and be yourself, and I'll show up and be Myself."

It's amazing how much can be accomplished simply by following the principle of just showing up.

"For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to the grave. I am counted with those who go down to the pit; I am like a man who has no strength, adrift among the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, and who are cut off from Your hand." (Psalm 88:3-5)

"My heart pants, my strength fails me; as for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me. My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague, and my relatives stand afar off." (Psalm 38:10-11)

These verses I just quoted contain some extremely uncomfortable information in them. What if I hadn't included the Psalm chapter and verse references? What if I hadn't used quotation marks? Would you have checked me into a psych hospital and/or given me a harsh rebuke and/or given me a platitude band-aid and hope I'd take my icky ideas elsewhere?

Now that I have your attention, I'm not complaining. The point I'm trying to make is that these are BIBLE VERSES. I've been in church pretty much my whole life. I've noticed that we churchgoers tend to skip over extremely unpleasant verses like these and go right to the "Be anxious for nothing" verses and "Do not worry" verses and hope that problems will immediately go away. But what if they don't?

And what are those extremely uncomfortable verses doing in the Bible, anyway? GASP! Did the psalmists actually have... GASP!! Emotions?? Say it ain't so!!

I hate to tell ya, but it's so. So, what are we supposed to do with all these emotions, anyway?

"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah." (Psalm 62:8)

In 2001, pouring out my heart before God was how I ultimately got free from depression. Now in 2014, God is sort of doing a refurbished version of that lesson with me. I'm currently learning how to ride emotions like waves.

My point is that when emotions happen, even if they're sinful -- especially if they're sinful -- God wants them. I get to puke them out to Him, and the safety of His raw-honest presence is a refuge. If my emotions are wrong, or if my attitude is wrong, or if anything wrong was done to me, or if anything is wrong inside me, period, God's presence is the safest place for Him to fix all of that, even if it takes a while. Being happy, sad, angry, apathetic, confused, anxious, grief-stricken, furious, scared, ecstatic, etc., is 100% safe in God's presence. Please don't let anyone tell you any differently.

In John 8:44, Jesus explains that the devil is the father of lies. That is true. So, I've noticed that the Church's answer to mental health or pretty much any other issue is to get to "the lie" that's at the root of the issue and replace it with God's truth. For example, perhaps a person who's struggling with anorexia, bulimia, and/or self-mutilation was lied to when she was a little girl and told that she was fat and ugly. (Especially if she was actually slender and pretty.) The lie planted deeply in her soul would probably propel her to make bad decisions that lead to unhealthy patterns of behavior. Make sense?

There's definitely nothing wrong with identifying "the lie" and replacing it with the truth. That's how Jesus cleans house. But what if resolving a person's issues is more complicated than soul-hunting for a teensy little lie and getting rid of it?

Tonight, God helped me see that some lies can be huge and woven together like a spider's web. How does the saying go? "What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive?" Hmm. I guess that's what the devil does. Remember what it was like to be a little kid, before you knew how to tell right from wrong, and make up stories to save your hide? (Or maybe that was just me.) You'd start with one little lie, and then it would get bigger and bigger and bigger. You'd spin one little yarn about how you really did brush your teeth, and your toothbrush is dry because the water just evaporated really quickly, and the water molecules rushed out of the toothbrush bristles because your dog rushed into the bathroom and demanded to be fed, but he tripped you, and the air current of his demandingness whooshed all the air away from your toothbrush bristles like a supersonic flood of dryness, and now voila, you have miraculously brushed teeth and a dry toothbrush. I'm having fun making this up, but my point is that some lies can be huge, have deceptive networkings, and can take a very long time to unravel.

What happens during the unraveling?

I think the area of mental health is a severely misunderstood one. It is a hugely complex one. It is a scarily eye-opening one. When you walk through mental health issues, you learn rather quickly who you can trust, who will make you feel worse, and who will be willing to simply show up and walk with you.

This isn't always a pleasant lesson to learn. It results in disappointments, which, of course, kinda keep the mental health issues fueled. But knowing who you can turn to in a crisis is essential. I've learned to pick up on clues. There are some people who I've tested with minor, fun things like "Pray for my job." How they react to that could determine how they can be counted on with major, serious things like "I don't know how to shake this temptation of wanting to cut myself." If somebody replies that they will pray for the minor thing, tries to sympathize or empathize, and/or checks up on me later, of course I'm probably going to think about turning to this person for more serious things. But, while I'm delivering my prayer request, if they bark at me with something like "Lots of people don't like their jobs!" then I'll probably search for a more understanding person elsewhere. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but that's just how I roll for now.

I know about depression firsthand. There can be so many different components to it: demonic, brain-chemical, emotional, situational, etc. Not every case of depression is the same. But I've met at least one person who believes that depression is only demonic. I usually stay away from this type of people. For example, if I'm tearfully pouring out my heart to God, and He and I are talking to each other, I might not be dealing with a demon at all. (Because demons try to keep me away from God. Make sense?)

Many wise people have said this before me: Pain is the great equalizer. Anyone who has experienced pain -- especially if they've allowed themselves to process it honestly -- will more than likely understand what another person is going through when that person is experiencing pain. I more than likely understand what mental health patients experience because I myself have experienced mental health issues.

And I'm just using myself as an example because I know me well. People all over the world can understand each other on all kinds of different issues.

Granted, I don't understand all issues, of course. I have no idea what it's like to experience a miscarriage, because I've never been pregnant. I have no idea what it's like to go through a divorce, because I've never been married. I don't know what it's like to be dumped by a boyfriend, because that's never happened to me. I don't know what it's like to attend a friend's funeral, because that's never happened to me.

But I know what it's like to hurt. I know what it's like to experience deep loss. I know what it's like when my knees buckle out from under me, I tell God, "I can't do this," and I let Him peel me off the floor as He gently comforts me.

And I know what it's like to walk through something alone. I know what it's like for people to blow off what I'm going through. I know what it's like to be lectured when I would rather just be hugged.

Using mental health as an example, I think maybe there are three different types of people that can be encountered during a crisis, while the lies are being unraveled: 1) someone who has been there, 2) someone who thinks you should pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and 3) someone who doesn't understand at all, but who is willing to show up and be available.

I'm not officially complaining. I've just been thinking about what I've learned about mental health throughout the years. I used to be a 2) above, but now I'm a 1). For all the other issues that I've never experienced, I hope I can be a 3).

I really think anyone who's going through a hard time usually just needs a shoulder (to cry on) and an ear (to listen). But that's just my opinion.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't forgive people or not be gracious toward them or not give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm saying if you keep getting kicked when you're down, lectured while you're crying, or ignored when you're reaching out, perhaps you should find someone different to reach out to. And if they don't understand, either, move on to the next person until you find somebody. Jesus will always understand. He can also help you find other human beings who will understand (or try to understand), too.

I don't think I'll always understand God, even after I get to heaven. But I want to keep showing up and getting to know Him. I definitely like how He put an entire songbook smack-dab in the middle of the Bible, and a whole bunch of the songs aren't even pretty (e.g., Psalms 38 and 88 quoted above). It's as if God is giving us permission to be human while we're seeking Him. Yes, some of us actually experience some of the things that happened in the Bible. GASP! Oh, my gosh! Do church people actually have... emotions?? Do we actually have... pain?? Do we actually have to... FEEL ALL OF THAT??? Say it ain't so!!

I hate to tell ya, but it's so. Thanks for showing up.