This post features my thoughts on a couple of (semi) recent news items—and a life update! It’s rather long, probably because I’m in grad school and thus I don’t have a problem with writing long papers. But here’s my disclaimer:
Reader, I love you, and I respect your freedom of speech, but if you publish any ugly comments here or on social media, I will delete them and possibly unfriend you.
When Seeing your Church on TV Isn’t Cool
I’ve been attending my church for nearly fifteen years. During that time, our pastor shared with us multiple times about how he cheated on his wife decades ago; he shared what he learned in that process in the hopes that we wouldn’t sin like he did. But earlier this summer, we learned that the woman with whom he committed adultery was actually an underage girl, over a period of several years. He was removed from the ministry at that time, and he was restored some years later, but now there’s a question as to whether or not the situation was handled properly or legally at the time. So, our pastor committed not only adultery but also pedophilia. He resigned almost immediately after the media heard about it, and an investigation of the situation is currently under way with an outside firm.
My church is still reeling from this news. Since my church is closely affiliated with my school, I’ve seen this news affect my fellow students and staff members as well. But when people first asked me how I was handling all of this, I would casually reply something to the effect of, “I study heresies, cults, and church scandals for fun, so I’ve been kind of desensitized.”
Turns out, it isn’t fun when it’s happening to your church.
If you’ve followed my blog through the years, you know how opinionated I can be. If I’d see a news story about a church whose pastor or leader “fell morally,” I’d share the link and probably say something like, “Aha! See what happens in such-and-such situation?” or “Yep, I used to go to church there—I’m not surprised.” I am now acutely aware of the error of my ways. If that was your church in that news story, please accept my deepest apologies. I am truly sorry. I once heard a worship leader say that God convicted them about not getting on their face to pray about a situation like this instead of judging the people in it, and now I understand why.
Here’s the thing. Anytime you read a news article, watch a YouTube video, listen to a podcast, or watch a TV news broadcast about a pastor’s moral failure, church scandal, etc., that situation isn’t a toy for your mind to play with. That situation wasn’t created for your entertainment. That situation has people in it whose world has just been turned upside down. They’ve been blindsided, they’ve felt betrayed, they’re feeling disillusioned, and they’re grieving the loss of a leader whom they’ve trusted. What happens now? Where do they go from there? If their leader can’t be trusted, who can? And what about this God that their leader kept preaching about? Can He be trusted? Is He still real?
I used to love seeing my church in the news for cool or significantly important reasons, but now it’s horrifying to see my church—my people, my community, my family—reduced to just another media plaything. But that’s not the worst of it. I’ve been appalled at the content and the comments that I’ve seen on social media about this. Instead of a healthy, mature processing online (which is possible but apparently isn’t feasible), I’ve seen vicious attacks full of judgmental rancor. Hence the disclaimer that I posted above.
You know that gossiping is a sin, right? But gossiping isn’t just sitting down with your girlfriend and dishing out all the latest dirt about people you barely know while you two are getting your nails done. In this day and age, gossip can take many subtle forms: “news” articles, YouTube videos, podcasts, etc. You can dress it up as freedom of speech on the internet, but if the content creator is spewing out their opinion about something, alongside a truckload of judgments about the people involved in that something, especially with an air of superiority because they would never stoop so low as to be involved in that something, that’s just plain gossip.
That’s why I’ve been silent about this whole thing until now. (That is, I’ve been silent about it on social media, but I’ve processed plenty about it with people in person.) I don’t know all the gory details surrounding my former pastor’s situation. I wasn’t there. I don’t have any authority to comment on what happened. I’m looking forward to hearing the results of that investigation, but until then, I’m not going to gorge my mind on the gossip or the excessive news coverage that’s surrounding the situation.
Processing an issue is always OK, but gossiping is never OK.
You can keep dragging my former pastor’s name through the mud and gossiping about my church if you want; that’s between you and God. But as for me, I’m taking up His challenge to pray anytime I hear yet another unfortunate story about yet another moral failure in the Church. Because those failures hurt not only the original victims but also the Church.
Accidental Insults, Delayed Reaction
Back in May, a football player named Harrison Butker gave a commencement speech at his college alma mater. It made news headlines mainly because of this part of his speech, when he addressed the women in his audience: “Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.” The Facebook posts I saw made it look like he focused his speech on that you-should-be-a-stay-at-home-mom-like-my-wife idea, but that isn’t true. Months later, I finally had a chance to sit down and read the transcript of his speech for myself. Since Butker is a Catholic, and since his audience was a Catholic college, he actually talked more about Catholicism than anything else in his speech. And he talked quite a bit about how awesome his wife is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a room.
With all due respect to him and his college, his speech actually wasn’t very deep at all. As commencement addresses go, parts of it sounded like the emotionally shallow and immature speech that I gave at my high-school graduation. Looking at the offensive part of his speech, I think it lacked common sense. You probably shouldn’t encourage women who have spent or borrowed thousands of dollars for their education to get a stay-at-home-mom job that pays $0 a month. Reader, if that is your occupation, that’s awesome. My mother had that job when I was young. But not everybody is called to do that, and telling people to do something that they’re not called to do is extremely immature, misguided, and discouraging. No wonder people got offended.
And yet, I don’t think Butker’s attitude is too far off from the attitude of most churchgoers today. I’ve said this many times, but I’ll say it again: the Church at large has no idea what to do with single people who have never been married. Not all of us are called to be Catholic priests or nuns. Not all of us are “called” to be single. Not all of us are divorced. Some of us just have never gotten married, and we can’t explain why, and it grieves us beyond what words can describe. Some of us have decided to move on with our lives and make something of ourselves, anyway. (And yes, some of us are “childless cat ladies” and proud of it, no matter what some otherwise well-meaning political candidates say in the heat of the moment.)
My observation has been that the vast majority of churchgoers were married in their 20s—or perhaps their late teens or early 30s—so they have absolutely no idea what it feels like to still be single in their 40s. Or 50s. Or 60s. Church revolves around the family unit, which is fantastic, since that is how God designed it. Healthy churches have healthy children’s ministries, and if I had a nickel for every time I heard a baby cry during a sermon, my student loans would be paid off.
But if you read the Bible, you’ll find that not all of the great men or women of God were married with children. Some of them were widowed young or just confirmed bachelors. Some churches recognize that not everybody is married, so they have thriving ministries for single parents or just single people. But not every church has such a ministry.
Seriously, I’m floored at how little the Church at large has grown in their treatment of single people through the years. When you look at me, is that all you see—an unmarried woman? An old maid? An uninhabited uterus? I’m a human being with a mind, a personality, ideas, emotions, and nerves of steel. Maybe I should have been a stay-at-home mom, but I hope you’re OK with me not being one.
Just because some of us are single doesn’t mean that we’re “waiting” for a spouse or that we’re “dating Jesus.” Just because some of us are single doesn’t mean that we want you to set us up with somebody. Speaking for myself, sometimes I still want to get married, but most of the time I don’t. The male population has a lot to do with it; they’ve continually communicated to me, usually without words, that they have zero interest in me as a woman. Yep, got your message loud and clear.
But that’s OK. I think I’ve done just fine without a man in my adult life, and I wonder if having one now would just get in the way. I’m just a stone’s throw away from menopause, and my interest in having children has dwindled down to zero. (Heck no, I wouldn’t adopt. I don’t want to raise a kid alone.) Could I eat my words tomorrow? Maybe. If Jacques flies over from Paris and sweeps me off my feet, marries me, and impregnates me tomorrow, I probably would. Otherwise, I’m OK with whatever God has for me, even if it’s perpetual singleness.
In the Old Testament, Israel got in trouble after complaining that they wanted to be like all the other nations around them: they wanted a king. But God wanted to be their King. He gave in to their desire and gave them a king, anyway. Then throughout Old Testament history, some of those kings led Israel and Judah away from God. Then they were exiled because of it. The moral of the story? God is my King, and He is enough.
You’re Braver than You Think You Are
Speaking of cat ladies, I noticed something interesting while I was vacuuming the other day. Cats are stereotypically afraid of vacuum cleaners, and MeepMeep is afraid of her own shadow, but look at her in this photo! That object of her fear is right in front of her, and she’s standing her ground.
When you follow God, life can get crazy like that. Psalm 23:5 says that God prepares a table before you in the presence of your enemies. In the presence of enemies such as fear, poverty, lust, failure, uncertainty, shame, and oppression, God treats you like the honored guest at a feast for all to see.
After living like an impoverished college student, I’m finally working full time again! My part-time job became full time about three weeks ago. This is the first time since 2017 that I’ve had a full-time job, and the first time since 2018 that I’ve worked forty hours a week at one job. It’s been a bit of an adjustment, but I’m extremely thankful to God for providing for me. Working at my school has enhanced my experience there as a student, too.
Living up to this point has been scary at times. I haven’t always known how bills would get paid, if anyone would ever hire me full time again, or if I would even survive my classes. But when God calls you to something, and that something has many hurdles to jump over, you gotta just let Him help you jump over them. You never know how brave you can be until you have to be.
Very well written. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Delete