White-collar freebies

I originally meant for this to be a Facebook post, but since it was becoming pretty lengthy in my mind, I decided to post it here instead. I would like to offer you some of the things I've learned during my 20+ years in the American workforce:

1. The world doesn't revolve around you. When you're away from the office, not everyone will miss you. When you make a mistake, not everyone will shame you. Beware of anyone who tries to convince you otherwise. And just know that your company's mission will always be bigger than YOU.

2. The employees who smoke will always be best buddies. The only real way to get into their clique is to smoke with them. (Not recommended.)

3. If you know yourself, you'll do a better job. For example, I've discovered that I'm a kinesthetic learner. I learn by doing. That means I probably won't remember everything I'll read in the training manual. I'll need lots of repetition, trial and error, and the opportunity to ask lots of questions. Then I'll remember how to do the job pretty much for the rest of my life. It's often helpful to communicate what you know about yourself to your supervisor as well.

4. Nepotism will ALWAYS exist. Bosses will play favorites and hire their friends and/or family. Sometimes this is a good thing, because they'll hire people who will do an excellent job. And sometimes this is a bad thing, because they'll hire people who will be very incompetent. Just keep your head down and do YOUR very best work. (And frankly, I depend on God's favor to get me jobs to begin with.)

5. CEOs won't hesitate to bring either their children/grandchildren or their pets to the office. Perhaps it is because they want to show them off, or perhaps it is because they do not wish to pay for a sitter. At any rate, they do this because they own the company; therefore, they can do whatever the heck they want, even if it is disruptive (or annoying) to the work environment. Just go with the flow, or maybe use earbuds/headphones if they're allowed.

6. If you work for a good company, there will ALWAYS be good people around; they will most likely be the ones who are running the company. If you work for a bad company, there might not be good people around for very long; they will most likely be the ones who are about to surprise everybody by resigning.

7. Little details can tell you a lot. For example, if a CEO misspells the name of his own company on his LinkedIn page, that means he is very full of himself and/or that he surrounds himself with people who are afraid of correcting him.

8. When the cat's away, the mouse will ALWAYS play.

9. People will protect what they worship. If they worship their job, they will do everything in their power to defend it and keep it happy. Even if it means sacrificing YOU to keep it happy. (I think Morpheus from The Matrix would say that it's because they're utterly dependent on the system.)

10. Entertainment like Dilbert, The Office, and Office Space are so close to the real thing that it's funny. And it's therapy.

11. Don't be afraid of learning new skills on the job. If you got a college degree about 20 or 30 years ago, the information you learned in the classroom can still serve you well... but technology constantly changes the way people communicate with each other and do business. Pay attention to details like file types, document-creation shortcuts, and even keystrokes on your computer. You never know when a new skill (which may seem like a fad at first) could come in handy later on... or could even build onto another skill that you'll need later on.

12. Some jobs come with a lower or higher rate of pay for a reason. Work that requires analytical thinking pays more, and work that isn't rocket science pays less. It's all good work, but it's also good to know that your coworkers at a lower-paying job may not get or want your higher-thinking conversation.

13. There will ALWAYS be people gossiping in the workplace, even if it's explicitly against company policy.

14. Sometimes there will be somebody in the workplace who is like a declawed cat. This person is soft and delicate on the outside but doesn't hesitate to bite when provoked, and they have no outside survival skills. This means that they probably couldn't get a job somewhere else if their life depended on it, so they'll probably be working in the same place forever. This usually occurs because their coworkers/supervisors coddle them and enable all of their babyish behavior. You can definitely be loving, gracious, and kind to this person, but you should otherwise avoid them like the plague. Especially if they try to curl up on your lap only to hiss at you if you make one false move.

15. There will ALWAYS be somebody in the workplace -- at least one person -- who does hard, honest work and who is emotionally mature enough to handle it all. You should make it your goal to be more like this person. Make friends with them, get to know them, and learn as much as you can from them.

The brazen house

In my previous post, I talked about 2017. In this post, I'd like to talk about 2018. Actually, there are several different ideas floating around in my head right now, and I hope they come together OK.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain." (Psalm 127:1)

I work for an insurance services company, and I look at pictures of houses all day. Since I don't have a construction background, I've been learning a lot -- from the ground up. (Ha! Couldn't resist making a pun.) One thing I've learned is that apparently not everybody cares about making a good impression on a home inspector.

Some of the homes that I get to see pictures of are very nice. Most of them are plain and simple, with nothing too out of the ordinary to report. Every once in a while, I'll see a huge mansion-like place and wonder what kind of high-paying jobs the owners have. And, unfortunately more often than not, I'll see a neglected old shack-like place.

Maybe at first glance, just from the front of the house, you'll see a nice-looking home. But if you walk around to the back yard, you'll see junk strewn everywhere, and it won't even seem like you're at the same house.

Or maybe you'll see an immaculate-looking home, but for some reason there will be one or two shrubs that are overgrown and unruly. Or maybe everything about the house will be perfect, except for the minor detail that whoever designed the house forgot to install the gutters or a handrail or a porch. Or an entire wall has grown mold or mildew, and no one has fixed it yet. Or maybe a storm ripped off a huge piece of siding, and the owner is taking their sweet time in replacing it.

But what still shocks me a little bit is the homes that are so covered in trash and overgrown shrubbery that you can barely tell what kind of house it is. And maybe there are also some broken windows or huge pieces of dry rot. Maybe there's also an old car that doesn't run anymore, and it's just sitting in the back yard, probably next to a couple of old appliances or maybe a broken commode. Usually with that type of scene, I'm really glad I'm only looking at pictures and not actually smelling the house.

So, every day at my cubicle is like an intriguing mini-study in human nature. It kinda makes you wonder... Why would you meticulously manicure your front yard but treat your back yard like a giant trash can? Why would you take the time to design a perfectly good house but not install some important items -- like an air conditioner or a driveway? And why the heck would you pour so much money into your house only to neglect it? If you know that your foundation is crumbling, why wouldn't you drop everything to fix it so that everything around you won't just collapse into the ground? It kinda makes you wonder what kind of emotional rock some of the homeowners are living under.

I've probably just lived a sheltered life, but when I first started working at my job, I was amazed at how many different kinds of building materials can be used to create a house. There's brick, wood, stucco, metal, and a zillion different ways to combine them, paint them, arrange them, and permanently set them into the ground. Maybe if you drive down a certain neighborhood, you'll see a street lined with houses that all look the same; but if you look closely enough, you'll notice that they aren't all exactly the same, and they certainly don't all have the exact foliage or upkeep. Behind those four walls (or twelve walls) there are hopes, dreams, histories, and possibilities.

In case you haven't figured it out, what I'm trying to say is that houses remind me of people.

"And I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it." (Jesus talking to Peter in Matthew 16:18)

As I've mentioned on probably multiple occasions, Jesus was a Carpenter (actually, in a sense, He still is One), so the Bible has multiple references to "houses" and "building" things. Jesus knew how to build things when He had a Carpenter job, and He still knows how to build things spiritually.

Metaphorically speaking, I often take a step back and examine my "house," and I wonder what the heck is going on. I hope I haven't permanently damaged anything, I hope the foundation is strong enough to withstand the storms, and I hope I've been maintaining the grounds in the way that the Builder has been wanting me to. And, lately, I've been wondering what the heck has been going on with all these crazy renovations. Should I move? Should I check in to a hotel for a while? And the Builder will say, "I know what I'm doing." So, I'll stay put, and I'll trust Him.

"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit." (Jesus talking in John 15:1-2)

The main word that I keep hearing for my life for 2018 is "brazen." When I first started thinking about this concept, I got really worried that I would get in a lot of trouble in 2018, because one definition of the word "brazen" is insolent, rude, or harsh. (And you know how I can be.) But God has been encouraging me that the word "brazen" will mean so much more than that. For instance, if you're going to pursue creative endeavors, you need to be pretty darn brazen. Artistically, you need to push envelopes, defy boundaries, and really put yourself out there if you're going to create something that's really good. Maybe 2018 will be like a personal renaissance for me (like 1999 was, when I wrote a ton of songs). Maybe God will be brazen for me -- maybe He'll fight for me in ways that I haven't let Him fight for me before. Maybe He'll defend me in ways that I've never gotten to see Him defend me before.

I've also heard that 2018 will be the year of the "suddenly." And, in the same way that 2017 was a year of pruning, 2018 will be a year of shaping.

I would like to offer a disclaimer on what I'm about to say. God knows me. He has a relationship with me. So, He knows how to talk to me. The way that He talks to me may not necessarily work with somebody else. And why should it? I'm me, and you're you. Ain't nothin' wrong with that. So, with that said...

As God was talking to me at random one day (as is one of His many customs), He said, "Next year is going to be f----ing awesome." I've censored it here, but He didn't censor Himself when He spoke. Of course, this alarmed me, because since when does God cuss? So, when I asked Him to confirm that it was really Him speaking, He said, "Did you hear the brazenness in My voice?"

Why, yes, I did. That makes perfect sense. And I totally look forward to having a f----ing awesome year!

 

Changing the subject, I would like to say that MeepMeep is quite different than my previous cats. She's a very good cat, but different nevertheless. In retrospect, I think maybe Macho and Choochie (my tiger and my puma) were kind of wussy in comparison to MeepMeep (my panda bear). Macho and Choochie would vomit every once in a while (either hairballs or undigested food), but I haven't seen MeepMeep vomit at all in the two months that I've known her. (Maybe she passes her hairballs in the litterbox?) Well, it sure is nice to not have to spend so much time cleaning the carpet.

Maybe one thing that made Macho and Choochie so soft and relatively wussy is that they were adopted when they were kittens. They were fully domesticated pretty much all their lives, minus their first few weeks of life. My sweet little babies.

MeepMeep, however, didn't begin her domestication process until she was maybe a couple years old, and she didn't move in with me until she was about three. She's been a feral cat for most of her life, so she has some street smarts. She's alert, she has quick reflexes, she moves at lightning speed, and yet when she communicates with humans, it's usually with a high-pitched, quiet "meep." These are some very strong survival skills that I think helped keep her alive before she was domesticated.

However, a side effect of all these cool skills is that she's still pretty wild. Several paragraphs up, I shared a photo of what I found one morning when I was trying to make my lunch. I noticed that my loaf of bread was shredded in a few places. Like a chew toy. My gosh. I didn't know cats DID that type of thing. So, I store my bread inside my pantry now.

MeepMeep is also wild in the way that she plays and interacts with me. Her nails have scratched me multiple times, so I've been plotting a way to subtly ambush her to trim her nails. And she playfully gnaws on my arm from time to time. I think maybe she's still learning that Mama doesn't have fur like she does and that she can accidentally hurt me. Lately, she's also begun biting my leg and knee. (I wouldn't get arrested for gently pinching her in self-defense, would I?) I've shared a video here of her biting my leg one evening. Ha! Literally an ankle-biter.

Here's the part where you might get offended. (Did you hear the brazenness in my sudden disclaimer?) I've felt like God has shown me that Macho and Choochie taught me how to love God and let Him love me (e.g., pretty much everything I've blogged about in the past eight years or so). But I've felt like He's shown me that MeepMeep will teach me how to love people.

I love MeepMeep -- my adorable little panda bear cat -- but when she bites me, it hurts. Sometimes I yell in pain. She wants to play, or maybe she just wants attention, but she doesn't understand that her survival skills have the power to do some damage. If she leaves a scar, that damage could be permanent.

What I've been learning to do is hone my own survival skills to match hers. Most of the time, I hide my pain so that I won't be a whiny little helpless human, but sometimes I fight back (in ways that won't get me arrested). I've growled at her a time or two, and when her ears got wind of the sound I made, she backed off. And yes, I've gently pinched her a time or two.

But most of the time, I either scurry out of her sharp-clawed grasp or I scoop her up into my arms and love on her. (The latter kind of freaks her out a little.)

So, if God is training me on how to be a pastor someday, I'm learning how to deal with people. Sometimes God's people don't know their own strength. In their quest for attention, they bare their fangs and cause some pain, and they often couldn't care less about the damage they're doing. (Of course, when I say "God's people," I mean me, too. I can totally be a jerk.)

But the truth is, I wouldn't trade MeepMeep for anything. I want her exactly the way she is. Years from now, when she's older and slower, I'm going to miss when she was younger and stronger. I'm choking and tearing up just thinking about it. She has some wildness, but I believe that wildness can be tamed.

I think I'm living proof of that.

The other day, my boss sat me down and told me that I'm doing a good job. She asked me if I had any questions about the job, which of course I did, and she clarified some things for me. After our conversation -- at my job where I look at buildings all day, and probably when 2nd Chapter of Acts' song "Mansion Builder" was playing on my iPhone -- I felt like I heard God ask me, "Would you like to help Me build My church?"

Yes, absolutely. I would love to. I would be so honored to. Whatever You want, here I am.

I know God's house is full of wild, crazy people who sometimes pick on their overseers for sport or bite the hands that feed them. But wildness can be tamed, and it's really something to get to see it happen over time. I know there are parts of God's house that are so fragile and sensitive that if you brush against them the wrong way, you'll make a mess and you'll have to clean it up. But being a part of restoring a treasure can be such a rewarding process that you'll remember for the rest of your life. I know there are parts of God's house that have been neglected and are now rotten and dilapidated, so He's had to step in and do some major repair work. But if He'd like some help during the renovation process, I have a pair of slightly scarred hands that are eager and ready to work.

Just as long as I get to be with Him. That's really all I want.

F----ing awesome!

Adjustments, vacations, and clashing swords

As I've mentioned previously on my blog, I've felt like God has said that the year 2017 would be, for me, a year of 1) rest and 2) common sense and that 3) I would be bored, in a good way. I've definitely seen that theme unfolding for me throughout the year. Since rest has been a difficult thing for me to achieve in the past (I used to be a workaholic), I found myself getting almost impatient with the "rest" part of God's equation for 2017. But I found Him gently but firmly insisting that 2017 was a one-shot deal; I wouldn't get any do-overs. He explained that 2017 needs to happen if 2018 is going to happen -- not in a "duh, chronological order" kind of way but in a "certain events must occur this year in order for next year to unfold correctly" kind of way.

For me, 2017 kind of felt like a vacation. At my previous job, things were very slow at my desk. When I talked to my boss about it, she kind of scoffed at me and told me to take an early lunch. So, I did. One time when I tried to help my coworker with her workload, she kind of got a talking-to from our boss, and I could tell that it had upset the equilibrium in the office mechanics, so I just enjoyed my free time like my boss had instructed me to do. (I ended up catching up on many hours of sermons on YouTube.) I was definitely bored, in a good way. From time to time, work would suddenly pour in and I would get really stressed out trying to get it all done, so I think it all balanced out in the end.

At home, one thing that God put on my heart was that He wanted me to have a five-minute iPhone quiet time every evening. As in, that's all He really wanted for my daily quiet time. So, I've been turning on some worship music on my phone and reading usually a Psalm or a Proverb or wherever God leads me, and it usually lasts about five minutes. He and I usually continue talking afterwards (while I'm getting ready for bed) like an old married couple, and we like it that way. Many times, I linger on my couch with my phone still on while I try to pour out my heart a little bit more or while I have some questions that need answering. God patiently listens, I usually cry, and He gently nudges me that it's time for bed. Lately He's continued talking to me either after I go to bed or in the mornings when I'm trying to wake up. It's really cool. And it's quite restful.

When you're on vacation, you usually end up either doing or trying things that you haven't done or tried before -- or that you maybe won't have a chance to do or try again. I think my two months of unemployment provided ample opportunity for that. I discovered the local public library, I sold a few items on eBay (which I don't have the supplies or the time to do while I'm working full-time), I found myself in a dire financial situation where I tried to trust God only for money (He came through, and I'd like to continue trusting Him that way for the rest of my life), and I discovered British comedy clips on YouTube (specifically my new favorite: The Catherine Tate Show).

Earlier this year, I went to a class at church where one of the pastors was a guest speaker. He shared something that he and his team heard God speak to them for 2017. From what I can remember, he said that 2017 would be the year of the clashing sword. Ideologies would clash this year, and we would need to let that happen. But there would also be opportunities opening up this year. We the church would need to pray for revival to happen in the process. I think this word was pretty accurate. News headlines this year screamed clashing swords: politics, Civil War monuments, etc.

And I think I experienced the clashing sword on my job as well. I felt like I should have had more work on my plate, but my boss disagreed; I felt like my boss should have managed me more directly, but she ended up managing me remotely on Facebook instead. I became unhappy at work this year (way back in March, I believe). When I prayed about looking for another job, God reminded me that 2017 is a year of common sense; if you don't like your job, it's common sense to look for another one. And He kept impressing on my heart that the way that I would leave my job needed to happen naturally. Long after the stuff hit the fan (because it was ultimately a Facebook post that forced me to leave), God told me, "I know what you're like on Facebook, so I used that." OK, then. Clash, clash.

Recently, He basically told me that 2017 would be a year of adjustments -- and that He didn't tell me sooner because I wouldn't have liked it. Heh, heh. He's right.

I've made all kinds of adjustments this year -- big and small. Due to a couple of circumstances, my finances kind of took a hit this past spring and never really caught up. So, I gradually relearned to live on a little bit less money, and I think that was preparation for the unemployment season that I was hit with a couple of months ago. I'm currently still quite broke, but I'm not hungry, and God has shown me ways that I can creatively stretch my dollar. (These are skills that I was forced to learn years ago, but it's been cool getting a refresher course.)

While I was unemployed this year and praying for a job, I felt like God told me that I would need to tighten up my work ethic at my next job. After about a week of working at my new temp job, I understand what He means. It's a quota-based job where I'm required to review a certain number of documents per day. Historically, quotas and I haven't gotten along. But I know myself, I know what to expect, and I know how to speed myself up. (It involves checking Facebook less frequently throughout the day, saving any chitchat for lunchtime/breaks, and listening to music on my phone's playlists that I had already put together to help me stay in the zone while I'm working.)

Throughout this year, one thing that I felt like God was telling me about my life was that the "land" needed to rest. For instance, I'm a songwriter. I didn't write any new songs this year because I felt like He kept telling me, "Nothing new in the field." So, I didn't plant any new songs. I didn't really start any new projects in my "field." Nothing that was really new happened to me this year: I became suddenly unemployed (which I've lived through before), I lost my cat (which I've experienced before), I got a temp job (which I've done many times before), and I volunteered at church (which I think I've been doing for most of my life). Nothing new, and no complaints.

 

MeepMeep and I have both been making adjustments this year. She moved into a home that was ready to receive a female cat, but I've tweaked a few things here and there to adjust to her habits (since her personality and preferences are different than Choochie's were). As you can see in this photo, I moved an old folded-up comforter (that Macho and Choochie used to sleep on) to a corner of my living room because I noticed that MeepMeep likes to sleep there. I covered the comforter with some old sweatshirts that already had MeepMeep's scent on them, and now she likes to sleep there either during the day while I'm gone or late at night while I'm getting ready for bed. (Or maybe she just likes to guard my CDs and VHS tapes.)

I'm also happy to report that she stopped rolling around in her litterbox. I think she stopped several days after her arrival -- possibly after she realized that she had plenty of carpet to roll around on instead. (Thank heavens. Her coat is much softer and better when it doesn't feel like or smell like Fresh Step.)

 

I've taken a great deal of delight in watching MeepMeep respond to her environment in ways that Choochie did not (even thought I thought she would). For instance, after I moved here, I bought an ottoman for my feet that I assumed that Choochie would adopt as her napping spot. She never did, but MeepMeep has. I've seen her using it as a scratching post more often than as a bed, and I've walked into the room to see that it's been overturned (with an embarrassed look on MeepMeep's face). But it's still a very fun thing to see.

 

Aww. And she's finally adopted Choochie's old napping spot on the couch.

"Who is the man that fears the Lord? Him shall He teach in the way He chooses." (Psalm 25:12)

I have a feeling that I'm going to be pretty busy in 2018. One thing that I've noticed after experiencing rest is that I'm ready to hit the ground running as soon as I'm done resting. Sunday is usually a productive day for me at home because after a Saturday of doing nothing on purpose, I'm ready to get going.

I'm currently working full-time, but I'm also trying to line up some freelance work on the side. I'm currently volunteering at church, but I'm also open to volunteering some more. Just being open and exploring my options -- nothing is set in stone right now.

Here's what I know for sure: No matter what I end up doing, no matter how I spend my time, no matter how busy I get, I'm committed to resting one day a week. This is one of the Ten Commandments, yes, but it's something that frankly we Christians aren't always good at doing. At least, if you grew up in a Baptist church, you might not be good at resting because Baptist churches usually keep you pretty busy during your Sabbath. (During the latter half of 2009, I was exhausted and burned out from working two jobs -- so exhausted that all I really did for New Year's Eve was blog about how tired I was.)

So, 2017 has been a year of adjustments for me. I remember after I got new glasses this year, and they didn't fit right, God told me, "There's no shame in getting an adjustment." My glasses fit just fine now (after the adjustment). God also showed me recently that when you make an adjustment, that change will usually last for the long haul.

I think I'll be very content to live my life the way I've been living it for the long haul.

The other evening, during my iPhone quiet time, I was marching around my living room and noticed a couple of major adjustments that God had made in my life. I lost my job in Southlake, but God provided me with another job in Southlake. I lost my cat, but God provided me with another cat. So, my life is different in many ways... but it's also the same in many ways. God restored some things. So, I stopped marching around my living room and prostrated myself in tears while I thanked Him.

Of course, 2017 isn't over yet. I just thought I'd jot down my thoughts about this very unique year while I had the chance. After all, I won't get a do-over.

Unemployment completion and reflection

On Tuesday, God willing, I'm going to start a temp job that's located about a block away from my previous job! If it works out to be a more permanent solution, this could perhaps turn out to be a vindication/confirmation type of situation.

"Offer to God thanksgiving, and pay your vows to the Most High. Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me." (Psalm 50:14-15)

What a crazy season this has been! I've been unemployed at various times in my life, and for various amounts of times, but I gotta say... this time was the most frightening and the most awesome simultaneously. (Some moments were downright terrifying and took a while to recover from.) I came into this season with no savings, no job prospects, no relatives who offered me money, and no unemployment checks. I had a tiny bit of extra money available, but that ended up being used for car repairs and immediate bills. All I had to lean on was God. And He was enough.

In terms of financial/practical help and gifts, here's what I received during the two months that I was unemployed (as well as the three weeks beforehand, as well as in the very near future), if I remember everything correctly:

3 gift cards (Target, Jason's Deli, iTunes)

3 dozen cans of Coca-Cola

5 free meals, either treated from friends or mostly provided via event leftovers

1 pantry's worth of food items from a friend who changed her diet

$357 in cash

a zillion prayers

an assortment of free beauty products

1 month of electricity and cellular service (paid with financial assistance received from my church)

1 month of rent (paid with a cash gift from a friend)

1 month of rent and water (paid as a surprise from an anonymous friend)

1 month of rent (to be paid for December with financial assistance received from my church)

I'm overwhelmed. I'm humbled. I'm thankful. I'm in awe. I'm blown away. I don't deserve any of this, but I sure do appreciate how God has provided for me, and I sure do appreciate how He moved His people to help me.

There have been times in my life when I've needed money and gotten it -- but with a guilt trip attached (from the people who loaned/gave me funds, not from God). This time around, as the funds trickled in when I needed them, God said that He wanted to show me what it was like to experience generosity without the guilt trip.

"I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles." (Psalm 34:4-6)

Seriously. I cried out to God and begged Him to help me, and He assured me that He would take care of it. I've never experienced anything like this before. Yes, I've been the recipient of someone randomly or anonymously giving me $100 here and there (which is what the people in my church like to do), but this felt like much more than that. In fact, I remember crying on my couch one day and talking to God about those past seasons when people would randomly give me money, and I think I mentioned that it would be nice if that would happen again. So, it happened again, AND THEN SOME.

One time when I was crying out to God because I didn't know how I was going to pay my rent, He replied in plain terms that I could understand, "How would it glorify Me if you were to die in the gutter?" I know, right? It wouldn't. So, He took care of it. AND THEN SOME. When He says He's going to provide "exceedingly abundantly above all you can ask or think," He isn't kidding.

I think it would be awesome if ALL of His Bride (not just a few of my friends) would reflect more of His heart.

At one point, I made some phone calls to local agencies and other ministries who offer financial assistance to people for rent and utilities. I felt treated like cattle. I called about two weeks before October rent was due and received mostly voicemail greetings. One greeting instructed me to call back on October 3rd so that I could receive $25. Another greeting instructed me to speak slowly and also explained that my call might take up to four weeks to be returned. One lady returned my call several days later and left a voicemail; she explained that she would only be available to speak to me for 20 more minutes and that she wouldn't be available again until a week later. One lady returned my call right away but instructed me to write down some phone numbers along with her personalized shorthand. Um, thank you, but I'm not 4 years old. If you tell me the name of an organization, I'll be able to spell it out myself. Moo.

Sheesh. I'm glad God was available immediately to help me. (Not to mention: Being humbled is one thing, but being humiliated is another.)

God had instructed me to take this season one day at a time, and He would usually give me a specific word to follow for a particular day. One time, He told me very clearly, "Where you live is more important than where you work." He confirmed that multiple times, including providing me a way to pay three months' worth of rent.

One thing that I felt like He spoke to my heart was that I would only be unemployed for two months. When I start my temp job on Tuesday the 24th, that will be exactly two months after the last day that I worked at my previous job, so I think that confirms what I heard.

I'm currently behind on several creditor bills, but if there's one thing I've learned during this past season, it's that God will provide. (I already knew that, but I got to learn that on a deeper level.) I mean, three months' worth of frickin' rent is a heck of a lot of provision. God has brought me this far, and I know that if I hold on to Him, He'll continue to take me wherever He wants me to be.

 

And, of course, this season was about more than just money and provision. I said goodbye to one cat and hello to another. My heart has been ripped out and healing simultaneously. MeepMeep and I have been getting to know each other, and I don't think it's an accident that this very important process has been occurring while I've been unemployed. I look forward to establishing a regular routine for her once I start working. (Because I've been currently keeping her awake during the day when she should be napping.)

Also during this crazy season, I've spent some time getting acquainted with the area in which I live. (I moved here 10 months ago but spent most of my time in the area where I work and go to church.) It's a suburb that has a reputation for being quite boring, and I like it that way. There isn't much to do around here because there are mainly just residential neighborhoods as far as the eye can see. So, I feel safe here. MeepMeep and I are very happy here, and we intend to settle here for the long haul.

This season has been an adventure indeed. The job interviews were quite a hoot. Explaining to potential employers why I left my previous job got some interesting responses if I went into too much detail. One lady scoffed at the name of my previous employer and asked if they were affiliated with any other company, I'm guessing because she hadn't heard of them, or perhaps she was researching and couldn't find more information about them. (Most marketing companies proudly tell people who their clients are, and they're happy to share case studies of how they specifically helped their clients, but whatevs.) Other potential employers metaphorically cried on my shoulder about how other job candidates treated them either during or before interviews. I have made a mental note to not use job candidates for my own personal therapy (if I ever interview job candidates in the future, that is).

I also did a lot of soul-searching. If you've followed my blog for the past several years, you know that I'm called to be a worship pastor. I'm discovering that many people either don't remember that, don't get that, or even counsel me to do something instead of that. Of course, I appreciate the counsel, and I understand that my calling probably won't result in a steady paycheck until much later down the road. And I promise you that I get why you would discourage somebody from being overly excited about something that God might not want them to do. (And I totally understand that while you're reading this, my heartfelt words could easily go in one ear and out the other.) But here's the bottom line: I know who I am, and God knows who I am.

And I'm pretty sure He's been testing me to see whether or not I'm still willing to do or become whatever it takes to live in my promised land someday. No matter how long it would take.

About two months ago, during my exit interview at my previous job, the CEO of the company asked me what I wanted to do in terms of an occupation (because I was about to leave my editing job). I replied that I wanted to continue working in the Christian sector. He scoffed at me. Well, sir, I may no longer be employed in the Christian sector, but I'll still be around.

I believe God wants to keep me around here.

Thank you, thank you, thank you SO much to everyone who has prayed for me, offered a kind word, or gone out of your way to try to help me during this time. I couldn't have made it without you!

And, as always, if it weren't for God, I'd be toast. He's my Father who takes impeccably good care of me.

#metoo

Currently, there's a hashtag trending on social media that basically means this: If you've been sexually harassed or assaulted, post #metoo to raise awareness of the issue. If you've followed my blog over the past few years, you know about my past. I haven't been raped physically or sexually per se; but if a man forcing his lips onto mine against my will qualifies as rape, I've been raped. And I'm also pretty sure that what I've gone through would qualify as sexual harassment. So, if this is a subject that you're not comfortable reading about, please feel free to skip this post, and I look forward to seeing you again in the following post.

Without further ado, #metoo. Normally on my blog, I don't use anyone's real names. However, in this case, I don't believe the men who raped/harassed me deserve the honor of my concealing their names, so I'll use their real ones here. My intention isn't to commit libel or slander but to tell my story and, in doing so, to give other people permission to tell theirs.

In the latter part of my high-school years, a church usher named Hermano Aranda befriended me. One day in the Sunday School room, he grabbed my chin, pulled my mouth to his, and kissed me. Eww. He was married with grandchildren. I had no intention of getting involved with a married man. I wasn't even attracted to him. But I guess either I was a total wuss at the time, or I didn't understand exactly what was happening... so I didn't know that I could say no.

Hermano Aranda would continue to steal kisses when nobody was looking. One time between church services, he sat next to me, put his arm around me, and said, "I wish you was my girlfriend." In the church sanctuary. In front of everybody. I found out that he had been treating my best friend the same way. I told my mother about it, and she told me to not tell my dad about it because "he has a big mouth." My dad was the pastor of the church. (I had a boyfriend who knew what was happening, but he didn't do anything to stop it, either.)

Right before I graduated from high school, Hermano Aranda died rather suddenly of a heart attack. In retrospect, I like to think that God finally put His foot down and did something to stop his behavior.

Unfortunately, I was not free.

When I was at home from college, I believe during the summer between my sophomore and junior years, a church usher named Hermano Pules befriended me. One day in the Sunday School room, he grabbed my chin, pulled my mouth to his, and kissed me. Sound familiar? Different church building, different man, same scenario. Again, eww! This guy was married with grandchildren, and here I was again unintentionally being an accomplice to adultery. Hermano Pules was a bit more aggressive than the previous guy and told me to not tell anybody.

I told my mother about it, and I'm kind of sure that my father knew about it as well, but neither of them did anything to stop it. Even though Hermano Pules' behavior was spreading to other girls. As time went on, I found out that my sister was one of his victims. One day, I even saw him shaking my mother's hand, and she quickly whipped it back away from him... and I wonder how far he tried to go with her as well.

I don't remember exactly how I escaped Hermano Pules other than I graduated from college and got involved in a different church in a different city. Or perhaps he and his family just started attending a different church instead.

"They have set fire to Your sanctuary; they have defiled the dwelling place of Your name to the ground." (Psalm 74:7)

At any rate, years later, I wrestled with whether or not God really wanted me to leave my parents (because He had told me to do so back in 1998). When I was thinking and praying through it, God brought these situations with Hermanos Aranda and Pules to the forefront of my mind.

In my current church, they teach us that God isn't angry with us because God's wrath was satisfied when Jesus died on the cross. And that's true. But I'm telling you, when I prayed about the whole leaving-my-family thing and God started talking to me about getting raped in a church building... oh, He was VERY angry about the entire thing. If nothing else, He wanted me to leave my parents so that everyone whom they were discipling would know that allowing your flock to be raped while under your care -- and you knowing about it and doing nothing about it -- was NOT OK.

Especially if the victims happen to be your daughters.

"He will redeem their life from oppression and violence; and precious shall be their blood in His sight." (Psalm 72:14)

Why do victims of abuse and harassment allow themselves to be victims? Perhaps a psychologist or social worker could answer that question better than I can. All I've really been able to figure out is that 1) if you grow up in an abusive environment, abuse is normal to you, even if you don't realize it 2) sometimes people fail to teach us that it's OK to say NO 3) some of us don't realize that we're worth it. One thing I know for sure is that abusers and harassers don't have any right to our bodies, period.

Even if machismo is a cultural thing.

So, thank you for reading. If you've experienced something similar to what happened to me -- or worse than what happened to me -- I'm terribly sorry, and I hope that you've found some healing. If you've allowed something like this to happen to anyone who has been in your care, I know you didn't do it on purpose -- but for goodness' sake, grow a pair, confront the guilty party, and say NO. Get the local authorities involved if you need to. Just know that it's in your power to protect your people.

At least, it should be. There's no reason to keep unrepentant scumbags in your church. And the victims are going to need to lean on you during their healing process, so make some room in your heart for that.

That is my two cents on the matter. Again, reader, if you've followed my blog in the past, you know that God has used these experiences to turn me into a fierce warrior who doesn't take crap from abusers.

At least some good has come out of all that.

MeepMeep

Earlier this week, I got a new cat! Isn't she cute? Since I don't really use anyone's real names on my blog, I'll refer to her by her nickname. I'll start by explaining how she got it.

After I brought her home and she let me start petting her, I thought about Pepé Le Pew's feline lady friend -- the black-and-white one who goes, "Le meow, le purr." So, my brain was going in a Looney Tunes direction. Then I heard her meow. It's more of a high-pitched squeak than a meow -- a "beep beep" or a "meep meep," kind of like the roadrunner. Then after she really started getting comfortable around me, I noticed that she moves at lightning speed, and she even has a white racing-stripe-esque spot on her side that's shaped kind of like the Dart bus logo.

So, as far as nicknames go, "LeMeow" and "Looney" didn't really stick in my mind, but "MeepMeep" did. Especially after she started responding to it. Sometimes when I say, "MeepMeep," she darts over to where I am and expects me to pet her. I shall endeavor to meet that expectation as long as we both shall live.

I'd like to tell you a little bit about her.

From what I've been told, MeepMeep is about three years old and lived at my vet's office for about 11 months. The office manager found her at an apartment complex with a kitten. So, MeepMeep has given birth at least once, and she was a feral cat.

But I think living at a vet's office for nearly a year has helped tame her. Her kitten was adopted right away, so I think she spent pretty much all of her time in a large cage by herself, accompanied by a group of rotating medical professionals who were taking care of her. (Which I think explains why she's especially comfortable around my files and paperwork.) The staff kept trying to find a good home for her, but MeepMeep didn't have any real takers.

I met her during Choochie's last two vet visits. In fact, MeepMeep and Choochie met each other (the day that the latter was put down) because MeepMeep lived in the lobby. I reached through the cage bars, pet the cute black-and-white cat, and assured her that Choochie wasn't moving in (because she was on MeepMeep's turf, and female cats are especially territorial). That evening (the evening that Choochie died), I almost took MeepMeep home with me, but I'm glad I didn't, because I was an emotional wreck, of course.

I still get emotional sometimes when I see pictures of Choochie, so I'm pretty sure I'm still grieving her loss. Which makes it even better to have a cat again; it was weird to be a catless cat lady for a week.

But I had a lot to think about during that time. I've actually been thinking and praying about getting another cat for a couple of years.

Back when Macho was sick, I felt like God told me that I needed to choose my own cat. (Every pet that I've ever owned has been either given to me or chosen for me.) After he died, I wanted to keep Choochie only; and I'm glad I did, because I got to focus on her at the end of her life and also because she didn't seem to mind being the only cat around.

Towards the end of Choochie's life, I caught myself visiting PetSmart just to browse. I thought about getting a second cat, but I decided against it because Choochie might not have had the energy to play with a younger cat. I also felt like God said that I only need one cat. (My bank account agrees.) I also felt like He said, "You need a Southlake cat."

Guess where MeepMeep lived for the past 11 months? Southlake.

Practically speaking, I'm still unemployed. I can't afford a pet adoption fee or any neutering/spaying surgical fees. I've also wanted to have a cat WITH claws. (I wouldn't want a declawed cat because declawed cats tend to bite.) In addition, I thought it would be a good idea to have an older girl cat because (as Choochie showed me) they tend to be calmer and don't demand as much attention as kittens do. I love kittens, of course, but at this point in my life, I have some responsibilities on my plate that already demand as much attention as a kitten does.

So, after Choochie died and I started seriously thinking about adopting another cat, I kept all this in mind. I visited a couple of PetSmart stores just to be sure, but I had a feeling that I would end up with MeepMeep... because I bonded with her, and I couldn't get her out of my mind. And I would be getting a free cat. (She's already spayed, and she's caught up on her shots.) As I prayed about it, I basically felt like God said, "You need her, and she needs you."

So, taking inventory...

Older girl cat. Check.

Cat with claws. Check.

Southlake cat. Check.

Affordable cat. Check.

Cat who already knows me and who I've already fallen in love with. Check.

I chose MeepMeep, and I'm glad I did!

This past Monday morning, first thing, I picked her up from the vet's office. The staff came into the lobby and said their tearful goodbyes. They had become very attached to her and, although they were happy that she found a good home, they were sad to see her go. I think that says a lot about them and about my MeepMeep.

As soon as we arrived home and I let her out of the pet carrier, she followed what I guess was a scent trail that Choochie had left behind and slithered under my dresser. Shortly afterwards, she moved under my bed and adopted that as her new home. Very gradually, I began to coax her out of there with food and affection. Over the past couple of days, she's felt comfortable enough to explore the rest of the apartment, but I think the spot under my bed is still her home base.

Her personality is a lot like Macho's was: introverted and clingy. She has all the makings of a lap cat, and today she was finally comfortable enough around me to lounge on my lap (which is where she was in the photo that's at the beginning of this post).

The only strange thing about her (which I also noticed at the vet's office) is that she likes to roll around in her litterbox... I guess for fun... even though she does her business in there... and it makes her smell like FreshStep. I did some research online, and some cat owners said that their kittens did that for a while and then grew out of it. Or maybe when she was a feral cat, she liked to roll around in the dirt. Whatever the reason... um... kitty... no. Gross.

At any rate, I believe this is the beginning of a beauuuuutiful friendship. My adorable new cat has a ferocious purr, a Mama who loves her, and her entire life ahead of her.

Think about it. I adopted a cat with a past... who likes to roll around in her own filth. That's some blogging material right there.

While I was wrapping up the first draft of this post, I called to her ("MeepMeep"), she responded by jumping up on the couch while purring, and she rubbed her cheek on my laptop and on my thigh before she rested her little head on me.

Yep. She's all mine.