Reflections of the third decade, part VI

What a difference a decade makes!

Me at 23:
I am a very agreeable person who does what she's told and lets other people make decisions for her. (Most of time.) I believe that men are superior to women, and even if a male makes a strange decision, I'll submit to it with minimal complaining. I would rather bless people with my smile than be sincerely honest with my feelings (because that would be kinda selfish), even if it means that I'm dying on the inside.

I'm surrounded by people who believe in God and who believe in me. A bunch of my friends pitched in and bought me a used acoustic guitar. (I received it with extreme gratitude, dropping to my knees in awe.) I'm on the verge of a personal Renaissance that will include the composition of a couple dozen songs. I'm trying to sell a play that I finished writing the year before, but no one seems to want it. I'm optimistic, anyway, and I begin working on a second play and don't plan to stay at my day job for very long.

I earn minimum wage and am about to be promoted to a full-time position at $6.00 an hour. I don't have a car, but I live about a 15-minute walking distance from work. I've discovered the wonderful world of plastic money, so I eat fast food pretty frequently (even though I live within reasonable walking distance from a grocery store). I depend on my friends to give me rides to places (and every once in a while, someone will forget to pick me up).

I live alone and am totally blowing my chance to learn how to be an adult and take care of myself. My work schedule and social calendar are crazy and often unpredictable, but I still let my apartment get dirty and stay dirty, with piles of dishes molding in the sink that attract roaches. My bedroom furniture has piles of dirty clothes. People visit my apartment often, despite its unkempt condition, and sometimes my friends are extremely nice and wash my dishes. One friend even cleaned my entire place for me while I was at work one day. (In hindsight, I think I would have been better served if someone had just told me straight up, "I love you, but you live like a pig, and I won't come over anymore or give you any more rides until you clean house.")

I don't own any pets, but I decide that I like cats after a couple of the neighbors' kitties come to my door a few times and I feed them and give them a brief tour of my apartment (separately). One of them especially is very friendly and likes to climb on me and sniff my face. I decide that if I ever own a cat, I'd like a friendly one like that.

When I'm at church, I spend a lot of time weeping over my childhood. I don't really know how to let go, I worry almost constantly, and I'm very insecure. Yet I still smile. I believe that God is only happy with me when I love everybody, serve everybody, and let people walk all over me, because I'll be rewarded for it later. (Unfortunately, a really scary bout with depression -- when I'll become very angry with God and blame Him for all the crap in my life -- is just around the corner.)

Me at 33:
My personality is still mostly cheerful overall, but I'd rather be sincere than happy. I'm learning to not feel guilty for making my own decisions. Technically, wives are supposed to submit to their husbands, but hey, I'm not married yet. I do my best to submit to authority figures that God has put in my life, but if I feel like I'm being treated unfairly, I'll probably speak up. Sure, smiling can bless people, but I don't want to be a fake.

I spend a lot of time alone, but it's the season of life God has me in right now. I believe this is my time to write a novel, which I've dreamed of doing since I was a little girl playing on my parents' old typewriter. I've given up on being a playwright because my first play sucked and, well, it might be kinda hard to write good theater if I've never done any acting. I'm trying to find the balance between working at my craft and socializing, but overall, it's hard to write a novel if I spend all my spare time hanging out with people or talking to them on the phone. I still have my guitar, which is well-worn at the first 2 frets, and although I'm not the songwriting machine I used to be, I still have ideas floating through my head. I'm more into quality than quantity.

My day job pays enough money to make a monthly car payment. Other than that, I avoid debt like the plague and hope to finally pay off my old credit card balance this year. I try to save fast food for special occasions. I depend on God for money to pay bills, and I work hard at my job and even volunteer to work overtime.

I live alone again, but I make my bed every morning and empty the litterbox nightly; once a week, I do 2 loads of laundry and vacuum -- these household chores usually happen automatically. There are no piles of clothes in my bedroom. I'm still learning to incorporate the rest of the chores into my routine, i.e., dusting and dishes (the latter is my least favorite!), but I'm content with my progress. I've discovered pre-moistened wipes -- Lysol and Pledge -- which are beautiful. I don't invite anybody over unless my place is decent (or sanitary) enough for company.

One of my two cats is even friendlier than the one I met a decade ago. (She was snuggling and purring on my desk while I was writing part of this.)

When I'm at church, I usually cry during communion, when I'm reminded that Jesus died so I could be part of His family. (And I pretty much cry whenever I think about how faithful God has been to me.) Slowly but surely, I've let Him teach me how to be still and find my security in Him. I'm a much more confident person, and I'm nobody's doormat. I've learned that there's a difference between loving people and letting them take advantage of you. I've learned how to be assertive, and I'm not afraid of offending people or offering my opinion anymore, even to the point where I have to be reminded to be gentle and kind to people. When I say or do the wrong thing, I appreciate it when people call me on it so I can apologize and make it right. I know that nothing can separate me from God's love, and depression is no longer welcome in my life (I know how to deal with it now).

Whew! I'm thankful that God hasn't given up on me. :)