Reflections of the third decade, part VIII

Please feel free to skip this post if you find my decade contrasts boring or redundant, but I’m still fascinated at how freakin’ much God can change me in 10 years. Thanks in advance for reading. :)

When I was 24, I was convinced that I had to be like everybody else. There were a zillion things going on with me emotionally, and I was rarely at peace. My mind was often racing, remembering pain that people had caused me, and there was at least one occasion where I fantasized about violently causing pain back. In hindsight, I know that I needed to forgive people for a lot of stuff. The Bible basically says that if you don’t forgive somebody, you will be tortured. I know firsthand that that is true! Constantly thinking about and reliving an offense doesn’t make it go away. It stays there, making you angrier and angrier, and eventually the anger inside you turns into depression, and you get eaten from the inside out.

Anyway, I was very miserable. I was suicidal, no joke, for probably most of this year. During one Christian counseling session (maybe when I was 23), I basically said that I was in a hole, and I was allowing God to pull me out of it... but I wanted to just stay in the hole. Much later that year, I think in early 2001, I had a very powerful, simple encounter with God that I see now as one of the major turning points in my emotional healing. (The details are much too private to share online, but I’d be happy to share with you in person if you’re curious. :))

I had no practical outlets to express my anger or depression, and I had no practical escapes to relieve me from any of my misery. I considered TV and movies to be evil unless they told some godly story or were created by a Christian studio. (Yet I worked at a public TV station at the time. I know, huh? I was really confused and messed up!) I would come home to my very disorderly, very dirty apartment that I had become afraid to live in anymore. Actually, fear basically controlled my life.

Now that I am 34, fear isn’t welcome in my life, and I want God to be at the center of everything. I actually caught myself asking Him the other day if I could please wash dishes one evening... BECAUSE WASHING DISHES NOW RELAXES ME!! This is definitely an act of God. :) Now I work at a company that enhances TV and movies for deaf and hearing impaired viewers. Instead of throwing away TV and movies as pastimes altogether, I think I’ve finally learned to be picky enough about what I watch to enjoy it without worshiping it. There is more balance in my life now.

I’m very zealous about my emotional well-being. Although there have been a few times recently when the pit of depression has been very available to sink back into again, I trust God now. (He’s the One who pulls me out of the pit -- He can rescue anyone who will let Him.) He’s the One who gives me peace. I call out to Him, and He helps me. Sometimes I might have to wait a while, but it’s worth the wait. God is always worth the wait. :) He’s also the One who reminds me about the novel I’m writing and about how I can use it as an outlet to ramble about emotions. Isn’t that awesome? He likes to take manure and turn it into fertilizer!

I’m becoming OK with who I am now. I’m certainly not perfect, but I also certainly don’t have to be exactly like everybody else. I can be whoever God has created me to be. Finding out who that is is an adventure indeed. :)