I just finished my first semester of Bible college. I would like for
that to sink in for a little bit.
OH, MY GOSH, I’M IN BIBLE COLLEGE!!!
If you’ve followed my blog for the past few years, you know how much I’ve
dreamed about this, how much I’ve wanted this, how much I’ve planned (or tried
to plan) for this. Remember that empty bookshelf that I cleared off in my home,
for the purpose of storing textbooks, in faith, in anticipation of me going
back to school?
It’s been put to good use. (Not shown are a couple of books that I
already sold to Half Price Books -- along with a few DVDs -- for a pretty good
price.)
What a crazy semester it has been! I think I’ve encountered trials and
crises in nearly every possible area of my life: financially, physically,
emotionally, socially, professionally, mentally, etc. But it has been such an
adventure. And I know it’s far from over.
Traditionally, I like to blog around my birthday, so in this particular
post I’m probably going to do that annual reflection plus the school reflection
plus just a general update on my life. Heh, heh. Because EVERYTHING is
different now!
For instance, I wear reading glasses now on top of my regular glasses.
(Maybe Jeff Foxworthy would say something like, “You know you’re a redneck in
your 40s when...”) I’ve heard people say that they instantly needed reading
glasses the day they turned 40. That didn’t happen to me. I gradually started
holding things out in front of my face so that I could see them clearly. But exactly
one month before I turned 43, I was at church and looked down at my Bible, and I couldn’t hold my Bible in a spot in front of my face where I could read it
comfortably. The following Tuesday, I suddenly couldn’t see clearly while I was
taking notes in class. That was the last straw.
I drove to Dollar Tree after school and purchased a pair of reading
glasses and, voila, homemade bifocals! (I remember seeing a crazy lady on a
reality show awhile back wearing homemade bifocals, too, so I think maybe that’s
how the idea got in my head.) You can laugh if you want, and sometimes I feel a
little silly wearing them, but when I realize that I can SEE, I kind of don’t
care how crazy I look. (Wait. Since when have I cared about being crazy?)
But I’ll tell you one thing: I don’t think I ever imagined that at 43
years old, I would be in school full-time while working three part-time jobs.
(Yes, you read that right. I think you already knew I was a lunatic.) Life has
become quite the adventure indeed!
Want to hear something funny? I’m amazed at how technology has made
college so much different than it was in the 1990s. The internet makes it so
much faster to research, access, and learn information. But, of course,
machines aren’t human beings that can actually understand you. Here’s what the
internet thought I said when I was doing a tiny bit of research for a project and
spoke “recitatives in oratorios” into my phone:
No, not “Wichita thieves.”
Now for something not-so-funny. Perhaps you remember me writing a couple of months ago about how I’ve been doing what is
basically a Bible study for abuse survivors. When I first began participating
in this group/study, I was strongly exhorted to take a break from platform
ministry for the duration of the group/study due to the emotional intensity of
the curriculum. So, I haven’t been singing in the choir or on the Messianic
worship team for the past couple of months. (In case you were wondering, YES, I’LL
BE BACK! It really is just a short break!!)
So, while I’ve been away from the worship platform, while going to
school, while working three different jobs, and taking my blood pressure three
times a day, just trying to survive and yet thrive simultaneously, while
working through crazy emotional issues, and still seeing my therapist, and just
trying to settle in to my new life in general because every possible thing
about my life seems to have changed completely... life kind of became surreal.
Mostly in a good way. I’ve FINALLY been getting to live out my dream! I’m
finally officially, formally preparing to become a worship pastor. In my
classes, the professors have said things like, “When you become a worship
pastor, here are the types of situations you’ll encounter” or “As a worship
pastor, you’ll need to be aware of such-and-such” or “Here’s how you can apply
this particular principle in the context of being a worship pastor.” Not IF.
WHEN.
This is really happening! People take me and my dreams seriously.
People are intentionally training me to do something that I’ve been wanting to
learn how to do. They’re not ignoring me. They’re not blowing me off. They’re
not trying to convince me to do something else. They’re willing to equip me
with what I need. They’re tailor-making my classes in a way that will allow me
to learn very practical skills that I’m going to need to use someday. They’re
openly teaching me from their own experiences.
My classmates are just like me. Yes, of course our
personalities and our backgrounds are all different, but we all have almost the
same goals. We’re all preparing for the ministry. (And so far, we’ve all been artsy-fartsy
musicians.) Most of them are about half my age, but I’m not self-conscious
about that anymore because they accept me as one of their peers, and vice versa.
I should pinch myself to see if I’m still dreaming.
And yet... life was kind of surreal in a strange way for a while. I was
like... What am I? Am I a full-time college student? Am I an office
professional? Am I an editor? Am I a food delivery driver? Am I a cardiology
patient with old-people blood pressure levels? Am I a worship leader? Am I a
worship pastor in training? Am I a songwriter? Am I a crazy cat lady? (Of
course, the answer is yes to all of the above.) Not working an 8 to 5 job was
weird at first this semester because I had all this free time on my hands
during the day after I would finish with class and/or studying at the library (before
my schedule got jam-packed). I kind of felt like I was on vacation and was due
to go back to work sometime soon.
But that never happened. Thank heavens. I really was pretty restless
while I was stuck doing desk work at 8-to-5 jobs that didn’t offer
opportunities for professional advancement and that didn’t offer any challenges
except for the office politics (or me relearning how to submit to authority,
but that’s another story altogether).
So, I gradually and finally settled into my crazy new non-routine
routine of life where there is NEVER a dull moment. Even in our nice, quiet
library, I can sometimes hear a worship band playing through the walls -- because
my school used to be a church building, and now it’s a college campus with a
nice auditorium that has a ferocious sound system, and we often host church
events in addition to our weekly chapels. So, what do you do when you’re trying
to do homework at a library computer and you hear drums pounding and electric
guitars whining and vocalists singing through the walls? You adjust. (I saved
my video assignments for chapel mornings so that I could watch with my earbuds
and concentrate with no problem at all.)
That’s life in the ministry: Stuff comes along unexpectedly, and you
just roll with it. You have to. (Especially in worship ministry.) Otherwise,
you could be miserable.
Or if you deliver dinner to a customer’s house on a Sunday and the man of the
house doesn’t bother to put a shirt on when he answers the door. Or when you’re
trying to find somebody’s house in an unfamiliar neighborhood and an Asian lady
-- who’s just hanging out outdoors with a wad of chewing tobacco in her mouth --
just randomly waves at you when you drive by. Or when somebody orders four
sandwiches and four bags of chips and sends you to a FedEx Office to drop off
the delivery and doesn’t show up because it was probably the wrong address, but
they don’t answer you when you text them or pick up the phone when you call
them, and you end up keeping their food because your delivery service instructs
you to throw it away. (I ended up eating the sandwiches except for the
sodium-risky cold cuts, and I gave away the chips.)
That’s life in the ministry: People are messy and crazy and
unpredictable. (And I wasn’t exactly sure how else to weave those human
interest stories into a blog post. I mean, come on. Just put a shirt on.)
“Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it;
unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” (Psalm 127:1-2)
It’s definitely been an adventure building this house and watching this
city with God. It’s definitely been fun watching Him work and getting to join
Him.
But it has been insanely crazy in nearly every way imaginable. I’ve
been getting about 4-5 hours of sleep a night (sometimes less, but I usually get
to sleep in on the weekends), and I’ve been exhausted, and I’ve wondered if I’ve
spread myself out too thin or if I’ve been doing everything right. And God has
been right there with me. He’s shown me, “The point
of this semester is, ‘You can do it.’
Another thing that has helped me keep going is realizing that the
craziness is only temporary. It will all eventually end when I graduate. But I know that when it’s all over,
I’m really going to miss it.
A lot.
