The pandemic: the bad parts
This year has gotten such a bad rap so far. Yes, it’s been difficult—and
with COVID-19, it’s felt like we’ve been living in a bad dream—but personally,
it hasn’t been my worst year.
2019 was the hardest year of my life. I had financial issues, health
issues, car issues, and relationship issues. I had to step off the worship
platform for a few months so that I could get a handle on some emotional
healing. I saw family for the first time in about 8 years. I started 3 new
jobs. I went back to school and learned how to be in college while being
hopelessly dependent on the internet. And yet, I’m really glad that I went
through all of that because it prepared me for 2020.
The pandemic has been awful. We all know that. And yet, I think that’s
what’s made it so doable: Literally everyone in the entire world has been
affected by it. I don’t ever have to explain to anyone why 1) I’ve had to stay at
home 2) I haven’t been able to lead worship at church and 3) I’ve had to wear a
mask. Because everyone already knows. Can you imagine if you were the only one
who had to do any or all of that all by yourself? You’d probably feel like a
freak. At the very least, we’ve all been in this together.
And yet, I’m kind of done
with this pandemic, as I think we all are. Since my food delivery job is
considered to be “essential,” I’ve seen all kinds of people and the ways that
they’ve been dealing with everything. Some people were cautious from the very
beginning. Others haven’t really seemed to care about the whole social
distancing thing. Still others wear masks but don’t cover their mouths or noses
with it, which makes me think they’re either careless or maybe overworked and
just don’t care anymore.
Speaking of, I honestly kinda started to resent it when people
would say that we’ve all had so much spare time since we’ve been stuck at home. No,
not all of us. I ended up being busier than I’ve been in a long time. Since
people couldn’t eat at restaurants for a while, they ordered takeout, so food
deliveries spiked. My bank account was happy because I was so busy, but I
didn’t really get to breathe between deliveries like I normally do. (Tonight was the first slow-ness that I’ve seen since March.) Since I’ve
been working from home for my office job, it’s been challenging for me to set
boundaries for myself since I’ve been working in the place where I usually
rest. And since all of my classes moved online for the latter half of the
semester, the amount of work doubled for most of my courses. In addition to
showing up for class (online), I had to complete extra assignments that proved
I was doing the work.
As a result, I’ve been dealing with exhaustion and burnout. My natural
tendency is to be a workaholic, so it’s been hard to try to not overwork myself
and yet have to do extra work. I talked to my therapist about feeling burned
out, but it doesn’t seem like there’s any need for alarm in terms of my mental
health.
Thankfully, since the semester has been over for a week now, I’ve felt
myself gradually slowing down, relaxing in my natural tendency to study
everything (even when school isn’t in session), and resting a tiny bit more.
I’ve remembered what God told me about what 2020 would be for me. My
word for the year is “epic,” and He said that this year would be “on the edge of your
seat.” I’ve also heard Him say, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” It’s
interesting how this year has unfolded so far. COVID-19 has certainly turned
out to be a disease of epic proportions. We’ve all been on the edge of our seats
as we wait to see how soon life will return to normal. And there have been lots
of little things in my life that I’ve wondered about: Should I get a new laptop
or a new phone? Should I have adjusted the way I was turning in my assignments
for school or my approach to doing homework? Should I update my strategy for
food deliveries? Well, none of the above was broke, so I didn’t fix any of it.
And I’m good with the results.
And in case this still needs to be said: THIS WAS THE WEIRDEST SEMESTER EVER.
The music
I switched from guitar to piano this semester. This was a big deal for
me, and it’s the first time that I’ve studied piano since 1997 when I was at
Baylor. I got to shake off some rust and learn a lot of new skills. And I had a
blast! In Matthew 25 in the Bible, the master tells his one-talent servant that
he should have at least put his talent in the bank so that it would have collected some interest. I think in all of those years that I had largely set aside the piano, that
talent had been collecting interest. It was pretty epic to see what I was able
to withdraw from that bank. There have been times when I’ve sat at my keyboard
and played, and I’ve heard new melodies come out of my fingertips that I don’t remember
putting there, and I’ve seen my fingers go to places that I don’t remember
training them to go. (I also think all of the emotional healing has helped clear
the air and lighten the load.) Shucks, I didn’t know my fingers could do that!
So, I’ve just enjoyed the ride.
As an assignment for one of my courses this semester, I broadcast a
worship concert on Facebook Live during finals week where I led worship with my
little piano keyboard. (I was so nervous! I covered up my many mistakes by
singing louder and changing my rhythm/style.) I’m always eager to lead worship,
but I attend such a large church and a school that only has a certain number of
slots, so there aren’t always very many opportunities to lead. It felt good to
be in charge of a worship set again! And I think that was the first time I’ve
led worship on piano since I was in my parents’ living room in the summer of ’96
or ’97.
In case anyone was wondering, I haven’t completely given up the guitar.
I still play every once in a while. I just need to build my calluses up again
if I want to play for long periods of time. (Owie.)
The pandemic: the good parts
My Facebook Live piano concert was an epic opportunity for me, and I
wouldn’t have had it if it COVID-19 hadn’t put all of my classes
online. During a regular semester, I would have performed only one song for a
grade in front of my peers. This semester, I played multiple songs, and even
though I was by myself, more than 100 people ended up watching me. That frickin’
rocked.
Other things have rocked, too. In a season of economic uncertainty, God
has been providing for me in epic ways: I’ve been able to work from home for my
office job, I got some new freelance gigs, and of course I’ve been extremely
busy with food delivery. Add to that the economic stimulus from the
government, and voilà, I’m financially OK for the first time since 2017. (I
hope it stays that way!)
Of course, since I’ve been home so much more, I’ve spent a ton of time around MeepMeep. Unlike my previous cats, she has really gone with the flow with my schedule change. (I think it helped that she used to live inside a vet clinic. You never really know what’s going to happen there.) Thankfully, over these past two months it seemed like she was sick of me only a time or two. The rest of the time, I think she’s been glad to have me around. When I leave to deliver food and come back, she seems ecstatic to see me.
I think one thing that we can all learn from this pandemic is
how to persevere. This will all be over eventually, and we need to just stick
it out and wait for it to end. We can finish strong!
But we can’t just up and quit.
The seriousness
I heard that May is Mental Health Awareness Month. If you’re not
familiar with my story, I attempted suicide nearly 20 years ago. (I still
celebrate it as a morbid anniversary every November. Because I’m still alive.)
I’ve dealt with depression off and on since about 1998, with 1999 and 2000
being the worst years for it. You think 2020 is bad? For me, it’s been nothing
compared to the mental hell that I went through all those years ago.
For me, getting free from depression has been sort of like a ripple
effect. The biggest waves were my couple of years of depression that led up to
my suicide attempt, and working through that helped the waves to calm down.
Then something would happen to disrupt the waters, and the ripples would need
some time to subside again. (2013 was another horrible year for me. If you read
my blog back then, perhaps you remember my long, prolific angry posts.) In
recent years, I’ve been dealing with getting rid of the roots that drove me to
depression, so it’s gotten so much better. When I needed to start working from
home a couple of months ago, I was concerned that I would wig out again
(because that’s what happened in 2013), but thankfully I only had like
one depressed day. The rest of the time, I’ve been OK.
This evening as I was beginning my food deliveries, I was playing the Christian
industrial music that I used to listen to years ago in my car. I was like, I’m too happy to listen to this, so I
switched to The Gipsy Kings’ danceable Latin beats instead.
I think the reason why Mental Health Awareness Month is a thing is
because not everyone understands how serious mental health issues can be. If
you’ve never experienced clinical depression, you don’t know what it’s like to
be depressed. I don’t know what it’s like to be bipolar, because I’ve never
been bipolar. I don’t know what panic attacks feel like, because I’ve never had
one. But I know what it’s like to get so depressed that I either feel like
cutting myself or killing myself, because I’ve been there.
When people either attempt or commit suicide, they often stun the
people in their lives who say that they didn’t see it coming. Uh, yeah. If you
genuinely want to take your life, you’re not going to want anyone to know about
it, because you don’t want anyone or anything to foil your plan, so of course
you’re going to try to hide it. Sorry, but that’s the way the deception works.
(Yes, there’s an enemy behind the madness.)
Someone’s mental health isn’t something that you can just blow off.
People in the Church—as loving and as well-intentioned as they can be—can be
especially clueless about mental health, especially depression. Throughout the
years, I’ve encountered a variety of attitudes from church people: getting
basically ignored when I mentioned suicide, getting the spirit of depression
rebuked over me lots of times, getting treated like a child, getting studied
like a science experiment, having things taken away because I was struggling... receiving some sound wisdom, being blessed by a
listening ear, getting checked on by a concerned friend, and everything in between.
I’m very glad to say that I’ve seen improvement from the Church over the years.
I think all of the mental health awareness has been working.
This pandemic has been messing with people in all kinds of ways. It
wouldn’t hurt to check on people to make sure they’re holding up OK.
Although the Church still has a lot to learn (as we all do), I think
church people have been doing a better job of understanding that the battle for
mental health isn’t just a spiritual one. It’s a battle that’s fought on several
different fronts: spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, social, relational, chemical,
psychological, etc. Yes, pray for people, walk with them through their fires, but also make sure that people have
access to a good therapist if they need one, and don’t shame them for taking medication
if they need it. Comedian Chonda Pierce has said that when people have criticized
her for taking medicine for depression, she’s quipped, “Take off your glasses
and drive home. Where’s your faith?”
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: You never know what’s behind
a person’s smile. You may never fully realize what a person has had to go
through to achieve a genuine smile that expresses a joy and a peace that surpasses
all understanding. If people don’t understand it, I don’t mind too much.
Through my journey, I’ve developed a relationship with my Father that no one
will be able to take away from me.
#breakthestigma
As always, thank you for reading!
