I love my church. It has, in my opinion, one of the best, life-giving singles ministries I’ve been honored to be a part of. My church makes sure we singles have a place to be planted and thrive the way God wants us to. Yet even in a place where singles are wanted, valued, and not treated like outcasts, we are sometimes accidentally singled out by married people. I can’t speak for everybody, but what I have experienced is that my singlehood is sometimes spotlighted accidentally by married people. They don’t mean to do it, and I know they love me, but let me give you an example. I recently received an email encouraging me to get the “man in my life” to attend a men’s retreat. Do you know who the man in my life is? Let me show you his picture.
This is my orange cat. I snapped photos of him last spring because I wanted to capture how he marks his territory on my tuna cans. This is a bird’s-eye view of him jumping up and wiping his cheek on an unopened can. Yes, he is completely missing my hand and exclusively paying attention to the tuna. Good thing he isn’t my boyfriend. Our relationship would be in serious trouble!
I kid around. But in all seriousness, I’m OK with being single right now. That doesn’t mean I’m “dating Jesus.” That means I understand that God has me single right now because He hasn’t given me a man yet (not a cat, an actual man). Yes, I would much rather be married. I’ve never been married, and I’ve gone approximately 17 years without a date, and none of this has been my choice. God has been healing me, especially from rejection, etc. I’m content with my marital status right now, meaning that I don’t want it, but I’ll take it, and if I’m where God wants me, I’m OK with it. Yet sometimes, out of nowhere, a wave of pain will slap me in the face. It will remind me, “You’re alone. You’re husbandless. You’re boyfriendless. You’re dateless.” This is a painful truth. I take my pain to God, and He lets me cry on His shoulder. I get closer to Him. I appreciate that. Unfortunately, what I don’t appreciate is the wave of pain that slaps me in the face. That email I received about the “man in my life” is one such example. The married people (at least, I assume they’re married) who sent that email were just doing some clever advertising. They weren’t trying to hurt me.
I know that the married people in my church love me because they try to give me metaphorical examples of what God’s character is like. Unfortunately, they give me examples that I really can’t relate to -- for example, “God loves and accepts His children in a similar way that I love and accept my children.” Um, good for you. Uh, what were we talking about again? Or even worse -- “Such and such is a lot like dating. Remember when you went on your first date and you were nervous about what the other person would think of you?” Um, no, and I don’t have time to go into detail and explain why. Uh, dating -- I’m not sure the rewind button in my brain can even travel back that far!
You’re speaking to me in a foreign language. I’m sorry, but no comprendo. That means, “I don’t understand.” If you want me to grasp what you’re trying to communicate, please speak a language that I understand. Otherwise, I may tune you out. ¿Entiendes lo que estoy diciendo? Yeah, I didn’t think so. :) Perhaps you should try translating your message into cat-lady. “What? You mean the way I feel about my cats is a teensy little fraction of how humongously much God loves me? Because He made me, redeemed me, and wants me?? Wow! I get it!!” See? Transmission received and understood. :) Or you could try speaking in general-truth terms. “God loves you and wants the very best for you.” See? I understand that language, too! :)
Let’s go back to the diversity training for a bit. I’m not quite sure how to go about this, but I’m just gonna get it all out there. If you’re married and/or have children, just because I’m single and live alone doesn’t mean that my time isn’t as valuable as yours. Being single doesn’t mean that my life is meaningless or useless. Do you know what it’s like to live alone? Do you know what it’s like to have to pay all your living expenses, clean your entire apartment, carry all your groceries and luggage up several flights of stairs on a regular basis, work full-time, have a social life, and juggle all of the above, constantly having to manage your time and tweak your schedule -- alone? Just because I’m alone doesn’t mean that I’m bored, unhappy, empty, or pathetic. To clarify, I belong to Jesus, and He’ll never leave me or forsake me, so even though I’m alone, I’m technically not by myself. :)
My being single might not necessarily be my fault. Singlehood is a season of life. It is not a problem that needs to be solved. However, I think a relationship would be an extremely delicate equation that God will need to balance. I’m only one variable in the equation. My future man is another important variable. Even my therapist confirmed this for me about 10 years ago. After he helped me through some depression issues, during our last session, I thought he could help me figure out the mystery of how to get a guy. He looked at me like I had asked him a dumb question. I don’t remember his exact response, but he replied blankly, “If you like him and he likes you, then go out with him.” Easier said than done, doc! I’m not the One who’s in control here.
Some things in life were just meant to be a mystery. Some mysteries need to be respected. I can’t speak for everybody, but for myself I can say that I’m beginning to believe that singlehood isn’t some crazy punishment that God has given me. For me, I believe that God has kept me single because He’s been protecting me from some bad things and preserving me for some good things. And I’m OK with that now. And even if He never gives me a husband or a boyfriend or a date or children or a family, I need to be OK with that, too. I need to be OK with belonging to a good God who loves me. Reader, I hope you can be OK with that, too.
Mil gracias por estar aquí conmigo en Here’s What It’s Like To Be Single Theater. [Flamenco music plays in background. Cat lady dances, twirling around wildly while clutching her surprised-looking feline.]
