When I was a kid, Dad was unemployed for a year and
a half. During that time, Mom was the breadwinner, and I remember she paid our allowance with the
tips she earned from her hairdressing job. Dad, who wasn’t using the education
and experience he’d worked so hard to earn, became depressed. He used to sit on
our couch and watch our VHS of It’s a
Wonderful Life frequently, no matter what time of year it was.
I think I understand why. During the course of the movie, George Bailey
experiences a sudden financial crisis and contemplates suicide. He’s cured of
this urge when he sees what the world would have been like without him. At the
end of the movie, he no longer wants to end his life, and his entire community
surrounds him, celebrates his life, and supports him quite richly. People dig
deeply into their pockets and make sure he has what he needs to move on.
I think it’s a bummer that Dad didn’t really experience this phenomenon
for himself -- at least, not while I knew him. But I’ve experienced it. In the
past 16 months especially, people have surrounded me, celebrated me, and
supported me during my crises -- financially, emotionally, and spiritually.
It’s amazing to see what happens when God puts you on His people’s hearts and
they very generously make sure you have what you need. (Thank you!!!!!)
Sometimes you need a little time to just get your bearings so that
you can move on to the next step.
For me, one unique thing about 2018 has been getting to see my life pass
before my eyes. (Perhaps you read my thoughts about this phenomenon in a previous post.) This year, I got a chance to relive
many situations, big and small, that I had already experienced in my life. It
was kind of like living out a Greatest Hits album or one of those flashback
episodes of a sitcom.
For example, the other day, I dusted off my old Atari and played for the
first time in many years. (When I was a kid in the 80s and 90s, my sister and I
were gamers before gaming was a thing.) Some of the game cartridges don’t
work anymore, and I haven’t figured out how to eliminate the static from my TV
screen, but the antique game console still serves its purpose. Using it made me
feel like I was 12 years old again, in a good way. I would like for this to be
a regular form of entertainment for me.
I experienced a ton of déjà vu this year, and I know God designed it
that way for me. Pretty much whenever a situation would come along that I felt
like I was experiencing all over again, I would see Him flash me an excited
look in His eyes, and He’d say, “Your life before your eyes.” Heh.
Just to name a few: I enrolled in college classes, I lost a job, I
started hating a job, I worked unconventional hours, I became depressed, I fought
suicidal thoughts, I signed up for psychotherapy, I regrew guitar calluses on
my fingertips, I fixed some issues with my car, I received free food and other
cool stuff from friends, God made sure my rent was paid, and I enjoyed having a
lap cat.
Sometimes when I was re-experiencing things, God would remind me that I
was reliving the highlights of my life. Sometimes it felt strange at first. I
was like, “Depression is a highlight?” And God was like, “OVERCOMING depression
is a highlight.” Cool.
That part about enjoying a lap cat is pretty special. When Macho died,
I lost my lap cat. (Choochie was more of a shoulder cat, like a pirate’s
parrot.) But lately, MeepMeep has discovered that my lap is a good place to
hang out. (Especially when I’m eating a meal and I drop some food.) If nothing
else, one of the best things about this current season of my life is being at
home often enough for MeepMeep to develop a closer bond with me and learn how
to trust me even more.
Isn’t that how it is with God? We go through difficult things that end
up pushing us closer to Him, and He sustains us through those times; and in the process,
we realize that we can’t live without Him. And after the trial is over, we
still cling to Him because...
As I type this, I’m having a hard time finding the words to complete
that last sentence. We still cling to Him, even when things are going smoothly,
because... we need Him? we realize how much we need Him? we ache when He’s not
around? we love Him? the thought of Him not being close to us makes us panic?
His friendship has become the most important thing in our lives? we realize
more than ever that we belong to Him, so all we really want to do is just hang
out with Him and His family? we realize that we’re toast without Him? we just
like Him, and we don’t want to be anywhere that He’s not? we don’t ever want to
break our connection with Him? we know that we would break His heart if we
would ever consider leaving Him? we know we would be stupid to try? we know
that we don’t belong to anybody else? we just want Him, because He wanted us
first? have I mentioned that we need Him?
Yes. I think all of the above, plus whatever your heart would add to my
heart-gush.
“Many sorrows shall be to the wicked; but he who trusts in the Lord,
mercy shall surround him.” (Psalm 32:10)
This year hasn’t just been one long episode of déjà vu. I relearned a
few things, too: how to pour out my heart to God, how to submit to authority, how
to be assertive, and yet how to keep my mouth shut when I REALLY want to open
it.
And I’ve learned some completely new things as well. For instance, I’m pretty much working the first job I’ve ever had that didn’t require me
to sit at a desk. The schedule isn’t flexible. We have very little freedom
while we’re on the clock. We can only take our break times when they tell us we
can take them. And if we show up late for work, we’ll have to wait outside
until somebody unlocks the door for us. (I bought a wristwatch to help me keep better
track of my time.)
But one part of my life flashing before my eyes has been something that
God spoke to me during a church service several years ago. He told me to “embrace
awkwardness,” and He explained why: I used to be a Pharisee. Pharisees insist
on everything going as perfectly as possible. That way of life doesn’t leave
any room for grace. But when you’re in an awkward situation, you have to walk
in grace: receiving grace for yourself and extending grace to other people. Otherwise, you’ll be miserable.
But embracing awkwardness -- embracing the fact that people will mess
up, YOU’LL mess up, situations will arise that will be out of your control, and
it’s OK, because that’s a natural part of life here on earth, and there won’t
always be a right or wrong answer to every situation, and you won’t always have to
fix everything -- leaves room for God to move. Because people will always be
people; they will never be controllable robots. Awkwardness, as painful and embarrassing
as it can be, leaves plenty of room for grace.
So, awkwardness is one thing that cures Pharisee-ism.
I think I’m living in the most awkward season of my life, at least
schedule-wise. Since I have to be at work extremely early in the mornings, and
I get off in the mornings, I sleep during prime time. Yesterday, my body wanted
to go to bed at 2 p.m. (as it had the day before), but since that seemed absurd
to me, especially since I don’t have to work today, I started writing this post
just to keep myself awake. (I was able to make it until about 4 p.m.) I woke up
naturally sometime after midnight, and now I’ll be able to finish writing this
and post it waaaaay before the crack of dawn.
God has told me that this season of temp jobs is almost over and that I
should enjoy it while I can. But I confess -- I’ve had trouble enjoying it. When
I get off work (after only a 5- or 6-hour shift), I sit on my couch and think
of all the millions of things that I should probably be doing... but am too
tired to do... but then I wonder if all those millions of things are really
that important. Resting is important. Sleeping is important. Enjoying my cat is
important. Just being myself and enjoying the life that God has given me is
important. Hmm. Maybe that’s one thing God was talking about: I need to just “be”
and not sweat the small stuff. Not to mention -- when I start school again next
month, I might not get many opportunities to put my feet up and just enjoy “being.”
So, I’ll enjoy. And I’ll keep trusting. And I’ll keep dreaming...
because I think God is waaaaay more interested in my dreams than I am. Heh. You
know, they really weren’t my ideas in the first place. They were His.
That most certainly is a wonderful life.
