Reflecting on the phenomena

Back when I used to have time to blog, I think I would post something once a week or at least once a month. Now that I’ve gone back to school—which, if you’ve been following my blog over the years, is a dream come true—I think I only have time to blog once a semester. I also usually blog around New Year’s Day. So, due to my crazy schedule, I thought I’d combine those two things and blog everything here all at once. Thank you in advance for reading.

Academic phenomenon

The word that God gave me for my 2019 was “phenomenon.” If I remember correctly, I took that to mean that 2019 would be a really cool year and that maybe stuff would happen that I wouldn’t quite be able to explain. I remembered all of that near the beginning of the year, but then I kind of forgot about it... probably because I was smack-dab in the midst of it.

First of all, this year I became a full-time Bible college student with three part-time jobs, and I also sing on three worship teams. Yes, you read that correctly. I’ve been extremely busy. And I’ve been having the time of my life. MeepMeep has had to be flexible with my crazy schedule, but she’s been adjusting like a champ. (And she takes advantage of every possible opportunity to get my attention.)

 

This past semester, my schedule was slammed. Most of the time during the day, when I wasn’t in class, I was at work. At night, I had to practice for my voice lesson and my guitar lesson and also do my homework. There wasn’t any way humanly possible to get absolutely everything done perfectly or to read every assigned page every time.

So, God helped me. I prioritized. I worked on whatever was due first (whatever was in front of me). If I had to do a book report/critique for a class, I took the paperback with me to school/work so that I could read it if I had time and also to read it between/during food deliveries. Other than that, I couldn’t find or make time to read any textbooks to prepare for lectures. In one of my classes, I ended up reading only chapter 1 of the textbook and part of chapter 2 but still did OK on the midterm exam. However, I found out that the professor in another class graded us on whether or not we read the textbook (if you read less than 100% of the assigned reading, he would count off points on your exam, if you would answer honestly). So, for that class, I hope this isn’t TMI, I kept the textbook in the restroom and did most of my reading in there. 

Here’s my point: I had to make some adjustments this year. Would you like to see the results? Here are my grades for Spring 2019...

...and here are my grades for Fall 2019.

I got all As for both semesters. I hope you understand that these were NOT easy As. My school is an accredited university with challenging curriculum. Yes, I worked my little tail off to show up for class, learn the material, and complete the assignments. Yes, I already have a bachelor’s degree, so I know how to do the work, I know what professors are looking for, and I know how to write papers. Yes, I only got about 4-5 hours of sleep a night (except for Saturdays, when I would rest completely).

But... what the heck? When I learned what all of my grades were for the Spring, I burst into explosive-triumphant tears. When I learned what all of my grades were for the Fall, I was ecstatic but still kind of stunned. How... in the world... did I get straight As while being in school full time, with three part-time jobs and spots on three worship teams?

I believe that was a phenomenon. It’s something cool that happened, but I can’t really explain it. I just kept showing up, and so did God. If there’s any doubt in my mind as to whether or not I made the right decision to go back to school, I can just look at my GPA.

One cool thing about being in Bible college is the constant reminder that everything I do or experience during this season is really just preparation for ministry. Time management is probably going to be a big deal when I become a pastor someday.

When I was at Baylor, I was a traditional college student with no job—just school, church, and the typical social life of a young adult. And yet I ended up pulling all-nighters and would show up 20 minutes late for class because I hadn’t finished my papers in time. And I usually didn’t make straight As. I have no idea what ate up all the time that I had on my hands.

In contrast, in Bible college with absolutely no spare time whatsoever, I didn’t have to pull any all-nighters, I showered daily, I packed a lunch and hauled it around with me every day, and I stayed awake during the day without a drop of caffeine. Staying awake at night was a challenge (towards the end of the semester, I would either take a power nap or just go to bed early and wake up early the next day to finish homework), but I still learned an important lesson: You’ll learn how to manage your time when you don’t HAVE time.

At the beginning of this past semester, I had class on Thursdays from 8 to 12:15, and then I had a voice lesson at 12:30, and then I had to be at work at 1:30, and then as soon as I got off work, I had a guitar lesson scheduled at 5:00. I remember thinking, Why am I doing this to myself? Then I realized: If I become a pastor someday, my schedule might just be that crazy. I might as well get used to it now.

My work schedule changed slightly, so I had a tiny bit of breathing room in my schedule for the rest of the semester, but still... this entire thing has just been a phenomenon.

Biblical phenomenon

The way I see the Bible has really been stretched this year—in a good way, of course. I wrote in a previous post about how I took a class this summer that showed me how harmful it can be to just quote Bible verses out of context. The class also taught us how important it is to actually read the Bible, rather than just analyzing it and studying it. This past semester, I took a class that balanced out my summer class: I learned how to actually study the Bible, which of course involves looking at Bible passages in their own context and in their historical context, etc. I think it was my favorite class this Fall.

One thing I learned is that there is a difference between something called exegesis (studying and examining the Bible to see what you can get out of it) and eisegesis (reading something into a Bible verse that isn’t really there). Reader, if I have misled you in past blog posts by performing eisegesis on a Bible verse (quoting it so that it would fit into what I was saying), I do apologize. My disclaimer was always that I’m not a theologian or a Bible scholar, but I’ve since learned that I actually am... especially if I’m a songwriter.

We worship leaders are learning nowadays just how influential we are in shaping the theology of contemporary Christians. People sometimes get their theological beliefs from the songs that we write. For example, here’s something that’s been bothering me lately. We toss around the term “The Great I AM” rather frequently, but is that term exactly in the Bible? I haven’t been able to find it. In Exodus chapter 3, God calls Himself “I AM” and “I AM WHO I AM” in the NKJV, but where did “The Great” come from?

Did it come from a songwriter? Did it come from Jared Anderson’s song “Great I Am?” Or did it come from Mark Lowry’s Christmas song “Mary Did You Know?” There’s absolutely nothing wrong with calling God “The Great I AM,” because He is, but I’ve heard it said that we songwriters have way more influence on people theologically than we think we do, and I totally agree now. It’s sobering to think about.

A song really is a powerful piece of artwork. And we singers are the ones who are crazy enough to face the enemy head-on in the thick of battle. No wonder he hates us and attacks us so fiercely.

Speaking of songwriting (yes, I’ve even made time for that this year), one part of the Bible that has been inspiring me and fascinating me this semester is the Book of Ecclesiastes (again). In class, we learned that the wisdom books of the Bible aren’t a collection of promises; they are a collection of observations that are usually true. Thank heavens! For example:

“The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.” (Proverbs 22:7, NKJV)

If Proverbs 22:7 were a promise, I think I would be doomed to a lifetime of servitude, because I’ve borrowed quite a bit of money. Yes, the debt that I owe has caused me to work so that I can pay it off, but I don’t live under rich people’s thumbs. Actually, when I deliver their dinner, they’re kind of at my mercy. If I don’t show up to their house, they’ll starve. Maniacal laughter!

Similarly:

“Sorrow is better than laughter, for by a sad countenance the heart is made better.” (Ecclesiastes 7:3, NKJV)

Say what?! Is this verse God’s way of promising me that He’s going to ensure that I have more bad times than good times just because the bad times are BETTER for me than the good times?? Um, no. The context of this verse is a collection of similar sayings. King Solomon, the author, is sharing observations that he’s made about how experiencing the harder things in life are better for a person in the long run than just partying like a fool all the time. (In other words, going through hard times will shape you in a way that just being happy all the time won’t. I believe this is what the commentaries say as well.) Solomon was a king who had like 1,000 women, so he knew what he was talking about.

Are all of these observations inspired by God? Yes, of course. Do they contain any errors? No, I don’t believe they do. It’s the Bible. That means it’s perfect.

Family phenomenon

This year, long story short, God showed me that I needed to connect with my mother before she passes away. This past summer, I saw her for the first time in eight and a half years. I visited her at her hospice bed for a short while. I won’t go into details here, but I will say this: Due to her dementia, I was told that she might not know who I am and that she could barely move (due to muscle atrophy). But she knew who I was, and when I said goodbye, she was able to say goodbye back. As I was walking out of the room and waving goodbye, she followed me with her neck and eyes, smiled, raised her hand and arm out of bed, and waved goodbye.

I was not expecting that precious moment to happen this year.

Health phenomenon

I’ve still been monitoring my blood pressure. Due to transitions in health insurance companies, I haven’t seen a doctor or P.A. since this summer, and one of my prescriptions is out of refills, so I’m only taking two medications now. I mostly didn’t have time to exercise while school was in session, but I’ve still been doing my best to follow my low-sodium diet.

I’ve noticed something interesting. Even when I’m following my diet to the letter, my blood pressure is still high when I’m stressed. On the other hand, there have been times when I thought maybe my BP would be high due to my not being able to avoid salty foods (for example, if I attend an event where food is provided and I don’t get to be picky about what I eat), but my BP actually turns out to not be so high.

I think feeling the pressure of adhering to a low-sodium diet stresses me out and, ironically, could be raising my BP. I also think the pressure of having to take my BP three times a day could raise my BP. Ironic.

I think my BP is better when I’m just happy. So, I’ve been kind of trying to balance all of that and just see what happens.

Construction phenomenon

A popular street where I spend a lot of my time driving was repaved recently. I don’t like driving on streets that are in the process of being repaved. After they’ve ripped off the road and left all the awkward grooves underneath, it can be so uncomfortable to drive on. Before I got new tires this year, driving on that type of road-under-construction was downright scary.

It’s interesting to observe what’s underneath, though. After they rip off the drivable part, you can see the lines where the old lanes used to be. Then after they complete the repaving and draw the new lines on the road, you’re relieved to drive on it again because it’s such a smooth ride. It’s built exactly the way a good road is supposed to be.

As I’ve undergone some emotional healing this year, it’s been scary to see the stuff that’s underneath the road of my soul. Are those old lines really where the lanes used to be? For example, I’ve dealt with rejection for most (if not all) of my life, and God has recently begun a new repaving process. Now that that’s been exposed, it’s awkward to proceed with my life as I’ve learned how to let other people accept me, and it’s been shocking to see what’s been underneath that old road.

The other day, a friend of mine from school asked me what I was doing for Christmas and invited me to her house for the holiday. Out of the blue. I thanked her kindly and explained that I have plans for Christmas. Later, I wondered why in the world she would want to hang out with me... and I got to thinking about how being accepted felt so foreign, but being rejected seemed so normal. (It should be the other way around.) I felt strangely vulnerable for the rest of the day. Is that the old road that I’ve been driving on all these years??

Anyway, that’s what I mean. When people say that they’re under construction, they’re not kidding.

Horticultural phenomenon

This summer, I became a crazy plant lady who talks to my plants and names them. I planted beans just for the heck of it. The members of my little bean farm were Sprout, Baby Sprout, White Bean, and Mr. Bean. Sprout is a pinto bean and was the first one to germinate. When it came time for me to tie him to a small plastic rod for some support, I wasn’t gentle enough and accidentally bent his stalk somewhere in the middle. I felt horrible and treated him quite gingerly thereafter. It looked like I accidentally stunted his growth, especially since his peers all outgrew him.

 

But an interesting thing happened. After all the other little beanstalks died off, Sprout survived them all. I think he’s in the last phase of his little plant life, but look at him! He’s still mostly green and is even starting to produce a tiny bit of fruit.

Did my accidental handling of him actually help him?

Similarly, is sorrow really better than laughter? Did the events that should have killed us actually make us stronger? Ecclesiastes 7:3 is definitely onto something.

Vindication phenomenon

A phrase that God gave me for 2019 was “major vindication.” For example, a boss from my old writing job wrote on a performance review, “Tirzah doesn’t think before she writes.” I got pretty angry when I read that, of course, and that particular job ended pretty badly for me. (If you followed my emo blog posts from several years ago, perhaps you remember reading about this.)

However, several months ago, I was hired to do some freelance writing. Somebody actually paid me to write for them. I guess I don’t suck as a writer after all. Hmm. I can get used to God sticking up for me like that.

What’s next?

2019 truly turned out to be a phenomenal year, but I think 2020 will be even better. I had a feeling that I would experience all-new things in 2019, and I have. I wonder now if maybe all of that’s just been setting the stage for something else.

The word that God has given me for my 2020 is “epic.” A phrase that He’s given me for 2020 is “on the edge of your seat.” He’s shown me that major change is coming—for the better. I know I’m going to be living life on the edge of my seat in the coming year, but I don’t think it’s going to be in a bad way. I think it’s going to be in a good way. I think watching my life unfold in 2020 is going to be like watching a good epic film in the movie theater where the bad guys have given the superhero some hard knocks, and maybe they’ve been holding her underwater. Will she make it? The suspense is killing you! And then at the last possible second, she emerges from her underwater prison and kicks all of the bad guys’ butts in one fell swoop. Then the credits begin to roll, and you leap out of your seat in a moment of satisfying triumph. Yesssss! She made it!

Bring it. 

A whirlwind update

Whew! Life has been a crazy whirlwind these past couple of months. There are several updates and, of course, some things that I’ve been processing through. So, instead of giving each element its own blog post (which I usually do), I thought I’d condense them a tiny bit and group them all here.

This post turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would, but it’s the internet. You don’t have to read all of this in one sitting if you don’t want to. But I hope you like pictures, because I’ll be sharing a few. As I usually tell my customers when I deliver their food, “Enjoy!”

It’s a salad

During the first two weeks of June, I did my annual salad fast as usual. For this particular fast, I felt like God showed me that I could define “salad” as different things mixed together in one dish, rather than just lettuce, tomatoes, carrots -- you know, regular “salad” stuff. (Long after my fast, I watched a British cooking show in which the host stated that salad nowadays isn’t just traditional stuff. She showed us how to make a salad out of quinoa and fresh herbs mixed together.)

This definition especially came in handy because my extremely tight budget meant that I didn’t always have traditional salad stuff around. But I did have plenty of spinach and avocados (which I can get messy with, but accidental guacamole in a salad is pretty delicious). I also used fruit, and I used a lot of bread to make homemade croutons (just toast that I sometimes cut with a knife and sometimes just shredded with my hands, because my stomach doesn’t mind). Basically, I just took what I had, mixed it all together, and made the best of it.

Isn’t that what life is like? Isn’t that what God does if we let Him?

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

School and delivery adventures

Earlier this summer, I took a class online so that my schedule could be freed up for work. This was the first time I had ever taken summer school. I’ve heard that summer school can be intense, but it was cool to experience the intensity firsthand. I ended up developing an actual routine: Work at my office job in the morning, make some deliveries at lunchtime, come home and do schoolwork in the afternoon, make more deliveries in the evening, come home and do even more schoolwork before bed, and read for class during deliveries or between deliveries. (And if I had freelance work to edit for a client, I would usually do that instead of making deliveries.)

In my summer school class, we learned that our society has been reading the Bible the wrong way. We tend to just pick out the verses that we like, read them out of context, and think that that’s enough for us. We tend to think that studying and analyzing the Bible and picking it apart is more important than simply reading it, enjoying it, and understanding it in the context that it was originally written -- with the understanding of the original audience that it was originally written for. It’s important to read the Bible first and THEN study it. That way we’ll get to understand God’s HEART better.

So, while I was sitting in parking lots waiting for the delivery app to send me somewhere, or while I was sitting in restaurants waiting for the kitchen to cook customers’ food, I was reading for class and my paradigms were exploding. In a good way.

Another thing about delivering food: I’ve discovered that delivery drivers are kind of at the bottom of the food chain in the restaurant business. I’ve felt talked down to and patronized by restaurant staff and customers in ways that have rattled me a little bit (one time I cried on the way home) but have also challenged me to forgive and walk in grace. And, not to mention, when I’m treated like royalty by restaurant staff or shown tremendous appreciation by customers, it makes it that much sweeter. I’m pretty sure it’s one way in which God has been humbling me, like He humbled the Israelites in the desert when they were learning how to worship Him and depend on Him.

I think it’s also preparation for becoming a pastor. Of course.

 

Also during deliveries, sometimes I’ve gotten to see some cool wildlife or livestock (yes, I’m from Texas, so livestock is cool to me) while I’m either driving or walking around. I’ve also seen horses and llamas (or alpacas?), but I haven’t taken any photos of them yet. I’ve seen some awesome sights like very expensive-looking houses, quaint bridges, and breathtaking avenues saturated with gorgeous trees.

Sometimes when I see something extremely beautiful like that, I’ll say something like, “God, that’s breathtaking” or “That’s gorgeous,” and He’ll respond with something like, “So are you.”

Which kind of transitions into my next section.

Multifaceted health update

The quest to lower my blood pressure has resulted in the doctors prescribing three blood pressure medicines that I now take daily (two in the morning, one at night so that I can sleep through the crazy side effects). The quest to analyze my heart murmur caused the doctors to order a few tests. The stress test showed some abnormalities in my EKGs, but the nuclear stress test (where they injected a tracer into my bloodstream and then took pictures of where the blood was flowing in my heart) showed that my blood vessels don’t have any blockages or any deprivation of oxygen. So, that’s very good news. I also have minor thickening on part of my heart, more than likely due to high blood pressure. I did suspect that there was some damage, but it was good to have it confirmed.

During an echocardiogram, I got to see and hear my heart beating, which was an incredibly awesome experience for me. I mean, you don’t get to do that every day. I got to hear the murmur which, to me, sounds like “Rock and Roll Part 2” (aka “The Hey Song”), so hopefully it’s benign. Or just something cool to brag about. (Hey! My heart beats like that song they play at football games. Ha, ha!)

I’ve continued with my low-sodium diet. I also recently switched to decaf because caffeine can raise your blood pressure. (I did that gradually instead of cold turkey so as to avoid the caffeine-withdrawal migraines.)

Why so much trouble just to take care of my health? It finally hit me one day: Oh! This whole thing is about my HEART... my physical heart and my emotional/spiritual heart. Duh.

I haven’t returned to platform ministry yet. I’ve needed some more time away because I’ve needed some more healing. I won’t go into details here, but there are a few things that I’d like to mention.

One thing that God has spoken to me specifically is that I’ve seen some bad things in the body of Christ -- the Church at large. (And those things have hurt me.) But now He’d like me to see some good things in the body of Christ.

For instance, I think in late April or early May (when it’s rainy in Texas), I couldn’t find one of my umbrellas. It was the umbrella that I would keep in the backseat of my car. I figured that I took it either to church or to my group/study and just forgot it there. I checked with the receptionist at the building where my group/study would meet, but it wasn’t there. I checked with different people at church, and I found out that the security guards take care of the “lost and found.” One Saturday, I had two security guards and about two or three volunteers from the visitor center checking on my umbrella for me. Unfortunately, they couldn’t find one that matched my description, but they spent what I felt was a significant amount of time helping me. Since it had been about a month and a half or so since I had lost it, they said that unfortunately, unclaimed items are donated after about a month. I followed their suggestion and checked at the umbrella holders that were located by each entrance and couldn’t find it there. I figured that it if was donated, maybe somebody got it who needs it more than I do.

 

I went back to my car that evening and looked one more time. I reached WAY back into the floorboard of my backseat... and I discovered that my umbrella had rolled all the way to the bottom of my front seat and had gotten wedged in there! Now I keep it at the floorboard of my front seat so that I’ll always know where it is.

I felt a little silly that my umbrella wasn’t lost after all, but the fact that several people at church dropped what they were doing to help me look for it meant a lot to me. In my church -- a megachurch -- I wasn’t lost in the crowd, and I wasn’t treated like a number. I was treated like a human being who was important enough to help. Even if it was for a silly little thing like an umbrella.

It meant a LOT to me.

I think sometimes it takes a trial for me to get to see stuff like that. Yes, in my past I’ve been hurt by church people -- I’ve been spiritually abused, talked about behind my back, rejected, insulted, manipulated, used, etc. But during the trials that I’ve walked through these past couple of years, I haven’t walked through them alone. Church people have checked on me to make sure that I’m OK. Church people have prayed for me without me asking them to. Church people have generously given me money or given me a truckload of food when I’ve been in need. My pantry is full, I haven’t gotten evicted, and I have some people who I can count on.

It’s hard to hate people who are loving you. It’s hard to be bitter against people who are going out of their way to help you. It’s hard to feel lonely when you know that you’re surrounded by family.

Princess or orphan?

One major thing that God has been teaching me is how to be a princess -- His princess, like the kind in Psalm 45. But I think before officially giving me regal lessons, He’s been parked on letting one specific truth absorb into me as deeply as possible: He adopted me. He’s my Father. I’m His daughter.

God has been in the process of healing my orphan spirit. I’ve received some healing regarding this issue in the past, and I blogged about it several years ago in this post. But I’ve needed to address this issue again, and God and I have been taking our time with it. “Orphans” are basically tough people on the outside who feel like they don’t need anybody because they can’t trust anybody. But on the inside, they’re just wounded little kids. So, I think the main way to heal this way of thinking is simply to develop a close relationship with the only One who can melt the orphan’s heart.

So, God and I have been talking to each other a lot while I’ve been driving around and making food deliveries. One thing I’ve been doing is listening to Brian Doerksen’s album Father’s House in my car every day that I make deliveries. Sometimes I sing along to one of the songs and change the words so that I can sing it to God: “You are my Father / And I will always be Your very own / Here I will find You / Waiting for me / You are my Father / I am Your daughter.” Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I just enjoy the peace and quiet in the midst of the hectic-ness.

The other day, God showed me that I still don’t completely trust Him, and He showed me a picture of a huge mountain -- that was the stronghold. He showed me a small piece of the mountain that He had already chipped away at and that there’s still some work to do. I also got the impression that it isn’t like an “I rebuke you and tear you down in the name of Jesus and presto, change-o, rearrange-o, now you’ve been delivered” kind of stronghold. I think it’s more like something that will take time to chip away at, break apart, and hopefully disintegrate forever.

It seems like this process will take some time, and I’m OK with that. For example, in this season, I’ve had to trust God to provide for me financially. My sources of income are small, and my food delivery job is unpredictable and sometimes unreliable, so I can’t technically depend on my jobs to provide for me. I have to depend on God to help me pay rent every month, even if it’s a few days late. I have to depend on Him to help me pay my growing pile of medical bills. I have to depend on Him to help me pay for my car’s maintenance. I have to depend on Him to help me pay for school.

A good Father provides for His children, right? Sometimes when He comes through for me yet again, He’ll remind me: “Have I ever let you down?” No, Papa, You’ve never let me down.

And the huge mountain cracks a little bit.

The garden

When I finished participating in my group/study for abuse survivors, I was given a small red oak tree. Since I live in an apartment and can’t plant my tree in the ground, I’ve been taking care of it on my balcony. I stopped owning plants shortly after I became a cat person (because Choochie would either eat the leaves or use the planters as litterboxes), so I’ve had to make an effort to learn how to take care of my tree.

 

In the process, something cool ended up happening. When I was growing up, my father had a green thumb, so learning how to garden has kind of awoken something that’s probably been buried in my DNA. (When I was a kid, we used to plant beans and avocados in the soil of our house plants all the time, just for fun and curiosity.) While I was repotting my tree, I ended up planting other things as well. And I’ve made some mistakes, but I hope I’ve been learning from them. I planted some avocados, but the pits had already dried out, so they didn’t germinate. I planted some pinto beans, but I overwatered them and they didn’t germinate, either. I planted a peach tree, and I found out that it could germinate in the spring, so we’ll see what happens. I planted some pinto beans again and have finally seen some new growth. Even my tree sprouted a little offshoot of his own. I typically don’t like to spend time outside, but gardening has been pretty fun so far.

Also in the process, the parts of the Bible that talk about planting seeds, sowing/reaping, pruning, bearing fruit, and gardening or growth in general have new meaning for me. Living things take time to grow. They are fragile, and they require a lot of care, especially if they depend on you for their needs.

But there’s so much joy in the process for the gardener. He doesn’t mind waiting, because He knows that growth is happening -- even if you can’t see it right away.

And sometimes you just gotta wait for results. It’s worth the wait, because you know that you’re growing something that will be sturdy, strong, fruit-bearing, and life-giving for years to come.

Phenomenal adventure

I just finished my first semester of Bible college. I would like for that to sink in for a little bit.

OH, MY GOSH, I’M IN BIBLE COLLEGE!!!

If you’ve followed my blog for the past few years, you know how much I’ve dreamed about this, how much I’ve wanted this, how much I’ve planned (or tried to plan) for this. Remember that empty bookshelf that I cleared off in my home, for the purpose of storing textbooks, in faith, in anticipation of me going back to school?

It’s been put to good use. (Not shown are a couple of books that I already sold to Half Price Books -- along with a few DVDs -- for a pretty good price.)

What a crazy semester it has been! I think I’ve encountered trials and crises in nearly every possible area of my life: financially, physically, emotionally, socially, professionally, mentally, etc. But it has been such an adventure. And I know it’s far from over.

Traditionally, I like to blog around my birthday, so in this particular post I’m probably going to do that annual reflection plus the school reflection plus just a general update on my life. Heh, heh. Because EVERYTHING is different now!

For instance, I wear reading glasses now on top of my regular glasses. (Maybe Jeff Foxworthy would say something like, “You know you’re a redneck in your 40s when...”) I’ve heard people say that they instantly needed reading glasses the day they turned 40. That didn’t happen to me. I gradually started holding things out in front of my face so that I could see them clearly. But exactly one month before I turned 43, I was at church and looked down at my Bible, and I couldn’t hold my Bible in a spot in front of my face where I could read it comfortably. The following Tuesday, I suddenly couldn’t see clearly while I was taking notes in class. That was the last straw.

I drove to Dollar Tree after school and purchased a pair of reading glasses and, voila, homemade bifocals! (I remember seeing a crazy lady on a reality show awhile back wearing homemade bifocals, too, so I think maybe that’s how the idea got in my head.) You can laugh if you want, and sometimes I feel a little silly wearing them, but when I realize that I can SEE, I kind of don’t care how crazy I look. (Wait. Since when have I cared about being crazy?)

But I’ll tell you one thing: I don’t think I ever imagined that at 43 years old, I would be in school full-time while working three part-time jobs. (Yes, you read that right. I think you already knew I was a lunatic.) Life has become quite the adventure indeed!

Want to hear something funny? I’m amazed at how technology has made college so much different than it was in the 1990s. The internet makes it so much faster to research, access, and learn information. But, of course, machines aren’t human beings that can actually understand you. Here’s what the internet thought I said when I was doing a tiny bit of research for a project and spoke “recitatives in oratorios” into my phone:

No, not “Wichita thieves.”

Now for something not-so-funny. Perhaps you remember me writing a couple of months ago about how I’ve been doing what is basically a Bible study for abuse survivors. When I first began participating in this group/study, I was strongly exhorted to take a break from platform ministry for the duration of the group/study due to the emotional intensity of the curriculum. So, I haven’t been singing in the choir or on the Messianic worship team for the past couple of months. (In case you were wondering, YES, I’LL BE BACK! It really is just a short break!!)

So, while I’ve been away from the worship platform, while going to school, while working three different jobs, and taking my blood pressure three times a day, just trying to survive and yet thrive simultaneously, while working through crazy emotional issues, and still seeing my therapist, and just trying to settle in to my new life in general because every possible thing about my life seems to have changed completely... life kind of became surreal. Mostly in a good way. I’ve FINALLY been getting to live out my dream! I’m finally officially, formally preparing to become a worship pastor. In my classes, the professors have said things like, “When you become a worship pastor, here are the types of situations you’ll encounter” or “As a worship pastor, you’ll need to be aware of such-and-such” or “Here’s how you can apply this particular principle in the context of being a worship pastor.” Not IF.

WHEN.

This is really happening! People take me and my dreams seriously. People are intentionally training me to do something that I’ve been wanting to learn how to do. They’re not ignoring me. They’re not blowing me off. They’re not trying to convince me to do something else. They’re willing to equip me with what I need. They’re tailor-making my classes in a way that will allow me to learn very practical skills that I’m going to need to use someday. They’re openly teaching me from their own experiences.

My classmates are just like me. Yes, of course our personalities and our backgrounds are all different, but we all have almost the same goals. We’re all preparing for the ministry. (And so far, we’ve all been artsy-fartsy musicians.) Most of them are about half my age, but I’m not self-conscious about that anymore because they accept me as one of their peers, and vice versa.

I should pinch myself to see if I’m still dreaming.

And yet... life was kind of surreal in a strange way for a while. I was like... What am I? Am I a full-time college student? Am I an office professional? Am I an editor? Am I a food delivery driver? Am I a cardiology patient with old-people blood pressure levels? Am I a worship leader? Am I a worship pastor in training? Am I a songwriter? Am I a crazy cat lady? (Of course, the answer is yes to all of the above.) Not working an 8 to 5 job was weird at first this semester because I had all this free time on my hands during the day after I would finish with class and/or studying at the library (before my schedule got jam-packed). I kind of felt like I was on vacation and was due to go back to work sometime soon.

But that never happened. Thank heavens. I really was pretty restless while I was stuck doing desk work at 8-to-5 jobs that didn’t offer opportunities for professional advancement and that didn’t offer any challenges except for the office politics (or me relearning how to submit to authority, but that’s another story altogether).

So, I gradually and finally settled into my crazy new non-routine routine of life where there is NEVER a dull moment. Even in our nice, quiet library, I can sometimes hear a worship band playing through the walls -- because my school used to be a church building, and now it’s a college campus with a nice auditorium that has a ferocious sound system, and we often host church events in addition to our weekly chapels. So, what do you do when you’re trying to do homework at a library computer and you hear drums pounding and electric guitars whining and vocalists singing through the walls? You adjust. (I saved my video assignments for chapel mornings so that I could watch with my earbuds and concentrate with no problem at all.)

That’s life in the ministry: Stuff comes along unexpectedly, and you just roll with it. You have to. (Especially in worship ministry.) Otherwise, you could be miserable.

Or if you deliver dinner to a customer’s house on a Sunday and the man of the house doesn’t bother to put a shirt on when he answers the door. Or when you’re trying to find somebody’s house in an unfamiliar neighborhood and an Asian lady -- who’s just hanging out outdoors with a wad of chewing tobacco in her mouth -- just randomly waves at you when you drive by. Or when somebody orders four sandwiches and four bags of chips and sends you to a FedEx Office to drop off the delivery and doesn’t show up because it was probably the wrong address, but they don’t answer you when you text them or pick up the phone when you call them, and you end up keeping their food because your delivery service instructs you to throw it away. (I ended up eating the sandwiches except for the sodium-risky cold cuts, and I gave away the chips.)

That’s life in the ministry: People are messy and crazy and unpredictable. (And I wasn’t exactly sure how else to weave those human interest stories into a blog post. I mean, come on. Just put a shirt on.)

“Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” (Psalm 127:1-2)

It’s definitely been an adventure building this house and watching this city with God. It’s definitely been fun watching Him work and getting to join Him.

But it has been insanely crazy in nearly every way imaginable. I’ve been getting about 4-5 hours of sleep a night (sometimes less, but I usually get to sleep in on the weekends), and I’ve been exhausted, and I’ve wondered if I’ve spread myself out too thin or if I’ve been doing everything right. And God has been right there with me. He’s shown me, “The point of this semester is, ‘You can do it.’ ”

Another thing that has helped me keep going is realizing that the craziness is only temporary. It will all eventually end when I graduate. But I know that when it’s all over, I’m really going to miss it.

A lot.

Phenomenal non-coincidences

If you’ll indulge me for a bit, I’d like to spend some time marveling... in a good way.

I don’t think it’s an accident that I’ve had to completely change my diet around the time that I’ve been learning how to cook. I don’t think it’s an accident that I’ve had to learn to live with dietary restrictions around the time that society has been embracing people’s dietary restrictions. (I’m not vegan or glucose-free. I just need to avoid fat, sugar, and salt especially.) Even though I’ve been slowly grieving the loss of my favorite salty, greasy foods -- even though I haven’t really been able to afford to eat them in the past year and a half -- I don’t think it’s an accident that I’ve had to learn to discipline myself to eat better... around the time that God has been disciplining me to eat only certain foods when I fast.

I don’t think it’s an accident that God put it on the hearts of four of my friends to give me free food around the time that I would possibly be too broke to buy food. And now I have more food than I know what to do with. (No worries. My creative juices have been coming up with ideas.)

I don’t think it’s an accident that I happen to live in an area that is teeming with parks and walking trails at a time in my life when I need to exercise more.

I don’t think it’s an accident that I’ve been maneuvering through my current health drama during a season in my life in which I’m not working full-time. I don’t have to worry about calling in sick, taking off work to go to doctor’s appointments, fighting traffic to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy, or even being so stressed on the job that it could possibly kill me.

I don’t think it’s an accident that I’ve been living in a day and age when technology is sophisticated enough to facilitate the flow of my life. Although I much prefer learning in an actual classroom, I don’t think it’s an accident that online classes are available at a time when I need to take them for my degree and when I have the means to do so. Although it’s possible to call a doctor’s office and play phone tag with a healthcare professional, I don’t think it’s an accident that I live in a day and age when I’m able to communicate with medical professionals through a phone app... especially when I’m learning that I’m allergic to the medications that they were prescribing me. And they’re able to instantly call in a prescription for a replacement medication to my pharmacy... who can text me when it’s ready for pickup.

I don’t think it’s an accident that my physical health has been unraveling around the same time that my emotional health has been unraveling, analyzed, and slowly repaired at the roots. I don’t think it’s an accident that I’m surrounded by community everywhere I look, everywhere I go, everywhere I am... during this time when I really need covering.

I don’t think it’s an accident that the lady who prayed for me at the altar (in the balcony) at church yesterday -- when I asked for prayer for the tingly numbness that I’d been experiencing on one side of my body -- had also been dealing with numbness in one of her limbs and, therefore, had extra insight on how to pray for me.

And I certainly don’t think it’s an accident that I only own one cat now, who insists on extended times of affection... even if it means biting my shoulder while purr-mauling my arm. I don’t think it’s an accident that she doesn’t seem to mind that I don’t really have a routine right now... or that she’s flexible enough to give me some alone time when I need it and heal me with her love when I need it. I don’t think it’s an accident that we met each other when we did, and I don’t think it’s an accident that we need each other.

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

“Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.” (Psalm 50:15)

I’ve heard it said that “coincidences are when God chooses to remain anonymous.” I’m sorry, but that’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. If God wanted to be anonymous, why would He go through the trouble of letting people know when He was working in their lives? Why would He go through the trouble of sending Jesus -- who spelled out exactly who He was, is, and will be -- to tell us that we needed Him and to die on the cross for our sins? Why would He spell out in the Bible that He wants us to glorify Him? Why would He want to be glorified at all?

Well, it certainly isn’t because He wants to remain anonymous. It’s because He wants the credit for what He’s done. It’s because He’s God, and He’s the only One who will always be qualified to help us whenever we need help. That’s how He’s designed life to be, that’s the way He likes it, and I hope that that’s how I’ve been living my life.

I hope that I’ve glorified Him in this post, because I see that He’s orchestrated the tiny little details of my life. There’s no way that any of the things that I listed on this post are coincidences, and there’s no way that my God -- who loves me, wants me, and takes impeccably good care of me -- didn’t have a hand in any of them. I’m convinced that He’s made sure that every little detail has intersected in a way that has preserved my life... in a way that has gotten me back on track after I’ve veered off course.

I’ve heard it said that His timing is perfect, and I agree.