What I Learned During the Past Four Months

As I mentioned in my previous post, I needed to get another part-time job so that I could make ends meet. During the interview process, I agreed to work there for at least four months, so I did that and have now moved on. Time to rest! This has been a mighty exhausting ride. I learned some things—and not just in seminary. (OH MY GOSH THE APOSTLE PAUL WAS NOT A GNOSTIC JUST BECAUSE HE WAS MORE SPIRITUAL THAN YOU ARE DOESN'T MEAN HE WAS A GNOSTIC SO JUST GET THAT THOUGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD) What I’d like to do here is share some of the big highlights.

1. God’s grace really can pull you through stuff. I have just lived through one of the most exhausting seasons that I have ever lived through. I would peel myself out of bed in the mornings (after hitting the snooze button multiple times), drive to my day job to work 10-3, then drive to my night job to work 4-9, then drive home and finally take a break, then do grad-school homework, then have a quiet time, and then fall asleep so that I could wake up and do it all over again the next day. In between all of that, I would need to read for my classes. On Saturdays, I would rest. On Sundays, I would do even more homework, try to catch up on reading, and try to do a tiny bit of housework. There wasn’t really much time for adulting or being human. (I took a few days off here and there from my night job, which helped, but it was still rough.)

That was August-October. From June-August, I did all of the above minus the homework, plus an hour and a half of vegging out after I’d get home at night. And I haven’t even mentioned needing to squeeze in some editing work for clients a couple of times. June-August was exhausting, but August-October was exhausting upon exhausting.

But I made it through. The only explanation I have is that God pulled me through. I honestly didn’t think that I’d make it this long with such an insane schedule, but God helped me—every step of the way.

2. A little perspective can go a long way. After years of not being able to read up close, wearing reading glasses over my regular glasses like that crazy lady on a reality TV show, and needing to take my glasses off so that I can read my phone, a very generous friend blessed me with bifocals! They’re very convenient, and I love them.

 

But I couldn’t quite see right away when I first got them. I thought maybe my eyes just needed to get used to them, but then I noticed that if I elevated them a little bit off my nose, I can see much better out of them. So, I grabbed some cotton and stuffed them under the frames one night so that I could see well enough to finish a homework assignment. (I snapped the above photo to document this event.) I got some adhesive nose pads the next day. Turns out, my eyes need to look into a particular part of each lens in order to properly see the world.

I like bifocals. They give me variety. If I look into one lens type, I can see far away. If I look into another lens type, I can see up close. (Trifocals someday will be triple awesome!)

While I was researching the pros and cons of bifocals, I learned that some folks are vehemently against bifocals. One site claimed that bifocals are the cause of elderly people falling, because the lenses cause perspective issues. (Um, I thought the elderly tend to suffer falls because of their vulnerable frame.) A previous nurse practitioner of mine said that she had trouble seeing with bifocals while she was walking down flights of stairs. (OK, so it’s a little blurry, but I can see stairs and my feet moving on them; mission accomplished.) One website said that the best way to see is to actually carry around two types of glasses. (Uh, have you ever tried living a normal life while your reading glasses clunk around in your purse?) Wow. Not sure why bifocals have so many haters. (Sorry, Benjamin Franklin.)

But none of these haters has my perspective. Why? Because none of them is me. In order to understand why my bifocals work for me, they’ll need to look through them with my eyes. In order to understand why someone is or acts a certain way, I’ll need to at least try to imagine what it’s like seeing the world through his or her eyes.

Adjusting your perspective can be a very healthy thing. Or sometimes you just need to adjust your expectations. (I’ve been told this before, but now I’ve experienced how true it is.) If you expect brilliance from someone who has proven himself or herself to be incompetent, you will be frustrated. If you expect compassion and understanding from someone who has never been in your situation, you will be hurt.

You’d think that working for a prayer ministry would make you feel appreciated because you’re helping people, right? Not necessarily.

 

Turns out, praying for people over the phone in a call center isn’t like praying for people at the altar at church. At the altar, people don’t walk up to you and complain about the church. (At least, I hope they don’t.) At the altar, people don’t take twenty minutes to tell you their prayer request, interrupt you while you’re trying to pray, or try to keep you at the altar after you finish praying so that they can shoot the breeze with you. (Do they?) At the altar, the prayer captain doesn’t tap you on the shoulder during your prayer to warn you that you’re taking too much time with someone who needs prayer. (I mean, really.)

 

In all of my various experiences in working at call centers, I’ve learned that people or customers don’t always treat the phone representative like a real person. They tend to be extra rude to that person because he or she is just a voice on the phone. But if you’ll try to imagine phone reps as actual human beings who took call-center jobs because they need the paychecks, maybe you’ll see through their eyes that the experience on the phone is just as unpleasant for them as it is for you.

 

I’ve heard it said—and I agree—that sometimes experiencing something unpleasant is meant to just be filed away in your brain as an example of how to not treat people.

 

 

3. Sometimes I just need to shut up. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been dealing with bitterness. That has gotten better, but the journey hasn’t been pretty. Sometimes thoughts will fly through my head, and I’ll find myself telling people off in my head—and it’s very ugly. I’ll shock myself with what I say in my head, and I’ll hear myself say out loud, “I just need to shut up.” Some things are just better left unsaid...

 

... especially during PMS. Here’s a little list that I wrote for myself one day while I was in the meltdown phase of PMS. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. And there’s a reason for that.

 

 

4. One tough season can prepare you for another tough season. While I was earning my second bachelor’s degree, I worked multiple jobs while I was going to school full-time and participating on multiple worship teams. Even though I was having the time of my life, it was ridiculously exhausting, but God helped me through it, and it helped to remember that school was only temporary.

 

Now I’ve worked multiple jobs while I’ve been going to graduate school part-time online, but I had to take a break from singing on worship teams so that I could work evenings. At my night job in the call center, worship music would constantly play in the background. Sometimes between phone calls, I would hear a song playing that I had sung on the platform with a previous team, or that I learned how to play on the piano while I was in school, and I would miss being on worship teams... and I would try to not cry. (My non-crying attempts weren’t always successful.)

 

God helped me through it, and it helped to remember that my time away from the worship platform was only temporary.

 

During all of that, I needed to hone my time-management and administrative skills, and I needed to dig deep and find some extra stamina. I wonder if there’ll be something in my future that will require all of that, too.

 

 

5. There’s a reason why youth can be despised. In 1 Timothy 4:12 (NKJV), Paul exhorted Timothy, who led the church in Ephesus: “Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity.” (The NLT version of that verse says, “Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young.”) During these past four months, when every single one of my supervisors at all of my jobs were not only younger than I am, but also in a completely different generation that I am, I thought about this verse.

 

I was reminded of what it was like to be that young. During my early 20s, I was told that because I was young, I was very idealistic. That statement hurt me at the time, but in a way it was correct. When you’re young, you tend to do everything by the book. If you do, and if you’re in charge, people will despise you and your immaturity. When you get older, you’ll realize that you simply can’t do everything by the book—when life itself happens to you, it couldn’t care less about any book. It just happens, and you adjust. Situations come along, and you need to adapt or else you won’t make it. 

 

But younger people haven’t necessarily learned this yet. During these past four months, I got treated in ways that made me wonder: Am I reaping all of those immature things that I sowed when I was a young leader in my early 20s? If so, everybody who I knew back then, please accept my sincere apologies.

 

Not everything goes by the book or will follow a rule. People and their situations are organic. They need to breathe. They need your common sense. They need for you to love them.

 

 

6. God really does see you. Just let that sink in a little. He’s nearer than you may think He is.

 

 

7. Waiting can be extremely hard, but if waiting is the right thing to do, it’ll be worth it. I’m saying this in faith. I keep feeling like God says to stay here and wait, so I’ve been waiting. If I’m not ready for what God has for me yet, then I’ll let Him keep molding me until I’m ready... and I’d like to enjoy life while I’m waiting.

 

 

(P.S. OH MY GOSH PAUL WAS NOT A GNOSTIC)

Continued Adventures in Poverty

Here on my blog, I’ve shared the spiritual things that I’ve learned while I was on my annual fasts (salad fasts, soup fasts, etc.). That kind of stopped after 2019 (it’s hard to find time to blog when you’re working and in school), but during those times of eating only certain foods and using what I had available to me, I’ve learned how to improvise in practical ways that continue to help me now.

Except for a few years while I was in my mid-to-late 30s and early 40s, I’ve been broke—so, I've basically been poor for most of my life. During that time, I’ve had to make do with whatever I had. When I was broke in Waco while I was in my 20s, I usually only had around $10 to buy two weeks’ worth of groceries. It was awful, but in times like that, you just grab a couple of cans of tuna and a dozen eggs and use them to make all of your lunches and dinners until your next paycheck.

Although I thankfully have more than $10 now for groceries, I still have to be extremely frugal­—especially now that food costs have skyrocketed. I’ve learned that homemade soups are still a very economic way to eat during the week (even after a fast ends), I’ve almost perfected my personal style of cooking chili (no matter how hot the weather is), and I’ve learned to grin and bear it when all there is to eat for lunch is a peanut butter and banana sandwich (I’ll eat two sandwiches if needed). There was one week when I didn’t have enough money to buy ingredients to make chili, so I decided to buy a bag of rice instead (so I could eat rice and beans that week). There was another week recently when there would have been exactly $0 in my bank account after everything cleared, so I wrote myself a not-so-subtle reminder on my wallet to not touch my debit card until I got paid.

I have two bachelor degrees now. I didn’t think that I would still be living like a starving artist at this point in my life. I think I’m getting too old for this. This post-graduation season reminds me of what my life was like right after I graduated from Baylor. I didn’t have a car, so I walked to and from two part-time jobs. If I remember correctly, after I would walk to a part-time morning job in downtown Waco, I would walk to my steadier part-time job at the TV station that was on the Baylor campus. (A coworker started giving me rides to the downtown Waco job after a while, and I quit that job shortly before the TV station hired me full time.) That was a crazy time in which I got mistaken for a homeless person, I was learning how to write worship songs on my guitar, and I was still extremely involved in church. And since I was very young and idealistic, I was having fun and was thankful for everything. (But life got even more fun after I got a car.)

Now that I just finished another college degree, I’m finding myself in a similar situation. Two of those three part-time jobs that I worked while I was in school have changed (I felt led to quit one of them, and the other one is my editing business which suddenly dried up after the Spring semester), but my rent has gone up a total of about $400 since January, and I don’t have to tell you how expensive gas has gotten. So, I decided to get another part-time job. And—just like I did right after I graduated from Baylor—now I have two part-time jobs. After I work a five-hour shift at my school job, I drive to my second job to work another five-hour shift. (I’m planning to quit the second job when things get going again during the Fall semester or whenever I find full-time work, whichever comes first.) This new setup is exhausting so far, but at least I get to drive through the part of town where you get to pick your own speed limit.

 

I wish I could say that I’m having fun and am thankful for everything—like I was when I was a 21-year-old Baylor grad—but now I’m a crotchety 46-year-old lady who’s having a hard time not being bitter. There was one evening in which I sat down and yelled quite angrily at God about my financial situation because frankly, I’m REALLY tired of being poor, especially after working my tail clean off. But it was good that He gave me a chance to puke out my feelings to Him (as He’s always awesome about doing) before they festered into something worse. And I know deep down inside that He’s going to put me in a better job someday—a job that I’ve spent years training to do.

And, of course, it’s not all about the job. There’s a lot of character that I’m sure God wants to continue to develop in me. There’s still a lot of maturity that I think still needs to happen before I can be fully ready for everything that God has for me. I’ll be a seminary student beginning in August, so there’s still some educational, spiritual, and practical/character training to go. And my second part-time job (I work at a call center at a TV ministry) has been basically giving me some extra ministry training.

So, even though I’ve officially finished going back to school so that I can train to be a worship pastor—which, if you’ve followed this blog over the years, you know has been a longtime dream come true—it seems that I’m still undergoing some training of sorts. I don’t want to despise this season of small beginnings (Zechariah 4:10), even though I feel like I’m living through yet another such season all over again, but I want to learn everything I can while I’m here. And I want to be ready to walk through any door that God wants to open for me.

Yes, I’m probably getting too old for this, but I’m doing this thing, anyway. Y’all know I’m a survivor.

Remembering the party

When I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, I remarked that 2020 and 2021 were like a package deal. I had never thought about it that way, but I think it’s true! 2020 and 2021 were like a package that we didn’t order and that we weren’t expecting, but suddenly it landed on our doorstep, and we had to deal with it.

You know how sometimes we’ll pray near the beginning of a year and ask God to give us a word for the year so that we’ll know what to expect? Or so that we’ll have something to hold on to throughout the year? If you read my post from December 2020, you may remember that my word for 2021 was “party.” I was expecting that to mean that I would have a lot of fun in 2021, and I was expecting simultaneously to die to myself (in the Matthew 16:24 sense of the word).

I did see and experience all of that, now that I think about it. When everything started opening back up again—church and school especially—it did feel like a big party, because we all got to finally see each other again. I got to hang out with people from choir this year, I met a bunch of new people at a different church this year, I got a lot of new editing jobs this year, I got to spend time with friends when they gave me rides this year, and I got to participate in my church’s Christmas musical this year. One big party! Lots of fun!

But there was also a lot that happened in 2021 that I (or we) did NOT expect. The word “party,” which basically means a collection of people, also began to mean to me (I’m not sure that this is in any dictionary) a collection of issues or problems.

At the beginning of 2021 (I think on January 1st?), the electricity went out in my apartment, and I think it foreshadowed the electricity-less horror movie that most of us Texans would experience that February. I believe many of us called it “Snovid” because it was that bad. We couldn’t go to work, we couldn’t go to school, I didn’t want to shower in freezing-cold water, I had to read a textbook by candlelight, and it was 45 degrees in my apartment when I was finally whisked away to a house that had electricity and warm water (that’s how I got to hang out with people from choir). Also, the congregation where I used to sing on some Saturdays suddenly fired/let go of its worship team due to a decrease in finances due to COVID—which later prompted me to apply for a part-time gig at another church where I now sing and play on Sundays (that’s how I met a bunch of new people at a different church.) I thought that my new pet-sitting gig would take off, but it didn’t, but thankfully God provided a way for me to earn money, anyway (that’s how I got a lot of new editing jobs). My car was in the shop from August 11th until November 29th, and I needed to get rides everywhere (that’s how I got to spend time with friends while we were en route to school, work, other places, and back home again).

We all had such high hopes for 2021! But those hopes were dashed to pieces bit by bit as the “party” of issues and problems came at us.

But I think I learned a lot. I did have to die to myself, in a sense, when I had to ask people for rides everywhere. (In fact, when I look back on 2021, this is probably the part that I’ll remember most vividly.) I missed my car, but I missed my independence more than anything else. I suddenly went from being an independent middle-aged woman to a chick who kept asking for rides like some little kid. It was a humbling experience, but I think I learned how to be more resourceful than ever. If someone couldn’t give me a ride, I had to move on to the next person on my mental list. If no one was available, I had to be prepared to hire a Lyft. I also learned that not everyone is as generous or as nice as you think they are. OK, if you can’t give me a ride, fine, but don’t treat me like a problem that needs to be solved. I’m a human being. If you prick me, I bleed.

I found myself needing to work through rejection issues again. I heard people saying “no” an awful lot in 2021—in ways that I didn’t expect to hear. I cried a lot on God’s shoulder, and He showed me that a delayed answer isn’t always a “no.” It might just be a delayed “yes.” There’s no reason to freak out in the meantime.

So, my world getting shaken up in those ways kind of forced me to die to myself. Good things happen when you submit to that process.

Take my car situation, for example. When I (finally) got to pick it up from the shop, and I was waiting for it to be delivered, another customer came into the shop and explained that his wife’s car had been there for two months. (Hmm. That situation seemed oddly familiar.) He wasn’t yelling, but he was calmly wondering what the heck was the holdup, and I couldn’t help but overhear. The shop’s new manager explained that the shop’s staff had been experiencing significant health issues. There had been a recent COVID outbreak. The owner of the shop (who wasn’t there that day) also had been struggling with serious health issues and was about to lose his feet (I presume he’s diabetic). All of this had put the shop ridiculously behind.

For months, while I was waiting for my car to be fixed, people had been telling me that I should pitch a fit at the shop because of the unusually long repair, get my car out of there, and take it somewhere else to get repaired, because I was getting taken advantage of as a single woman.

But God was telling me to wait.

Hmm. I’m glad I listened to Him. Apparently, there was a whole situation happening behind the scenes that no one else knew about.

 

So, the package deal of 2020-2021 was a huge nightmare-collection of stuff that we had to live through. But we made it!

ABBA, one of my favorite groups, released a new album in November (with singles releasing earlier in the year). One of the songs is a remastered version of an older song, but the rest of them are all-new songs! After their 1981 breakup, and despite their ingenious marketing techniques, this new album was a complete surprise to me. Forty years later, their music still sounds the same, and I fell in love with it all over again. I’ve shared a photo of me dancing to my favorite new song from the album.

Someone on YouTube commented that ABBA came back at a time when we needed them the most. I think in a way, that’s true. For me, their music is a fun break from the horrible experiences that we’ve all had these past two years. The fact that we made it through is cause for celebration, right? So, why not dance? I mean, it’s a party.


What about 2022?

Keeping in mind that things don’t always turn out like we think they will, I think my word for 2022 is “settling.” Since I’ve spent the past few years earning a worship music degree, I hope that I’ll be settling into a new job after I graduate. Since I’ll have to move out of my apartment in May (oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that my apartment complex made quite a few of my neighbors move out of their apartments in 2021 for renovations), I’m sure that I’ll be settling into a new home. I hope that my leftover emotions from 2021 will settle as well.

I also feel like we’ll get to see a lot of miracles in 2022. I’m looking forward to that!

You know how 2020 and 2021 unfolded a little bit at a time, in a bad way? I think God has been showing me that (at least for me) 2022 will unfold a little bit at a time, in a good way. I’m looking forward to that, too!