Shmalentine’s Fray

Well, one good thing about being laid off from my job recently is that it’s distracted me from how much I hate Valentine’s Day. (To read my previous opinions, please check out my blog entries “Valentine, Shmalentine” from 4/12/10 and “Singlehood” from 6/30/10.) Yes, God has been healing my heart, restoring my soul, and repairing my spirit, so it has been easier to take VDay with a grain of salt, but if I may speak freely, it still sucks. It’s a “holiday” that I can’t ignore, no matter how hard I’ve tried. I think it’s healthiest to just deal with it head-on and get it over with. Like getting a shot at the doctor. Grr. I hate shots.

I get the impression that people mainly see the point of VDay as giving material things like flowers and candy to their significant others. I see it as a day -- nay, an entire season -- when it’s in my face more than ever that I have no significant other to share the day with. Forget the stupid flowers and candy. You can have them. I’d rather have a man. Hmm. Perhaps I should use a smiley here so the reader won’t think I’m depressed. :) I’m OK. I’m just passionate about this dumb subject. I’m OK with being single. This is a difficult yet very sweet season of life for me. I just don’t like having it thrown in my face that I’m single. I’m not really lonely. I’m angry. OK, another smiley face. :) And an LOL. Yes, even when I’m ticked off, I can have a sense of humor!

It’s been 17 years since I’ve had a significant other to observe VDay with. (I wonder if that’s a record. Where’s Guinness when you need them?) I believe that VDay is a time to celebrate couples’ romantic love. If you don’t have somebody, you’re left out. That’s just the way this particular holiday is set up, in my opinion. There are some who say that you can celebrate how much God loves you and how much you love God. But I think you’re supposed to do that every day. (And if you want a holiday for it, there are already two -- Christmas and Easter.) Then there are some who say that you can celebrate how much you love your children. Again, thank you for the painful reminder that I don’t have children of my own.

For some reason, I’ve noticed that what really ticks me off is when people think I’m with somebody and I’m not. For instance, a few years ago when I was visiting family for Christmas, my dad went to the ER, and my sister and I were debating whether or not to stay in town an extra day to support my mom. One of the well-intentioned nurses gave her two cents and told me I should stay. But I wanted to get home (to my cats). She asked me with a wry grin, “What’s his name?” Look, lady, there’s no man that I’m in a hurry to rush home to. But thank you for the painful reminder! Then this past summer, after a church service was over and I was filing out of the sanctuary with everyone else, I think there was a guy and his family or something sitting next to me, and they entered the aisle, and I offered a lady who was standing in line behind me to go ahead of me. She looked kind of surprised and said, “Oh, I thought you were with him,” and gave me this pursed-lips look -- the same one that one of my aunts gave me when she first met my brother-in-law and thought he was married to me. Um, no, BUT THANK YOU FOR THE PAINFUL REMINDER that I am not with anybody!

Sigh. OK, Tirzah, breathe. Don’t punch anybody in the face today. Ahem. Smiley. :) So, basically, that’s what VDay is for me -- a painful reminder. Not gonna sugarcoat it. You know who else didn’t sugarcoat pain? The psalmists of the Bible, including David. You know what he says in Psalm 62:8? Pour out your heart to God, because He’s a refuge. That’s the safest place to take pain -- to God. He’s the One who fixes it. Incidentally, if you’ve heard me talk about how God set me free from depression, that was one of the main things He taught me -- to keep the flow going. (Gonna use arrows now.) Pour out your heart to God --> receive His love --> pour it out --> receive His love. That way, the pain doesn’t stagnate and fester, which was a very unhealthy thing I allowed to happen in the past.

In my opinion, VDay highlights or even causes a pain that is pretty much inconsolable, except for the God of all comfort. In my journey, I’ve found that kind, encouraging words don’t really help. In terms of coping, just agreeing with me that VDay sucks and/or getting my mind off it with something funny is pretty much the only thing that helps. But in my opinion, the most helpful and effective way of dealing with the VDay-related pain is to just pour it out to God, have a really good cry, and let the God of all comfort hold you while you pour it all out. VDay is a painful reminder of the rejection and the temptation to believe that there is something wrong with me. (Psalm 139 says there isn’t anything wrong with me, and my soul knows it very well.) I need Him to remind me of who I really am. I believe that because I know Jesus, I belong to God. I belong with Him. John 14:23 says that the Father and Jesus make Their home with me. So, after time passes and I actually get a significant other, will VDay still suck? Maybe, but hopefully not. In the future, if I get married, will God the Father and Jesus still make Their home with me? Heck yes, and I need Them to stay as close to me as possible for the rest of my life. (That goes for the Holy Spirit, too. :)) Will I still be OK, even if I never get married? If God is with me, then yes. I don’t want to do anything without Him, anyway (including remaining single involuntarily). :)

Speaking of who I belong to, the above photo is a snapshot of me taking Isaiah 44:5 literally, just for the fun of it. I am the Lord’s. :) And as my purring cat perches on me while I type this, I’m reminded of how I had to take her to the vet today to get her annual shots. Grr. She hates shots, too. It hurts her, and going to the vet’s office once a year makes her very uncomfortable. But today, after several days of psyching her up for the visit, it seemed very helpful and effective to take her out of the pet carrier and hold her close to me when it was time for her examination. I even danced a little bit with her while we were waiting for the doctor. After she received her shots, I held her close to me again. If we weren’t in a public place, I would have sung to her. Hmm. I should try that next year. :) :) Double smileys! And Tirzah is no longer angry. Ha! Much better than flowers and candy.

Equilibrium: The Sequel

Slippery winter weather inspired me to write about equilibrium again. (For reference, please see my blog entry from 12/14/10.) For now, at least between my home and my job, the roads are mostly dry and travelable. However, many of the sidewalks and parking lots are not. Last night after work, while I was carefully walking from my car to my apartment on some iced-over grass, I fell on my knee. It smarted at first, but my thermals cushioned the fall nicely. This morning on the way to work, while I was carefully walking from my apartment to my car, I fell on the side of my butt. It still smarts a tiny bit, but not badly. Actually, the second fall happened barely a few feet away from the original fall, and I’m pretty sure I exclaimed, “Not again!” on my way down.

After I got to work and removed my gloves, I noticed a bruise on the palm of my hand. It’s almost an inch long; you can see me displaying it in the picture above. I’m guessing my hand thwacked on the icy pavement during my fall, because I don’t remember it hurting at first. If I push on it really hard, it hurts, but otherwise it doesn’t bother me at all. What bothers me is that every time I look at it, I’m reminded, “Dang, I fell! Crap, I fell! Aw, man, I can’t believe I fell!” And it’s on the palm of my hand, so it’s not like I can easily avoid looking at it throughout the day. I don’t even think I’ve got bruises on my knee or butt, but this hand bruise -- which is really like an innocent bystander in this whole thing -- is frequently reminding me of something I’d like to forget.

I’m reminded yet again of Psalm 145:14 -- God upholds ALL those who fall and lifts up ALL who are bowed down. We live in a fallen world. As a Christian, I don’t belong to it, but there’s slippery ice -- metaphorically speaking -- all around me. There are so many opportunities in my walk with Christ to get distracted by something and fall. Sometimes, I’m walking along as carefully as I can, things are going just fine, but I mess up, anyway. I don’t want to, but sometimes it happens. And sometimes, I beat myself up for it, staring at the bruise on my hand and going, “Dang, I fell! Crap, I fell! Aw, man, I can’t believe I fell!”

I understand now why my church emphasizes keeping your focus on God and His Kingdom instead of on sin and demonic stuff. I think for most of my Christian life, I’ve been taught, “Don’t sin! Don’t sin! Don’t sin! Aw, look at you! Now you’ve sinned!” Um, hello, that’s because my focus was on the sin. LOL! I’m pretty sure God wants to teach us instead, “You live in My house now. Stick with Me. Eat all you want from My banqueting table. Drink as much as you want from My river of pleasure. Enjoy!”

Psalm 3:3 says that God is my shield and the lifter of my head. He’s the One who basically says, “Yes, you fell, but repent and get up. Don’t be ashamed. Hey, look up at Me. I’m right here. I’ll help you up. Keep going. Keep walking.” I follow Jesus. He’s my Big Brother who’s walked ahead of me and knows how to avoid the slippery places. He’ll show me where to step. He’ll show me where to walk. He’ll show me how slowly or how quickly I should go. If I fall, He’ll pick me up, dust me off, let me cry on His shoulder, and fix my bruises. He encourages me, leads me, and teaches me. I need Him! I love Him!

Speaking of learning, I did feel myself get a bit dizzy yesterday and today (not ice-fall related) because of cold-weather sinus stuff. Not wanting to repeat my 2010 vertigo insanity, I popped a few decongestants. Not again! :)