Sparky Friendship!

I realize that I may offend people by what I say in this post, but if that needs to happen, I’m not afraid of it. Hey, it’s Windowbrawl! I’ve got something to say, so I’m just gonna go for it.

Proverbs 27:17 (NKJV) says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” People get warm fuzzies from that verse. Awww, my friend. I love friendship. But do you know what happens when iron sharpens iron? Sparks fly. Clang, clang, clang, bzzzt, bzzzt, bzzzt! Hear that? That’s the sound of conflict. I’m not the first writer to make this observation. I looked online to try to find an official psychological study or something, but I couldn’t find anything that supported my real-life findings. So, I would like to give you my perspective on sparky friendship.

I consider myself a detail-oriented, friendship-oriented person, but I haven’t always been this way. I was very antisocial as a preteen (I was afraid of people, I didn’t know how to interact with people, and I tried to avoid other human beings whenever possible), so these observations on friendship that I’m sharing with you now have mostly occurred in my 20s and 30s. And it’s just an analysis. People are neither objects nor machines. They’re beautifully unpredictable, and I think friendships develop the best when they happen naturally. I’ve discovered that some people like it when friendships develop quickly, and other people like it when friendships take a very long time to develop. I think I fall somewhere in between. I usually like friendship to develop quickly, but I prefer it when both parties in the friendship stick around long enough to make the friendship work.

1) During the beginning stage of a friendship, there are usually warm fuzzies. “Awww, my new friend. I love my new friend.” 2) Then comes the iron-sharpening stage -- the conflict stage. “Hey, you hurt my feelings. Oh, yeah? Well, you hurt my feelings, too.” I think this stage is pretty crucial, because one or both parties may decide to leave the friendship or just let it die. And that’s a perfectly legitimate, perfectly OK thing to do. I’ve learned in the past year or so that friendship is voluntary. (Yes, for some weird reason, I didn’t even know that it was supposed to be voluntary. Long story. And I’ll talk more about this later.) 3) And then there’s the countenance-sharpening stage -- the post-conflict stage. “Hey, I’m glad we worked through this. I know you a lot better now.” Have you ever seen a couple of friends give each other this knowing, inside-joke kind of look? I believe it’s because they’ve sharpened each other’s countenances. They’ve been through stuff together, and they’re starting to understand each other. They’ve helped each other through some things. Proverbs 27:9 (NIV) says, “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.” In my opinion, that’s what friends do. They love each other, enjoy each other’s company, help each other, and give each other advice. 4) Finally, there’s the deep-friendship cultivation stage. “I love you as my friend, and I want to be friends with you forever.” In my opinion, this is the most delicate stage, because it’s the one where the entire friendship can be taken for granted. What do you do when you’re trying to grow a plant? You water it, you give it sunlight, and you give it plant food. But if you stop feeding and nurturing it, it could die. Friendships can die in this stage, even after surviving the conflict stage. Is this friendship worth it to you? is it something you want to keep? If so, then feed it. Nurture it. Take the time to care for it. I also think these 4 stages (warm fuzzies → iron-sharpening → countenance-sharpening → deep cultivation) can be repeated in cycles the longer a friendship exists. I also believe a friendship can die during any of these stages. And it’s just an analysis. If you and your friend haven’t gone through all 4 of these stages in order, it certainly doesn’t mean your friendship isn’t legit. Perhaps it’s just beautifully unpredictable.

Going back to the “friendship is voluntary” concept, sometimes you might meet somebody who is unhealthy to have in your life. This is also something I’ve learned recently. If somebody treats me like crap, I don’t have to be their friend. God wants me to love them and be at peace with them, and they might even be my brother or sister in Christ. But if they’re abusive, I certainly don’t need to nurture any kind of friendship with them. Do I believe in second chances? Sure. I’ve totally messed up in my past, too. But I think I choose my friends more cautiously now than I used to (see Proverbs 12:26).

I hope you understand that I’m talking about platonic friendship. Non-sexual, non-weird friendships can go deep and last for a lifetime. One Bible verse that I believe has been misquoted big-time is 2 Samuel 1:26, when David mourns for his deceased friend Jonathan. (I think in modern-day terms, we’d call them BFFs.) David says, “Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women.” David and Jonathan were not gay. (To read what I believe about homosexuality, please see my blog entry “Disagreeing with Miley Cyrus” from 4/29/09.) They had a pure, holy friendship. If my friend Liz (if you’re reading this, Ih. :D) were to toast me at my wedding and say, “Tirzah, your love for me is more wonderful than that of men,” I’d probably smile and say, “Right back at ya, chickie.” She wouldn’t be flirting with me. She’d be saying, “Hey, you and I have been through some real stuff together. Iron sharpened iron. Sparks flew. We’ve really gotten to know each other’s hearts. I appreciate your love and your friendship.”

I’ll tell you whose love and friendship I appreciate more than anyone else’s. In John 15:13 (NIV), Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Jesus wanted to be my friend before I ever even knew Him. He lay down His life for me. He died in my place, taking the penalty of my sin on Himself. This was the only way for me to be saved from hell, it was the only way for me to be reconciled to my Father, and it was the only way that He and I could be close friends. Yet He gave His life for me voluntarily. For the record, I consider Jesus to be my Best Friend. The One who will never leave me or forsake me? my Refuge? my Comforter? Yep, He’s the Best. :)

Yeah, that’s right. Clang, clang, clang, bzzzt, bzzzt, bzzzt!