What happens when church becomes unsafe?

Are you disgusted? Good. You're in the perfect mood to read this really long post.

This disgusting photo is a picture of my shower after mildew grew in it for a few months. Unfortunately, I let it become so disgusting for several reasons. It's an isolated shower; I live by myself, so I'm the only one who uses it. I can't see a thing without contact lenses or glasses, so it took a while for me to realize how disgusting it had become. And for a long time, I was too busy with other things to actually make time to address the mildew problem.

Meanwhile, I discovered how ironic it was to get clean in an environment that was so dirty. I kind of became an expert at stepping around the mildewy spots. Dropping my soap was extra terrible because it would, of course, pick up mildew on contact, and the only readily available way to clean it off was to scrape off the mildew with my thumbnail. What a gross, terrible way to live! How clean was I really getting?

A few months ago, I briefly mentioned a disgusting topic in a blog post: spiritual abuse. I think I was fairly polite in that post. Warning: In this post, I'm not going to be very polite. My intention isn't to harm, shame, or condemn anyone. My intention is to help people. My intention is to shine a really bright light on a really heavy burden that some overly polite people have been carrying, and it's been crippling them like it crippled me. So, if you're one of those people, and especially if you've been afraid to speak up, please take courage. I would love to speak up for you, but I would love it even more if the information in this post were to become a launching pad for God to set you free from anything that you feel may have been imprisoning you, or for God to help you finally put your finger on something that's been bugging you for a while. Not all churches are unsafe, and not all unsafe environments are completely devoid of God moving in the lives of the people there. God can move anywhere He wants to move, and He can change anyone who will let Him. But He hates it when His people get hurt.

"Again Jesus said, 'Simon son of John, do you truly love Me?' He answered, 'Yes, Lord, You know that I love You.' Jesus said, 'Take care of My sheep.'" (This is part of the dialogue between Jesus and Peter in John 21:16.)

"Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers -- not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (This is Peter writing in 1 Peter 5:2-3.)

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to." (This is part of Jesus' chapter-long rebuking of the Pharisees in Matthew 23:13.)

"The word of the Lord came to me: 'Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: "This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally."'" (Ezekiel 34:1-4)

I first heard of the concept of spiritual abuse last summer, and I learned more about it when I took a class at church, where I learned about a book that's taught me a ton about it. The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen defines and explains spiritual abuse much better than I can, but I can tell you about it from my experience and understanding. I'm only about halfway finished reading the abovementioned book (it's a very heavy read), but it's been life-changing and extremely helpful so far. There are other books and resources out there on spiritual abuse, but this is the one with which I'm becoming familiar.

In a nutshell, spiritual abuse (also called spiritual rape) is, of course, abusing a person spiritually. It's someone in spiritual authority taking advantage of a person and manipulating them into furthering a spiritual agenda. It's neglecting to help someone who seeks out spiritual help. It's shaming someone while they are seeking out spiritual help. It's making someone feel as if they're sinning, when they're really not. It's twisting Scripture to one's own advantage, and then usually making someone feel like they're not as spiritual as you are, and running over them. It's being a legalistic Pharisee. It's someone in spiritual authority being so insecure that they try to control people spiritually and basically be God.

I was spiritually abused for years. I was in a spiritually abusive environment for so long that I ended up transferring to another spiritually abusive environment when I'd move to another church. Certainly not all of the churches I've ever attended were spiritually abusive, and that's totally God's mercy. I've been on a journey of discovering how abused I was. And I'm learning that abused people often become abusers, partially because it's what they've known.

I used to spiritually abuse people. I used to be a Pharisee. Some of those Bible verses that I quoted above haunt me. In college especially, I put myself on a pedestal, and I hurt people. Some of these people won't talk to me anymore, and I don't blame them. I worshiped evangelism and missions. It was when I was in a missionary school that I tried to commit suicide. Remember that photo of my disgusting shower? The previously mentioned book observes that one characteristic of spiritually abused people is a lack of life skills. Yes, I'm 35 years old, and I'm still learning how to clean house.

Getting free from spiritual abuse has become a very big deal to me. I'm finally understanding why some of my friends mistreated me and why other friends stopped following God after leaving our church environment. (While I was severely depressed, I also was considering not being a Christian anymore.) From my perspective, many of my past friends and I were in an environment where the entire church was on a track. The track wasn't pointing us to Jesus and showing us how to become the people that God designed us to be; it was insisting that we be as spiritual as possible and follow as many rules as possible so that we could feed into the church projects. If that sounds vague, it's because I don't want to mention any names on this public forum. But I would like to share with you some examples of abusive statements that I've heard throughout the years from preachers, church leaders, etc. Some of the bolded statements below are exact quotes, and some are paraphrases. I will follow each past statement with my present-day response.

God would never tell you to watch a movie.
Really? There are lots of movies that share the gospel. Would you object to Him telling me to watch those movies? Also, there are lots of regular, everyday, healthy things that I enjoy in my life that aren't explicitly, specifically mentioned by name in the Bible. Are you also suggesting that God would never tell me to put artificial lenses in my eyes (contacts), stand under a manmade waterfall (take a shower), operate a two-ton machine (car), or play a six-stringed instrument (guitar)? And speaking of entertainment...

Let your entertainment dovetail into evangelism or edification.
Yes, there are some overtly terrible forms of entertainment out there such as pornography, soap operas, and horror movies. That's honestly another topic of discussion altogether, because there are definitely some things in general that should be avoided. But you're saying that I can only participate in entertainment if I'm using it to share my faith with somebody or edify (build up or encourage) myself? You're saying that I'm not allowed to enjoy a healthy, rated-G work of art just for the sake of unraveling my brain -- even on my Sabbath, when I'm supposed to be resting? You're saying that all of my spare time needs to be spent on sharing the gospel? You're saying that all I'm good for is God "using" me to win converts? Yes, it is true that I need to share my faith. Jesus commanded me to do so. But wouldn't you say that I need to follow His way of doing it -- in the context of me being myself, the way He designed and redeemed me to be -- instead of your way? For instance...

If you're a Christian, you should want to be a missionary unless God calls you to do something else.
I'm sorry, but my Bible doesn't have that listed as the Eleventh Commandment. I'm curious if you've ever rebuked your financial supporters for not quitting their jobs to become missionaries. You're saying that the vast majority of Christians should become missionaries while only a teeny-tiny group of non-missionary people write monthly checks for your financial support? How much worse could this missionary thing sound?

If you want to be a missionary, you should practice here in the United States by winning at least one person to the Lord every six months.
Oh. Yeah, this is worse. You're saying I should completely forget the fact that we get saved by grace as an act of our FREE WILL of accepting Jesus as our Savior? Yeah, that's right. You can't force people to accept Christ. You can't guarantee that at least one person every six months will choose to accept Christ as an act of their FREE WILL. You can share truth with people, you can share the gospel with people, and you can pray for them (and God wants us to do these things!), but you can't make up their minds for them. In my past as a spiritual abuser/Pharisee, I would manipulate people into praying salvation prayers. This is heartbreaking. I wish I could track down these people and apologize to them.

If all it took for somebody to get saved was pray a prayer, I'd stand on the corner of the busiest intersection in town with a gun and make people pray the prayer.
Hmm. This statement doesn't make me feel any better. I'll try sarcasm: Yeah, that'll show people that you love them -- pointing a gun at them to scare them into heaven.

God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
I really wish you had qualified this statement for me. Yes, it's absolutely true that God allows trials to come into our lives so that He can build character in us and make us more like Jesus. But He's also the God of all comfort. If you're hurting, He wants to comfort you. He created you to be a person who has feelings, opinions, and a brain. If you're a healthy person who has healthy boundaries, you're not afraid of saying something like, "That makes me uncomfortable." Do you know who truly isn't interested in your comfort? Abusers. That reminds me...

[Me]  So-and-so has been violating me in the church youth room. Help.
[Pastor's wife] Don't tell the pastor. He has a big mouth.
Have you ever read that verse in the Bible where Jesus said that if you make a little one stumble, it would be better for you if a millstone were tied around your neck and you were cast into the midst of the sea (Luke 17:2)? Perhaps I'm quoting it out of context, or perhaps it totally applies here. I'll let you decide. Also, this particular example may actually be emotional abuse (rather than spiritual abuse), but I think different types of abuses morph together sometimes into one disgusting mildew spot.

[Shouted to a college student during a disagreement about spiritual matters] Children, obey your parents!
Perhaps you don't realize that the "child" in question is at least 18 years old and has a mind of her own. Barking at her to get her to agree with you probably won't endear her to you. Also, if you're going to partially quote Ephesians 6:1, to be fair, perhaps you should also invite the "child" to partially quote verse 4: Do not exasperate your children!

Yeah, we knew that the person who was discipling you had problems with codependence. But instead of warning you about it, we let this person keep discipling you. Now we get to visit you in the psychiatric hospital.
Have I ever told you that I have issues with pastoral neglect? If you're a church leader whose job it is to look after people, please remember that I'm a sheep who, at the end of the day, belongs to Jesus the Great Shepherd. I know that I'm more important to Him than I am to you (and I always will be), but could you please at least try a teeny-tiny bit to have my back?

So, I hope you get the idea that spiritual abuse, whether it happens on purpose or accidentally, is an extremely terrible thing. Jesus wants His people to be cared for, not harmed. But there's good news. Mildewy showers can become clean. Jesus is the Healer who can set free anyone who will let Him.

Healing from spiritual abuse/Phariseeism/legalism/holier-than-thou-religiosity can take a while. Squeezing out the leaven of the Pharisees can be a very long, grueling, task. But it's worth it. I'm worth it. You're worth it. People are worth it.

If you're in the ministry or are simply involved in a church, I would like to offer you some red flags that were in my own life and/or that I've observed from the lives of other people. Here are some indications that you could become spiritually abusive if you don't let God heal your heart.

1) Behind their backs, you make fun of the people you oversee. I don't think mocking people is what Jesus had in mind when He commanded me to love people. I'm not perfect. What right do I have to pick on somebody? I know I don't appreciate it when people do that to me.

2) You quote preachers' sermons more than you do the Bible. It certainly isn't wrong to quote other people's sermons. But I don't remember Jesus saying that He wanted me to simply regurgitate other people's insights or opinions. He wants me to have a relationship with Him and receive revelation directly from God. He wants me to be salt and light. He wants me to live a life that other people can point to and say, "She knows God, and it shows."

3) You believe that God wants you to clone yourself. I know we're supposed to make disciples and spiritually reproduce ourselves, but I don't think there's a big photocopy machine in heaven. God doesn't want robots. He wants people who have personalities, passions, and interests, and I believe that He wants Jesus to be at the center of my personality, passions, interests, and every nook and cranny of my life.

4) When something in a church setting bothers you, you stuff it down and pretend that it doesn't bother you. I'm not saying that it's OK for me to scream my displeasure at the top of my lungs during a church service. Church meetings are supposed to happen in an orderly fashion. I'm saying that if I don't acknowledge my feelings, especially when something's wrong, there's a strong chance that I won't let other people acknowledge their own feelings when they notice that something's wrong. Church is supposed to be a safe place. God gave us feelings, emotions, and instincts to warn us of a potentially unsafe presence.

By "church," I definitely mean the people that are in the body of Christ, and I also mean actual buildings where the body of Christ gathers. I'm not saying that the Holy Spirit won't sometimes prompt His people to do dangerous things like preach the gospel in a foreign country where Christianity is illegal. I'm saying that Jesus is a Shepherd Who's serious about making sure that His sheep are in good, safe hands.

Below is a photo of my shower after one and a half rounds of Tilex and a new liner. It isn't perfectly shiny, and I still need to do more cleaning and scrubbing. But it's much better and less gross. I think I'm really getting clean now! Is there mildew in your shower? Please put on a good pair of glasses and check it out. Let Jesus clean the disgustingness from your shower, like He's done for me and is still doing for me. There's no shame in letting Him roll up His sleeves and scrub the tiles to a new, clean shine.