The good kind of abortion

I think I need to offer all sorts of disclaimers for this post. Firstly, I would like to say that God has been using all kinds of methods that seem extremely unorthodox -- at least, to me they do -- in my emotional healing/restructuring. I am not a licensed counselor or therapist. I am not an ordained minister. I've just noticed that sharing my story and my journey -- especially the weird, embarrassing parts -- has helped a few people. I would simply like to encourage you, reader, that if you feel that God wants to do some extremely unorthodox emotional healing with you, too, please go for it, as long as it's God doing it, and as long as it's biblical. I'll share more about the biblical part later.

Secondly, perhaps I should also clarify that I've never done anything that would require me to, uh, consider having an abortion. (Because I believe that life begins at conception.) For the purpose of this post, I have no intention whatsoever of sparking any kind of political debate, but I will state briefly and bluntly what my position is on the abortion issue. I believe that abortion is wrong, it's murder, and it offends me severely that my tax dollars pay for other women's procedures. In general, I also believe that abortion is wrong in extenuating circumstances -- including incest, rape, and situations in which the mother's life is in danger -- but my understanding is that those extremely traumatic, delicate situations don't occur nearly as often as abortion on demand occurs. However, having said all that, I also believe that women who have had abortions (and the men who have supported their choice to proceed with the abortions) don't have to carry any guilt with them around anymore. If you're reading this and you've had an abortion, God wants to heal your heart, and He wants to restore your soul. He has a neverending supply of forgiveness, grace, and love available for you. I don't want to offend you or verbally slap you in the face. I don't want to be insensitive to anything that you've gone through. I just want to set the stage for what I'm about to do in this post.

What I'm going to do in this post is use abortion in a metaphorical sense. So, I might get extremely, morbidly graphic.

"At Your rebuke, O God of Jacob, both the chariot and horse were cast into a dead sleep." (Psalm 76:6)

Recently, while I was minding my own business and trying to live life in my daily routine, my thoughts began to boil as they often do when I get lonely and/or am simply trying to process a wound. The thoughts intensified, as they often do, and I kept plugging away with my day. But it became increasingly difficult to concentrate as the pain boiled through my mind and scraped across my throat and chest. My mind went to places that I had gotten used to it going, but this time it was going farther, and it wasn't stopping, and it wasn't getting any better. The emotional pain was beyond acute. Because I wasn't in a place where I could literally cry out loud, I cried out to God on the inside. I think I panted quietly, too. But what I knew for sure is that it was torture, and I wasn't sure I was mentally well. I began to obsess on how people hadn't been there for me and how offended I was. My memory of this episode is a tiny bit fuzzy, so I'm not completely sure if I was doing everything the right way -- whether I was going through the forgiveness process correctly or going through the correct procedure of quieting myself with "God, what do you think of that?"

No, it had gotten way beyond that point. I think perhaps steam was emanating from my ears. If anyone had been near me, I possibly would have scratched their skin off. I was in terrible emotional pain, and I didn't know how much more I could stand. If God wouldn't come through for me, no one would. I began to wonder if I should probably commit myself. Maybe I needed professional help. Isn't that what I needed -- a support group? Or at least a prescription for some drugs that would cool down my mind? Yes! Please, some drugs? Drugs?!? DRUGS!!! PSYCH HOSPITAL!!!! I MUST COMMIT MYSELF TO A--

And then suddenly, I noticed that I had complete, total, inexplicable peace -- emotionally and even physically. I breathed more easily, and I was like, "Lord, what happened?" And He replied, "You just had a spiritual abortion."

And that verse that I quoted above from Psalm 76 came to mind. And I started thinking about how some people talk about giving birth to things in the Spirit. (I guess they mean like God birthing a dream through you, but maybe they also mean like Galatians 5 gifts of the Spirit.) And I started thinking about spiritual birth pangs and physical birth pangs, and I remembered an interesting little verse in the Bible that makes you go, "WHAT THE EFFING CRAP IS THIS VERSE DOING IN THE BIBLE???"

"O daughter of Babylon, who are to be destroyed, happy the one who repays you as you have served us! Happy the one who takes and dashes your little ones against the rock!" (Psalm 137:8-9)

I know, right? I wonder how many of the biblical psalmists were deathmetal/emo/punkrockers. Anyway, I also started thinking about the abortion doctor's court case that has been on the news, and I started thinking about a couple of the abortion procedures that exist today. The doctor who recently made headlines, from what I understand from the articles, performed abortions by snipping the babies' spinal columns in half. And I started thinking about another procedure that destroys the baby with a saline solution. Saline… salt… grace. (See Colossians 4:6.) In His grace -- and also perhaps with His grace -- God performed a spiritual abortion on me.

I don't know, uh, exactly how to translate this into words -- because this vagueness downloaded pretty quickly -- so I don't know, uh, exactly what I had done with darkness to become impregnated with what seemed to be a mental illness in its infancy. Maybe it was unforgiveness? Maybe stubbornness? I don't know exactly, and I truly don't want to go back there. I mean, eww. But I know for sure that I heard my Father's voice. Under His spiritual covering, He protected me, He brought me back to where I needed to be, and He took care of everything. Regarding the aborted spiritual baby, my Father told me with a tone in His voice that I hope I never forget: "I killed it." I heard a grin, and I heard a proud Papa who had just gone hunting and had just used His big gun to kill something big for His little girl.

As I wrapped up my daily routine, I was amazed at how lighter and smoother I felt. The colors in the air looked sharper. The lining of my brain felt cooler. I had much better control over my thoughts.

Even more recently, I went into spiritual labor again and recognized more quickly that some kind of something had been growing inside me and needed to be snipped to death in its spinal column. So, I asked God to perform another spiritual abortion if that's what I needed. The same thing happened, but this time the entire ordeal was over much more quickly. And I felt stronger afterwards.

By the way -- God's peace, which surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7), is addicting. It's like crack. I think God's peace is probably the best, most addicting, most legal, most sanctifying drug ever.

In the WTF verse that I quoted above, from what I understand, Psalm 137 is talking metaphorically. Or maybe it's also literal. Maybe there were real rock-dashing baby massacres happening during biblical times. Or maybe the psalmist was being emo. But from what I understand, Babylon in this particular psalm symbolizes evil. I think these verses in this particular psalm are saying, in a nutshell, to nip evil in the bud. I think it's saying that if your mind, your heart, and your gut take you places inside yourself quicker than you can take your thoughts captive, quicker than you can say "Pass the straightjacket," and it weighs you down in a way that makes you feel like an exhausted mama who's about to rip somebody's head off unless she gets an epidural, smash that baby against the Rock. The Rock's name is Jesus, by the way:

"Tirzah will always be destined to live her life in a mental institution. Waaaaah!" "No, she has the mind of Christ." SMASH! Flatline.

"Tirzah will never be able to forgive all of the ways she's been hurt, because her hurts have been too many to mention. Waaaaah!" "No, Jesus has forgiven her for way worse stuff, and He'll show her how it's done." SMASH! Flatline.

"Tirzah will never, ever, ever matter to anyone. WAAAAAH!" "Wow, that's a ten-pounder. But she's always, always, always going to matter to the Fairest of Ten Thousand." BIG SMASH! Big flatline.

Truthfully, Tirzah is a scarily deep well that has had freakishly funky things floating around inside her for several decades. She's also learning firsthand that people who were neglected as children -- even neglected emotionally -- probably learned how to store things inside that need to be spewed out. "Mommy, that person hurt my feelings." "Oh, they're just jealous of you. They're ugly. They're stupid. Just ignore them." Feelings invalidated. Heart hardened. Unforgiveness conceived.

At any rate, whatever had been growing inside me spritually… well, my Daddy reached inside my spiritual womb and killed that puppy. And it was all biblical. And I daresay it was His pleasure.