During the past year or so while Macho's health has experienced
multiple incidents, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. (I can only
imagine how Macho has felt.) He couldn't pee; he peed too much and too often
and in the wrong places. He pooped normally; he pooped diarrhea. He grew a tiny
little bump on his belly that went away; he grew huge, scary-looking scabs all
over his belly that are stumping the vet. He was so weak because he wouldn't
eat, and he couldn't meow; he was so strong that he bit me and broke the skin
while I was administering his antibiotic.
One minute, he's a sickly little 6.75-pound elderly cat who visits the
litterbox to pee almost literally 20 times in one hour. The next minute, he's a
strapping-virile swashbuckler cat who bullies my petite girl cat out of her
napping spot.
Look at him. Does he look sick to you? The other day, I heard a loud
thud in my living room. It turned out to be Macho trying to catch a bug through
the door-window. Huh. So, Macho is a windowbrawler. Who'd a thunk?
I've cried at the mere thought of possibly needing to put him to sleep.
And I've yelled at him for peeing on my bed YET AGAIN after I shooed him off my
bed multiple times, and I've run out of clean sheets, and I've thought about
putting him to sleep just so that I can have my life back.
But there's no need to put him to sleep. He still has so much life left
in him.
From what I understand, Macho's vet performed a thing-ectomy on one
other cat before Macho. The other cat was donated to somebody afterwards and lived happily ever after.
There are times when I realize that I became a cat person because cats
are low-maintenance, self-cleaning animals. But even when I look around and
notice that my elderly cat isn't low-maintenance anymore, and it feels like all
I'm doing during my spare time is cleaning up after him... I can't give him
away to anyone else. His heart would break, and so would mine. He's mine, and
I'm his.
Faithfulness can be EXTREMELY hard. But I think Somebody has been
teaching me how He does it.
"If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself."
(2 Timothy 2:13)
"And the Lord said to Moses, 'I have seen this people, and indeed
it is a stiff-necked people! Now therefore, let Me alone, that My wrath may
burn hot against them and I may consume them. And I will make of you a great
nation.' " (Exodus 32:9-10)
The one true God -- the One who loves unconditionally, the One who
loved the world so much that He gave His only begotten Son, the One who IS love
-- had a moment where He wanted to zap His chosen people off the face of the
earth. And Moses talked Him out of it. (Although I'm pretty sure He would have
relented, anyway.) See? Maybe I'm not crazy after all. If God can have an
"After all I've done for you, THIS is how you pay Me back?" moment,
so can I, if I need to.
Like I said, faithfulness can be SO hard. It's hard showing up day
after day, moment after moment, laying your life down over and over again, for
someone who may or may not appreciate you... for someone who may or may not
give you the time of day... for someone who may either just ignore you or adore
someone else instead of you. And yet, you keep showing up, and you can't pull
yourself away.
It's insanity... until you find someone who reciprocates your
heart-actions. Then your ache becomes sweet. When you discover that the
recipient of your affection actually wants you, too, there isn't anything you
wouldn't do for them. If they give you an inch, you'll gladly give them a mile
in return.
"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who
comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who
diligently seek Him." (Hebrews 11:6)
Sometimes I wonder why an aging cat -- who isn't allowed outdoors, who isn't
as spry as he once was, who has been doubly "fixed," who has
difficulty controlling his bathroom reflexes, who possibly may be battling an
undiagnosed autoimmune condition, and whose owner keeps imposing boundaries on
what he can and cannot do -- would want to still live with me. What is his
motivation?
I think I know the answer. It's me.
Macho and I have a special bond that has grown and deepened over the
past 16 years. He and I have a history together. Our relationship isn't perfect,
but he and I belong together. And as we continue to grow old together, he will
continue to be my $6 million cat, and I will continue to be his crazy-cat-lady
mama who would do anything for him.
Sometimes I wonder why a middle-aged woman -- who isn't anyone's spouse/mother/bestie,
who will never be the best-looking or the best-dressed or the best in her field,
who is constantly living in other people's shadows, who is still learning how
to control her volatile emotions, who has experienced a vast array of
disappointments that just keep coming, and who has become so incredibly tired
of allowing her heart to take risks only to be run through the shredder over
and over and over again -- would want to still trust God with her life. What is
my motivation?
I'm pretty sure I know. It's Him.
My Father and I have a special bond, and we share a secret place
together that nobody else will never knew about. He and I have a history
together, and we talk about it every once in a while whenever He wants to teach
me something through it. Our relationship will always be uneven -- since He's an
all-powerful, all-knowing, ever-present God, and I'm just His kid who could
never, ever compare to Him -- and we like it that way. And as our relationship continues
to grow, I will continue to be His little girl who can't live without Him, and
He will continue to be my King-Father who will always be available for me.
When life breaks my heart and life's questions scream at me on the
inside at deafening decibels, and I feel like I'm the only one who can hear the noise,
I know my motivation to keep going. It's my relationship with God. I don't know
if this is all there is to life. But I'm going to keep trusting God and keep
going. He's never let me down. And at the end of the day, if all I have is Him,
then I'm going to curl into His lap and purr, because I know I'm welcome there.
I know I belong with Him. I know He loves me and would do anything for
me.
The truth is, whether things are going awesomely or horribly, I can't live without our relationship. It would break my
heart. And it would break His.
Macho is a lot stronger than he looks. I think maybe I am, too.
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