When life is a big question mark

A lot of rain fell in my area recently. We had stormy weather, and the power went out in my apartment a couple of times. The first time was on Friday night after my dishes were washed and my laundry was clean. The second time was on Saturday morning, almost afternoon, after I had eaten lunch. So, both times happened when it wasn’t a tragedy for me to be without electricity. On Friday night, I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed in the dark -- which went surprisingly smoothly, I guess because I know my way around my teeth quite well -- and on Saturday, I was tired and decided to just take a nap.

 

And both times, as soon as the electricity went off, one of my smoke alarms beeped and freaked out MeepMeep. On Friday night, she hid under my bed; on Saturday, she hid under the old chair in my living room. (This photo is edited for brightness.) I guess you could say our responses to a sudden trial were different. MeepMeep’s response was to rush to a safe place. My response was basically, “Eh, I can’t really do anything, so I may as well just rest.”

Not that either of our responses was wrong.

“Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.” (Psalm 37:3)

About two weeks ago, the event I had been waiting for finally came: The non-compete agreement that I signed with my previous employer expired, suddenly enabling me to seek employment with their clients. I am out of the wilderness and finally in my promised land, so to speak. Free at last!

But what’s surprised me about this new season is how much of an emotional roller coaster it’s been so far. I’m thankful to still have my temp job, although I don’t know how much longer it will last. I’m relieved to be able to look for a better job, although it doesn’t look like I’m as hot of a job candidate as I thought I was. So far, no one really seems interested. And so, I wait.

I guess that season of waiting that I just came out of basically prepared me for more waiting.

And some interesting things have been happening while I’ve been waiting. God told me very recently, “You’re more important than finding a job.” I’ve noticed that certain other non-job-related things in my life have been falling into place much faster than job-related stuff. For instance, I’m going to start psychotherapy again soon. Long story short, I’m going to get some professional help for some mental/emotional stuff for the third time in my life. (The first time was after I got out of the psych hospital in 2000, and the second time was in 2014, which I blogged about on this site.) I’ve been blessed with a cool opportunity, and I’m going to run with it.

So, this new season has started out crazy, but I guess in a way, each season is really supposed to build on previous seasons. I just came through one of the craziest seasons of my life, and I think I ended up learning/honing some important skills that are going to serve me well in this new season.

Perhaps I over-romanticized it in my head, but I’m not exactly sure why I thought I would suddenly step into a rose garden a couple of weeks ago. Even the Israelites didn’t suddenly start enjoying their promised land as soon as they set foot on it. I’m intrigued by their story in the Book of Joshua. Possessing their promised land was a process. They sent out spies, conquered Jericho, worked through some internal issues, and had to get rid of some giants on their new turf. Even God knew that Joshua may have been a little freaked out by the importance of his new task, as He told him multiple times in Joshua chapter 1, “Be strong and courageous.” Don’t be scared, man. Be chazaq.

And, as usual, God doesn’t really seem to be in a hurry. I’ve realized that He’s probably the only Employer I’ve had who hasn’t demanded that I work faster. (Technically, if I’m called to the ministry, God is my Employer, no matter whose payroll I’m on.) Anytime a boss has a complaint about my work, it’s usually that I’m not working fast enough. But God isn’t like that. He Himself doesn’t seem to be in a hurry whatsoever. I think that, in and of itself, is very healing for me.

 

I was recently encouraged to check out Psalm 37, which is a Bible passage that I’ve meditated on a lot over the years. This time around, verse 3 has jumped out at me -- “Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.” I think the imagery here is an agrarian one; I think of animals grazing. Cue MeepMeep, who happened to be hanging out near my leg after I came home one day.

Sometimes when I wonder if I’m doing something right, or if I’m missing anything, or if I’m pleasing God in whatever I’m doing, He’ll bring my cat to mind. (Or whichever cats are living with me at the time. If you’ve followed my blog over the past several years, you know that God taught me a lot through Macho and Choochie.) He might ask me something like, “Does she ask you if she’s doing all her cat things the right way?” And, knowing where He’s going with that line of questioning, I’ll reply sheepishly, “No.” And He might gently but firmly ask rhetorically, “Well, then?”

He’s right, of course. MeepMeep is a cat; therefore, she already knows exactly how to be a cat. She knows how to meow, how to groom herself, how to hide from potential danger, how to purr, how to request/demand food from her caretaker, how to play, how to snuggle, etc. If she were to suddenly become insecure and ask me if she were doing the whole feline experience correctly, well... I wouldn’t dismiss her concerns, and I wouldn’t refuse to answer her. But it would be slightly ridiculous of her to ask me something like that. I’d probably be like, “I love you; just be yourself.”

Bingo.

I’m a sheep, and I belong to my Shepherd; therefore, I know His voice. There’s a certain direction that I feel like He’s led me in, so I’ve been following Him there. It’s dark and confusing in this place, but there’s no need to freak out. I already know what to do. I just need to trust in Him and do good; I just need to dwell here and feed on the fact that He is faithful.

So, when life is a big question mark, you trust God. It isn’t always easy, but if you’re where He wants you, you’re more than likely going to be safe. And why wouldn’t you be? God takes care of His own. It wouldn’t glorify Him to do otherwise.

So, until the lights come back on, so to speak, I’m going to keep doing what I already know to do. I’m going to take life one day at a time. I’m going to keep asking Him to provide for me, because I know He can, and because I’ve seen Him do it in some really cool ways. I’m going to keep hoping for the next big opportunities to come along, because I know they’re coming. I’m going to kill some giants, cuz they ain’t got no business being on my new turf. And I’m going to rest, because I really need to. (Seriously, I’ve been exhausted, and it hasn’t been very healthy.)

Speaking of lights...

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?” (Psalm 27:1a)

... would you believe God led me to Psalm 27 on the night that the power went out? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but it was pretty funny. Just another example of how He knows exactly where I am and exactly what I need. He knows about the question mark, and He knows how to answer it.

And He’s always going to be brighter than any stupid darkness.