When a box of Kleenex becomes a close friend

Heads-up, reader: I will write most of this post while heavily under the influence of generic DayQuil. I'm not an ordained minister or a theologian; I'm an artist and a meditator. I plan to take today's meditation on a wildly infectious psychedelic ride to cool places that will groovily help my soul and hopefully help yours, too. Dig it.

This post will be graphic enough as it is, so I didn't want to add to the graphicness by posting a photo of my actual snot. So, I decided to post a nice beauty shot of my cat posing above with my Kleenex box. (Rather, he consented to the photo shoot. The conversation went something like this: "Can I take your picture with a box of Kleenex?" "Meow." [Faithfully follows me trottingly into the next room where the lighting is better.])

So, I've mentioned previously that Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." If we hope for something and it doesn't happen, or if we hope in somebody and they disappoint us, doing so could make us heart-sick or soul-sick. Currently, I'm sick physically. I think I have some sort of cold or upper respiratory infection. It's been a long time since I've been as sick as I am now, so I've almost forgotten what it's like to be sick. But I've been reminded, and I've noticed that being sick physically seems a whole lot similar to being sick in my soul. I'd like to offer the following examples.

Physically sick: When you're genuinely call-in-sick-and-stay-at-home-and-get-some-rest sick, pretty much all you can think about is your sickness. It consumes you. "Aw, man, I'm sick. Aw, man, I'm sick. Aw, man, I'm sick. Aw, man, I'm sick. Aw, man, I'm sick. Is this all there is to life -- lying here in bed and trying not to move too much? What's it like to be well? I kinda forgot. Time to nap now. Aw, man, I'm sick."

Soul-sick: When you're genuinely I-have-a-major-heartache-that-God-needs-to-heal sick, pretty much all you can think about is your pain. It consumes pretty much every aspect of your life. "Aw, man, I'm hurting. Aw, man, I'm hurting. Aw, man, I'm hurting. Aw, man, I'm hurting. Aw, man, I'm hurting. Is this all there is to life -- taking classes at church and trying to get better? What's it like to not hurt? I've kinda forgotten, and I hope I'm not obsessing too much over my issues. Time to let God do whatever He wants with my heart. Aw, man, I'm hurting."

Physically sick: It's important to pay attention to symptoms, especially because they could help you diagnose your condition... but getting carried away with the possibilities could also become unhealthy. For instance, if I get a sore throat and feel somewhat achy, I know that I'm more than likely catching a cold. That means that as the infection progresses, the sore throat will give way to sinus drainage which will give way to a stuffy, sneezy nose which will give way to a lingering cough. So, getting a sore throat will help me understand what I'm dealing with and how to tackle it. However, if I get a sore throat, and my mind starts going to nutty places such as "OH, MY GOSH, I'M GOING TO GET STREP THROAT AND DIE!" that ain't healthy. Just take it a step at a time. If it seems like a manageable cold, deal with it and move on. If it seems like a freaky infection that needs medical attention, go to a doctor and take it from there.

Soul-sick: It's important to pay attention to the pain you feel, especially because it could help you know what kind of healing you need... but letting your mind take you to unrealistic places could also become unhealthy. For instance, if I hurt anytime I see mutual friends hanging out with each other and not me, I know that I'm more than likely dealing with a rejection wound. That means that I need to take my pain to God and let Him heal it and talk to me about it before it becomes worse and I start believing lies about myself (i.e., "I suck") and/or start engaging in destructive behavior that I've blogged about previously. Perhaps praying about it would be sufficient, or perhaps forgiving my mutual friends for the perceived rejection would help me stop hurting, or perhaps if my mutual friends continued to exclude me, my talking to them about it assertively (not aggressively) would help clear things up. If it seems like my pain is out of my league to handle, perhaps a trained minister could help me work through some deeper issues.

Physically sick: Ignoring symptoms is downright unhealthy. If I'm feeling feverish, nauseous, or dizzy, etc., pretending that my symptoms aren't there and just living my life as usual could be harmful to my body and to others around me. What if you were to, say, go on a field trip to a museum with your second-grade class and, instead of telling a teacher you feel bad, just continue viewing the exhibits until you puke your guts out in front of your entire class in the middle of the museum? Well, I'll tell you what happens. You grow up to use it as an example in your blog about how it's not good to ignore symptoms.

Soul-sick: Ignoring symptoms is downright unhealthy. If you're particularly skilled at looking good -- wearing nice clothes, wearing makeup, having shiny hair -- you could probably mask a soul-sickness pretty well. Perhaps pretending that little things don't bother you could build up to a sudden outburst of soul-puke that could embarrass you, shame other people, and/or scar you or other people for life. If you're going to hawk a spiritual loogie, please don't aim it at my face.

Physically sick: Getting sick isn't always my fault. If somebody sneezes into their hand before they shake mine, I'll more than likely inherit their germs.

Soul-sick: Having an infection isn't always my fault. If somebody else hurts me and/or abuses me, I'll more than likely have some stuff to work through later.

Physically sick: Obsessing over symptoms and worshiping the illness is also downright unhealthy. I'll elaborate on that a couple of paragraphs down.

Soul-sick: Obsessing over your pain and worshiping it is also downright unhealthy. When I was much younger, a lady at church used to talk about how she used to have a son until he was taken away from her, and she thought it was extremely unfair that she couldn't ever see him. I'm sure it was excruciatingly unfair and that she was aching over it, but she talked about it constantly. I'm guessing that she needed some sort of grief counseling or family counseling or other kind of professional help. I'm guessing she didn't get the help she needed, because her remaining family had some dysfunctions later. Hopefully I'm wrong, and she got help after all.

Physically sick: If you have a support system available, use it! Find family members to feed you soup and crackers in bed and/or serve you gallons of orange juice and/or read you bedtime stories until it's time for your next nap. On the other hand... I'm not sure how to say this nicely. Don't find overtly codependent people. I can say from experience that they are creepy and could possibly make you sicker. I'm about to type something in all caps because if I were telling it to you in person, my eyes would be very wide and I would be creepily swirling my head into your face. "OHHH, YOU'RE SICK! THAT MEANS THAT YOU WILL DIE WITHOUT ME! YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T MAKE IT WITHOUT ME. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITHOUT ME? HERE. HAVE SOME SOUP, BABY. Gasp! Did you sneeze? Why did you sneeze? NOW YOU'RE GOING TO CATCH PNEUMONIA! I WILL CONTINUE TO SPEAK DEATH OVER YOU SO THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEPEND ON ME FOR LIIIIIFE..."

Soul-sick: If you have a support system available, use it! Find church people and/or close friends to encourage you and hold up your arms until God finishes flushing out your heart-infection. On the other hand... there isn't a way to say this nicely. Stay away from overtly codependent people. I can say from experience that, especially if they're in the ministry, they could possibly use you to affirm their identity, and then you'll have a big-time problem on your hands. "OHHH, YOU'RE DEPRESSED! THAT MEANS THAT YOU WILL DIE WITHOUT ME! HERE, SIGN THIS CONTRACT! THAT MEANS THAT YOU HAVE TO CALL ME IF YOU FEEL LIKE HURTING YOURSELF. I have no idea who thought up contracts, but whoever it was has probably never been suicidal, because a bleeping contract doesn't mean bleep when you're hurting like bleep. YOU NEED ME, AND YOU WILL NEVER STOP NEEDING ME! THE EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY WAY THAT I AM ATTACHED TO YOU WILL ONLY MAKE YOU WORSE! YOU AND I WILL BE STUCK TOGETHER FOR LIIIIIFE..."

Physically sick: Sometimes, you gotta unplug from everyday life and just stay home. Seriously, if there's something that your coworkers could catch, they might not appreciate you being at work.

Soul-sick: Sometimes, especially if you're in the ministry, you gotta step down, take a step back, and just focus on working through your issues. Seriously, if your job is to help people, and your puked-up issues are spreading infection and pain to people all around you, please do yourself and them a favor and just go away for a while and let God heal you.

Physically sick: On the other hand, peeling yourself out of your sickbed and just living out everyday life can be very therapeutic while you're still sick and healing. At least, for me, it's usually helpful to get ready and drive to work while I'm still recuperating. Doing so helps me feel human.

Soul-sick: On the other hand, taking a break from your pain and just living out everyday life in God's Kingdom can be very therapeutic while you still need some healing. This doesn't help me all the time, but often it's a good idea for me to take my mind off the issue that's been frying my brain and just help somebody else for a while. Doing so helps me remember that my God cares about people, life goes on, and that everything -- at least eventually -- is going to be OK.

Physically sick: Not every treatment works for everybody, and not every person takes the same amount of time to heal. Generic DayQuil and NyQuil are usually the most effective medicines for my colds, but sometimes generic Sudafed and Tylenol will also work, and cough drops are awesome. (In college, I used to take one supersonic cold pill that was supposed to last for 24 hours. That was terrible. It would wear out early, and then I couldn't take anything else right away. I would lie awake at night and everything. I'm not sure they make that brand anymore. Why am I still writing about it? It made me miserable.) I've heard that some people will only have colds for a few days or one day. In my past, my colds would usually last for a week, and then I'd have a cough for a week or two. Perhaps mucus takes a while to work its way out of my system because of my Karen-Carpenter-ish pipes. Long ago... and oh, so far away...

Soul-sick: Not every treatment works for everybody, and not every person heals in the same amount of time as everybody else, and often God tends to work through layers or cycles or piles or departments or building-wings inside a person's heart. Some issues are worked through and done, and they won't bother me ever again. And other issues I thought I was done with, and then suddenly they turn up again, and what the bleep? And other issues are continually polished until God likes their shininess... and then He huffs His awesomely holy breath on them and polishes them again. Maybe some people will only need one counseling session or one church class or one prayer, and presto, they're healed and good to go. I, however, seem to take forever, and God seems to just grin at me and tell me that He's not in a hurry. Psalm 42 says that deep calls to deep. I tend to be deep. Yes, I need to focus on God instead of on my pain, but -- for example -- if I'm sitting down deep in thought and trying to figure out why I'm hurting so much, somebody grabbing my arm and yanking me up to my feet during the music at a church service isn't going to help me, and it isn't going to show me that that person cares about my pain. God cares about my pain. If something in my heart has been sick for 36 years, maybe God will presto-chango-rearrango and my heart is instantly healed, or maybe He'll be like, "Nah, people need to see how you respond to this situation. You need to write songs about this. I like to be around when you're hurting, and I like to be the One who makes it all better." Then He and I bond, and we start singing Carpenters songs to each other. Let Me be the One you run to... Then suddenly I become like my cat, and God shows me a Kleenex box and is like, "Can I hold your hand while you walk through this excruciating process?" "Sure." [Faithfully follows Him trottingly into the wilderness where nobody but Him will hear her wailing while He flushes out the infections.])

So, in my church group, we recently joked that when we were younger, the answer to every church question was "Jesus." It's kinda funny, but it's extremely true. How do we get saved? Jesus. Who do we turn to when we're hurting? Jesus. Who can heal us? Jesus. So, would it be bad if I went to the doctor and/or just kept taking medicine and letting my infection flush out? Nah, but ultimately Jesus is my Healer. So, would it be bad if I kept doing what I'm doing or if I seek out third-party help to work through my issues? Nah, but ultimately Jesus is my Healer. He's also the One who hangs out with me while I'm crying my eyes out into the Kleenex box and tells me that everything's going to be OK and that He'll stay with me for as long as it takes for my heart to get better. Then after it's all better, He'll still hang around, anyway. I like Him. He's mine. And I'm His.

You know what's better than generic DayQuil? Generic NyQuil. Dig it.

Wouldn't you want to protect this precious creature from a cobra?

Reader, I should probably warn you that I don't really hold my punches anymore. Enjoy!

It's time once again to dote on my adorably gorgeous cat. Aww, look at that photo above. I think she's doing one of her supercatmodel poses. Wait. Why is her leg striped like a tabby's? Isn't she supposed to be a Siamese cat? And why does she have one white paw with a gray finger while the rest of her leg is gray-tabby-striped? And this isn't showing in the picture, but why does she also have beigish-tan coloring, especially on her back feet, as if she were a calico? I guess there's something wrong with her, because she isn't like any other Siamese cat I've ever seen. A Siamese/tabby/calico cat? I've never heard of such a thing. I can criticize her like this because I'm God, right?

Wrong! Of course there's nothing wrong with my little cat. (Reader, I hope you could smell my purposeful ridiculousness in the above paragraph.) I am definitely NOT God, and I definitely did NOT create my adorably gorgeous little cat. God did. He really did make her to be a half-Siamese, half-tabby, partially calico cat who's very petite and still very kittenish even though she's technically a senior cat. And she's extremely precious to me. But do you know who thrives on criticizing precious, perfectly designed, innocent creatures like her? Cobras.

"Their venom is like the venom of a snake, like that of a cobra that has stopped its ears, that will not heed the tune of the charmer, however skilful the enchanter may be. Break the teeth in their mouths, O God; tear out, O Lord, the fangs of the lions!" (Psalm 58:4-6)

"A serpent may bite when it is not charmed; the babbler is no different." (Ecclesiastes 10:11, NKJV)

"...they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all..." (Mark 16:18a)

Those of you who are my Facebook friends may have read some of my allegorical stories/status updates this past summer. I really did used to be a cobra, even after I got saved. From what I understand, the passages I quoted above are talking about people -- metaphorical cobras. (I don't think Mark really meant for Christians to test their Christianity by handling literal snakes.) I used to be a Pharisee -- a hyperreligious, spiteful little cobra -- even after I got saved, and I've recently let God defang me. (Painful, non-anaesthetized procedures like that can happen in the wilderness.)

Cobras can be pretty darn scary. They're venomous, and they can seriously snap. When I did a tiny bit of research, I discovered that cobras aren't peaceful little vegetarians. They can sometimes eat other cobras.

Why am I talking about cobras? Previously, I've blogged about spiritual abuse. Today, I want to continue blogging my thoughts about spiritual abuse. After you leave an abusive environment and integrate into a healthy environment, you may take a while to notice the healthiness because you've been steeping in the unhealthiness for so long... but you'll notice that in the abusive environment, you had tolerated certain behaviors that you shouldn't have tolerated, and you put up with mistreatment that you shouldn't have put up with. Some parts of this post may sound a bit vague, but I hope they all fit together and make sense in the end.

Often, living among spiritual abusers means living among cobras. The abusers/cobras more than likely believe that everything is urgent, everything is potential for unnecessary/desired drama, and anything can be forced. God showed me that the internal default setting of a cobra is strife. I believe He's also shown me that one type of strife is mocking.

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers." (Psalm 1:1)

"Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended." (Proverbs 22:10)

"Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared." (Proverbs 22:24)

Please understand that what I'm about to explain (and I'll explain my experience/opinion) doesn't describe every situation. I'm sure that not every spiritually abusive environment contains strifey/mocky cobras, and not all cobras are spiritual abusers. I would just like to share my observations of certain characteristics of many spiritually abusive environments. I hope that my doing so is helpful for you, reader, especially if reading this makes a light bulb go off in your head and make you think, "Aww! Is that why my experience at that church or with this person was so crappy?" I don't want to disrespect, shame, or condemn anybody. I just want to hold my nose, point at the rotten fruit, and muffledly declare, "This is really nasty. When is somebody gonna lug this out to the Dumpster?" Also, I can talk about this because my fruit used to be this nasty, too.

Spiritual abusers/cobras tend to be excessively judgmental, critical, and insecure to the point of gossiping about people, possibly lying about it later, and definitely being two-faced to the people that they talk badly about. And sometimes the unnecessary criticalness can happen frankly to a person's face as well. I'm not talking about constructive criticism, which often is necessary. I'm talking about micromanaging and nit-picking at a person in a way that poops on them and makes the cobra look shiny and clean. For example, saying something like "Your essay has many problems that need to be fixed" would be constructive criticism, but "You suck as a writer and shouldn't even own a computer" would be cutting-down criticism and shaming.

The way that I fictionally criticized my non-fiction cat at the beginning of this post is, in a sense, a way that I have been criticized. "Why do you like Christian headbanging music? I didn't teach you that" is a minor example. "You want to be a writer, but writing is easy; I want to be an engineer, and engineering is hard" is a harsher example. "You can't be a missionary in such-and-such country, because you don't have any skills that they can use. Have you ever thought about being a musicologist in China?" is sort of a slap-in-the-face example. (There's nothing wrong with being a musicologist in China. It's just that if you believed that God wanted you to do A, being told that you should do Z, pardon my French, makes you want to say WTF.)

God made my cat very uniquely different from any other cat, and He made me very uniquely different from any other person. Perhaps I have certain characteristics that make sense, and perhaps I have other characteristics that don't make any sense at all, and perhaps God put me together that way on purpose and wanted other people to look at me, scratch their heads, and wonder what the heck. (Reader, God very uniquely designed, you, too.) If I'm square, I won't fit into any round holes, and if I'm round, I won't fit into any square holes. I know, because I almost died trying to fit into a hole that I would probably never fit into. A tragedy of spiritual abuse is cutting down a person so badly -- in a sense, redesigning them to fit your agenda, as if you were God -- that they don't fully become everything that God wants them to become... and that they don't believe they're even worth being alive anymore.

Since I used to be a cobra, I understand how cobras think and act, and I would like to offer you some tips on recognizing them and dealing with them.

1) If you're involved in church leadership, and your planning meetings turn into "let's criticize every teeny flaw that everybody has, even to the point of gossiping about the gossipers who are supposed to know better" sessions, that's a red flag. That could mean that you're accidentally spiritually abusing people yourself. Simply ask the Holy Spirit to convict you, repent if He does, and then ask God to defang you. Regardless, I think it's always a good idea to ask God to help you love people the way He does. Also, don't feed any gossipers any new information (Proverbs 18:8).

2) If you feel shamed about not doing something that Jesus commanded us to do -- especially if you hear "you better" before His command -- that could be a red flag. I'll give you an example from my life. I've always struggled with evangelizing, to the point of pushing people to pray salvation prayers (I was spiritually abusing) to ease my conscience. Hearing this during one pastor's sermon on evangelism didn't help, either: "You say you don't share the gospel with people because you don't know that plan of salvation. If you don't know the plan of salvation, then shame on you!" Once, I went to a trusted discipler/friend for help in this area. She had the gift of evangelism. So, I emailed her and asked her if she could teach me how to do evangelism. If memory serves, she emailed me back and said, "The reason you don't know how to do evangelism is because you don't do it." Well, her reply didn't exactly help me stop feeling ashamed or condemned.

3) If somebody keeps giving you a steady stream of unsolicited spiritual advice, but they're not actually spending any time with you and getting to know you, that could be a red flag. Do you remember my cat photo above? The lighting is bad. You would probably be able to tell exactly how gorgeously designed she is if you could see her in better lighting. Better yet, if you were to meet her in person and spend some time with her, you'd get to know her personality, see her intriguing patches of coloring, be amazed by her quirks, and probably understand why I love her so much. People are the same way. I'm not saying that unsolicited spiritual advice is all bad. Correction is important (Proverbs 12:1; Psalm 141:5). But giving genuine advice flowing out of a heart of genuine relationship/friendship (Proverbs 27:9) can be a very sweet, very refreshing, very awesome thing (Proverbs 25:11). Also, some unsolicited advice can be illogical, depending on the situation. For example, I've been told that cats like to be petted with a great deal of pressure, but if I pet my delicate little Siamese/tabby/calico very hard, it will hurt her. On the other hand... if somebody is spending too much time with you to the point that it's unhealthy and you don't know how to get rid of them, and they're giving you a steady stream of unsolicited spiritual advice, that's a red flag, too, because they are possibly micromanaging/nit-picking/abusing you and possibly trying to be God to you.

4) Red flag! Don't argue with a cobra! They crave strife! Cobras know how to take any tiny little word that comes out of your mouth and turn it into a criticism of you. A made-up, silly example would be telling a cobra, "You need to get more sleep, because you're always tired" and them snapping back at you in return, "When do you ever sleep? I always see you yawning and waving around a coffee cup." Sure, I can talk about how cobras operate, because I used to be one. I don't like to be around them anymore (unless they're willing to let God defang them) because they make me feel unsafe now. When I defriended somebody a while back, I concisely and frankly told this person that they smelled like a cobra. When this person replied back, they did so with a rather lengthy lecture about forgiveness and acceptance. So, apparently this person's way of proving to me that they weren't a cobra was by coiling and snapping venomously. (Reader, I hope you're catching the irony.) Sorry, but pointing a finger at me and saying, "You better love me, because Jesus loves me!" ain't exactly gonna endear me to you.

5) Cobras tend to force and manipulate. I've learned the hard way that things like love, forgiveness, and acceptance aren't things that should be demanded or forced. Cobras probably don't understand this yet. They believe that anything can be forced, and they've got the fangs and the venom and the self-power to pierce their agendas into their victims' innocent souls. In a nutshell, that's what abuse is -- forcing. Also, as a former cobra, much of my "rehab" and defanging has been unlearning bad lashing-out patterns. Anyone who I've snapped at recently can probably vouch for this. Of course, I'm not saying that anyone who's ever snapped at anybody is a cobra. (More French: PMS.) I'm saying that this is one characteristic of cobras. Cobras can also latch on with their fangs and hold on to their victims for a very long time. In my opinion and experience, cobras can be parasites, and unfastening them from your soul can be very tricky and very dangerous... but it's worth going for it. Here's a very powerful cobra-repellent word that you can always use: NO.

I've noticed that in healthy non-abusive, non-cobra environments, instead of forcing me to do something or to believe something, the church leaders will point me to God and help me see how He fashioned me uniquely. I'm not saying that they won't give me hard challenges or frankly speak truth to me. I'm saying that instead of "you better," I'll hear "I encourage you" or "I want to empower you" or "I want to help you."

Pharisees/cobras often lie to maintain their slick whitewashed look, and they often recoil and snap to defend themselves. So, reader, I can't force you to believe everything you've just read, and I don't want to lie (except for the purposefully fictionalized stuff) to make myself look good anymore, so I'm gonna have to let God defend me if I've done or said anything wrong in this post. And, of course, if you feel that I need correction, please correct me with kindness. Hopefully anyone who takes the time to get to know me will know that I've shared as truthfully as I can (and I was hopefully also a teensy bit diplomatic when it seemed appropriate).

Cobras can be very deceitful because they're snakes. But there's hope for cobras. They need to listen to the charmer. I believe that the charmer is Jesus. Another way of translating Ecclesiastes 10:11 is that if snakes bite before being charmed, "there is no profit for the charmer" (NIV). I believe that Jesus wants to charm cobras profitably. Could charmed, defanged, rehabilitated cobras become evangelists? Maybe. Could they make good entertainers? Perhaps. Are they beloved creatures? Most definitely.

As I type this paragraph, my other cat (the big tabby) is reclining next to me. He's designed very differently than my supercatmodel. He's more of a GQ cat. But I dote on him, too. Aww!