Surfing

Sorry, I don't have photos of actual waves or surfboards, but I do have pictures of my cats. If you give them enough time, they'll adapt to new situations, but for the most part they're very routine-oriented animals. I usually give them a midnight snack around 9 p.m. On a recent evening, there was a delay while I took care of some out-of-the-ordinary business (repairing the blinds that broke after my cats repeatedly looked out the window). But they followed me around because they know I'm in charge of their food supply. The food container is right there (as you can see in the bottom-right corner), but my cats can't eat unless I feed them. They have to wait, and it's not unusual for them to follow me around the apartment whenever they get hungry. (See the demanding desperation in their eyes? Aww.)

"Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near." (Isaiah 55:6)

"My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me." (Psalm 63:8)

The Bible is full of instances of God simply showing up uninvited, and it's also full of places where He asks to be sought after. Because Jesus made a way for me to have direct access to Father God, He can show up in my life however or whenever He wants... whether I'm reading my Bible or whether I'm typing up the first part of a blog post early in the morning at Braum's. (By the way -- I don't recommend their breakfast burritos. The egg and cheese is tasty, but the beef, onions, and tomatoes make the meal too mouth-noisy. Blech. Perhaps they should stick to making burgers, ice cream, and sherbet. Drooling.)

To abruptly change the subject, I don't know how to swim, so I've never actually been surfing. But from what I understand, in order to surf, surfers need to know when the waves are ready to be surfed on. When the surf's up, the surfers paddle into the water on their boards, and then they skillfully maneuver onto or under the wave. Then they ride the wave, and they are triumphant. Web-surfing is sort of the same way (this is something I've done a million times). When you access the internet, perhaps you have an idea of something you'd like to research or read, or perhaps you have a friend who's got a profile somewhere, and you'd like to do your homework before having a face-to-face conversation with them. (That's different than stalking, right?) Then after a while, you skid from webpage to webpage until you end up in a completely different place than you had originally anticipated. (Yesterday, I read a couple of synoposes on Wikipedia about a novel/movie in which all of an extremely religious, sheltered family's daughters commit suicide. I can relate to this situation, but I seriously doubt I'll ever see this movie. Wait. How did I end up typing about this subject?)

Surfing onto the next subject-wave, I've been learning that emotional healing (or even just living through a day while I'm hurting) is a lot like surfing. You wait for the next wave that's coming, and then you position your board just right, keep your balance, and ride the wave until it's gone.

I can't speak for everybody, but I've learned that for me, not every emotional-healing issue I have will be addressed in a Freedom-in-Christ class. Not every emotional-healing crisis I have will require me making an appointment with a counselor or asking for prayer or even talking through it with a friend. And not every emotional-healing attack will be predictable or even avoidable by reading my Bible, praying, or praising/worshiping God with music. Not everything that makes me collapse onto my steering wheel or my living-room carpet or my damp pillow in a pool of "where the heck is this coming from" tears is my fault or will be quick to resolve.

However, I can say that regardless of the issue, crisis, or meltdown, one thing is certain: I need to know where God is. For some reason, I've noticed that when the pain seems the darkest, God can seem the farthest away, the most absent, or even the most meh. Perhaps that is why some psalms in the Bible like 38, 77, and 88 are so dark-sounding. I have no idea why God seems so near sometimes and so far away at other times. But I have noticed that He often cries with me. I have noticed that He won't slap me away for telling Him exactly how I feel. And sometimes if I wait long enough, He'll show up and comfort me in a brand-new way that will strengthen me for the next wave.

I think sometimes seeking God is getting involved in a disciplined routine like having a "quiet time," where you spend a certain amount of time praising/worshiping Him with music, reading your Bible, and praying/interceding. He can definitely show up then and speak things to you. But other times, seeking God can be an act of desperate survival that isn't so formal. Sometimes in my desperation, I become like a two-year-old who simply says, "Daddy, where are You?" and sometimes He'll say He's right there, and He'll show me where He is, and sometimes He'll be crying, and sometimes He'll encourage me to puke/poop out whatever needs to get puked/pooped out. But I'll always be His, and He'll always be mine, and He'll never leave me, and He'll always be there for me, whether I can feel Him or not.

Here's another thing I can say for certain: When the emotional-healing issue wave comes, I better be able to ride it -- or at least let the Holy Spirit hoist me onto my surfboard when I'm too weak to jump on there myself -- or I'll wipe out, and I'll be a goner. Perhaps I should have titled this post "Stalking," because seeking God and His answers during a crisis can sort of be like hunting, I think. But sometimes I'm way too weak to put on my camo, prepare my weapons, wake up early, and climb into my stand or blind and wait for my trophy to creep into range. Sometimes I just need to keep my eyes on the tide and pay close attention to the waves. Sometimes it's, "Oh, my gosh, I can't believe this issue is back! Am I sinning?? Why am I hurting so bad??" And sometimes God's like, "Shh. It's going to be OK. I'm right here." And He brings me through it. Sometimes God seems very late in feeding me my metaphorical midnight snack, but if I follow Him around -- because He's in charge of my food supply -- He'll make sure I eat when I'm hungry. He's stuck with me for life, and He likes it.

Maybe it would have been more pious-sounding of me to write about flying above storms like eagles instead of surfing invisible waves. Hmm. Oh, well. So, this morning while I'm finishing up my blog-post draft, I've got buttermilk doughnut bites. I prefer a bowl of fiber-rich cereal, but the doughnut bites will do just fine for my tummy this morning. Drooling!