Blushing

For my day job, I sit at a cubicle for 8 hours and write rated-G material. So, sometimes a chick just needs an outlet for writing rated PG-13 or R material. I need to unravel some stuff out of my brain. I'm going to write about men. (Not boys. MEN.) For the sake of avoiding copyright issues, I've posted a photo of the only man in my life. (Aww. Isn't he adorable when he's trying to beg for food?) Of course, I'm not counting Jesus, the Son of Man who is Lord of my life. He's a Male, yes. But it's different with Him. Anyway, I'm not a blubbering pile of grieving ooze like the last time I blogged about my singlehood. I'm reflecting, so I'm a philosophical pile of abstract ooze.

Why am I reflecting? It might be because school is starting up again, and as usual, I have no official ties to the school year because I'm not a student and I don't have children who are students. Or it might be because -- to use a euphemism -- my biological clock is ticking loudly. I can definitely empathize with my single friends who are in their late 20s and/or early 30s and have entered the hormonally-freaking-out stage of late-adulthood singlehood. That's an excruciating place to be. I remember wanting to strangle married people and leaking my eyeballs into Kleenex tissues. But I think I might be past that part now. I think I have entered the hormonally-honest stage of late-adulthood singlehood. I've heard that hormonally, males hit their peaks around age 19. I've heard that women hit their peaks around their late 30s or early 40s. So, with honestly raging, definitely peaking hormones, I'm going to reflect, unravel, and endeavor to not make you stumble while I'm writing. Gosh, there's a lot to trip over nowadays. Hmm. Should I have just cut through the rated-G-ness and titled this post "Trying to NOT think about sex"?

I graduated from high school 7th in my class, and I graduated from college magna cum laude, so my brain can move quickly. But that doesn't mean I always understand things right away. I can be very slow to "get it." A lot of important information has taken a long time to seep through multiple layers of skull.

For example, when I was growing up, I didn't know I was supposed to be attracted to a certain type of male. I remember in the junior-high cafeteria, one of the girls at my table was talking about how crazy she was about New Kids On The Block. I wasn't into current Top 40 music back then (I was into The Carpenters and The Monkees), so I wasn't familiar with NKOTB. She showed me a picture of Jordan and asked me if I thought he was cute. I think I shrugged my shoulders and said something like "Not really," because she gasped in shock and clasped her picture to her heart. Sorry, chicky, but he was just a picture of a guy whose name I had to Google 23 years later to accurately identify.

Another name I had to Google recently was Ryan Gosling. I haven't seen The Notebook yet, but apparently the star of this movie has been a sex symbol on the internet for quite some time. OK, I'm glad he turns you on. But I'm 37 years old, so I don't usually like being called "Girl," and I don't usually notice blond males.

Maybe my taste in men has changed since I've gotten older, or maybe (hopefully) I've become attracted to healthier men as I've become a healthier person. (I'm not really attracted to high-maintenance mama's boys who require constant enablement anymore.) Sure, I'm ideally attracted to extremely good-looking males with black hair. (The actor in Man of Steel IS really hot, and I'm glad they added that little scene at the end for catharsis.) I grew up in a house where the main male was a chatterbox whose voice carried quite loudly, and I remember saying on multiple occasions, "Remind me to marry somebody who's soft-spoken." A gentle voice usually grabs my attention, no matter what the guy looks like.

But I'm not as ideal as I used to be when it comes to males. I remember when I was in my late teens, I remarked to a coworker that God was going to give me a husband on a silver platter. She scoffed, of course. If I was correct about the silver platter, God hasn't done that yet, and nothing about my singlehood has been ideal.

The one male who I thought was ideal for me remarked about me to a friend, "She's not my dating type." So, he didn't pursue me, even though I longed for him to do so. Sorry, chico, that I wasn't your type. I understand now that God didn't have this particular male in mind for me, especially after seeing things in his life that I hadn't seen before. But getting over him was excruciatingly painful, because I totally thought that he was my type.

Honestly, I don't really have a type anymore. But I have noticed that regardless of what "type" of male comes along, certain factors need to be in place in order to get my female attention. Regardless of what the guy looks like (but I have to like what he looks like) or what hobbies the guy has (but he has to respect me enough to let me pursue my hobbies)... well, I can't speak for every female, but the following are what I think I MUST have in order for the relationship to work.

1) The guy would need to love God infinitely more than he loves me. Of course, this would mean that he would want to live life God's way, so he would want to love me as Christ loved the church. This would mean that he would obey God's commandments. This would mean that he would love himself and that he would love his neighbor as he loves himself. This would mean that he would be willing to let God shape him into whatever He wants, that he would be willing to endure pain during that process, and that he would want to walk in the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

2) The guy would need to be strong enough to maintain a backbone during a crisis and soft enough to let me cry on his shoulder during MY crises. And I would want him to be OK with my shoulder if he ever needs a good cry. Everyone has emotions, but everyone expresses them differently. It's OK to not be very emotional. And it's OK to be an emotional basketcase. But when life's storms hit, if I'm joined to a man, he and I would need to face those storms together -- not run away from them and not let them kick our butts.

3) I absolutely, completely, utterly, 100% refuse to do online dating. I mean no offense if you found your spouse this way. I just wish to express for myself that I don't believe a human being should be shopped for as if he were an item on eBay.

So, regardless of the guy's personality, regardless of his looks, regardless of his education, and regardless of all those little details that might not matter that much in the long run, I've noticed that the following are what will attract Tirzah to a male.

1) Faithfulness. Just show up. Show up again. And show up again. Keep showing up, and show Tirzah that she can count on you, and show Tirzah that you want to be in her life. Don't drop off the face of the earth. Any male who wishes to win Tirzah's heart for life will show her consistently that she is the only chick for him and that he won't ever wander off. Why do you show up for church every week? Is it because you have to, or is it because you can't live without God? If it's the latter, life with Tirzah will be the same way. (With the understanding, of course, that Tirzah isn't God, and neither are you.)

2) Singleness. You know what's attractive to a heterosexual single woman? A heterosexual single man. I am attracted to availability. Unavailability is extremely unattractive to me. If you're a married man, no offense, but I think you're about as attractive as a tree stump, because you aren't mine. You're off limits. If you flirt with me while you're on a date with another woman, and you try to make people think you're an awesomely spiritual guy, I will label you in my mind as a hypocrite unless you show me some better fruit. And I will think you're as attractive as a whitewashed tree stump.

3) Maleness. Of course, I won't feel chemistry with every faithful single male who crosses my path. But I've found it almost impossible to be closeminded about every faithful single male who crosses my path. Please understand that I don't equate "maleness" with "machoness." I've been around effeminate guys all my life. Even though I've had bad experiences with a few of them, I still found them to be attractive... because they were male. You don't have to like sports or hunting or cars or anything else that males usually tend to like. You could like fashion or salons or interior decorating or anything else that females usually tend to like for all I care. As long as you were born male and are still male, as long as I am a female who hears her hormones screaming whenever she sees you, I will find you attractive.

Do you get it? People have told me over the years that I need to drop hints, but I'm not very good at dropping hints. The older I get and the louder my hormones scream, the more direct I become. Not to make you blush, but I honestly wouldn't know how to drop a hint to a male without climbing into his lap and French-kissing his ear. Not to sound crude, but if he wants me, he needs to come after me. And he'll probably need to be direct with me (without being creepy).

I've had many communication failures over the years with all kinds of relationships -- romantic and platonic. I need to have boundaries communicated clearly. I've accidentally violated people's boundaries because they didn't tell me where they were. Sorry, but if they're invisible, I won't see them. And I can't read people's minds, because I'm not God.

So, I would love to get married someday. I don't want to do any more of that name-it-and-claim it stuff. And I won't die if I don't get married. I simply want to follow God and keep submitting my honestly raging, loudly screaming hormones to Him, whether I get married or not.

I already enjoy a very intimate relationship with Him. It isn't sexual. (Otherwise, I'd probably have prophetic people beating down my door to offer free counseling and begging me to stay away from their church if I refuse.) But looking into His infinitely accepting eyes and letting Him look into the places inside my heart that are too deep for me to see... well, that helps me forget about my hormones. That helps me accept my current singleness. If I were to ever get married, that would help me be an extremely good wife. That helps me enjoy my life now, and it helps me enjoy the fact that even if this were all I get in this life -- just a peaceful, quiet dry crust with God, me, and two cats -- I'm content. I'm good to go. I think I get it now. God is enough. And He always will be. He keeps me from stumbling, He keeps me feeling like a woman in a very rated-G kind of way, and He helps me to not dilute or compromise who I am. God is enough, and so am I. I am His, and He is mine.