I posted this photo
simply for the sake of adorableness.
Reader, you might want to take a couple of steps back and grab some paper towels. I'm about to hawk up a
spiritual hairball. The following are frequently heard catchphrases and/or
behaviors that I encountered in spiritually abusive environments (or just heard
from people who were saturated in these environments) that have irked me after
the fact. Yes, I've said these things and done these things myself, too. I
think I may have already hawked out part of this hairball in other online forums
to a degree. But I think I finally understand how wrong these
catchphrases/behaviors can be.
1) "I'm not there yet." You're not where yet? Are you
comparing your walk with Jesus with somebody else's walk? Or are you putting
somebody else on a pedestal? Sure, it's OK to be inspired by somebody. It's
always a great idea to admire somebody's response to a situation or to look up
to somebody as a good example. But to immediately compare your character with somebody
else's? I think maybe that's insecurity or inferior pride. "Wow, this
person is awesome! But I suck. See how immature I still am? Look at meeee!"
Why are you shifting the focus from the person who is walking victoriously to
yourself? Would it kill you to just rejoice with those who rejoice? Have you
ever wept with those who weep?
If this is how you treat
yourself, how would you treat me? If I come to you with a problem, if I ask you
for help, would you immediately point to a pedestal and ask me why I'm not
there yet? "You're supposed to be walking in love. You're supposed to be
walking in joy. You're supposed to be walking in peace." I understand now
more than ever why I fell into such a deep depression so many years ago -- or
at least one reason why. You weren't available to help pull me out.
2) "We covet your prayers." Have you ever read the Ten
Commandments? If so, I'm intrigued as to why you selected the word
"covet" to communicate your desire. Do you understand that
"covet" has an extremely negative connotation? The Ten Commandments
say to NOT "covet." The creepy chick at the Church's Fried Chicken
drive-thru coveted my car. I no longer patronize that particular establishment.
Are you trying to sound smart when you say "covet"? Why can't you
just say, "We want your prayers?" Or, "Please pray for us?"
It's OK to keep it simple. It's not OK to sound like the creepy Hispanic chick
who made me feel like the object of her flirtation.
3) "God gives priority to the prayers of lost people." I
heard this once from a guy who repeatedly lectured me about the un-biblicalness
of the gifts of the Holy Spirit moving today. According to him, being filled
with the Holy Spirit meant reading the Bible. Logically, would this also mean
that lost people who read the Bible are filled with the Holy Spirit? I cracked
open the Bible for myself and found some very interesting things. Psalm 66 says
that if I cherish sin in my heart, God will NOT hear me. Psalm 145 says that
God is near to ANYONE who cries out to Him sincerely. And Psalm 34 says that
God's eyes are on the RIGHTEOUS and that He's listening for their cry.
Logically, I think this means that God gives priority to His children. Yes, of
course God wants to hear the prayers of lost people, and He wants to answer
their prayers. (I believe He's also extremely, urgently interested in finding
lost people.)
But perhaps if this guy
who misinformed me valued his children, he would understand the concept of a
loving Father actively listening for the cries of His children. No, the Holy
Spirit won't flex your muscles for you whenever He wants to lead you. No,
people who pray in tongues aren't hypnotizing themselves. But maybe you should
check out Galatians 5 and see if you've ever given the Holy Spirit a chance to
bear some of His fruit in your life. And speaking of praying in tongues...
4) Can you please not pray in tongues under your breath while I'm
talking to you about my life? That makes me feel like a freak. I know
you're about to pray for me, and I know I need prayer, but why exactly are you
praying in tongues while I'm talking? Are you, like, binding a spirit of
hesitation or something? I hope you, uh, understand that, uh, the fact that
you're muttering in your prayer language during our conversation is, uh,
distracting the heck out of me.
5) Not everyone needs his or her own newsletter. That's for vocational
missionaries. For everyone else, there's social media. A Christmas letter is
one thing, but a non-Christmas update about your non-missionary life is a bit
much. You know who else prints newsletters? Corporations. Just out of
curiosity, how many cubicles and breakrooms does your one-room apartment have?
Is that all I am to you? a stockholder? And speaking of missionaries...
6) Just because I met you and had a couple of conversations with you
doesn't mean I want you to target me for support-letter spam. You may
"covet" my prayers, but I do not "covet" your requests for
money and micromanaged prayer. "Hi, we're going to take a two-week break
from mission stuff, so we're going to go on vacation in Sri Lanka. Please pray
that we would book an affordable flight, that we would walk in joy during the
flight, that we would not have any flight delays, that we would have a safe
flight, that we would have opportunities to do even more mission work during
our flight while we're taking a break from our regular mission work, pray for
divine appointments, pray that would have enough money to tip our cab driver,
pray that our cab would be driven by an unbeliever so that we could share Jesus
with him, pray that we would have a safe journey to the hotel room, that we
would be good stewards with our fun spending money, that we would have wisdom
in how we spend our money, that we would be the hands and feet of Jesus while
we're out shopping, pray for "Bob" and "Mary" who own a
cute little shop near the main market, pray for "John" and
"Mike" whom we met on the beach, pray that we would have a safe trip
back, pray for good health, pray for team unity, pray that God would provide
enough money for us to pay for cab fare back to our house, pray that we would
become re-acclimated to our mission life." OK, I GET IT! Are you sure you
really want me to pray for you? It sounds like you've already got everything
covered. In the future, I would appreciate it if you would allow me to go to
God myself and let Him talk to me about what you need. I would appreciate being
able to use my imagination whenever I pray for you. It's OK. I'm a human being,
too. I know what other human beings need.
You know who else spams
me for support? Baylor. I loved my time at Baylor overall, I'm thankful for the
degree they gave me, and I like seeing my framed diploma hanging on my wall.
But for crying out loud, I walked the stage nearly 16 years ago. I've been an
alumna for nearly 16 years. I stopped being a Baylor student nearly 16 years
ago. When I applied for student loans, I don't remember Baylor offering me a
discount so that I would have money leftover to donate to their school. And
another thing about that: I know they're a private college, but why are they so
frickin' expensive? Why not tone it down on the pomp and circumstance and just
go no-frills? And why do they keep mailing me magazines and bothering me for
money? I'm still in the process of getting off their mailing lists. I don't
remember their degree helping me get a six-figure job. Baylor profs get to live
it up. I got to sell back many of my books so that I could pay my share of my
first month of post-college rent.
I understand that you're
a missionary who's endeavoring to fulfill God's call on your life. But you are
not Baylor. You do not need your own magazine, especially if you're doing
undercover missionary work in a country where you could get shot for sharing
the Gospel. Hello, aren't you afraid of blowing your own cover? Can you maybe
think of a more discreet way of sharing your needs with us? Don't you have
enough financial support by now? If you don't, shouldn't you yourself pray
about doing something else or supplementing your income another way? And who
are all these people in your photographs? Did you obtain their permission
before you published them? "Hey, I'm going to send all these pictures to
people who will pray for you. You don't mind me telling them that you're lost, do
you?"
I would like to wring
the neck of whoever thought up the concept of missionary fridge magnets. I
understand that you're a missionary, and I will pray for you whenever God
nudges me to do so. But why do you insist on me tacking you up on my
refrigerator? Do you want me to pray for you 3 times a day? Do you want me to
pray for you whenever I get hungry? Do you think my fridge is ugly, so you want
to spruce it up with your smile? Does my fridge bore you? Just so you know, I
don't have a picture of my pastor or his family on my fridge. That would be
creepy. I'm not pooping on the concept of prayer, especially for missionaries.
I'm just so tired of and creeped-out by the concept of missionary fridge
magnets. Do you want me to point to your picture and say, "I'm not there
yet" every time I need ketchup?
7) Oh, my gosh, stick a fork in me. I am so done with spiritually
abusive environments. I don't actually have a point #7. I just thought it
would look pretty to have 7 here. And I wasn't sure how else to transition into
my concluding paragraph...
...thusly. If you're a
minister who is so full of crap that it's all you have to offer people, I think
that means you've flunked. If the legacy you leave God's people is a huge,
looming doubt of their salvation, you flunked big-time. If you poop landmines
into people's lives, and they need to sign up for classes, counseling, and
therapy afterwards, you flunked quite stinkily-volatilely. Do everyone a favor.
Poop in the privacy of your own facilities, deactivate your landmines, and let
God have His way with you. Jesus didn't die so that you could glue a mask onto
your face, climb onto a pedestal, and tell people what to do. He died so that
your relationship with His Father would be eternally restored. He died to save
you from a death that you seem way too willing to embrace. He died to fix your complicatedness
with His simplicity. He died for people because He wanted them, whether you
want them or not. And He will always want them.
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