Rejection revisited

I've blogged about rejection before (for example, here and here), but I hope you don't mind me jotting down a few extra thoughts here.

I haven't always been a cat person. When I was a kid, I used to think cats were snobs. I mean, they look like snobs. Sometimes they act like snobs. But when you get to know them, they're actually not snobby at all. God designed them to be very regal animals. In fact, He describes Himself as the Lion of Judah. A lion is a type of cat -- the ultimate king of the cats.

God also designed cats to sleep... and sleep... and sleep... a lot. In the photo I shared at the beginning of this post, Choochie isn't being snobby. She isn't ignorning me. She isn't punishing me by turning her back on me. She isn't acting haughtily. She's just asleep. She's napping. Cats have 3 different pairs of eyelids (whereas we humans only have 2), so their eyes are designed to be extra covered while they are sleeping. It takes a lot to wake up a cat.

But if you didn't know this about cats, perhaps this photo would accidentally offend you. If I never spent time with my cats, and if I never took the time to get to know them, perhaps I would be constantly offended by them. Earlier today when I was leaving the apartment to go to the beautiful coin laundromat, Macho was napping in the living room, and he didn't make eye contact with me or say goodbye or acknowledge my presence or my departure at all. I think maybe he was just in dreamland. I think maybe he was just being a cat.

Cats are incapable of smiling, so they're incapable of showing delight in that manner. But they are equipped with a motorcycle-like purring apparatus that expresses delight in a way that only a regal animal could get away with. I repeat: Cats are not snobs.

For the record, God isn't a snob, either.

"He is despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him." (Isaiah 53:3)

"And Moses went up to God, and the Lord called to him from the mountain, saying, 'Thus you shall say to the house of Jacob, and tell the children of Israel: "You have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I bore you on eagles' wings and brought you to Myself. Now therefore, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, then you shall be a special treasure to Me above all people; for all the earth is Mine." ' ... Now all the people witnessed the thunderings, the lightning flashes, the sound of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking; and when the people saw it, they trembled and stood afar off. Then they said to Moses, 'You speak with us, and we will hear; but let not God speak with us, lest we die.' " (Exodus 19:3-5, 20:18-19)

I'm not sure exactly why the Israelites freaked out and rejected God's offer of intimacy at the beginning of their wilderness journey. Perhaps the thunderbolts and lightning were very, very frightening them. (Please pardon my references to "Bohemian Rhapsody." Didn't mean to make you cry. If I'm not back again this time tomorrow...) Perhaps God was the first Deity who actually expressed wanting to fellowship with them, and they didn't know how to take it. Or perhaps they were simply ex-slaves who had been mistreated all their lives, and they just expected everybody to keep mistreating them, including God.

Using my imagination, I wonder if maybe God's feelings were a bit hurt. I mean, after going through all the trouble of hearing their cries of distress, calling Moses and teaming him up with his brother Aaron, sending locusts, sending frogs, turning the Nile River into blood, slaying Egyptian firstborns, etc. -- after going to all that trouble to show the Israelites that He really cared about them, that He really wanted them, and that He really loved them, they were like, "Eh, that's OK. You can just talk to Moses for us. You can just keep all your cool God-stuff to yourself. We'll be content to stay clueless and worship golden calves later on." I mean, gosh.

And of all the human beings who ever walked this earth, Jesus (who is fully Human and fully God) is the least deserving of rejection. And yet, I think He's the One who gets rejected the most. If anyone knows how to handle rejection the right way, it's Him.

And if anyone has ever accepted me, it's definitely Him.

One thing I've noticed about rejection is that it's sort of like a software program on your computer with annoying updates that are hard to control. One minute, you log on and mind your own business, and the next minute, you notice that 200+ MB of something has downloaded on your computer, and you're like, Um, I don't remember downloading anything. Dang, I hope I don't exceed my allotted kilobytes for the month. So much for that movie I wanted to watch on YouTube! Then you start typing up a blog post, and you realize your computer has been completely taken hostage by a benevolent software update that will require a reboot in a few hours.

Rejection is kinda the same way, especially if it's still a stronghold in your life. (And when I say "you" and "your," I mean "me" and "my.") One minute, you're living your life and minding your own business. You decide to start something new at church, work, school, etc., that requires meeting new people and adapting pretty much your entire schedule to hanging out with these new people for the long haul. Then somebody says something like, "We hope we didn't scare you away!" or "Yay, you came back!" and it's cute and funny the first couple of times. But then you begin to wonder if perhaps there are some red flags that you need to be aware of. You're like, Um, I don't remember noticing anything wrong with these people. Is there stuff going on behind the scenes that I should know about? Dang, I should probably start looking for new people to hang out with. So much for trying to get to know these freaks! Then you maintain your social caution, and you gradually distance yourself until the new relationships die altogether and you move on to the new something at church, work, school, etc.

Rejection is sort of like a virus. If you've caught enough viruses and have become deathly ill multiple times, you'll probably get a bit paranoid anytime anyone sneezes and/or complains about feeling feverish. You feel one little sneeze, or you hear one little remark, and then the software update starts downloading and suddenly demands a reboot. "OH, MY GOSH, IT'S ALL OVER! I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!" Then you spend the rest of your life trying to live like the boy in the plastic bubble, feeling like you have no immunities and that, in some form or fashion, you are doomed for an early death.

At some point, however, you've gotta put your foot down and say that enough is enough.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ... to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved." (Ephesians 1:3, 6)

My pastor's sermon from this weekend got me thinking a little bit about the verses I just quoted above. Ironically, in Jesus -- the Beloved who has been continually rejected -- I am accepted. The only One who will always, always accept me, the only One who has never, ever let me down, the only One who has totally, completely been there for me, is God. The only One who will forever keep me from falling apart during rejection is God, in His infinite acceptance of me and His faithful friendship with me.

And yet, even though rejection has a terrible reputation, I personally have found rejection in general to be a very powerful thing, for better or for worse. Rejection can send a person spiraling down into a crippling depression. Rejection can get an employee fired from a job. Rejection can separate a victim from an abuser for life. And I daresay that rejection can isolate a person from God forever. I mean, how can a person be accepted in the Beloved if he/she has never, ever received the Beloved?

Just because one of my cats -- or a human being, for that matter -- has his or her back turned to me, or neglects to make eye contact with me, or seems to be completely ignoring me, doesn't mean that he/she is rejecting me. He/she may be occupied with other things. Or he/she may just be shy. Or just asleep. During mealtimes, I know my cats will give me their undivided attention. That is for sure.

"The eyes of all look expectantly to You, and You give them their food in due season. You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing." (Psalm 145:15-16)

I'm sure God understands. When trouble hits people, they tend to come running to Him. The mobs who rejected Him are suddenly on their knees seeking His face. I think He's used to it. I think He's extremely patient with the human race. A few months ago, I don't remember His exact words, but He basically told me, "I don't want you to talk to Me just when you're asking for stuff." He's interested in 24/7/365 friendship with me, and He isn't one of those friends who gushes flattery and then isn't there for you when you need Him. He's serious, He's sincere, and He'll stick with you forever if you'll let Him.

If God seems to have His back turned to me, or if He seems to be ignoring me, or if He seems to be all-out rejecting me, I'm probably just misinterpreting His behavior. Perhaps He's just being a Gentleman, and gentlemen are often comfortable with silence. Perhaps He's just waiting for me to finish processing life so that it can sink in through all those skull-layers of mine and my revelation can finally click. Or perhaps He's crying over me, and He doesn't want me to hear. Regardless, He hasn't rejected me. On the contrary, He has continually proven His acceptance of me.

The more I get to know Him, the more I understand this about Him. He isn't just a presence that shows up during a quiet time. He isn't just a Name that's powerful enough to slice through strongholds in a single bound. He isn't just a holiday. He's a Person, a Faithful One who's big enough and strong enough and gentle enough to heal all the ways that dinky little human beings have sliced through my soul in a single bound. Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Hmm. Well, if you're talking about God, it's the former for sure. Open your eyes. Look up to the skies and see.

Unemployment, part 12

Yay, this is the finale of my Unemployment blog-post series! I finally get to write about my new job! I'm processing a few different things in my head right now, but I'll try to compile them all here, and hopefully I can get them to flow together nicely. Perhaps this post could also be titled "Who you listen to makes all the difference."

"And the Lord restored Job's losses when he prayed for his friends. Indeed the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before." (Job 42:10)

Last night after work, I had some time to kill before a church service, so I decided to go to PetSmart and browse, e.g., stare at the cats. A couple of them stared back. One of them, I think, was hallucinating (or perhaps he was vision-impaired?), because he wouldn't look right at me, but his eyes were following something that seemed to be buzzing around his cage. Another one was hiding under his bedding, and I saw one of his eyes peering out at me from under his covering. Scenes like these melt my heart and move me with compassion.

This morning while I was hanging out with my cats, I remembered that Macho was a PetSmart cat. (His previous owner acquired him that way.) While I was holding him in my arms this morning, I told him that I think I understand his issues. Perhaps sitting in a cage all day while strangers come by and stare at you will really mess with your head. Macho was store merchandise. But he isn't anymore. Now he's my baby.

"But You have seen, for You observe trouble and grief, to repay it by Your hand. The helpless commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless." (Psalm 10:14)

" 'For the oppression of the poor, for the sighing of the needy, now I will arise,' says the Lord; 'I will set him in the safety for which he yearns.' " (Psalm 12:5)

Several days ago, I caught part of a TV show. A preacher said, "God doesn't respond to poverty." Um, yes, He does. It says so right there in my Bible; the verses I quoted above are just a couple of examples. (I heartily disagree with a lot of what that TV preacher said.) I'm made in God's image. I think He responds to poverty and dire circumstances in a similar way in which I responded to the cats at PetSmart: with compassion. And God is the most powerful Being in the universe, so when He helps people, He does it mightily, classily, and in the best way imaginable. And He's gentle, too.

I think Job can vouch for this. And, incidentally, I don't think it was an accident that I was reading the Book of Job while I was looking for a job. (Get it? Job, job? Heh.) Not to say that one little job loss compares to the life-torture that Job endured. But it was interesting, helpful, and timely to read about how Job lost everything that was important to him (family, resources, physical health), attracted really bad advice while he was grieving ("Hey, Job, this is probably all your fault because you sinned"), and got the lecture of his life from the God of the universe ("Oh, so you think you know all the answers, little man? Let Me tell you a thing or two").

About 2 years ago, I heard a loud, booming voice tell me to update my resume. I didn't think it was God until the stuff hit the fan at my previous job and I realized that I needed to find new job. Then about a year after that, I got fired, and God began to lead me very gently through the unemployment minefield. As I blogged previously, I thought God had told me that I would only be unemployed for 3 months. This "word" was inaccurate. (I was unemployed for 6 months.) When I asked God about it afterwards, He explained, "I let you hear things." Indeed He does. Tweaking my ability to discern His voice out of the other noises that fly through the airways has definitely been an adventure. I would like to share a few "messages" that I've heard throughout the years, some spiritual and some physical:

1) "Just do what's in front of you." This is something that God taught me during these past 6 months of unemployment. This is consistent with Matthew 6:34, where Jesus basically says to just take care of the stuff you need to take care of today, instead of freaking out about stuff that may or may not happen tomorrow. For example, I wondered if I should drop what I was doing and set up an online portfolio (instead of using the hardcopy one that I compiled during my last semester of college, back in the dark ages) so that I could use it in my job search. God gently showed me that setting up an online portfolio wasn't a task that was directly in front of me. What was in front of me was applying for jobs, period, so I did that. Turns out, I didn't need to set up an online portfolio. I got a job with my dark-ages hardcopy portfolio. This is one example of God teaching me basically to get into the discipline of tackling my tasks one day at a time.

2) "Don't give up looking for a full-time writing job." This is something that God gently kept nudging me to do this past summer when the job market was looking very bleak and my chances of finding anything in my degree field weren't looking good at all. But it sounded like He believed in me, so I went for it. Speaking of people who believe in me...

3) "You'll never make any money." This is something that my birth father told me in high school when I told him that I wanted to become a writer instead of a pharmacist. (Becoming a pharmacist was my birth mother's idea. There's nothing wrong with that idea except... well... it's not me.) I guess I was naively expecting him to be excited for me, but perhaps instead I got an earful of what was really in his heart. Um, thanks for believing in me? Um, thanks for speaking a poverty curse over me? Um, I'm not going to listen to that guy anymore.

4) "You don't get your own office." My previous boss told me this when I was complaining to her about the noisy, distracting work environment. Sometimes a chick just needs some peace and quiet in order to get some work done. My boss scoffed at me when I tried to appeal to her authority. All I asked for was quietness. She explained, "If I don't get my own office, you don't get your own office." Some time after that, she fired me. Now I have my own office. Non-toxic work environment, check. Peace and quiet, check. Vindication, check.

5) [insert very gentle nudge here] During my last week of unemployment, after I had already made all my required work-search contacts for the week, I felt an extremely gentle prompting that I should check an online job board one more time. I did, and I was very surprised to see a certain job listed there. I'm not sure why I had missed it previously, but I'm convinced that it was God who prompted me to check that job board, because that was the job I ended up getting. Less than 12 hours after I applied for the job, I was contacted for an interview, then I proceeded with my temp job, and then the day after I finished my temp job, I was offered my current job. I started 2 days ago. This entire process definitely has God's fingerprints all over it.

Some time before I was offered the job, God reminded me how He restored to Job double everything that he had lost. I don't remember the exact words of our conversation, but God was like, "Would you like Me to do that for you, too?" So, I was like, "Sure." Voilà, instant restoration.

And that's just a job. Psalm 23:3 assures me that God is interested in restoring more than just a stupid little job. He's interested in restoring my entire soul, and He's interested in doing so for His name's sake. During this entire unemployment season (which wasn't my first, but it sure was a doozy), I learned a lot of extremely important lessons. For instance, God is more interested in my life than I am. Psalm 33:19 assures me that God will keep me alive during a famine. This time around, I wasn't exactly living in the lap of luxury in the middle of a desert. I was mainly just kept ALIVE. Alive is pretty darn important. I'll take it.

And it was very sweet to see Him vindicating me. I went on several job interviews. At first, I was very insecure about explaining how/why I got fired from my previous job. But towards the end, it was eerily satisfying to see the compassionate/indignant looks on people's faces when I would explain what my previous job was like. "I'm sorry that that happened to you." "Well, if they put your desk in front of a breakroom and a stairwell, no wonder you couldn't get any work done."

So, Tirzah is back. Life isn't perfect, but the most perfect Being in the universe is in charge of my life, so I'm good to go.

It has been a lot of fun to see God answer all those crazy prayers that I prayed during the past 6 months (and even before then). I asked Him to play employer-employee matchmaker, and He did. I wanted to stand on His feet while He danced, and He let me do that.

During my unemployment, I was very desperate, so I cried out to Him very desperately. Yeah, that's right. God responded to my poverty. He did so gently, with compassion, with love, with power, with class, and in a better way than I could have imagined for myself. I'm very thankful for my brand-new job. I know I won't be there forever, but I know it will be an excellent place for me to be, hopefully for a very long while. Sometimes a chick just needs a full-time job in order to save up to go back to school.

I've never been trapped inside a cage at PetSmart, but I'm glad God chose me, rescued me out of my eternal trap, and adopted me. Providing a way out of my sin was infinitely more important than providing a teeny little job. But I sure am glad He did both.

"Be happy in your work"

This week, I've had a temp job. I've been working at a call center (basically, that's the place where they answer the phone anytime you call customer service). I've worked call-center jobs before (inbound and outbound calls). This is why I hate call-center jobs. Yes, I hate to talk on the phone, especially when I get paid to do so. Yes, I would rather dissect camel dung for a living in Afghanistan.

I don't mean any disrespect if you work at a call center. In fact, thank you for all that you do, and I truly appreciate everything that you put up with. I am definitely thankful for my temp job's paycheck, and the job has been a good experience overall. It's just that... well... it's at a call center. I've met very few people who actually enjoy call-center jobs. Sitting at a phone and taking customer-service calls is usually the type of job that people take because they are desperate for money (ahem), and it is usually the type of job that people only keep until they can find something better.

I think having a call-center job long term usually requires a specific type of person. I've noticed that long-term call center people usually don't take things personally, they are very focused, they are very steady, they are very consistent, and they are very willing to serve.

So, I've learned that working at a call center is sort of like boot camp. It's a crash course in working hard, maintaining your focus, and polishing your confidence. And it's kind of a sink-or-swim way of learning how to love unlovable people (by that I mean being nice to people who are yelling at you). Maybe when Jesus talked about "the least of these," He was partly talking about people who think they can say whatever they want just because they don't have to face you in person. Hmm. I wonder if Jesus dealt with irate customers when He was a carpenter. And I wonder if their dispositions were nastier than Judas Iscariot's. Hmm.

But working at a call center isn't for everybody. For example, it isn't really for me long term because I'm very analytical and have a tendency to overthink everything. Also, I talk really fast, and whenever I feel nervous or insecure, I talk even faster and chirpier. ("Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking. Just a moment.") And as somebody who is designed to be a pastor, it's sort of like a torture because after callers tell you their life story, you can't follow up on them. Oy vey!

So, Daddy has been teaching me excellent cubicle lessons like how to not second-guess myself. He's reinforcing seasonal lessons like how to simply do what's in front of me (instead of worrying about 50 million other details). And I'm getting a crash refresher course in depending on Him for everything.

And working at a call center is a great way to get your focus off yourself. I've noticed that I end up getting a call-center job anytime I'm coming out of a really emotional and/or desert-y season. I don't think that's an accident.

"For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat." (2 Thessalonians 3:10)

Years ago, I was working at a call center when I met a very interesting coworker whom I'll call John. John was a very nice guy, an older gentleman with a slow, even articulation in his speech. He was a new employee, but he would preach at us: "Be happy in your work. That's our motto." Um, I don't really remember reading any company mottos in the training manual, but OK. He would repeat his "motto" every once in a while, I guess perhaps whenever any of us would complain about something/somebody or just let off a little of bit of steam (which you have to do when you have a call-center job, trust me).

So, it was sort of a shocker when John, mister "Be happy in your work," suddenly quit his job one day after he had some sort of conflict with a manager.

I've thought of John this week (in my overly analytical way). Why did he come up with that "Be happy in your work" motto, anyway? Did he just not like to hear us complain? Was he trying to psych himself up to do his call-center job? Or was he just lying to himself?

I hope John understood this, but if you're unhappy in your work, it's OK to be honest about it. In fact, if you try to trick yourself into thinking that you're happy when you're actually miserable, you could harm yourself in all sorts of invisible ways. (Take it from the chick who spent 4 1/2 days in a psych hospital.)

I think one of the main reasons why I hate talking on the phone (besides the fact that the person on the other line could quickly take you hostage on the airwaves as they talk incessantly about the weather and politics and do you know what happened last night? Well, I was in the middle of feeding my cats when I decided to multitask. So, I put Choochie in the bathroom like I always do, and I left the light on while she ate her food, and then I closed the door so that Macho wouldn't come and eat her food. She's on a special diet for her hyperthyroidism, you know. It costs me about $48 a bag. And you know, that reminds me, I need to go and clip my babies' nails, clean their ears, and give them their heartworm medicine sometime this weekend. Hahaha! It's kind of like wrestling a miniature puma. So, anyway, I was feeding Choochie while I was making my lunch and fixing myself a snack. I put on one of my Duck Dynasty DVDs, and I started eating, and then after a few minutes, I noticed that I still had the light on in the bathroom. Bless her heart! I had completely forgotten that Choochie was in there! I felt so bad. After I let her out, I apologized profusely, and I gave her lots and lots of hugs and kisses. You know, I just love her so much. OH, MY GOODNESS, I JUST LOVE MY LITTLE KITTY!!!)...

Ahem. As I was saying, I think one of the main reasons why I hate talking on the phone is because it's so easy to manipulate your voice when the person on the other line can't see you. Anytime I work a call-center job, what you hear in my voice is "I am ready, willing, and able to help you," but what I really feel is "I really don't want to be here, I just need a paycheck, please don't yell at me." (One of my all-time favorite comic strips is the Dilbert strip from February 18, 2001.)

I'm not exactly sure what John's deal was. Maybe he was desperate for a paycheck just like the rest of us, so he fooled himself into thinking that he was OK with working at our call center. I just think it's ironic that mister "Be happy in your work" left unhappily.

Meanwhile, I've got a few days left in my temp job, and I'm happy to be working. I'm happy to be learning all the lessons that I'm learning. And I'm happy that it's just a temp job.

Choochie and I are OK. She's currently purring next to me. And my tummy is currently gurgling. And now I get to eat. That definitely makes me happy.