Unwanted? No. Wanted.

This week, I watched the 1964 Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer TV special for the first time in a long time. I realize now why I usually stick to comedies at Christmastime. Rudolph tackles some tough motifs! It was especially hard to watch because of some issues that God has been working on in my life this year.

During the program, Rudolph and his friends end up at a place called The Island of Misfit Toys. It’s also called The Island of Unwanted Toys. It’s a kind of depressing place where unwanted, unusual toys live and wait to be delivered to children who will appreciate them. For example, among the island’s inhabitants are a train with square wheels, a Charlie-In-The-Box, and a cowboy who rides an ostrich. The ruler of the island is King Moonracer, a flying lion. These toys are unwanted. They don’t fit in, and they’re rejected.

This story hits home for me because God has shown me how much I’ve dealt with rejection for my entire life -- not just with remaining single but with tons of other people in other types of relationships. But it’s OK. God is healing me, because He accepts me now.

When I first brought my mixed Siamese kitten home, around 10 years ago, I was roommates with a chick who had a big orange cat (who is my cat now). He did not take kindly to my new kitten at all. She was very friendly toward him and kept initiating with him, I’m assuming because she wanted to be his friend. (She’s the outgoing one. He’s the hermit.) At one point, he hid under my roommate’s bed while my kitten peeked under there. She crept toward him, trilling pleadingly, while he growled maliciously. It was a sad, kind of heartbreaking scene to watch. Basically, he was rejecting her and was being very hostile toward her.

That night, I brought my kitten into my room so she could sleep with me in my bed. Her previous owner told me that my kitten insisted on sleeping with her in her bed, but this bothered her, so she made my kitten sleep outside. I didn’t want that for my kitten. I brought her to my bed. I remember her standing there, staring at me, purring loudly, as if she were saying, “YOU’RE LETTING ME SLEEP HERE WITH YOU, IN YOUR PRIVATE LAIR, CLOSE TO YOU??? I LOVE YOU!!!” Heck yes, kitten. You’re mine now. I want you to be as close to me as possible. (Now she has issues with being too close to me, to the point of poking her whiskers on my face and waking me up in the middle of the night. But that’s another story. LOL) In many ways, this reminds me of how God treats me and wants me to be close to Him, because He accepts me.

OK, that was the cutesy, metaphorical half of this blog post. Now for the scarier, life-and-death half.

I’ve learned that rejection can have the potential to be very dangerous. If you experience a lifetime of friend after friend rejecting you, boyfriend after boyfriend dumping you, or relative after relative neglecting you, you could possibly start to believe lies about yourself. You could possibly start to believe that you are unloveable, unwantable, or that there is just something wrong with you. The way it was explained to me, if I remember correctly, rejection from people can be very dangerous because it could eventually lead to self-rejection.

God has shown me that this was a huge contributor my suicide attempt 10 years ago. I was in an environment where I didn’t quite fit in, I was repeatedly rejected, and I was obsessed with finding my purpose. (I think I’ve previously blogged about how depressed I was leading up to this.) The week before I made a series of bad decisions that led to me trying to take my own life, I was on a mission trip in Boston. It was a fun week overall, and I enjoyed the city. I enjoyed very peaceful times with God when I was by myself. I was praying about where God wanted me to do long-term mission work, and while I was in Boston, I heard Him say, “Stay here.” I excitedly thought He meant that He wanted me to be a missionary in Boston.

But that didn’t happen. I eventually became so fed up with everything and so enraged at God that I did a Jonah-like escape out of town that led to me purchasing medicine that I thought would be enough to kill me. (It wasn’t. Long story that I can sort of laugh at now. LOL) While I took the medication and waited for it to work, I wrote repeatedly in my journal, “Please just let me die.” About an hour later, I noticed I was still alive and excitedly realized that God wanted me to live. (Then I visited the ER and stayed in a psychiatric hospital for 4 days. Yeah, even though it was an extremely serious experience, I can laugh at that now. LOL) I’m convinced now more than ever that if I hadn’t been so angry at God back then, if I hadn’t held Him responsible for my problems, I could have been able to let Him heal me. I’m convinced now more than ever that I really just needed Him and His love. Sometime during my restoration period, He showed me that when He said, “Stay here” in Boston, He meant for me to stay in His presence, close to Him, enjoying Him and His peace. That’s what I needed.

That’s what I still need. 10 years later, God celebrated the 10th anniversary of my suicide attempt and my healing. I thought this was a very strange thing for Him to do, but His grace in doing so totally blew my mind. After I shook my fist at Him and spat in His face, He celebrates my life! I completely don’t deserve His grace or His love. But He gives it to me! (He’ll give it to whoever will let Him.) On the anniversary of what I attempted 10 years ago, I wrote and drew in my journal again. This time, I wrote, “10 years alive. 10 years finally knowing in her heart, mind, & soul what her spirit knew all along... GOD WANTS HER.” Just knowing that God wants me is one of the most freeing truths I’ve learned (and am still learning). I’m not angry with Him now, so now He can heal some of the root issues that drove me to that very dark place 10 years ago.

In John 15:16, Jesus said that I didn’t choose Him. He chose me. Ephesians 1:4 says I was chosen to be holy and blameless in God’s sight. Psalm 139:13 says that God knit me together in my mother’s womb. I don’t think He’d go to all that trouble if He didn’t want me alive. I don’t think Jesus would go to all that trouble to die on the cross for me if He didn’t want me alive spiritually and reconciled to my Father. In John 14:23, Jesus says that if I love Him and obey His teaching, that the Father will love me, and He and Jesus will come to me and make their home with me. I want that. I need that. I need to belong to someone who accepts me and will never leave me. (See also Romans 8. God my Father adopted me!)

In Matthew 22, Jesus tells a story that explains that the Kingdom of Heaven is like a king who prepares a wedding banquet for his son. He invites people who don’t come and/or ignore the invitation. If you read through it, you’ll see that it’s kind of a violent story. Rejecting the king’s invitation had some serious consequences. But the king wanted people to come to his banquet. He had his servants go out to the streets and bring anyone they could find to the banquet.

This is what my God is like. Maybe He sent a banquet invitation to someone somewhere who might be way more qualified and way more worthy than I am. But maybe they told God no. And maybe God invited me instead. Maybe He sent an invitation that said something like, “Dear Tirzah, now is your chance for Me to remove every negative label that’s been stuck to you throughout the years and replace it with a better one: ‘Mine.’ If you accept this invitation, you will be Mine. You will come to My banquet, be My guest, and enjoy My food.” When I accepted Jesus as my Savior, I got saved from the serious consequences and got adopted into a Heavenly family instead. Jesus’ death on the cross makes this all possible. I think by telling this story before He died, He was inviting anyone who was listening.

If you’re reading this, you can know God’s love and acceptance, too. You can accept Jesus as your Savior, too, because you can’t have access to God the Father except through Jesus. (See John 14:6.) In a way, God is like King Moonracer, the lion who rules over the previously unwanted toys. In a way, God is like me when I brought my new kitten home and wanted to share my private resting place with her in a way that her previous owner wouldn’t. God wants me, and I believe He wants you, too. You don’t have to be rejected. No. You can be accepted. You are not unwanted. No. You are wanted.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! :)