SEXUAL SIN!!!!!

Due to its subject matter, this post is rated R.

I think maybe this post is kindasorta in a way like a sequel to this post, but not really. I mainly just wanted to get your attention with the title. I know. I'm like that. Perhaps this post could also be titled "Things aren't always what they appear to be." One main reason why I blog is to process things -- get them out of my head and onto a computer screen where I can get a better handle on them. I'm not really hoping to initiate an online discussion with this particular post; I simply would like to share some of my processing with you. Thank you in advance for kindly taking the time to read this.

"That which has been is what will be, that which is done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9)

"Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted." (Galatians 6:1)

I don't usually keep up with the news unless coerced (which is ironic, because my current job is in journalism), but when I do see glimpses of headlines here and there, I remember them. One trend in the headlines nowadays is Bill Cosby's rape allegations. This is alarming on many levels, of course. I mean, it's Bill Cosby, America's favorite, funniest dad. The very idea of all the rape stuff being true about him is just eww. And the very possibility of any of it truly happening to those women is horrific.

And yet, another major truth is that you can't believe everything you read. I know. I work in journalism. I tweak words here and there all the time. Did you know that Columbus didn't really discover America in 1492? Did you know that America was actually discovered in 1244 by a Mayan warlord named Ichexthaxetl?

See what I did there? I completely made up that last part. You just now Googled it, didn't you? At least, I hope you did. Then you could have verified for yourself that I was just typing whatever the heck I wanted to type. I know. I'm creative.

I grew up in a household where lying was so acceptable that it was instructed. The unspoken rule was that you had to look good at all times, so you had to constantly cover your tracks. The spoken rule was that you had to make everyone else in the household look good at all times, so you weren't allowed to ruffle any outsider's feathers. One bad thing is that I have had to unravel a lot of deception out of my life throughout the years. One good thing is that I learned how to be quite diplomatic. Just ask Ichexthaxetl. He can tell you how great a year 1244 really was. (I'm kidding about that last part.)

And another good thing that came out of it was that I grew up to become a woman who is on a constant quest for truth. I mean, I currently work in journalism. I know. I'm powerful.

During my quest, I have discovered -- from what I have been told and from what I have experienced -- that things aren't always what they appear to be.

So, regarding Bill Cosby -- whose DVDs I own and whose comedy I will always enjoy, regardless -- there is the definite possibility that the media is simply slinging his name through the mud and that every word written against him is completely false. For everybody's sake, I hope that last part is the complete truth.

And regarding sexual sin, I have discovered firsthand that things are definitely not always what they appear to be. In fact, tracks are often covered up for the sake of looking good.

That definitely doesn't mean that we can't be diplomatic, cautious, or sensitive when we talk about sexual sin or sexual issues in general. In this post, I'd like to talk a little bit about my journey, and I'm honestly going to keep it as vague as I possibly can. I'm struggling with and working through some stuff, so it might be premature and unwise to talk openly about it at this point. And, more importantly, I don't want to be graphic and cause anybody to stumble (especially myself). "Oh, Tirzah, I would really like to discuss your struggle in more detail... at my house... with nobody else around... while I drug you and have my way with you." D'oh! I've been reading too many news headlines!

As I was saying, another thing I've learned during my quest/journey is just how freakin' EASY it can be to fall into sexual sin. I'm being 100% honest when I say that. I used to think it was so easy to resist. How wrong I was!

And how mistreated I was.

Revisiting my much-blogged topic of spiritual abuse, I 100% honestly would like to beat the crap out of my past mentor who totally shamed me when I confessed a sexual sin to her. (In retrospect, I understand now that I wasn't even sinning.) She immediately gave me the third degree and demanded to know what I had been doing leading up to it. We were at the altar at church. I cried in her lap.

Now that I am OUT of a spiritually abusive environment and surrounded by people who have a better handle on grace, I am learning that what happened at that spiritually abusive church altar on my mentor's lap was NOT supposed to be normal. (Hence my wanting to beat the crap out of her now. I know. I need to work on my forgiveness skills.)

So, all that to say... I can't believe everything I read about Bill Cosby.

I know firsthand what it feels like to cover up one's tracks. I know firsthand what it's like to be a victim. I know firsthand what it feels like to be preyed upon by a married man. I know firsthand what it's like for his wife to smile at you at church because she has no idea what's going on. I know firsthand what it's like for everybody to trust her husband except me. I know firsthand what it's like to reach out to somebody for help and to have that somebody do the equivalent of nothing. I know firsthand that sexual sin seems to blossom and grow the fastest when there is total isolation and no accountability.

And I also know what it's like to be wrongfully accused. The usual perpetrator is somebody named the devil. He's pretty much the universal expert on evil, and he hates my guts. (That last part was 100% true.)

To my knowledge, the only Person who ever walked this earth and lived a 100% sinless life was Jesus. That alone, coupled with the fact that He graciously hasn't zapped me off the face of the earth, is enough to make me want to cling to Him for life. I need to learn from Him. I need to abide in Him. I need to find out what makes Him tick. I want to know how He stayed so pure, all the while being tempted just like the rest of us are. He found the way out of it. And now He IS the way out of it.

So, that's the stuff that's zooming through my head this rainy autumn evening with no eyes except God's and my cats' to watch me writing this.

Ichexthaxetl says Hi. (I'm kidding about that last part.)