Impaled

Now that I'm totally free from depression, the next major issue in my life that God and I have been working on is lust. And He's shown me that lust has had a bigger hold on me than depression did. So, if you're a regular reader of my blog, I think I should give you a heads-up that you're probably going to keep getting an earful/eyeful of my processing this particular issue. This particular post will be a bit graphic (in case you can't tell from the title). Again, thank you very much in advance for reading.

"Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I declare; before they spring forth I tell you of them." (Isaiah 42:9)

"And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." (Galatians 5:24)

One major overcomer whose life is a good example to follow is Dennis Jernigan. In his book Giant Killers, he talks frankly about his lifelong battle with sexual issues, his epic freedom-encounter with Jesus, and his long, arduous time of walking out his healing. He says that since a person's sex drive is a creative drive, the devil's strategy was basically to destroy his creative calling (Dennis Jernigan is a worship leader and a very prolific songwriter) by attacking his sexuality. I found his observation to be very helpful (since I am a creative person myself).

But not everything can be blamed on the devil. Some of the stuff that trips me up is what the Bible calls my "flesh," which, from what I understand theologically, is my nature as a human being. Galatians 5 talks about how instead of walking in the flesh (which would mean having bouts of angry outbursts, jealousy, lust, etc.), I need to be walking in the Spirit (which would mean flowing in His love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, kindness, and self-control).

So, I've declared war on my flesh. From what I understand, a huge part of this war is crucifying my flesh, like Galatians 5:24 says. So, lately, I've been fascinated with the concept of "crucifixion."

Dennis Jernigan shares some very helpful stuff about this in his book. He says that one day, he was having a conversation with Jesus, who told him, "Crucifixion is not an instant death; it can be long and excruciating. The flesh does not want to die. But once you have begun the process, it will be completed." Understanding that the crucifixion of my flesh can be a long process has been extremely helpful.

Regarding "crucifixion" in general, Wikipedia has some interesting things to say about it. I think one of the Greek words for "crucify" basically means "to impale." Way back in ancient times, they used to nail people or hang people to trees as punishment for committing a crime and as a warning to other people to not commit the same crime. There seems to be a variety of ways to crucify people. In some cultures, I think they disembowel the criminals before they crucify them. In Japan, in the 1800s, they would kill the criminal first and then crucify him. In some cultures, they still crucify people as a form of capital punishment.

But regardless of the culture, the reason, or the method, it seems that the basic concept of "crucifixion" is the same no matter how it's done. When you crucify somebody, you impale him/her as a way of saying, "Hey, you! You've been doing wrong, but now you must stop. You are going to stop right there until you die. You can squirm and wiggle all you want, but you are about to kick the bucket in a gruesome, excruciatingly terrible way, and then you're going to be ancient history."

Crucifixion won't always kill a person. There is at least one ancient account of a criminal who was crucified, and then I guess pardoned while he was hanging on the cross, removed from the cross, nursed back to health, and then survived.

According to Wikipedia, some people still literally crucify themselves today, I guess as a sort of penitent religious ritual. But it isn't a ritual that will kill them. What they will do is have themselves nailed to a cross I think for a couple of hours with their legs supported, and then they'll get removed from the cross and walk away alive. While this seems like a very passionate, expressive, extreme thing to do, I kinda think maybe these literal crucifiers kinda missed the whole point of Jesus dying (and resurrecting) in the first place: He was crucified so that they wouldn't have to be.

So, the fact that Jesus willingly died in my place via crucifixion -- which is quite possibly the worst, most shameful form of capital punishment in human history -- even though He didn't ever do anything wrong, means that He loves me, to say the least. He wants me so much that He allowed Himself to be sacrificed for me.

Of course, Jesus is the ultimate Overcomer whose life is the best one to follow. Jesus fascinates me. Matthew 26 says that the religious leaders who plotted to kill Him initially planned to do so by trickery. What? You can't trick Jesus. He already knows everything. So, they ended up arresting Him not because of any crime that He committed but because He was betrayed by a friend. Judas Iscariot was a greedy [bleep]hole. Or, as Jesus put it in Matthew 26:24, it would have been better if Judas had never been born. (Hmm. I wonder if "Bohemian Rhapsody" is actually Judas Iscariot's theme song. Mama, just killed a Man...)

Speaking of [bleep]holes, I heard/read somewhere that people who have religious spirits often also deal quite heavily with lust. Many of them will be prudes in public but perverts in private. (I repeat: You can't trick Jesus. He already knows everything.) Hi, my name is Tirzah, and I'm an ex-Pharisee who is in the excruciatingly painful process of impaling her lustful nature and waiting for it to die forever. (Hi, Tirzah.)

While I've been processing my issues, my life, and my past, I sometimes think about a guy who used to play the piano at a church that my birth father pastored. For some reason, this guy had a hard time finding a place to live and a car to drive. So, my dad would pick him up at his apartment where he was living with a girl and drive him to church. This guy was a very good, very experienced pianist, but he would sometimes show up late on Sunday mornings. One time, he was playing the piano while chewing gum during the service.

Are you seeing some red flags? Good.

Eventually, since the piano guy was basically homeless, we allowed him to live in the church building for a while. This worked out fine until somebody was cleaning or working one day in the church building and found naked-man porn in the church bathroom. So, we asked the piano guy to move out of the church building. Years later, I read about him in the archives of the local newspaper. He was still homeless.

Red flags still waving? Yep.

So, a gay musician sins inside a church building and gets a slap on the wrist. I get baptized in the Holy Spirit and get sentenced to major deprogramming. It's official: I was raised by [bleep]holes.

BAH!!!

OK. Glad I got that out.

Anyway, years later, I still find myself appalled by the church piano-guy situation. Maybe I was traumatized about how that guy behaved badly while he was in a position of leadership. There's no telling how many bad spiritual "doors" he opened up inside that church building for all of us to have to deal with later.

I understand now how frickin' easy it was for him to have gotten tripped up by those issues. Lust is something that flourishes and grows like summer-drought wildfire when you're lonely and isolated. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW. So, maybe I've felt a bit traumatized by the whole thing, even years later, simply because I think about the church piano-guy and realize something rather huge: I don't want to become like him. I don't want to be the lone rangerette who gets entrusted with so much important stuff and then just poops on it all when she thinks nobody is watching.

I think in a way, that's kinda what Judas Iscariot did. From what I understand in scripture, Judas Iscariot -- of all people -- was the one who kept the disciples' money. From what I understand, Jesus trusted him with His treasure. Jesus was the only Person in human history who never sinned, never lied, never stole, never betrayed anyone, never did anything wrong, and Judas paid Him back by turning Him in to the religious leaders for 30 lousy pieces of silver. Esau was Isaac's firstborn son, and he willingly gave up his birthright for one lousy bowl of lentil soup. Oh, yeah. I come from a long line of [bleep]holes. I'm no better than they are.

But God, in His mercy and grace, makes all things new.

Isaiah 42:9 is often quoted out of context, which is unfortunate, because it's a fascinating context. The entire chapter is rich with paradox. The beginning of it talks about Jesus and His meekness. Verse 2 says that He won't cry out. Then verse 13 says that He will cry out. In fact, He does beginning in verse 14: "I have held My peace a long time, I have been still and restrained Myself. Now I will cry like a woman in labor, I will pant and gasp at once." All throughout the chapter, this meek God, this shouting God, this gentle God, this passionate God, is all about justice. (I don't think a God of justice would ever be cool with, say, a worship leader sinning in a church building.)

So, these sexual sins that tend to trip up (especially) us musical-creative people... well, they're just a perversion of the natural, physical-creative process that God created. Sure, sometimes while we're sinning, He quietly waits for us to repent (I honestly still don't really understand why He waits, but I think that's just the way He is). Then in due time, He explodes like a full-term pregnant woman and passionately creates something brand-new.

I'm looking forward to my brand-new thing. Metaphorically speaking, I hope it has shiny brown eyes, a kind smile, and looks just like Jesus.

But in the meantime, my flesh has been crucified. I am in the process of waiting for it to die. In a nutshell, I've communicated with it, "Hey, you! You've been doing wrong, but now you must stop. You are going to stop right there until you die. You can squirm and wiggle all you want, but you are about to kick the bucket in a gruesome, excruciatingly terrible way, and then you're going to be ancient history."

Perhaps one reason why I've struggled with lust for so long is because after crucifying my flesh, I've kept taking it down off its cross. I haven't let it fully die. Perhaps not realizing what I was doing, or perhaps deceived, or perhaps in full-blown rebellion, or for whatever reason, I've nursed my flesh back to health, and then it survived, and then it came back stronger than ever before.

I don't want to do that anymore. I want to crucify, impale, kill my "flesh" for good, once and for all, even if it means waiting for several decades for it to die completely.

And while I'm waiting, I might just write a song or two. (Goodbye, everybody. I've got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth...)