Teachable moments

I'm currently fasting. In telling you so, I'm not intentionally violating Matthew 6:16-18 and trying to be like all spiritual and stuff. It's just that, well, I attend a megachurch. We're doing a 21-day churchwide fast, so there are thousands of us who are currently fasting in one way or another. That ain't no big secret.

For this particular fast, I'm doing something a little bit differently than I've done in the past. When I checked with God to see how He wanted me to fast, I kept hearing the word "fresh." So, my specific instructions are that I can only eat foods that are "fresh." Or if "fresh" foods aren't available, I need to read Bible passages that are "fresh" to me while I'm eating. I've read the Bible before, but God has been highlighting specific passages for me to read while I chow down non-fresh foods, which I think has been really cool.

So, I've been eating a lot of Subway (their slogan is "Eat Fresh," so anything on their menu is up for grabs) and reading a lot of Bible verses that are brand-new to me (like Ezekiel 26, which currently has me in Bible-study-hunt suspense: Why is God so mad at Tyre???). Also, for choir events, I've been instructed to eat whatever is put in front of me, which is why I've been scarfing everything down like a madwoman. For breakfast, I've been instructed to eat unsweetened oatmeal and wash it down with black coffee.

Whew! Those are all very specific instructions. But that's how God rolls with me sometimes, especially during a fast. I mean, eating is serious business. I'm dependent on Him regarding what I can and can't eat and drink, so I kinda have to follow Him around like a lovesick puppydog to find out what's OK and what's not OK.

 

For me, what's OK is anything that is packaged with the words "guaranteed fresh." So, even junk food that I can buy at a gas station is OK for me during this particular fast. God is like, "If it says it's guaranteed fresh, that means it's guaranteed fresh." Here I've shared a photo of Lay's potato chips, Limón flavor, mis papitas favoritas, which I plan to scarf down during lunch sometime this week.

And all the "fresh" food I've been eating, physically or spiritually, has really hit the spot.

So, this past Friday night when I was at the beautiful coin laundromat, I was permitted to snack on Fritos from the vending machine because the packaging said the food was "guaranteed fresh." While I was chowing down near the dryers, a little girl saw me eating and petitioned her mother with a bit of shouting and foot-stomping. A few moments later, the little girl was eating from a freshly purchased bag of vending-machine chips while sitting on the bench next to me. I felt responsible.

Hey, I'm a leader. I'm a shepherd. That's who I am. That's what I do. I can't help that.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye." (Psalm 32:8)

Sometimes when I watch people parent their kids, and when I see them doing it the right way, I'll be like, Aww, yeah, that's how it should be done, and I'll feel a tiny bit vindicated because I was raised by [bleep]holes, and I'll feel a tiny bit robbed.

One thing that my birth parents did completely wrong -- something that they completely missed out on with me -- was doing what I think childcare experts refer to as "teachable moments." In other words, when something happens, one thing that a good parent will do is take a moment and teach a mini life lesson about that something. For example, say you go to a restaurant where there's a 45-minute wait. You power through your 45-minute wait, and you're finally seated. Then the meal is served, and the food is the best your kid has ever tasted. Your teachable moment has arrived. You can tell your kid, "Wasn't this awesome food worth waiting for? Sometimes if you really want something good, you have to wait for it. Some of the best things in life are worth waiting for." I think a teachable moment is something simple like that. Take a childhood full of teachable moments, add them all up, and you have one wise young adult.

When I was growing up, my teachable moments weren't like that. My extremely critical, harshly judgmental birth parents would have painted a completely different picture of life for me. For example, I think if we had to wait 45 minutes to be served at a restaurant, my effeminate birth father would have melodramatically almost-fainted for lack of food, and my stoic-macho birth mother would have smiled through her hunger and then hissed at the waitress behind her back. Or something like that.

My real-life teachable moments were unhealthy. They were marked with fleshly lessons on how to ignore people who were supposedly jealous of me, how to thoroughly chew people out gossipwise behind their backs, or why our family would always be better than everybody else's.

Bearing in mind that I really don't think my birth mother is saved, I can look back and see how my birth parents totally missed their chances to give me healthy teachable moments regarding sexual issues. The unspoken rule in my house was "You can do whatever you want as long as you don't have sex before you get married." Everything else was pretty much every man for himself, so to speak. For example, one time when I was home from college, I passed by my sister's bedroom. The door was open, but she and her boyfriend were fully clothed and making out while lying on her bed. Shocked, I informed my birth mother. She was pretty meh about it: "As long as they don't go all the way." Great. Way to encourage your kid's purity.

So, how have I been getting healed from all that stuff? Of course. God has been re-parenting me and giving me lots of teachable moments Himself. And I think He especially likes to do so when I'm fasting.

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly." (Psalm 84:11)

While I was getting ready this morning, for example, perhaps I was avoiding eye contact with Him or something, because He was like, "I'm not just a God that you pray to during your quiet time. I'm your Father. I can tell when you're mad at Me." I was mad at Him? I don't remember the exact words of our conversation after that, but He showed me that I was mad at Him for withholding a husband from me. (I haven't had a date in 20 years, and I haven't been cool with that.) Of course, if anger isn't dealt with properly, it could lead to bitterness, which -- as our pastor has mentioned quite a few times -- according to Hebrews 12, could lead to sexual sin. Sure, me being mad at God for not giving me a husband has led to my being bitter toward Him, which has contributed to my struggle with [insert X-rated sins here].

He and I have dealt with this before, but this morning, I needed to deal with it afresh. I mean, I think having a husband would be a good thing, Psalm 84:11-style. But maybe He's been withholding it from me because having a husband wouldn't be a good thing for me. At least, not right now. I mean, if I had gotten married before I disowned myself from my family, my husband would be stuck with them as in-laws. That would have been extremely awkward. And, not to mention, he would probably have to deal with my struggle with [insert X-rated sins here]. I wouldn't want to bring this crap into a marriage. I'm glad God is taking lots of time to let me deal with it now.

And, of course, there is always the possibility that I could never get married. I need to be OK with that. I mean, Valentine's Day is just around the corner. It's right in my face. So, my faithful Father is very cool about bringing these issues to my face, too.

I like God. He's like my Husband, my Father, and my Friend simultaneously.

(Speaking of being mad at somebody, why is God so mad at Tyre???)

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God as dear children." (Ephesians 4:31 - 5:1)

"If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall fall on me,' even the night shall be light about me; indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You." (Psalm 139:11-12)

While I was in college, my roommate came home with me at Easter. She observed that I took after my birth father a lot, saying that the way that I "maneuvered around objects" was just like him. Yes, I definitely look and walk like him.

So, my Father God totally did a teachable moment with me a few nights ago when the power went out in my entire apartment complex. Suddenly at 9:30 p.m., everything went dark, and I had to adapt. I got ready for bed by the lights of my cell phone and my laptop, and thankfully the power was restored within the hour. But while it was still dark, I don't remember His exact words, but God talked to me about my struggle with [insert X-rated sins here] and was like, "I'm letting you get to know your way around in the dark."

One reason why my lifelong struggle with [insert X-rated sins here] has been overwhelming is because when the temptations hit, they're lightning fast, and they're pretty scary. Metaphorically speaking, you've been waiting 45 minutes to eat, so you've been melodramatically almost-fainting for lack of food, and after you give in to temptation, you hiss at the devil behind his back and blame him for your struggle. (Of course, when I say "you," I mean "me.") There's really no time to submit a prayer request, there's nobody around to stop me, and it's pretty much every man for himself, so to speak.

But if I'm learning my way around in the dark, so to speak, at least I'll be able to familiarize myself with the temptations, the setups, and the armor. There's a demon staring at me? Hmm. I've got my sword handy. I can just slice through him like NO TEMPTATION HAS OVERTAKEN ME EXCEPT THAT WHICH IS COMMON TO MAN -- WAPAH!!! GO DRINK YOUR OWN VIOLENCE!!! My flesh still isn't dead, even though it's been nailed and crucified for quite some time? Hmm. I can smell its stench, even in the dark. I can just maneuver around that object and wait for it to finally kick the bucket.

If, according to my college roommate, I "maneuvered around objects" just like my birth father did, I want to maneuver around in the darkness just like God my Father does. Darkness is vague and scary, but it's definitely possible to find God in the midst of it.

Vagueness can be a scary thing. If you don't know what's coming next, you could freak out. But God has been showing me that vagueness is something that will heal legalism. I was a legalistic Pharisee. I was taught that life had to be lived a certain way, and it had to be lived that way all the time, or else; and if your life wasn't turning out a certain way, you were doing it wrong.

Well, guess what? God is comfortable with vagueness. He is the only One who is supposed to know all the answers all the time. Not me. Because I'm not God. He is. Not me. I can't even eat right now without Him.

So, during this current fast when I can eat junk food like potato chips because, as God indicated for me, "If it says it's guaranteed fresh, that means it's guaranteed fresh," that's totally a teachable moment. When I open my Bible and read it, if it says [insert truth here], that means [insert truth here]. If the Bible says so, that means it's so.

In recent months, my struggle with [insert X-rated sins here] has really come to a head, and God and I have really spent a lot of time dealing with it. It's been a long, gradual journey, and I finally began to be disgusted with my sin about a month ago. But even though those X-rated sins are really disgusting, I've found that for me personally, my X-rated sins haven't offended God as much as my unbelief has. (In the past, I've struggled with atheistic/agnostic thoughts, with wondering whether or not God exists. So, me singing in the choir this weekend to declare that I believe in Him was an "ooo!" "aaah!" I'm-punching-the-devil's-lights-out! kind of a declaration.) For me personally, God has shown me that my past unbelief was more offensive to Him than my current struggle with [insert X-rated sins here].

Speaking of college, I went to a really big Christian one. It was so big that it hired professors who were a bit too open-minded. The good news was that they encouraged deep, probing discussions from us students. The bad news was that these overly open-minded professors were complete wusses about showing us what real truth was. For example, I remember one discussion in class when a classmate was like, "If God is love, then love is God." Um, no. (Unless, of course, you choose to worship the concept of love; then it will become your god.)

Then when I joined a church in the college town, one of the requirements was to adhere to the church's statement of faith. One of these statements was that the Bible, in its original manuscripts, is the written word of God. Um... so, the English translations that I read today are totally bogus? Great. Thanks for throwing a wrench in my faith.

So, this type of crap, combined with my legalistic upbringing, combined with the spiritually abusive deprogramming that I was condemned to after I was baptized in the Holy Spirit -- all of this stuff contributed to the eroding of my faith. People have puked into my soul, and God has been scrape-cleaning it out. I think it's been quite the undertaking. But He doesn't seem worried. I daresay He delights in cleaning up my messes. Even though I find it to be thoroughly disgusting.

But He hasn't kicked me to the curb. I'm still His, and He's still mine.

And if the Bible (even in my English translation) says something like the following...

"He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them." (Psalm 145:19)

...that's guaranteed fresh. That means if it says God will fulfill my desire, hear my cry, and save me, He will. And right now, my desire is to be free from [insert X-rated sins here]. God will fulfill my desire. Because He said so.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go eat a non-fresh bowl of soup from a can while satisfying my curiosity about an age-old beef with Tyre. (Seriously, why is God so mad at Tyre???)