Recalibration

I'm not sure how to introduce this particular post, so I'm going to just jump right in.

God has been teaching me things now that He wanted me to learn back in 1999. In 1999, I was 23 years old, I lived alone, I was getting more hours at work, and I was extremely, unhealthily involved at church. 1999 was an intense year for me. I wrestled heftily with depression, and I eventually lost. (2000 was the year of my suicide attempt.) During my wrestlings, one of the chicks to whom I was accountable told me, "All of us need recalibration from time to time."

The other day, in 2015, God reminded me of that conversation that I had with my accountability chick in 1999. He showed me that I didn't just need a recalibration back then. I was dealing with some dangerous depression, and I needed help. I was around a lot of clueless church people back then. I'm glad God stepped in and protected me Himself.

In case you're not familiar with the term "recalibration," it's basically a readjustment of how something is measured. If you pick up a footlong ruler, you'll see 12 inches on one side and about 30 centimeters on the other. One side is calibrated in inches, and the other is calibrated in centimeters. If you changed your mind and wanted to measure something in meters or picas or pixels or miles instead, you'd probably have to recalibrate. (Or maybe use a different ruler altogether.)

"Dishonest scales are an abomination to the Lord, but a just weight is His delight." (Proverbs 11:1)

"Diverse weights and diverse measures, they are both alike, an abomination to the Lord." (Proverbs 20:10)

OK, so I couldn't find a Bible verse that talks about recalibration. (I think these two verses talk about double standards and cheating.) But I think it's safe to say that the way in which something is measured is very important to God. He has told me that this season for me, now in 2015, is a season of recalibration.

August 1999 was an insanely crazy month when I did not have a single day off from work. The closest thing I had to a day off was one Sunday when I worked approximately one hour to pick up and deliver something for my job. That was a terribly exhausting month.

The summer of 2015 has been very exhausting for me. In addition to the summer heat zapping my energy away, my job will only give me six vacation days this year (not counting paid holidays), so I've needed to be very careful how I use them. The other morning when I woke up, I honestly couldn't remember what day it was. I lay in bed for several minutes until I finally figured out that it was Wednesday. Gosh.

In 1999, I attended a church that constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY) kept us busy with activities that we were expected to attend. To top it off, they frowned upon entertainment. I even remember (probably in 1997 or 1998) one skit that was performed during a church service. In the skit, a girl was like, "Oh, it's Friday night! I think I'll just kick back, relax, and watch a movie." The moral of the story was... don't do that. Spend time with Jesus instead.

So, the idea that secular entertainment was practically evil... that was implanted in my brain, and God has been un-implanting it. Yes, of course it's important that I be careful about how I entertain myself. I have to be picky. I don't want to accidentally open up any bad spiritual doors. (Trust me, I have enough problems as it is.) But Joyce Meyer is right: Christians need healthy entertainment.

In 1999, I was heavily involved in a part of the church run by prophetic intercessors who were staunchly no-nonsense. We would spend many of our weekends on retreats, we would always talk about mission work, and we would spend hours praying together. And we were expected to attend a leaders' meeting pretty much every Sunday morning around 8 a.m. There's definitely nothing wrong with participating in all those activities. I just don't think that the leadership really knew how to have fun.

My church (now in 2015) prints a monthly publication. One recent issue had an article that my pastor wrote about how important it is, metaphorically speaking, to continually fill our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual tanks. (Anyone remember Baylor's Welcome Week wheel?) One way in which my pastor recharges is watching funny movies. For me, just knowing that tidbit about my pastor is healing. In the article, he said that spending time with family, friends, etc., are ways in which we can metaphorically refill our tanks. (But in the article, he said we should do what works for us.) I kinda already knew that, but since I'm not always able to do those things, I have to be creative about discovering ways to unplug, relax, and recharge.

God has definitely been helping, and He's been pretty specific. The other day, He told me, "You need to play video games." OK, no problem.

So, I recently dusted off my old netbook (which isn't really good for anything anymore except music and games) and rediscovered Pinball. There's my little computer pictured with my own personal cheerleading section. Aww, yeah.

It's kind of a weird feeling to have old, stupid ideas ripped out of your head and replaced with new, healthy ideas. I asked God yesterday if it was OK to just check out of life for a while during the video games and hit the pause button on life. God replied, "What do you think sleep is?" Indeed.

Another way I like to unplug (especially on the weekends) is listening to music with crazy chord progressions. I found a used Sarah Brightman CD at Movie Trading Company the other day, and my cats are probably sick of me singing some of it. (They are probably also embarrassed by my interpretive dancing.) Perhaps next weekend, I'll dive into some opera. (Do you dare me?)

I'm learning a lot about myself, and certain aspects of my personality are cementing pretty firmly.

I believe it was last summer (while I was unemployed) that I had a blank canvas on which to paint my "quiet time" with God. I would spend about 20 minutes worshiping on my guitar, maybe about 10 minutes reading my Bible, and about 5 minutes praying. God told me that He just wanted to show me my personality/gifting during that season: "You're not an intercessor. You're a worshiper." Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

In 1999, I enjoyed a personal songwriting Renaissance in which my guitar and I were very prolific. In 2015, I have discovered that it is easier for me to sing my prayers than to speak them. If you want me to pray fervently and effectively, put a guitar in my hands and let me go to town for at least 20 minutes.

In 1999, when I lived alone, I was constantly around the same people all the time, and one particular mentor relationship that I had was very codependent. This mentor was actually involved in several codependent relationships with other women whom she was mentoring. I saw the aftereffects of a couple of these relationships, and they weren't pretty at all.

In 2015, when I live alone with two cats, God has shown me that He's been teaching me how to be alone. He's said, "It's hard to deal with loneliness when you have people in your face all the time." Indeed.

"To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice." (Proverbs 21:3)

I think in 1999, my life was still being measured by a Pharisee's ruler: Don't do this; do that. Pray and be spiritual; don't be a human being or have fun. Redeem the time, for the days are evil; so come to our retreat this weekend, or we will assume that you are participating in sinful activities without us.

Blecch. I would much rather God measure my life with His own ruler: Love Me, love people, and don't forget to love yourself. I am not just another category in your tiny little life; I am a God who wants to seep His way into every single aspect of your tiny little life and breathe new life into it. You are in My family now, so let's enjoy this life that I've carved out for you.

I used to be a much nicer person. I used to be extremely, weirdly gracious and nauseatingly forgiving toward people... or was I? After all, I did become gravely depressed, and one major cause of depression is unforgiveness. So, now in 2015, God has been helping me pour out my heart to Him (Psalm-62 style) and resolve stuff on the inside before it officially festers into depression. He's been re-teaching me how to forgive, how to be gracious, and how to love people, and He's shown me that I originally learned how to do these things the wrong way. I am not a doormat. It's OK for me to have boundaries. It's OK for me to do things like entertain myself, pick my friends, and have fun.

As Sarah Brightman would say, it's time to say goodbye.