Still

A couple of blog posts ago, here was my gush-rambling point (even though my gush-ramblingness kinda got in the way of me saying it): If it were any other cat making messes in my home, that cat would be history... but my Macho gets to stay with me forever because he has my favorgrace -- because he's mine. In a very similar way, if I weren't God's child, He wouldn't bother putting up with all my messiness... but He works with me, helps me, and cherishes me because I have His favorgrace -- because I'm His. (And if I weren't His child, He would be working overtime to get my attention and make sure I knew that He wanted me.)

Wow! What a huge revelation! That alone should be enough to make me feel completely secure all the time, right?

Alas, wrong.

"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" (Psalm 46:10)

 

I just finished a 21-day fast (with my church). I felt led to fast TV and movies, including any non-work-related TV or movie stuff on YouTube.

I broke my fast today with a music/documentary DVD that I had brought home from work (where they sometimes give us cool free stuff), and I also just finished watching The Devil Wears Prada this evening (for the first time). That would have been a great movie to have around when I was working at my previous job -- you know, the periodical with the jerk boss that made you sell your soul to patronizingly ensure that industrial workers all over the world could get a copy of a publication that contained overwhelmingly technical information (which any engineer could get with a simple Google search) and a bunch of ads.

I heard a pastor say once that fasting is basically saying, "No." He's right: "Would you like a steak?" "No, I'll have a salad." "Would you like some iced tea?" "No, I'll have some water." So, the best boundary I knew to make for myself was to put a sticky note with the word "NO" on my DVD/VHS player. I put another one on my TV, but the note kept falling off, and by the time I realized it wouldn't stay, my entertainment-starved soul had gotten the message.

This fast was pretty challenging for me. In the past 21 days, I've encountered lots of situations at work and especially in my personal life that would have been awesome to relax from by lazing around on the couch and taking in a movie or a recorded TV show (I don't have cable or rabbit ears). So, I ended up playing some video games (skipping the option to watch a video ad to continue a game) and scrolling Facebook (skipping the shared YouTube videos) instead.

And I finally bought a new CD/cassette player. God has been pretty adamant about restoring my love of music (which was squelched pretty hard during my college Pharisee days), and He reminded me that several years ago, He told me to relax after work by listening to Andrea Bocelli. I did for a while, but I'm not sure why I stopped. Maybe life got too busy. But for these past 21 days, it's been very nice getting to listen to music like Andrea Bocelli and The Carpenters for relaxation purposes (if you see a middle-age woman headbanging to "Goodbye to Love" on the drive home from work, it's me), and it's been extremely nice getting to explore more of The Gipsy Kings' repertoire (which I might write more about later).

An important key to destressing and relaxation is stillness. Yes, a motif in my life these days seems to be stillness, as Psalm 46:10 can vouch for.

One thing God has been showing me is that 2016 will be what the year 2000 was supposed to have been for me. In 2000, I attempted suicide, and I lost almost everything in my life (even though I was still breathing). After I was released from the psych hospital, anytime I tried to have a "quiet" time, I couldn't get out of Psalm 46. God ended up keeping me in Psalm 46 for many months (if not years -- I can't remember exactly). And now in 2016, He has me in Psalm 46 again. (Sometimes He leads me to read Psalm 47, 45, or 42, but He ends up boomeranging me back to 46. You get the idea.)

Psalm 46 is fascinating. There are so many ideas in it. The one that's repeated is the one that goes, "The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge; selah." Translation: "The God who has tons of legions of angels at His beck and call is WITH YOU; the God who wrestled with the deceiver-guy and dislocated his hip wants you to HIDE YOURSELF IN HIM; He's watching over you, you're going to be OK, so just CHILL OUT." This all occurs in the middle of the mountains plunging into the sea, you're in trouble, and your entire world is pretty much falling apart. When this happens, Psalm 46 says it's going to be OK, because God is God.

It also says in verse 9 that God can instantly stop the wars and the turmoil and the world-falling-apart-ness that happens inside your head. A friend tried to tell me this a long time ago, and she was right. Psalm 46:9 says that if there's a chariot or spear headed right at you, He can stop it, and then the war will be over right then and there.

And I've also experienced the fact that some wars cease gradually, but Psalm 46:10 says to be STILL and know that He is God.

So, this God who wants to come to my rescue every time I'm in trouble... um, He knows me. Like, He really really really really really knows me... better than I know myself.

Going back to His idea of my 2016 being what my 2000 was supposed to have been all along -- translation: God restoring to me the things that I lost --

My life in 2000:

- I had a job where I was respected

- I was a leader in my church

- I believed I was called to some sort of ministry

- I was involved with music at my church in several different ways

- I had very close friends and was involved in a community

My life in 2016:

- I have a job where I am respected

- I am leader in my church choir

- I am definitely called to the ministry

- I am looking for ways to become more involved in the music at my church

- I have at least one close friend and am rather deeply rooted in a community

Cool. All of that restoration didn't happen overnight. All of that was definitely God.

Sure, there were plenty of times when my world was completely falling apart. There were times when I cried buckets of tears to God, there were times when I got hurt, and there were times when I opened my Bible and was desperate for God to show me what to do in certain situations. But I gotta say... it's all OK, because God is God.

He keeps telling me to just show up and be myself. Maybe that's because that's exactly what HE does.

So, He knows what He's doing, and I'm happy to just hold on to Him and let Him keep doing His thang. Because He knows me, and He knows His plans, thoughts, and purposes for me. And they're bigger than me. And so is He.

Speaking of stillness, I had to drop my cat Macho off at the vet yesterday (brace yourself for some possible TMI) because he has a urinary blockage and is getting flushed out. While he's been away for the weekend, I've noticed that my home is much quieter without him around. He truly is the spokescat of my feline tribe. This confirms what I knew all along: Macho is the loud, clingy one, and Choochie is the quiet, independent one. (Even though Macho is the introvert who hides from people, and Choochie is the extrovert who explores/climbs on people.)

Even though I like the stillness, I miss having my Macho drama queen around. Yes, of course he reminds me of myself. With him, it isn't "I'm hungry." It's "I'M HUNGRY NOW! WOW!!" While I was in the vet's waiting room yesterday waiting for test results, a customer walked in, and Macho meow-howled from across the other end of the building. "That's my cat," I explained to the customer.

I'm sure God has similar feelings about me. Maybe in heaven, the angels approach Him and are like, "Um, Lord, there's a problem at such-and-such church." And God just smiles, sighs, looks down on earth and says, "That's My Tirzah. I know that hunger-squeal from a million miles away. Drop an Amplified Bible into her lap and make sure she knows Psalm 46:10 backwards [behind, toward the back] and forwards [at the front, at the beginning]."

I'm God's child. This God of angel-hosts, hip-dislocations, and cease-fires is with me. I'm OK.