Two lists

This evening, as a prelude to working on a writing project, I decided to write this blog post as a warmup. Not a pity party or an advice magnet. Just a warmup.

I understand that my independence is God's gift to me, and I love it. I have no intention of getting married anymore. (I mean, how could I pick from all those dozens of suitors that keep fighting over me? Laughing out loud!) The physical desire for marriage is still there, but emotionally I am 100% happy being single and staying that way forever. (If I were to ever get married at this point in my life, the poor guy would just be a live-in booty call. Just keeping it real.) And although I used to want to have dozens of children, I stopped wanting to have kids a long time ago. (Menopause is just around the corner, and why would I want to adopt a kid and raise him/her all by myself? No way.) So, what I'm about to write is sincere and humorous simultaneously.

So, here are my DISADVANTAGES OF LIVING ALONE WITH CAT:

1) When my back itches, I have to use my remote control or my hair dryer as a back scratcher.

2) I always have to take out my own garbage.

3) Valentine's Day royally sucks every year.

4) The Bible ain't kidding when it says that two are better than one because they get a better reward for their labor. Lately, all my 40-hour-a-week labor has left me with is a small pile of unpaid bills. That is a lousy reward.

5) I am unable to express myself sexually God's way (e.g., through marriage), which is a huge bummer whenever the hormones hit. Just keeping it real.

And here are my ADVANTAGES OF LIVING ALONE WITH CAT:

1) I don't have to take anyone out for a walk or keep anyone on a leash.

2) I can reserve all of the human food in my home for myself without any guilt trips.

3) If my checkbook has been balanced incorrectly, there's no question as to who messed up.

4) I don't need to ask anyone's permission to bring home takeout for dinner, go shopping, work overtime, participate in an extra activity, or stay out late.

5) If I need to wake up early in the morning (which honestly can happen anytime between 3:30 a.m. and 6 a.m. on a regular basis), I don't have to worry about disturbing anyone except the neighbors.

6) I can sing those crazy vocal exercises whenever I need to, not worrying about disturbing anyone except the neighbors.

7) Since I'm pretty stingy with the electric bill, I can keep the lights or the heat as low as I want.

8) I don't need to be considerate of other people when I'm spending time in the bathroom.

9) My imagination and creativity are continually sharpened. (No offense, married people, but it is possible to have a life without a spouse and without children. There is no need to force my life into your box of comprehension.)

10) My cat's continually sharpened claws continually sharpen my cat-like reflexes.

11) If I have an emotional meltdown while I'm at home, I don't have to apologize to anyone or explain myself. I can just have a good cry with God, and my cat will probably just keep grooming or napping as if nothing unusual were happening.

12) I can pump my own gas, check the air pressure on my own tires, and get my own car serviced -- and still be a heterosexual female while doing it.

13) Planning, picking, buying, and hauling my own groceries is always a natural high. And a life-workout. Especially when coupons are involved.

14) Whenever I make a decision, the only Person I need to consult with is God. (I love my cat, but she doesn't get to weigh in on any decisions. Unless she were to get a job.)

15) Despite what you may think or what people may tell you, family holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas can actually be pretty cool when you're single -- if you have people to spend them with. (The first year or two were hard for me, but then they got better.) And my cat honestly couldn't care less.

16) Whenever I wash dishes or load the dishwasher, I know that I'm the only one who dirtied those dishes -- and I don't have to give or take feedback about it to or from anybody.

17) I get to wear my hair, dress up in my clothes, and decorate my apartment however the heck I want -- without having to please anybody.

18) I don't have any offspring to throw into the mix of my family / non-family dynamics. Egad, that would be complicated.

19) When I'm at church and the pastor prays for "every family represented here," I get that household prayer all to myself (and my cat).

20) If I ever feel like composing a song or writing a blog post or doing anything that requires private creativity, I don't have to shoo anyone out of my home or struggle to find a quiet place to do it. I can just do it.

OK, so this turned out to be a pretty big warmup. But the second list is longer. Sunglasses smiley.