In the midst of it

In case you haven't noticed, I'm a very ceremonious person -- a sentimental pile of ooze. Every time I either start or end something big, I like to commemorate the occasion with something tangible like a blog post. (Or at least a Facebook post.) In days of yore before the internet existed, if I were rich, perhaps I would invite friends over to my mansion for a dinner party and offer a toast.

But today, I am neither starting nor ending anything big. Today, I am still living in the midst of an extended trial which, in the grand scheme of things, is still a relatively short season. And I wanted to write some stuff down before I forget it.

 

Almost every Monday through Friday, I eat lunch in my car. I like to park in the same spot, in front of the same tree, whenever possible. (So I won't forget where I park, and so I'll know that my car will be OK.) This is a picture of my view at lunchtime. This is significant because in the middle of my day, I sometimes need to unload a little bit. So, I'll eat my bologna or pickle loaf sandwich and chitchat with God. How's it going? He never changes. Maybe I'll vent to Him about something. Maybe I'll ask Him if I'm doing everything right or if I need to change anything. Maybe He'll encourage me. Or maybe He'll just stay quiet and let me talk or let me think. (Which, frankly, is something that my earthly father rarely did.)

In order to snap this photo that I've shared, I lifted up my car's visor (which I usually keep down). I noticed after I took the picture that that newly planted little tree has really grown since I've started working at my current job.

I hope I've been growing, too.

"Then they said to Moses, 'Because there were no graves in Egypt, have you taken us away to die in the wilderness? Why have you so dealt with us, to bring us up out of Egypt?' " (Exodus 14:11)

"And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 8:2-3)

When I adopted MeepMeep seven months ago, I was unemployed and living on eggs, oatmeal, and popcorn. So, she doesn't love me for my money. I've made a home with her. She inherited everything that used to belong to Choochie and Macho, and I've made some adjustments according to her needs, preferences, and personality.

She doesn't really need much. I mean, she used to live outside. She plays with her tail. (While I was writing this post, she was hunting a lizard through the window.) All she really needs from me is food, water, litterbox, items to scratch on, places to sleep on, time, space, and lots of love. She has everything she needs with me.

And we've bonded. Maybe in the future if/when I become financially better off, and I'm able to buy her more cat accessories... will she really need them? I think she really just needs ME.

It's kind of the same way with God, of course.

Maybe in the future if/when I become more prosperous financially, emotionally, or even socially, and I'm able to participate in more church events, be a part of more ministries, or become more of an influence in the body of Christ... will any of that really matter to me? I guess it would all be fun and cool, but I really just need GOD.

I hope I never forget this season. And I hope I never forget the lessons I'm learning. Here are a few of the big ones.

1) The people who you thought would be there for you may end up abandoning you. This is kind of sad, but Jesus experienced it, too, when He went to the cross. And I'll never be any better than Him.

I think I already learned this lesson years ago, but it's been interesting to have it reinforced in this season. Especially when "Christians" kick you to the curb in the name of a higher cause. But on the other hand...

2) The people who are there for you during your deepest, darkest days are the people who you'll probably be able to count on for the rest of your life. That's how you can identify faithfulness in a person: They show up ESPECIALLY when it's hard for them to do so.

3) Sometimes God lets you experience something so that you'll know firsthand how NOT to treat somebody. Which I've learned before but am learning again in another context. I've been having yet another lesson in how NOT to manage people -- a lesson learned by not being managed well. In my current job, we are encouraged to work independently, but we are rarely checked on, so we often have to fend for ourselves. This results in laziness, gossip, rule-breaking, and a generally poor work ethic. (Which I think is one reason why God told me beforehand to tighten up my own work ethic.)

People need guidance and leadership. People need somebody to go to when they have questions or feedback. People need an atmosphere in which they can healthily express their concerns, instead of constantly having their concerns invalidated or squelched. This can lead to putting on a fake smile and pretending/believing in faith that everything is OK, when it's not, and you're applying for jobs behind your boss' back. (I became somewhat of an expert at this whitewashed sort of behavior while I was growing up in a Pharisee's house.)

If I ever become a manager again someday, I hope I can be the kind of person that people can appropriately lean on.

4) I might not need as much as I thought I did. During these past few months, money has been extremely tight. I've been watching my bank account like a ravenous hawk. I've made many adjustments, and I've had some close calls. One week, all I had left was $1.94; and what a glorious $1.94 it was! I haven't been overdrawn at the bank. God has been taking extremely good care of me.

He told me awhile back that someday I would look back on this season and laugh. I gotta say, some of the things I've been doing to scrimp and pinch have been hilarious. Just to name a few, I've reused dryer sheets, I've ripped paper towels in half, and I've prepared cold ramen soup for dinner in my car.

And I haven't died. I'm still alive and kicking.

In this season, I haven't really been playing my guitar or my piano, and I sometimes wonder if it's been wrong of me to neglect that part of my life. (I've been singing, but the guitar sometimes hurts my wrist, and the piano doesn't always fit into my schedule.) Then God reminds me that I'm in a season of survival. Right now, the tasks I need to focus on are earning money, staying alive, and being ready for God to move me or promote me when it's time for Him to do so. Musical pursuits will always be there for me to tackle in the future.

Not to mention, I'm learning that MANY musicians live this type of starving-artist lifestyle, even in an affluent church, so I think I'm in good company. (Why, yes, of course I'll be able to serve on the platform that day. There will be free food, right? I mean, um... I love Jesus.)

5) God is even more caring and loving than we sometimes give Him credit for. Yesterday, I got the oil changed in my car, which is a big deal because I'd been praying that I would have enough money to pay for it. Some time later, I told God thank You, and He said quietly, "I did it for you. I didn't do it for My glory."

Yes, when we go through trials, etc., an important goal is to make sure that God is glorified through it. But what it all boils down to is that He's just a good Father, period.

He continued our conversation today: "When you feed your cat, do you do it because you love her, or do you do it so that you'll be glorified as a good cat mama?" Well... I do it because I want her to have everything she needs.

And that's why God provides for me, too. That's why He does it for all of us.

I know I won't always get to eat lunch in my car in the same spot, in front of the same tree. But I'll remember the times I shared with Him there. I hope I'll never forget the ways that I've bonded with Him during this time in my life. I'll remember this crazy-short yet crazy-long season when He kept me alive during a famine, when He held my hand through the wilderness, and when He slowly helped me cross the Red Sea on dry land... on my way to my promised land.