Desert reflections

“Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” (Psalm 62:8)

When I went through a round of psychotherapy about four years ago, my therapist instructed me to journal. I ended up doing so in a spiral notebook for a month and a half. I had forgotten about it until I found the notebook in a box recently. WOW. I was a psycho nut job. There were a couple of pages where I had had a terrible day at work and vented in my journal with a ton of profanity. The issues I was working through at the time were loneliness, rejection, abandonment, and neglect. Um, sound familiar? (No worries, I know why I deal with those, and now I know when they flare up.) I’ve been working through these recently again, probably at a different level/layer, probably at a different intensity.

Perhaps the fact that I’ve been working through them yet again is actually an answer to my own prayer at the end of that spiral-notebook journal: “Thank You for my issues. Help me to work through them completely, and help me to use them to catapult me into Your arms.”

That’s true, you know. Sometimes a crisis drives you to the Word, or drives you to seek God’s face more intensely than you’ve ever sought it before. Because you’re desperate. You need answers. You need freedom. You need peace. You need Him, and you can’t rest until you find Him.

And sometimes we just carry stuff inside us that we don’t know is there. The safest place to squeeze/pour it out is in God’s presence. And sometimes God takes us to a special place where we can do just that.

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her.” (Hosea 2:14)

“Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine.” (Psalm 33:18-19)

I think I might be ripping off a flagship Bible verse of a local ministry, but Hosea 2:14 can describe what happens when God pulls us aside for a brief season and lets us work through stuff privately.

Today while I was talking through some worries/concerns/stuff with God, He reminded me that a desert is SUPPOSED TO be hard. It’s supposed to have extreme conditions – cold at night, unbearably hot during the day, no water, cacti that contain their own water sources just so that they can survive there. Why would a loving God create places like this? I believe it’s to remind us of what a hard season is like.

From what I understand, even Jesus went through a desert. Matthew chapter 4 says that he was led into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. When we talk about this passage, we usually focus on what happened AFTER He spent 40 days in the wilderness: The devil tempted Him, and He overcame those temptations. But what about during those 40 days when He was fasting? Did He work through some emotional stuff? Did He kick and scream? The Bible doesn’t say. (Regardless, He made it through that rough patch without sinning.) Jesus is God, but He’s also human, and I think maybe even He needed some privacy for 40 days. And when it was over, He began His ministry. I guess you could say He entered His “promised land.”

As you probably know, I’m nearing the end of a hard season financially. I’ve dropped a full pants size (at least) because I can’t afford to buy as much food as I used to. I’ve lost so much weight that I’ve discovered bones on my skeleton that I didn’t know I had. I’m incredibly behind on several of my credit accounts, and I’ve been praying that they won’t sue me. The best news I had today was that my current electric bill, after that huge heat wave that we experienced in my area, is only $69 and some change.

But, speaking of change, I feel that it’s coming my way soon. I felt God’s pleasure over me today as He said, “You’ve had enough.” I also felt like He reminded me of how we’re always surrounded by so much harvest during the fall season (which is just around the corner). I felt like He said that I would see a “bumper crop.”

That would rock my world.

But meanwhile – as crazy as this may sound – I’m content here in the desert, where I haven’t gone hungry, I haven’t been without appropriate clothing, I haven’t lost my mind, and I haven’t died. (Or, hopefully, only my “self” has died.) And – as crazier as this may sound – I might even miss it after I leave.

 

MeepMeep is in heat (again) as I write this, so her feline expressions are currently intensified. Her emotions are more aggressive than usual. And her separation anxiety is pretty acute. When she freaks out, calming her down isn’t a formula, so I have to see what kind of mood she’s in to see what will work. In this photo, she joined me on the couch after I whistled at her. See how relaxed and adorable she is here?

I feel like she’s gotten to know my character during her little crises. She knows I’ll never leave her, she knows I want what’s best for her, she knows I won’t give up on her just because she’s going a little crazy, she knows I’m patient and gentle with her... and she knows I’ll put my foot down if I need to. (I mean, Mama needs to sleep, right?)

I’m sure you know where I’m going with this analogy.

It’s in the hard, rough, dry places that we get to experience the parts of God’s character that we may have never experienced before. When we’re dealing with our mess, and when He rolls up His sleeves and comes alongside us to help us clean it up, we bond with Him. Then after we make it through our rough patch, we won’t want to leave His side, because we know we can’t make it through life without Him.

The trials, the rough places, the deserts – they eventually end up catapulting us into the arms of God.

Brazen reflections

God told me that I would look back on this season someday and laugh. I think I’ve already been laughing at the crazy situations I’ve found myself in. I guess that’s just the nature of survival.

One day, I took a bag full of change to the grocery store and bought a week’s worth of food for $1.88. Another time, I sold a huge stack of books to a bookstore for 78 cents. I’ve been popping popcorn to eat with my lunches because it’s cheaper than buying potato chips. I discovered that you can buy a bag of 100 corn tortillas for $1.99, so I’ve been buying those and making my own tostadas. A few of my creditors have been relentless with me, and I’ve continued to brazenly communicate to them that I can only afford to send them a tiny little amount every month right now.

I think I’ve mastered the arts of coasting and using cruise control to save gas. One time, I dug through a box in my closet and fished out a couple of old sewing kits so that I could mend a pair of pants (instead of buying a new one). During this really hot summer we’ve been having, I’ve gotten used to keeping my apartment’s thermostat set to 81 while I’m gone during the day and anywhere from 78 to 83 while I’m here; I’ve sat in the dark so that I wouldn’t have to turn any lights on; my cat doesn’t seem to mind, and my electricity is free between 9 p.m. and 6 a.m. (I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do.)

 

But one day, I chopped up a Slim Jim and turned it into chilaquiles. And the other day, I drove nearly half a mile on a flat tire, on purpose, because I thought maybe my car could make it to the tire store. (I really don’t recommend doing anything that I mentioned in this paragraph. Kids, don’t try this at home.)

And I recently started writing sci-fi and fantasy stories, just because they’re genres that actually pay money. (THAT came out of left field. I’m pretty sure it’s God’s idea, because He likes to keep stuff like that up His sleeve.) I haven’t finished, submitted, or sold anything in these genres just yet; but when I do, I think the magazines are going to be dealing with a brazenly seasoned writer, rather than the timid little amateur that I was a couple of decades ago.

I’ve turned down job opportunities because 1) they would have violated an agreement that I made with my previous employer, or 2) the work could have made me stumble, or 3) the hours would have completely conflicted with my church commitments. I’ve been honest with people, I’ve been assertive with people, I’ve tried to be careful with people, and I’ve been in the process of forgiving people. I’ve waited and waited and waited and waited and waited. And I’ve been just plain crazy.

But I don’t think I’m the only crazy one.

“Then the Lord awoke as from sleep, like a mighty man who shouts because of wine. And He beat back His enemies; He put them to a perpetual reproach.” (Psalm 78:65-66)

I think God is proud of the way that He’s been taking care of me during this crazy season. The day that He provided a way for me to buy a couple of new tires, I saw a picture of Him proudly standing over me. I was a little bit frightened until He leaned down and asked, “Who’s your Daddy?”

I knew where He was going with this. “You’re my Daddy,” I replied sheepishly.

If I remember correctly, our “Who’s your Daddy, You’re my Daddy” exchange continued in my spirit for a while that day.

I don’t remember the exact words of our conversation, but think I also asked Him, “Life requires money. Can I please have some money?” His reply was basically, “So you ARE worth it.” He reminded me of previous conversations we’ve had where He’s impressed on my heart, “Don’t regret living your life.” In other words, don’t regret spending (or borrowing) money when you needed to. Because you were just living your life. If you regret living your life, well... then you could end up in a psych hospital. (Kids, for real, don’t try this at home.)

As I look back on these past 11 months, I’m amazed at how God has been carrying me through. He’s helped me avoid snakes and scorpions in this dangerously hot desert, just like He said He would. I’ve prayed for Him to multiply my resources, and when He does, I look at my bank account – or the food in my kitchen, or the toilet paper in my bathroom, or whatever it is that I was needing – and I’m like... Wow, You did it. And He’s like... Well, you asked Me to. He’s gotten in my face and insisted that He has a reputation to uphold.

Indeed, He does.

“He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” (Psalm 23:3)

“He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me.” (Psalm 18:19)

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

I’m learning how to take things one day at a time. I’m learning how to be OK with keeping some things a mystery. I’ve had to make some attitude adjustments, I’ve had to make some health and lifestyle adjustments, I’ve had to make some entertainment adjustments, and I’ve had to make some relational adjustments. I’m confident that it’s because I’ve needed to change, and I think it’s also because God has needed to prepare me for the next step.

You’re almost there, Tirzah. Just a little more. Keep going. You can do it!!!

Validating, dancing, and leaning

I have a few different ideas swirling around in my head for this post, but I’ll try to combine them in a way that makes sense.

Lately, I’ve been watching a lot of web-based cooking shows on YouTube (each video is usually around 5 to 10 minutes long or so). I’m not a foodie, honest; it’s just that watching rated-G cooking shows doesn’t make me stumble. Since I don’t have a mom anymore, it’s nice to get cooking ideas from other people. And I’ve always enjoyed watching teachers do their thang.

I stumbled on a few shows that are especially interesting: Great Depression Cooking, Trailer Park Cookin, and Simply Sara. When I first started watching these, I was like... whoa, they cook just like I do. They use what they have. They don’t have fancy ingredients, so they just make do. And they don’t get all hoity-toity like the foodies on cable TV shows do; they’re not ashamed to use the processed foods that you can buy at Dollar Tree.

The host of Trailer Park Cookin really went off during one of her episodes and was like... when you’re a single mom who has to feed her kids but makes too much money to qualify for food stamps, you have to either go to a food bank or buy stuff that’s extra cheap, and it’s going to be fattening comfort food, so don’t judge me. You go, trailer park lady. I ate a Slim Jim sandwich for lunch the other day, so I’m right there with ya.

So, these YouTube shows are entertaining and educational to watch, but frankly they’re just validating for me.

 

“The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me -- a prayer to the God of my life.” (Psalm 42:8)

MeepMeep has been in heat this past week, but I think I’ve gotten used to this process. And I think her overly potent hormones have been working their way out of her system. The way her condition has been manifesting itself has been more through separation anxiety and a skyrocketed energy, and less through her little exotic dance. She wakes me up in the middle of the night demanding affection, and during the day she demands that I play with her. Lately, her feet will stiffen, and I’ll play with her by twirling her around on the couch or the floor like a little feline pinwheel. And for those times when she absolutely needs to bust out in her little exotic dance, I gave her her own playlist on my phone. (The first song on the list is the “Macarena.” It’s OK to laugh.)

When she howls for me across the apartment (or even just a few feet away from me in the same room), I can often calm her down by whistling at her. She’ll usually trot over to where I am and sometimes sniff my lips (or playfully bite my chin). Trying to convince her that I’m a female human (rather than a boy cat) has been kind of a slow-going journey, but I’ve been learning how to handle her because I’ve spent time with her and have gotten to know her. I think she’s learning that she can trust me because I’ve been consistent with her. (And later this week when she gets back to normal, she’ll resume her regular routine and I’ll get to sleep through the night again.)

Of course, the way that God handles me always comes from Him knowing me, too.

The other day when I got off work and popped a CD into my car’s stereo, I felt like listening to “Hey,” a Julio Iglesias song from my childhood. I felt like God wanted me to shut up (rather than sing along) and pay attention to the first verse so that He could sing it to me. It goes something like... Hey, it’s wonderful to see you once again, to see you smile and hear you call My name; there is so much to say. I think I may have ended up singing the chorus to Him, which goes something like... It’s true; I’ve had so many other loves to share, but I could close my eyes and You’ll be there; no matter where I go, You are everywhere.

That was a beautiful car ride home, and God and I enjoyed a very nice evening together. He’s like my Father, my Husband, my Boyfriend, my Friend, and my God all wrapped in One.

During most of my “quiet times” at night, lately He’s shown me a specific psalm to read. He usually ends up sending me to a psalm or a verse/passage that described my day. During that particular Julio-Iglesias evening, He led me to Psalm 42 (which is significant to me because that’s my age), and verse 5 jumped out at me: “The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His SONG shall be with me.” Because He sang over me.

He knows exactly where I am. He knows exactly what I need. He knows me.

“Who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved?” (Song of Solomon 8:5a)

In these days as I’m wrapping up a season of sorts, my prayer is that I’ll come out of the wilderness leaning on my Beloved. I don’t want to leave this season bitterly. I don’t want to leave this season defensively. I don’t want to leave this season fearfully. I want to leave this season in love with and in awe of the One who has lovingly taken care of me every step of the way.

Wasn’t that the whole point of God taking the Israelites through the wilderness in the first place? So that they could worship Him? Maybe He wanted them to learn how to love Him. That’s what happens when you’re dependent on Someone to feed you your next meal or lead you to your next destination -- in a place where the conditions are so harsh that you would surely die otherwise.

You bond with them forever.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy for putting myself through all this. I wonder if I’m just being foolish or immature. But what if I actually heard God? What if I’m actually just obeying Him? What if I’m really just following Him? What if He’s actually leading me very meticulously through very rough terrain? And what if this is my one chance to get it right?

Knowing that other people have gone through similar rough patches helps me to validate my own. Seeing how I’ve grown to patiently interact with my little exotic dancer helps me to understand how God patiently interacts with me whenever I go a little crazy. Hearing God sing over me in the wilderness just makes it all worth it.

You gotta go through the wilderness to get to the promised land. Ain’t no way around that. Just hold tight to the One who knows the way.