Brazen reflections

God told me that I would look back on this season someday and laugh. I think I’ve already been laughing at the crazy situations I’ve found myself in. I guess that’s just the nature of survival.

One day, I took a bag full of change to the grocery store and bought a week’s worth of food for $1.88. Another time, I sold a huge stack of books to a bookstore for 78 cents. I’ve been popping popcorn to eat with my lunches because it’s cheaper than buying potato chips. I discovered that you can buy a bag of 100 corn tortillas for $1.99, so I’ve been buying those and making my own tostadas. A few of my creditors have been relentless with me, and I’ve continued to brazenly communicate to them that I can only afford to send them a tiny little amount every month right now.

I think I’ve mastered the arts of coasting and using cruise control to save gas. One time, I dug through a box in my closet and fished out a couple of old sewing kits so that I could mend a pair of pants (instead of buying a new one). During this really hot summer we’ve been having, I’ve gotten used to keeping my apartment’s thermostat set to 81 while I’m gone during the day and anywhere from 78 to 83 while I’m here; I’ve sat in the dark so that I wouldn’t have to turn any lights on; my cat doesn’t seem to mind, and my electricity is free between 9 p.m. and 6 a.m. (I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do.)

 

But one day, I chopped up a Slim Jim and turned it into chilaquiles. And the other day, I drove nearly half a mile on a flat tire, on purpose, because I thought maybe my car could make it to the tire store. (I really don’t recommend doing anything that I mentioned in this paragraph. Kids, don’t try this at home.)

And I recently started writing sci-fi and fantasy stories, just because they’re genres that actually pay money. (THAT came out of left field. I’m pretty sure it’s God’s idea, because He likes to keep stuff like that up His sleeve.) I haven’t finished, submitted, or sold anything in these genres just yet; but when I do, I think the magazines are going to be dealing with a brazenly seasoned writer, rather than the timid little amateur that I was a couple of decades ago.

I’ve turned down job opportunities because 1) they would have violated an agreement that I made with my previous employer, or 2) the work could have made me stumble, or 3) the hours would have completely conflicted with my church commitments. I’ve been honest with people, I’ve been assertive with people, I’ve tried to be careful with people, and I’ve been in the process of forgiving people. I’ve waited and waited and waited and waited and waited. And I’ve been just plain crazy.

But I don’t think I’m the only crazy one.

“Then the Lord awoke as from sleep, like a mighty man who shouts because of wine. And He beat back His enemies; He put them to a perpetual reproach.” (Psalm 78:65-66)

I think God is proud of the way that He’s been taking care of me during this crazy season. The day that He provided a way for me to buy a couple of new tires, I saw a picture of Him proudly standing over me. I was a little bit frightened until He leaned down and asked, “Who’s your Daddy?”

I knew where He was going with this. “You’re my Daddy,” I replied sheepishly.

If I remember correctly, our “Who’s your Daddy, You’re my Daddy” exchange continued in my spirit for a while that day.

I don’t remember the exact words of our conversation, but think I also asked Him, “Life requires money. Can I please have some money?” His reply was basically, “So you ARE worth it.” He reminded me of previous conversations we’ve had where He’s impressed on my heart, “Don’t regret living your life.” In other words, don’t regret spending (or borrowing) money when you needed to. Because you were just living your life. If you regret living your life, well... then you could end up in a psych hospital. (Kids, for real, don’t try this at home.)

As I look back on these past 11 months, I’m amazed at how God has been carrying me through. He’s helped me avoid snakes and scorpions in this dangerously hot desert, just like He said He would. I’ve prayed for Him to multiply my resources, and when He does, I look at my bank account – or the food in my kitchen, or the toilet paper in my bathroom, or whatever it is that I was needing – and I’m like... Wow, You did it. And He’s like... Well, you asked Me to. He’s gotten in my face and insisted that He has a reputation to uphold.

Indeed, He does.

“He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” (Psalm 23:3)

“He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me.” (Psalm 18:19)

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

I’m learning how to take things one day at a time. I’m learning how to be OK with keeping some things a mystery. I’ve had to make some attitude adjustments, I’ve had to make some health and lifestyle adjustments, I’ve had to make some entertainment adjustments, and I’ve had to make some relational adjustments. I’m confident that it’s because I’ve needed to change, and I think it’s also because God has needed to prepare me for the next step.

You’re almost there, Tirzah. Just a little more. Keep going. You can do it!!!