Restored

Last weekend, I was looking for something fun to do by myself, so I dug an old jigsaw puzzle out of my closet. I picked that particular puzzle because it was small and seemed easy. Nope. It actually turned out to be pretty complicated due to the colors and patterns being similar and -- not to mention -- due to one of the pieces being broken. I was running out of time that particular day, so I put it away so I could finish it later.

This morning, I was spending some time with God and felt like He told me to resume working on the puzzle -- that He and I could work on it together. OH, MY GOSH, IT WENT SO MUCH FASTER WITH HIM HELPING ME. I didn’t have to manipulate any of the pieces to fit; the ones that fit did so quickly, snugly, and obviously. I think we were done in about 15 or 20 minutes.

It’s cool how God will make life fit together the right way if we let Him.

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I’ve been struggling financially and that I’ve been looking for work again and thinking through what to do next. I think I’ve found a few answers. (Although there are plenty of answers that I don’t really need to know yet.) I applied to go back to school part-time, I got accepted, and lately I’ve been in the process of looking for work that would let me go to school and let me follow through on my current responsibilities.

I would like to offer a disclaimer on what I’m about to say. Please understand that I’m not trying to dishonor, disrespect, or slander anybody. I’m just trying to tell my story.

In 1994, I graduated from high school and went away to college. I didn’t have a perfect experience, but overall I had the time of my life there. What enabled me to attend college was the fact that I had a four-year tuition scholarship, and what helped was 15 hours of AP credit that I had earned in high school. I was a semester ahead of most of my peers, and I was even taking honors classes and preparing to write a thesis.

Then one day, Dad asked me if there was any way possible that I could graduate a semester early because the longer I was in school, the more money it would cost him and Mom. Frankly, since my tuition was already paid for, and since I had financial aid and had been working during the summers and holidays, it really wasn’t costing my parents much to send me to college.

But what could I do? I agreed to graduate a semester early. I forfeited a semester’s worth of my tuition scholarship, I pulled out of the honors program, and I didn’t get to graduate with my class. But I did get to graduate with some new friends who were finishing school in 4 1/2 or 5 1/2 years. I graduated after 3 1/2 years, and I was 21 years old.

Fast forward to recently, maybe about two weeks ago: I was praying about my life (which has kind of taken over my prayer time in recent years), and I felt like God told me something important. I’ve been struggling financially because I haven’t been able to find a job in my degree field or some steady freelance work. I was wondering if maybe I’ve been doing something wrong -- if maybe I’ve been missing something. So, while I was praying, I felt like God showed me that all of this struggle hasn’t been happening because I’m a loser. It’s been happening because He’s restoring SCHOOL back to me.

I graduated a semester early -- in December 1997, when I was 21 years old. I didn’t get to go back to school in January 1998. Now I’m going to go back to school in January 2019 -- 21 years later, when I’m 42 years old. I think the reason why I haven’t been able to make it work financially is because God has restored me to that same state that I was in when I was 21. I was penniless then, and I’m penniless now. I was a starving artist then, and I’m a starving artist now. I was youthful then, and I’m youthful now.

“... who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” (Psalm 103:5)

I really believe that God has restored my youth. I look in the mirror, and I see that little kid staring back at me. (I took this photo a few weeks ago in a parking garage right before a job interview.) I even weigh a little bit less than I did when I was 21. People ask me how old I am, and they’re shocked when I tell them that I’m 42. People have told me that I look like a college student.

But hopefully I’m wiser than I was half my lifetime ago. Hopefully I’ve worked through a good deal of bitterness that tends to grow on you like barnacles after the ocean of life slaps you around a few times. And hopefully I’ve let God restore some of my innocence.

I’ve gotten kind of tired of starting over in life (because I’ve done it multiple times), but I’m very glad and very thankful that I get to do so again. Because I know why now. In this old blog post, I mentioned how I’ve been keeping one of my shelves empty for school books. It looks like I’m going to get to fill that shelf now.

Do I know exactly how it’s going to happen? No, of course not. I don’t know what tomorrow’s going to look like. I don’t even know how I’m going to pay for it. But do I need to? Why can’t I just trust God -- especially if He asks me to?

Last week, I started a seasonal job part-time at a retail store. I’m on a team that unloads and unpacks the merchandise and puts it on display before the store opens. One night, as I was unpacking strands of Christmas tree garland, I was told that I needed to be careful with it. It was made of glass, and it could break. So, I unrolled each strand carefully. Once I got the hang of it, I unrolled the strands not-so-carefully; they got tangled, and while I was untangling them, I broke one.

God showed me that our issues are like a carefully packed box of glass garland. Sometimes I wonder why He won’t show me all of my issues all at once so that I can just work through them and move on with my life. I mean, if I have codependence, jealousy, lust, religiosity, depression, or laziness all wrapped inside me, why leave it there? Why not just unravel all of that crap and get it over with? Why does God insist on working through just a little bit at a time???

Well, in my zeal to untangle it all, I could end up breaking something that doesn’t need to get broken. I could get hurt, or I could end up hurting somebody. God is the One who carefully unpacks the next strand that needs to get worked on. He makes sure that each piece gets the attention that it needs, and He makes sure that I become whole... and it’s a process. Yes, of course He could just wave a magic wand and POOF! all of my issues could just suddenly go away.

But why would He? What kind of relationship would I have with Him? I think maybe I’ll get to know Him better if He and I will simply unravel the strands together and talk about them, and I’ll learn from them. And if any of the strands are broken, He can restore them. I can trust Him to do that.

At the beginning of this post, I showed you a photo of a jigsaw puzzle in progress. But I didn’t show you the finished product. And that’s OK. Do you trust me?