The empty shelf

Empty Nest Syndrome is something that many parents go through after their children grow up and leave home, aka the nest. From what I understand, if parents (especially mothers) experience Empty Nest Syndrome properly, they will acknowledge and work through their grief, loss, sadness, etc., as opposed to simply buying a puppy to replace the flown-away child, which could only be hurtful and awkward if the grownup child decides to move back home and witnesses her mother snuggling with the dog instead of her. (Yes, of course there's a story behind that last part, but I won't get into it now.)

I don't have children, but I think I may have developed the opposite of Empty Nest Syndrome. I have what I'll call Empty Shelf Hopefulness.

The last time I moved, I moved into a smaller apartment on purpose (which came in handy because the rent here is cheaper), so there's a bit less room to store things than I was used to. I remedied the less-room situation by selling or otherwise getting rid of some things I don't want/need. So, recently while I was reorganizing things in my home, I felt compelled to leave one of my shelves completely empty. God showed me that I need to leave room for textbooks.

Yeah, that's right. Lord willing, I'm going to go back to school someday. I don't know when yet. But I definitely need to find a job first so that I can start saving up for it. I'm not looking forward to being trapped inside classrooms all day, reading ridiculously long assignments, composing gut-wrenching research projects, or studying for sleep-sucking exams. But I am looking forward to preparing for my second career, for the next phase of my life, for my squeaky-clean new future.

"Prepare your outside work, make it fit for yourself in the field; and afterward build your house." (Proverbs 24:27)

When I see my empty shelf, I don't just see wood, simulated wood, or a potential napping spot for my cats. I see my future. I see endless possibilities. I see hope.

Sure, it might be a little bit awkward being in college while I'm in my 40s and most everybody around me will be in their 20s or still a teenager. But I'm looking forward to the challenge. At least this time around, I'll know myself a lot better. This time around, I'll know that I'm right-brained, that I'm a kinesthetic learner, that pulling all-nighters is rarely worth it in the long run, that most of the information in my courses could be absorbed by simply showing up and paying attention in class, and that I might not get a job right away after graduation simply because I slaved over earning a certain college degree. Life can be much more complicated than your professors will try to tell you, but the best way to learn that is to simply live it for yourself.

Recently, I was going through some music CDs, and I was reminded of how the church I attended in college did not create very much original music. For the most part, they covered Vineyard songs, Dennis Jernigan songs, Hillsongs, and Keith Green songs; they recorded their own versions of these songs and sold them to us. They are good recordings, most of which I still have. But they themselves did not compose very much new music. This exasperated me when I was thinking about it recently, but then I thought about how busy the musicians' schedules probably were. They had to play for 2 Sunday services, probably some Wednesday night services, and then they had to come back every Sunday night to play for the college service which required about 7-10 songs per worship set. On top of that, many of the musicians were also weekly lifegroup leaders, which, in that particular culture, sucked up all of your time. I can't imagine how the musicians or worship leaders at this church could have possibly carved out any time for songwriting at all. Yet they had so many resources with which to do so, produce/record their songs, and distribute them wherever they liked. Was that a missed opportunity for them?

I don't want to miss my opportunity. I know my God gives second, third, fourth, fifth, and infinity chances, but I don't want to blow my chances anymore. I have an empty shelf that's ready to receive brand-new textbooks at a moment's notice, whether it be 3 months from now, 3 years from now, or 30 years from now.

I hope I won't miss my opportunity. I hope I'll get to fill my empty shelf with lots of new books someday. I hope I'll take full advantage of the resources around me. I hope my dreams will become realities. I hope I will never lose hope ever again.

"When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me." (Psalm 63:6-8)

Hmm. I remember this Guy. This Keeper of the Universe, this King of Kings and Lord of Lords, this Person is my Father. He's the One who's obsessed with planning out my life, obsessed with being my Friend, obsessed with protecting me, obsessed with being glorified through me and in me. I think He's infinitely more interested in me grabbing hold of my future than I am. I don't think He'll let me slip up, especially if I follow Him around like a lovesick puppydog and let Him hold me close. I don't ever want to leave His nest, because I'll never stop needing Him.

He'll make sure of that.