It's too dang early for Valentine's Day!

What's up, reader? I gotta produce another episode now of Here's What It's Like To Be Single Theater. Let's hang out. [Punk-ska metal music plays very loudly in the background. Single chick air-dries her heavily gelled hair by flicking it from side to side, in time to the hard music, while her cats scurry out of the room.] In our previous episode on 4/23/11, we had a crash course on marital status diversity training. I think I was fairly polite. However, today's episode may have a different flavor.

"Truth shall spring out of the earth, and righteousness shall look down from heaven." (Psalm 85:11, NKJV)

Reader, I need to offer you a disclaimer in these next few paragraphs. One of the jobs that God has for me while I'm on this planet is to write. He's been showing me that if I'm going to be a writer, I need to not be afraid of offending people. I also shouldn't be afraid of expressing my opinion. So, I've been wrestling with several truths, and I'd like to share these truths with you before I proceed with this blog post. 1 Corinthians 13 says that if I were to speak with tongues of angels and have all knowledge and even give my body to be burned, but I don't have love, I may as well be a clanging symbol. In Matthew 22:39, Jesus says the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Proverbs 27:5 says that open rebuke is better than hidden love (or love carefully concealed). Ecclesiastes 3:7b says that there's a time to be silent and a time to speak.

So, I think it's time for me to speak. I have very strong opinions about singlehood that I haven't really shared this openly before. I could keep my mouth shut out of love. However, I really hope it would help people if I were to openly share my opinion on these issues. I also don't believe that I would truly be myself, the Tirzah that God designed fearfully and wonderfully (see Psalm 139:14), if I were to keep my mouth shut about these issues any longer. It is out of a desire to help people and a desire to express myself honestly that I will share the rest of this blog post. I'm not trying to be mean, rude, or offensive. I'm just trying to let truth spring out of the earth and express how I truly feel. Maybe there are some single people out there who agree with me but are afraid to speak up. If so, I'll be more than happy to speak up for them today.

If it's been more than 10 years since you first met me, perhaps it may shock you that meek, cheerful little Tirzah actually has opinions of her own. Yes, that unnecessarily submissive, abused, soul-bruised little creature who used to have a smile plastered to her face when she was depressed and ulcer symptoms when she was unassertive and who would crawl back into her "loving people means never rocking the boat or stepping on people's toes, especially if you're a woman, because all the best decisions are made by men" cage anytime she was told to do so... well, she's gone. Tirzah's here. I'm about to share about singlehood more bluntly and graphically than I've ever shared before. If my opinions about these issues could possibly offend you and/or ruin our friendship/relationship, please feel free to stop reading this post now. And, of course, if you're just curious, please keep reading. Or if you're very offended after reading and care enough about our friendship/relationship to discuss your offense with me, please contact me, and I'll be more than happy to talk it out with you. I welcome online comments, but if they seem inappropriate (i.e., containing suggestive/vulgar language, especially if they make me or my readers feel unsafe), I'll delete the comment and probably talk to you about it. Yeah, that's right. I don't have a problem with you or me being assertive. Please consider this to be a heads-up, in love.

Whew. That disclaimer might be longer than my actual post. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

So, what's all the fuss about Valentine's Day if it isn't even Christmas yet? If you're new to my life or are still trying to figure me out, I need to give you some background information. I haven't had a date in over 17 years, and singlehood isn't something that I've chosen. (To my knowledge, I don't believe that God "called" me to be single, either.) During all this time, the closest I've come to having mutual feelings for a guy was a few years ago. The guy called me, and during the first hour of the conversation, I decided that I didn't like him anymore. I spent the next two hours trying to get him off my phone, and at the end of the conversation, he finally told me that he liked me, to which I basically replied a polite thank-you. So, there's been 17 years of datelessness and numerous upon numerous crushes and one guy who I was completely, absolutely, genuinely in love with, but it wasn't mutual, and the agonizing heartbreak prompted me to write songs about him, etc. I'm hoping you get the picture. No men in my life.

So, this morning when I got a church email telling me to convince the man in my life to attend a men's retreat, it highlighted my pain out of nowhere. It was like Valentine's Day all over again. I mention Valentine's Day (which I've blogged about a few times) because it's basically a slap in the face every year that says, "You are single, alone, and of no use to a society in which romantic couples are a major driving force." No amount of candy, flowers, or greeting cards is enough to console my pain. But I'll get back to this pain-consolation idea later.

For now, I'll get back to the marital status diversity training. You've heard of FAQs, right? Frequently Asked Questions? Well, today, I'd like to offer you Frequently Regurgitated Solutions. I guess I need to call them FRSs? Hmm. That abbreviation looks like it's missing some letters. FiRSts? Nah, these aren't new. FRaSes? Maybe. FReckleSs? Heh. I should stop adding letters before I have to delete my own blog post. Anyway, ahem. The following is a list of FRSs (bolded) that people have actually told me (not necessarily word for word), and I'll follow them with answers that, in retrospect, I should have replied.

You'll find a husband and have children someday. You're so pretty.

Thank you for the compliment. However, is being good-looking the only criterion for finding a husband and bearing children? And is that all I am to you? A piece of meat and an unclaimed uterus?

You're young. There's still plenty of time to find a husband.

35 is young to you? My biological clock, which ticks so loudly that it wakes me up at inconvenient times throughout the day, seriously begs to differ.

Are you doing anything to find your husband? You should pray for a husband.

Did you do anything to find your spouse? No, of course not; your spouse found you, because you are worth finding and pursuing, and so am I! And if I had a nickel for every time I prayed for a husband, I'd probably have my car paid off.

So-and-so is single. Maybe you could date him. I don't know if he's a Christian, but...
Uh, if he isn't a Christian, our softwares would be incompatible. Next, please.

So-and-so is single. What about him?

The guy who never talks to me except to call me "sweetie" and half-hug me? You've never met me, have you?

Are you dating anybody? No? What about that crush you had on so-and-so? Are you dating him yet?

If I were dating anybody, I would have told you by now. As in, "Hi, Tirzah, how are you?" "Fine, thanks, especially because I'm dating somebody now!" This is a terrible thing to admit, but it's the truth: Just because I have a crush on a guy doesn't necessarily mean it's mutual, and interest doesn't automatically equal dating. May we please, please, please change the subject? This one makes me feel like I just fell on the sidewalk and skidded, scraping across my heart. Seriously, I'd be happy to talk about almost any other subject but this one. Did you know that José Feliciano played "Flight of the Bumblebee" on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1965?

Well, maybe if you'd show more skin or start wearing makeup or learn how to cook or [insert any type of self-improvement here].

Of course I'm not perfect. Yes, there are lots of minor things about me that I should probably change. But the bottom line is that any guy who gets involved with me would need to get involved with the real me, not the fake me. If he wants food, he should marry a restaurant. If he wants money, he should marry a bank. If he wants glamour, he should marry a supermodel. Any man who would want to marry ME would need to get to know ME and marry ME. And I'm most certainly not going to give away any free samples.

You know, men don't always have to initiate. In the Bible, Ruth initiated with Boaz.

In the Bible, Ruth lived in simpler, Jewish times. I'm not a biblical scholar, but from what I understand, Ruth initiated a relationship with Boaz because it was the custom of the time for a widow to marry a relative. Yeah, that's right -- minor detail. Ruth wasn't a 35-year-old virgin with a full-time job, two cats, and her own apartment. She was a WIDOW who was living with her mother-in-law and wasn't financially well-to-do. So, please stop comparing my situation to a Bible story that is barely-like-my-situation.

When I was in my 20s, I married a guy you had a crush on. However, I really think you should try online dating.

I have mixed feelings about your opinion. If you ended up with so-and-so right away, you definitely know how to get a good guy, and you probably know what you're talking about. However, you are adding insult to injury. You yourself didn't try online dating, and in that arena you have no idea what you're talking about.

I would like to elaborate on my extremely strong opinion about online dating. I have friends who met their spouses online, and they're very happy with them. However, I've also heard horror stories about the kinds of people who have profiles on online dating sites. I mean, come on. Anyone nowadays can sit behind a computer and just type anything. [My name is Jacques. I was born in Paris, and I won the Nobel Peace Prize when I was merely 17 years old. My hobbies include traveling with nonprofit organizations to deliver books to children, sky-diving, gardening, and taking long walks along the beach.] See? Are you honestly telling me that an online dating site would be just-add-water instant happiness for me? I find it patronizing and disturbing for people to encourage me to shop for this type of guy online and date him, only to find out the following. [What I didn't include in my profile is that I have a (expletive deleted) problem with authority, extremely bad breath, a wandering eye for (expletive deleted) waitresses, and I attend the church of do-whatever-the-(expletive deleted)-I-want. Oh, yeah, and I hope you don't mind, but I used my cousin's picture in my profile because all you (expletive deleted) women can't tell the difference, anyway. How soon can you get married? I will now proceed to mock you to within an inch of your (expletive deleted) self-esteem. Don't be so uptight. I'll treat you right.] Excuse me, but I'm not buying a car. I'm not just looking for something cheap that has as little mileage on it as possible so that I can get from point A to point B. We're talking about a relationship.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." (James 1:17)

I believe that relationships (in general, not just the romantic kind) fall into the "good and perfect gift" category that James mentions above. Take friendship, for example. I've asked God, tearfully, to bring me friends, and He has. Sometimes I have to find them myself. And sometimes they're practically handed to me on a silver platter and come with a "Tirzah, I want to be your friend" declaration. (If you wanted a friend, would you really try to find a good online friendship site?) I'm not saying that my friends and I don't have to work at our friendships. I'm saying that when I think about my good friends, I mentally take a step back and basically go, "God gave this person to me as a friend because He's a good Daddy." I strongly believe that a husband should arrive the same way, if he's destined to arrive in my life at all. Regardless, Father God is a good Father who gives good gifts, period.

He's the One who gave me Jesus, the Son of Righteousness who arises with healing in His wings (Malachi 4:2). Yeah, that's right. God is the One who can console me infinitely better than any Valentine's Day candy, flowers, or greeting cards ever could.

Sigh! This is probably the first time I've ever blogged about Valentine's Day two months early. Yes, I'm pretty sure that God has an awesome purpose for this season of extended involuntary singleness in my life, but once in a while, it can really hurt like heck. Incidentally, if you see me walking down the street, and I start to cry each time we meet (like it says in that Dionne Warwick song), please don't just walk on by. Maybe you could offer me a Kleenex, a shoulder, or a listening ear. FRSs probably won't help. But Kleenexes, shoulders, and listening ears usually work just fine, my friends. Those are the gifts that keep on giving.

And thanks, readerdude, for gifting me with your presence today. Stay groovy, and thanks again for joining me on Here's What It's Like To Be Single Theater. [Industrial metal music plays loudly in the background while single chick stares into space and wonders how her life would have turned out differently if she had gotten her eyebrow pierced back in 1999. Her heavily gelled hair has now dried to a crunchy consistency that has possibly attracted her small cat, who detects single chick's calmness and jumps on her shoulder and purrs.] Speaking of crunchiness and cats, stay tuned to Windowbrawl, where I hope to bring you a new post sometime later this week.

Chosen and wanted

"You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit -- fruit that will last." (This is Jesus talking to His disciples in John 15:16a.)

In this particular leg of my emotional healing, God has been dealing with all kinds of rejection issues that I didn't know were there. Long story. But He's been teaching me a ton in the process. I'm going to be pretty vulnerable in this post, reader, so please be kind.

I've noticed something about the way that I choose my friends and/or choose to spend time with people in general. I'm very focused, deliberate, and intentional, and I think it freaks people out sometimes. I've been thinking about a time on the school playground when I was a kid. There was a little girl in my class who was in a wheelchair. From what I can remember, I wanted to be her friend, and I was probably accidentally annoying the crap out of her. "Leave me alone, Tirzah!" still stings in my ears.

So, I've been talking to God my Friend lately about rejection, and I've basically told Him, "I'm so sick of people rejecting me!" And He's basically answered, "How do you think I feel?" God gets rejected all the time. If I'm created in His image, and He's capable of feeling emotion to the infinity degree that I can feel emotion... oh, my goodness. I feel acute emotional pain when I'm rejected, forgotten, unchosen, or unwanted. But when God is treated that way, He probably feels emotional pain that's to such a huge degree that it makes me tremble just to think about it. Up until this point in time, people haven't usually chosen me. I think all the guys who haven't returned my feelings for them in the past 17 years can vouch for that. People haven't always chosen Jesus, either. Isaiah 53:2-3 says, if I understand it correctly, that He wasn't physically attractive, was rejected, and is familiar with sorrow and grief. Jesus knows what it's like to hurt. The good news is that He's a Healer and that He chose me.

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:10)

I've noticed another quirky thing about the way that I choose to spend time with people in general. If I invite someone to hang out with me on a specific date or time, I'll reserve that specific time slot for that specific person. I'll leave that slot open for them until I hear from them. If they can't make it, we can reschedule. If they don't respond to my invitation at all, and the specific time comes, I'll spend the time doing something else. I don't want to double-book myself or keep other backup people around in case the chosen person says no. (Years ago, I had a friend who invited me somewhere, and she told me that I was her fourth choice because three other people had told her no. I'm glad she was honest with me, but gosh, thanks a lot.)

Why am I so ridiculously extravagant with my time? I don't know, but I'm finding out that God is very similar. If He chooses Tirzah for a destiny at a certain slot in time, He doesn't keep backup Tirzahs around just in case Tirzah doesn't respond. He wants ME to fulfill the destiny that He created for ME. I'm not saying that if He gives me a talent and I don't use it like in Matthew 25 that He'll give my talent to someone who will use it. I'm saying that if Tirzah doesn't find out what her specific destiny is at this specific time, who else will be Tirzah? I'm sure God would work around my not responding to His call or flat-out saying no, but only I can be Tirzah. He chose me!

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." (This is David talking to God in Psalm 63:1.)

I basically told God recently, "I'm tired of pursuing people. I want people to pursue me for a change." And suddenly I realized that God is the same way sometimes. All those verses in the Bible about seeking God make sense to me now. I know how He feels about me. I know that He loves me so much that He gave up His only Son Jesus for me. I know He chose me and accepts me. So, what's stopping me from pursuing Him in a very focused, deliberate, and intentional way?

A good friend of mine has four awesome, precious kids. One of them is a girl I'll call Clinger. One day, I was sitting around minding my own business when suddenly Clinger walked up to me with her shoes in her hand, climbed onto my lap, and hugged me. It was adorable yet startling simultaneously at first. I asked her if she needed me to help her put her shoes on, but she shook her head no. It turned out that she just wanted affection. We were in a living room full of people. I don't know exactly why she chose me. Maybe she knows I like kids. Maybe I appeared snuggly to her. Maybe my lap was just available. But I sure am glad she chose me. Her arms clung to my neck for a few minutes, and she delighted my heart while we talked about random things.

Another one of my friend's cool kids is a boy I'll call Levi. He is very attached to his mother. One day, I observed his panicked demeanor after my friend left the room and he basically said repeatedly, "I want Mama. I want Mama." I've had clinginess issues of my own, so I can very much understand how he feels.

I think that's how God wants me to want Him. In Psalm 63:8a, David tells God, "My soul clings to You." Yes, God's presence is very available, and He can rush to our aid very quickly (Psalm 46:1). But He also wants to be wanted. I think He wants us to pursue Him, to seek Him, to desperately cry out in every fiber of our beings, "I want Abba! I want Abba!" and to walk right up to Him while He's sitting on His throne, throw our arms around Him, and just love on Him, get to know Him, and let Him get to know us. I think this is one of the hugest things that we were created for: To want God. He created us, so He wanted us first. He wants us to want Him back. He wants us to choose Him. And if we accept His Son Jesus and earnestly seek Him, I don't think He'll kick us away or exclaim, "Leave Me alone, child!" Heck no. His lap is very available. He wants us to hunger, thirst, and pant after Him (Psalm 42:1-2).

I told my coworkers recently that I need to stop writing when I'm hungry; I end up writing about food. Hmm. Did you know that Ocean Spray makes very nice blueberry-juice-infused craisins? I think I might choose them for dessert tonight instead of gummi bears. Wait. I don't want gummi bears to feel rejected. Aagh! Have to choose! Hmm. I could just have both... D'oh! Sorry, reader. I hope my stream of consciousness didn't freak you out.

Aww, look at that face

Just look at my little Choochie. She's perfect for me. She fits perfectly into my life. May I share with you what God has been showing me about her? He made her for me. He designed a cat just for me! Every little detail about her looks and personality, from every stripe to every fluff, from every trill to every purr -- God knew what I would like in a cat. He knew that she would like to jump up on my coffee table and perch next to me when I eat breakfast in the mornings. He knew that she would be standing next to my little computer while I'd be typing this. She is my cat. Her purpose in life is to be my cat. Therefore, right now, she's living out her destiny.


Officially, Choochie was my first cat. So, reader, if you don't mind me loosely quoting Matthew 25, I was faithful in little, and then I became ruler over MUCH. After I got my Choochie, I got my Macho. God has been showing me that Macho's purpose in life is a little different. His destiny is to simply be a masculine specimen of a cat.

See? Manly cat. I remember a time back in his kittenhood when his kitten masculinity was questioned. So he has a high-pitched meow. So what? So he would get frightened easily. He's a cat. But I don't want to listen to the naysayers. I know who he is. We've been working through fear issues. It's going to be OK. He's my masculine, manly Macho. Nuff said.


My cats can be secure in the facts that I love them, they belong to me, and they can be free to be themselves in the confines of my apartment. (They aren't allowed outdoors.) I talk to them frequently. Maybe they get tired of hearing me, but I don't care. They're mine. I want to speak life to them. It's OK. They trust me. "Hello, I love you. You're my kitten. I'm your mama." They know that they can get as much love, attention, and affection from me as they want. There are limitations with me, of course. There are times when I need both of my hands free for typing. There are certain times when they're not allowed in the bathroom. When it's time for me to sleep at night, they need to let me sleep.


One reason why my friend Powerhouse and I have become good friends is because we know that we love each other. She knows that I like her and thoroughly enjoy her company. I know that she wants to know me and be there for me. And vice versa. We keep the lines of communication open. There are limitations with us, though. We're human, and we have healthy boundaries. We work on our friendship to keep it growing healthy and strong. We encourage each other and keep pointing one another to the one most important Person that we could ever know.


Yeah, that's right. God is the One Person who will always meet every need that I have. He doesn't have the same constraints that I do. He doesn't have to type or spend time in the bathroom or sleep. He doesn't make mistakes. He's already perfect.


If I'm secure in my identity, I can live out my destiny. I can be the Tirzah that God designed me to be. If I'm secure in the fact that my God loves me and likes me and believes in me and wants me to succeed and wants me to enjoy the life that He's given me and wants me to stay in His house, then I can be as Tirzah of a Tirzah as I want to be.


Psalm 127 says that He loves me and He gives me sleep. I think He likes to even watch me sleep. One of my favorite movies is Kramer vs. Kramer (minus one completely unnecessary scene that I cut out when I taped it from TV). It's basically a movie about a guy who's learning how to be a good father. There's one scene where his son is playing innocently, dangerously on a playground, and he falls and gets hurt. The dad literally carries him and runs to the emergency room, where his son gets stitches. That night, while his son is asleep in bed with his freshly bound-up wound, his dad hums to him and loves on him.


I believe God is a lot like that. He likes to take care of me. He wants to help me. He wants to have a relationship with me. He made me because He wants me. And now I'm learning how to not be afraid of the unknown things in my life, because what I do know is that I can be secure in my God's truth. He loves me, He made me, and He wants me.

See how adorable my cats are when they're asleep? (or trying to sleep when I'm flashing my camera at them) Aww, look at that, uh... face! Yes, even the backs of their heads are adorable! 


Reader, do you get tired of hearing me talk about this yet? "Hello, God loves me. I belong to Him. He loves you, and He wants you to belong to Him, too."

Three conversations

If you'll indulge me for a little while, reader, I'd like to show you a little bit of my imagination. Meet three fictional characters: George, Stephanie, and Max. In this blog post, they will be conversing with Father God. Please check out Luke 18:9-14 as a reference. I hope you enjoy.

----------

George: Uh, dear Lord... Oh, gosh. This is hard. You know I, uh, haven't been a praying man, but I'd like to become one.

Father God: That's wonderful, George! I always love hearing from you. Keep going. You're doing fine.

George: Uh, please bless my family. And, uh, please bless my pastor. (Sighs.) You know, my Sunday School teacher keeps telling me how I should pray, but it doesn't always make sense to me.

Father God: He didn't tell you that prayer is a two-way conversation. It's OK, because you're still learning, and you're very willing to learn. Keep going. You're doing fine.

George: I, uh, I'm not really sure if You can even hear me.

Father God: Sure I can. You need help hearing Me.

George: (Pauses.) I think maybe You want to talk to me. (Chuckles.) You know, I'd really like that.

Father God: I knew you would, My friend. I really look forward to us getting to know each other.

George: Uh, if you don't mind, Lord, I'd really like to ask You to bless me at my job. I'm having a really hard time right now. My supervisor is on my tail and making me work long hours and... I'm not sure I can take it here anymore. But my family needs my paycheck. Could You please help me?

Father God: I'm on it. You can count on Me.

George: (Sighs.) I don't even know if You're listening. I just don't talk fancy. When I pray, I don't sound like Max at all.

Father God: Please don't worry about that. You just need to be yourself. You can talk to Me about whatever you want. I just want to hear from you. I just want you.

George: (Chuckles.) Lord, I get the impression that all that fancy prayer talk don't really matter to You. You can hear me, right?

Father God: Loud and clear, My friend. I love you.

George: Well, my coffee break is almost over. But, uh, I guess You already knew that. Maybe I could pray to You again tonight after work.

Father God: Of course, My faithful, stouthearted son. Keep praying, and please don't ever stop. I love you.

George: In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.

----------

Stephanie: Father! I'm here!

Father God: Child! I'm here, too!

Stephanie: (Laughs.) Oh, Father, You're so funny! You're so wonderful! (Begins to cry.) You're so holy. You're so worthy. You're so merciful. There's absolutely no one like You. There never will be.

Father God: I know, precious one. And you love Me.

Stephanie: (Sniffles.) Yes, Lord. You know that I love You. And I want to love You more.

Father God: Keep talking. I like it.

Stephanie: (Pauses.) Lord... I just don't feel worthy to be in Your presence. (Gasps.) I suddenly feel dirty because of that bad thought I had earlier today.

Father God: You know what to do with it, precious one. You know I'm training you. And you're already worthy because of my Son.

Stephanie: (Begins to cry again.) I'm so sorry, Lord. Can I please pour out my heart to You?

Father God: Yes, please, precious one. I want to take care of you.

Stephanie: (Sobs.) You love me so much! Please hold me, Father. I need You.

Father God: I love you, precious one. I'm building you up to be a queen in My kingdom.

Stephanie: Lord?

Father God: That's right, precious one. You are going to become a tree planted by streams of water, like it says in Psalm 1, and your life will be a shield and a refuge for others. Your life will be like a beacon for many men and women. You've been faithful in little, and you will be ruler over much. Well done, My good and faithful servant. I love you.

Stephanie: (Sniffles.) You mean, after all I've done, You still want to use me?

Father God: "Use" is not a very descriptive word. I want to move through you. I want to come alongside you. I want to help you. I want you to work with Me. I want you to abide in the love of My Son. I love you.

Stephanie: Can I please pour out more of my heart to You, Lord? I want to forgive Max. The way he was so rude to me in Sunday School the other day really offended me. He made me feel like an idiot, Lord. But I'm not an idiot. And I choose to forgive him, Lord. He didn't know what He was doing. (Sighs.) I feel a little bit better now, Lord.

Father God: I knew you would. I understand how Max can be. Please keep loving him. I'm his Father, too. I love you. I love being your Father. I'm so glad that I made you and that I know you.

Stephanie: You mean, even after all those terrible thoughts I've had, You still want me to be close to You?

Father God: Heck yes, precious one. I want us to enjoy a sweet relationship with one another. Stay close to Me, and point people to Me.

Stephanie: (Gasps.) Oh, I want that, Father. I want to show people how to know You. I want to teach people how to seek You. I want to run to You, and I want people to follow me into Your presence, right into Your lap, like in Psalm 45!

Father God: There you go, precious one. Keep talking. I like it!

Stephanie: Lord, start with my Sunday School class. But why stop there, Lord? I want to reach people in my neighborhood, Lord, in my workplace, Lord, and in the rest of this city, Lord! You said in Psalm 2 that if I ask, You will make the nations my inheritance! So, I'm asking You now, Father, please give me the nations!

Father God: (Roars.) Do you hear that, angels?? That's My girl!!

Stephanie: (Laughs.) Oh, Abba, Father, I can hear You roaring! Lion of Judah, roar!

Jesus: (Roars.) Yeah!

Father God: (Roars.) I love you!!

----------

Max: Our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be Thy Name.

Father God: Thank you, but you live in 2011. You aren't required to talk like it's 1611.

Max: Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

Father God: My beloved little boy, do you even understand what you're asking for?

Max: Give us this day our daily bread.

Father God: This prayer is an excellent place for you to start, but you're still a baby. You're still drinking milk. Are you hungry yet for the bread that I want to feed you? I have the finest of wheat that I'm just waiting to feed you. Ahem! Pick up your Bible, little boy, and read Psalm 81.

Max: And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

Father God: I recently had conversations with two people who you've hurt. You've been forgiven much. Please stop harming My children, My little son.

Max: And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Father God: I love you. I believe in you. I know how I've made you. There is so much that I'm waiting for you to ask for. There is so much that I'm longing to teach you. There is so much that I want you to become. Ahem!! Seriously, pick up your Bible. Psalm 81! Honey from the rock! You're starving! I want to satisfy you!

Max: For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever.

Father God: I know what you're about to do. Please, My beloved little boy. Listen to Me!

Max: I thank Thee, oh, my great Father, for the works of Thine hands. I thank Thee for the way that Thou hast madest me.

Father God: (Screams.) Even your King James English is grammatically incorrect! Do you not know that I created language? or that I created speech? or that I created those very lips, that very tongue of yours?

Max: I thank Thee, oh, grand Father in Heaven, for Thy bounty, and now I count my many blessings before Thy heavenly throne, as Thou hast commandest me to do.

Father God: (Screams.) No! Not the clanging cymbal again! Not the noise again!

Max: I thank Thee, oh, merciful heavenly Father, for allowing me to obtain an education in one of the finest institutions that this country hast ever seeneth.

Father God: Stop it, please! Please be quiet! Please open your ears for once and listen to Me! You have no idea how merciful I truly am!

Max: And I thank Thee, oh, my heavenly Father, that I am not like the people in my Sunday School class.

Father God: Quiet! You have allowed yourself to turn into a hypocritical pharisee! You are crippling the people that you're supposed to be equipping! They want to know Me and love Me! To you, I am just a snack machine! Do you not hear Me spewing out the coins that you just deposited? Can you not hear this clanging, deafening cacophony?

Jesus, covering His ears: I can hear it. Father, can he not even tell that You're speaking in his vocabulary range?

Max: I pay my tithe, I read my Bible, and I minister to the needy. Oh, Thou Father of mine, in Thy timing, if it be Thy will...

Father God: Yes, you're doing some of the things that you're supposed to be doing, My beloved little boy, but you don't get it.

Holy Spirit: (Shouts.) Pick up thy Bible, Maximillian, and read Psalm 66, verse 18!

Max: ...please move the heart of Stephanie, so that she would desire me. I wish to have and to hold her someday as my lawfully wedded wife.

Jesus: You gotta be kidding.

Holy Spirit: Nope, he's serious.

Father God, covering His ears: Please! I already told you to stop!

Max: She, as You well know, my Lord, is a ravishing beauty who would suit me very well. She would make a lovely addition to my household someday. She would make a lovely pastor's wife.

Father God: At least you stopped with the King James English. But now you're talking nonsense. Her heart isn't compatible with yours. And if you can't be faithful in handling one Sunday School class, what makes you think I'd give you a pulpit or an entire church to care for? If you don't stop worshiping yourself and your education, if you don't lift up your eyes to see Me and open your ears to hear Me, I will see to it that Stephanie takes your place as Sunday School teacher.

Max: I pray, oh my Lord, that Thou wouldst make her worthy of me someday...

Father God: (Screams.) Stop!

Jesus: I love this guy, but his words are almost as clangy as Tirzah's used to be.

Tirzah: Huh?

Jesus: Hey, squirt. Play Me a song.

Father God: You're a groovy chick.

Tirzah: (Sobs.) You like me?!?

Father God: Come on, play Us a song.

Max: ...and if it be Thy will, I asketh that Thou wouldst grant me children and a reliable vehicle so that I may keep the bulk of my humble income available to giveth to the worthy works of Thy kingdom...

Tirzah: (Gasps.) What would You like to hear?

Holy Spirit: Whatever you want, just as long as it's one of your songs.

Max: ...and in Thy worthy house of worship, may Thy offerings increase, especially in the offering plate on Sunday, and if it be Thy will, may the gardener please remember to trim the hedges this Saturday before our services start this Sunday at 9:45 a.m., or at least perhaps on Sunday afternoon before the evening services commence anew...

Father God: Max, please listen to Me. And please excuse Me. It's time for Me to end what's supposed to be a two-way conversation. I've got a freckled little ipod who's warming up her guitar so that she can sing Me a groovy song. She used to be a lot like you, Max. I'm still healing her and squeezing out a lot of terrible patterns that she's carried for years. Maybe you could meet her someday.

Tirzah: (Gasps.) You wanna hear the groovy song??

Father God: I love you, Max, not because of anything you've done, but because of who I am.

----------

Also included in these preceding conversations were the nonfictional characters Tirzah, Father God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Thank you for reading!