It's too dang early for Valentine's Day!

What's up, reader? I gotta produce another episode now of Here's What It's Like To Be Single Theater. Let's hang out. [Punk-ska metal music plays very loudly in the background. Single chick air-dries her heavily gelled hair by flicking it from side to side, in time to the hard music, while her cats scurry out of the room.] In our previous episode on 4/23/11, we had a crash course on marital status diversity training. I think I was fairly polite. However, today's episode may have a different flavor.

"Truth shall spring out of the earth, and righteousness shall look down from heaven." (Psalm 85:11, NKJV)

Reader, I need to offer you a disclaimer in these next few paragraphs. One of the jobs that God has for me while I'm on this planet is to write. He's been showing me that if I'm going to be a writer, I need to not be afraid of offending people. I also shouldn't be afraid of expressing my opinion. So, I've been wrestling with several truths, and I'd like to share these truths with you before I proceed with this blog post. 1 Corinthians 13 says that if I were to speak with tongues of angels and have all knowledge and even give my body to be burned, but I don't have love, I may as well be a clanging symbol. In Matthew 22:39, Jesus says the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Proverbs 27:5 says that open rebuke is better than hidden love (or love carefully concealed). Ecclesiastes 3:7b says that there's a time to be silent and a time to speak.

So, I think it's time for me to speak. I have very strong opinions about singlehood that I haven't really shared this openly before. I could keep my mouth shut out of love. However, I really hope it would help people if I were to openly share my opinion on these issues. I also don't believe that I would truly be myself, the Tirzah that God designed fearfully and wonderfully (see Psalm 139:14), if I were to keep my mouth shut about these issues any longer. It is out of a desire to help people and a desire to express myself honestly that I will share the rest of this blog post. I'm not trying to be mean, rude, or offensive. I'm just trying to let truth spring out of the earth and express how I truly feel. Maybe there are some single people out there who agree with me but are afraid to speak up. If so, I'll be more than happy to speak up for them today.

If it's been more than 10 years since you first met me, perhaps it may shock you that meek, cheerful little Tirzah actually has opinions of her own. Yes, that unnecessarily submissive, abused, soul-bruised little creature who used to have a smile plastered to her face when she was depressed and ulcer symptoms when she was unassertive and who would crawl back into her "loving people means never rocking the boat or stepping on people's toes, especially if you're a woman, because all the best decisions are made by men" cage anytime she was told to do so... well, she's gone. Tirzah's here. I'm about to share about singlehood more bluntly and graphically than I've ever shared before. If my opinions about these issues could possibly offend you and/or ruin our friendship/relationship, please feel free to stop reading this post now. And, of course, if you're just curious, please keep reading. Or if you're very offended after reading and care enough about our friendship/relationship to discuss your offense with me, please contact me, and I'll be more than happy to talk it out with you. I welcome online comments, but if they seem inappropriate (i.e., containing suggestive/vulgar language, especially if they make me or my readers feel unsafe), I'll delete the comment and probably talk to you about it. Yeah, that's right. I don't have a problem with you or me being assertive. Please consider this to be a heads-up, in love.

Whew. That disclaimer might be longer than my actual post. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

So, what's all the fuss about Valentine's Day if it isn't even Christmas yet? If you're new to my life or are still trying to figure me out, I need to give you some background information. I haven't had a date in over 17 years, and singlehood isn't something that I've chosen. (To my knowledge, I don't believe that God "called" me to be single, either.) During all this time, the closest I've come to having mutual feelings for a guy was a few years ago. The guy called me, and during the first hour of the conversation, I decided that I didn't like him anymore. I spent the next two hours trying to get him off my phone, and at the end of the conversation, he finally told me that he liked me, to which I basically replied a polite thank-you. So, there's been 17 years of datelessness and numerous upon numerous crushes and one guy who I was completely, absolutely, genuinely in love with, but it wasn't mutual, and the agonizing heartbreak prompted me to write songs about him, etc. I'm hoping you get the picture. No men in my life.

So, this morning when I got a church email telling me to convince the man in my life to attend a men's retreat, it highlighted my pain out of nowhere. It was like Valentine's Day all over again. I mention Valentine's Day (which I've blogged about a few times) because it's basically a slap in the face every year that says, "You are single, alone, and of no use to a society in which romantic couples are a major driving force." No amount of candy, flowers, or greeting cards is enough to console my pain. But I'll get back to this pain-consolation idea later.

For now, I'll get back to the marital status diversity training. You've heard of FAQs, right? Frequently Asked Questions? Well, today, I'd like to offer you Frequently Regurgitated Solutions. I guess I need to call them FRSs? Hmm. That abbreviation looks like it's missing some letters. FiRSts? Nah, these aren't new. FRaSes? Maybe. FReckleSs? Heh. I should stop adding letters before I have to delete my own blog post. Anyway, ahem. The following is a list of FRSs (bolded) that people have actually told me (not necessarily word for word), and I'll follow them with answers that, in retrospect, I should have replied.

You'll find a husband and have children someday. You're so pretty.

Thank you for the compliment. However, is being good-looking the only criterion for finding a husband and bearing children? And is that all I am to you? A piece of meat and an unclaimed uterus?

You're young. There's still plenty of time to find a husband.

35 is young to you? My biological clock, which ticks so loudly that it wakes me up at inconvenient times throughout the day, seriously begs to differ.

Are you doing anything to find your husband? You should pray for a husband.

Did you do anything to find your spouse? No, of course not; your spouse found you, because you are worth finding and pursuing, and so am I! And if I had a nickel for every time I prayed for a husband, I'd probably have my car paid off.

So-and-so is single. Maybe you could date him. I don't know if he's a Christian, but...
Uh, if he isn't a Christian, our softwares would be incompatible. Next, please.

So-and-so is single. What about him?

The guy who never talks to me except to call me "sweetie" and half-hug me? You've never met me, have you?

Are you dating anybody? No? What about that crush you had on so-and-so? Are you dating him yet?

If I were dating anybody, I would have told you by now. As in, "Hi, Tirzah, how are you?" "Fine, thanks, especially because I'm dating somebody now!" This is a terrible thing to admit, but it's the truth: Just because I have a crush on a guy doesn't necessarily mean it's mutual, and interest doesn't automatically equal dating. May we please, please, please change the subject? This one makes me feel like I just fell on the sidewalk and skidded, scraping across my heart. Seriously, I'd be happy to talk about almost any other subject but this one. Did you know that José Feliciano played "Flight of the Bumblebee" on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1965?

Well, maybe if you'd show more skin or start wearing makeup or learn how to cook or [insert any type of self-improvement here].

Of course I'm not perfect. Yes, there are lots of minor things about me that I should probably change. But the bottom line is that any guy who gets involved with me would need to get involved with the real me, not the fake me. If he wants food, he should marry a restaurant. If he wants money, he should marry a bank. If he wants glamour, he should marry a supermodel. Any man who would want to marry ME would need to get to know ME and marry ME. And I'm most certainly not going to give away any free samples.

You know, men don't always have to initiate. In the Bible, Ruth initiated with Boaz.

In the Bible, Ruth lived in simpler, Jewish times. I'm not a biblical scholar, but from what I understand, Ruth initiated a relationship with Boaz because it was the custom of the time for a widow to marry a relative. Yeah, that's right -- minor detail. Ruth wasn't a 35-year-old virgin with a full-time job, two cats, and her own apartment. She was a WIDOW who was living with her mother-in-law and wasn't financially well-to-do. So, please stop comparing my situation to a Bible story that is barely-like-my-situation.

When I was in my 20s, I married a guy you had a crush on. However, I really think you should try online dating.

I have mixed feelings about your opinion. If you ended up with so-and-so right away, you definitely know how to get a good guy, and you probably know what you're talking about. However, you are adding insult to injury. You yourself didn't try online dating, and in that arena you have no idea what you're talking about.

I would like to elaborate on my extremely strong opinion about online dating. I have friends who met their spouses online, and they're very happy with them. However, I've also heard horror stories about the kinds of people who have profiles on online dating sites. I mean, come on. Anyone nowadays can sit behind a computer and just type anything. [My name is Jacques. I was born in Paris, and I won the Nobel Peace Prize when I was merely 17 years old. My hobbies include traveling with nonprofit organizations to deliver books to children, sky-diving, gardening, and taking long walks along the beach.] See? Are you honestly telling me that an online dating site would be just-add-water instant happiness for me? I find it patronizing and disturbing for people to encourage me to shop for this type of guy online and date him, only to find out the following. [What I didn't include in my profile is that I have a (expletive deleted) problem with authority, extremely bad breath, a wandering eye for (expletive deleted) waitresses, and I attend the church of do-whatever-the-(expletive deleted)-I-want. Oh, yeah, and I hope you don't mind, but I used my cousin's picture in my profile because all you (expletive deleted) women can't tell the difference, anyway. How soon can you get married? I will now proceed to mock you to within an inch of your (expletive deleted) self-esteem. Don't be so uptight. I'll treat you right.] Excuse me, but I'm not buying a car. I'm not just looking for something cheap that has as little mileage on it as possible so that I can get from point A to point B. We're talking about a relationship.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." (James 1:17)

I believe that relationships (in general, not just the romantic kind) fall into the "good and perfect gift" category that James mentions above. Take friendship, for example. I've asked God, tearfully, to bring me friends, and He has. Sometimes I have to find them myself. And sometimes they're practically handed to me on a silver platter and come with a "Tirzah, I want to be your friend" declaration. (If you wanted a friend, would you really try to find a good online friendship site?) I'm not saying that my friends and I don't have to work at our friendships. I'm saying that when I think about my good friends, I mentally take a step back and basically go, "God gave this person to me as a friend because He's a good Daddy." I strongly believe that a husband should arrive the same way, if he's destined to arrive in my life at all. Regardless, Father God is a good Father who gives good gifts, period.

He's the One who gave me Jesus, the Son of Righteousness who arises with healing in His wings (Malachi 4:2). Yeah, that's right. God is the One who can console me infinitely better than any Valentine's Day candy, flowers, or greeting cards ever could.

Sigh! This is probably the first time I've ever blogged about Valentine's Day two months early. Yes, I'm pretty sure that God has an awesome purpose for this season of extended involuntary singleness in my life, but once in a while, it can really hurt like heck. Incidentally, if you see me walking down the street, and I start to cry each time we meet (like it says in that Dionne Warwick song), please don't just walk on by. Maybe you could offer me a Kleenex, a shoulder, or a listening ear. FRSs probably won't help. But Kleenexes, shoulders, and listening ears usually work just fine, my friends. Those are the gifts that keep on giving.

And thanks, readerdude, for gifting me with your presence today. Stay groovy, and thanks again for joining me on Here's What It's Like To Be Single Theater. [Industrial metal music plays loudly in the background while single chick stares into space and wonders how her life would have turned out differently if she had gotten her eyebrow pierced back in 1999. Her heavily gelled hair has now dried to a crunchy consistency that has possibly attracted her small cat, who detects single chick's calmness and jumps on her shoulder and purrs.] Speaking of crunchiness and cats, stay tuned to Windowbrawl, where I hope to bring you a new post sometime later this week.