Chosen and wanted

"You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit -- fruit that will last." (This is Jesus talking to His disciples in John 15:16a.)

In this particular leg of my emotional healing, God has been dealing with all kinds of rejection issues that I didn't know were there. Long story. But He's been teaching me a ton in the process. I'm going to be pretty vulnerable in this post, reader, so please be kind.

I've noticed something about the way that I choose my friends and/or choose to spend time with people in general. I'm very focused, deliberate, and intentional, and I think it freaks people out sometimes. I've been thinking about a time on the school playground when I was a kid. There was a little girl in my class who was in a wheelchair. From what I can remember, I wanted to be her friend, and I was probably accidentally annoying the crap out of her. "Leave me alone, Tirzah!" still stings in my ears.

So, I've been talking to God my Friend lately about rejection, and I've basically told Him, "I'm so sick of people rejecting me!" And He's basically answered, "How do you think I feel?" God gets rejected all the time. If I'm created in His image, and He's capable of feeling emotion to the infinity degree that I can feel emotion... oh, my goodness. I feel acute emotional pain when I'm rejected, forgotten, unchosen, or unwanted. But when God is treated that way, He probably feels emotional pain that's to such a huge degree that it makes me tremble just to think about it. Up until this point in time, people haven't usually chosen me. I think all the guys who haven't returned my feelings for them in the past 17 years can vouch for that. People haven't always chosen Jesus, either. Isaiah 53:2-3 says, if I understand it correctly, that He wasn't physically attractive, was rejected, and is familiar with sorrow and grief. Jesus knows what it's like to hurt. The good news is that He's a Healer and that He chose me.

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:10)

I've noticed another quirky thing about the way that I choose to spend time with people in general. If I invite someone to hang out with me on a specific date or time, I'll reserve that specific time slot for that specific person. I'll leave that slot open for them until I hear from them. If they can't make it, we can reschedule. If they don't respond to my invitation at all, and the specific time comes, I'll spend the time doing something else. I don't want to double-book myself or keep other backup people around in case the chosen person says no. (Years ago, I had a friend who invited me somewhere, and she told me that I was her fourth choice because three other people had told her no. I'm glad she was honest with me, but gosh, thanks a lot.)

Why am I so ridiculously extravagant with my time? I don't know, but I'm finding out that God is very similar. If He chooses Tirzah for a destiny at a certain slot in time, He doesn't keep backup Tirzahs around just in case Tirzah doesn't respond. He wants ME to fulfill the destiny that He created for ME. I'm not saying that if He gives me a talent and I don't use it like in Matthew 25 that He'll give my talent to someone who will use it. I'm saying that if Tirzah doesn't find out what her specific destiny is at this specific time, who else will be Tirzah? I'm sure God would work around my not responding to His call or flat-out saying no, but only I can be Tirzah. He chose me!

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." (This is David talking to God in Psalm 63:1.)

I basically told God recently, "I'm tired of pursuing people. I want people to pursue me for a change." And suddenly I realized that God is the same way sometimes. All those verses in the Bible about seeking God make sense to me now. I know how He feels about me. I know that He loves me so much that He gave up His only Son Jesus for me. I know He chose me and accepts me. So, what's stopping me from pursuing Him in a very focused, deliberate, and intentional way?

A good friend of mine has four awesome, precious kids. One of them is a girl I'll call Clinger. One day, I was sitting around minding my own business when suddenly Clinger walked up to me with her shoes in her hand, climbed onto my lap, and hugged me. It was adorable yet startling simultaneously at first. I asked her if she needed me to help her put her shoes on, but she shook her head no. It turned out that she just wanted affection. We were in a living room full of people. I don't know exactly why she chose me. Maybe she knows I like kids. Maybe I appeared snuggly to her. Maybe my lap was just available. But I sure am glad she chose me. Her arms clung to my neck for a few minutes, and she delighted my heart while we talked about random things.

Another one of my friend's cool kids is a boy I'll call Levi. He is very attached to his mother. One day, I observed his panicked demeanor after my friend left the room and he basically said repeatedly, "I want Mama. I want Mama." I've had clinginess issues of my own, so I can very much understand how he feels.

I think that's how God wants me to want Him. In Psalm 63:8a, David tells God, "My soul clings to You." Yes, God's presence is very available, and He can rush to our aid very quickly (Psalm 46:1). But He also wants to be wanted. I think He wants us to pursue Him, to seek Him, to desperately cry out in every fiber of our beings, "I want Abba! I want Abba!" and to walk right up to Him while He's sitting on His throne, throw our arms around Him, and just love on Him, get to know Him, and let Him get to know us. I think this is one of the hugest things that we were created for: To want God. He created us, so He wanted us first. He wants us to want Him back. He wants us to choose Him. And if we accept His Son Jesus and earnestly seek Him, I don't think He'll kick us away or exclaim, "Leave Me alone, child!" Heck no. His lap is very available. He wants us to hunger, thirst, and pant after Him (Psalm 42:1-2).

I told my coworkers recently that I need to stop writing when I'm hungry; I end up writing about food. Hmm. Did you know that Ocean Spray makes very nice blueberry-juice-infused craisins? I think I might choose them for dessert tonight instead of gummi bears. Wait. I don't want gummi bears to feel rejected. Aagh! Have to choose! Hmm. I could just have both... D'oh! Sorry, reader. I hope my stream of consciousness didn't freak you out.