Nest under construction

There have been several things rolling around in my head lately, and I think the best way for me to process them is to write a follow-up to my previous Construction post and my older post The Nest. So, it's sort of a part 2 for both posts combined. As a disclaimer, I would like to say that I'm currently not an ordained minister, a licensed therapist, or a church employee. In terms of life in God's kingdom, currently my only official title is a member of my church's choir. In terms of the gifts God has given me and the functions He has designed me for, I'm a creative shepherd. When I hit the worship platform at church, I'm basically saying, "Hey, look! There's Jesus! Let's go get Him!" When I interact one-on-one with somebody who's interested in learning from me, I kinda take them under my wing and kinda turn into a rambling old lady who's like, "So, way back in 1994 when we had to listen to Dennis Jernigan music on fandangled little contraptions called audiotapes, we had to be real careful to not play them too long or too hard, or they'd wear out, and then, well, you'd have to find out when his next concert would be, and then after you'd find that out, you'd have to pray that you'd be able to find a ride to the concert, unless, of course, you'd prefer to walk, in which case, you'd need to begin your journey at 0500 hours. Did I ever tell you about the time somebody forgot to pick me up?"

Testing the spirits is important (1 John 4:1), and being aware of false prophets and examining their fruits is important (Matthew 7:15-20). In fact, please do that with me. It's very possible that I'm completely wrong in my opinions and that I'm quite full of my own crap.

Abruptly changing the subject, my apartment complex finally put a new number on my door this week. That's what my picture is at the beginning of this post. No, I'm not going to post the entire number or my address here. As Ricky Ricardo would say, "Are you crazy or somethin'?" It took my apartment complex about 8 or 9 months to give me a new address sign. I think they're still in the process of putting signs on the other apartments' doors. Also, about 2 weeks ago, they warned us that our parking lot would be repaved. The potholes have been filled in, but the parking lots haven't been repaved yet.

I truly don't know what the delay is in construction, but I'm guessing maybe they've been paying it off with cash, so maybe every time somebody pays rent, they hammer on a couple of address signs and fill in a couple of potholes? Just a guess. The slowgoing process has been frustrating, yet it's simultaneously been very satisfying. Very gradually, I've seen the exterior of my humble-looking home (which I moved into because it was cheap) become a very nice-looking home with nice landscaping and an almost-finished parking lot. It has been worth the wait.

Abruptly changing the subject again, I think sometimes my brain surfs its own waves and stops on a channel that's probably labeled "Teachings that you now consider to be crap." In order for this to make sense, reader, I think it's important to remember my background. I had a very submissive, people-pleasing, let-me-lie-on-the-floor-so-you-can-step-on-me personality in my past. I'm pretty sure God designed me that way so I could be like, "Yes, Lord, how high would You like me to jump?" anytime He would instruct me to do something, but I think other people exploited/abused me and my personality in my past. So, my desire in writing this isn't to slander anybody. My desire is to ramble like an old lady to anyone who has, unfortunately, been taken advantage of as I have in my past, and to say, "My friend, you don't have to believe everything you hear."

I used to listen to a preacher/teacher on TV on a regular basis, but I don't anymore, because I've decided that I disagree too much with this person. I heard this preacher/teacher say, "Anger is an unholy emotion." From what I understand, it isn't, because God gets angry; there isn't anything unholy about Him at all. Psalm 4 says to be angry and not sin. It doesn't say that if you're angry, you're tainting yourself. If somebody close to me verbally punches me in the nose and spitefully spits in my face with insulting words, I'm probably going to get angry, not because of something unholy, but because I'm a human being who experiences emotions, period. Just because anger is scary, misunderstood, and often mismanaged as an emotion doesn't mean it's unholy. Also, this preacher/teacher said that we shouldn't say, "Help me" to God all the time; we should meditate on our identity in Christ instead. Well, yes, if I'm a Christian, it's definitely important to know who I am in Christ and to meditate on who I am in Christ. That is definitely true. However, I think anyone who would suggest that it isn't Christlike to ask God to help them has probably skipped reading like half the Bible. Check out Psalms 34, 46, and 50, for starters.

A couple of years ago, an author came to speak at my church, and I was very alarmed by what I heard. He had an awesome testimony, and he had what I thought was good insight. But what alarmed me was that he said that he never asks God for anything; all he does is meditate on his identity in Christ. I guess his quiet time is a simple time of saying something like, "God, thank You that I'm Your friend. Thank You that I'm seated in heavenly places in Christ. Thank You that I'm more than a conqueror." There's certainly nothing wrong with that, and what happens during his quiet time is none of my business. But to never ask God for anything for himself? Has he ever met the Father of Lights? Does he not realize how extravagant of a giver of gifts He is?

Going back to my apartment construction analogy, say for instance I'm driving home in the dark, and I don't know if I'll be able to park in my parking lot. (Which has become a common occurrence recently.) In my opinion, it would be foolish, naive, and stubborn of me to declare, "I know who I am; I'm a licensed driver who's operating an insured vehicle that's perfectly fit for road travel, so why do I need extra lights in the street to show me where the coned-off areas are?" Uh, no. I would probably damage my vehicle and the parking-lot cones and get towed or cited in the process. What I would probably need to do is ask God for help. "Lord, it's dark out here, and I don't know what I'm doing. I've never driven this way before, and I don't know what my final destination is going to look like. Can You please help me? Can You please show me where to go?" And He'll get me there safely... in addition to me being a licensed driver who's operating an insured vehicle that's perfectly fit for road travel.

At least, that is my experience and opinion. These two individuals -- the preacher/teacher and the author -- have books for sale at my church's bookstore, so these individuals probably aren't terrible people (at least, from what I understand). Their teachings point people to God. But a decision I've made for myself -- just from listening to the red flag screaming inside me -- is that I won't buy these people's books unless I'm coerced to do so, because I disagree with them. That is my decision.

Regarding the author I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, I messaged one of my pastors to express concern over the author's teaching. I don't remember the pastor's exact reply, but it was something like, "Whatever, Tirzah. But I love how you pursue God!" Uh, have I told you lately that I have issues with pastoral neglect?

The reason I spoke up when I saw my internal red flag waving and heard it screaming was because of stuff I've experienced in my past. That is, I grew up blindly believing and accepting anything that anyone in authority fed me. Whoever's nest I was in, I would open my mouth wide and gulp down whatever worms that my mama bird would feed me, because I was hungry, and it was time to eat. Now I know that I can examine what I'm being fed before I eat it. I could even decide to not eat it after all. But that is my decision to make.

As an example of a bad worm that I gulped down in my past, did I ever tell you about the time a preacher told me all Christians are supposed to be missionaries? (I think I've probably mentioned this in a previous blog post or two.) In 1997, I attended a missions conference in which one night's speaker said, if I remember correctly, "If you're a Christian, you should want to be a missionary unless God calls you to do something else." This speaker didn't mean to be a missionary in the sense that you can be a missionary in the workplace, in the shopping mall, at the convenience store, everywhere your foot treads, because you have the Holy Spirit living inside you. He meant vocationally. He meant that all Christians should desire to be a paid/payroll/support missionary unless God communicates with a Christian specifically and says something like, "I want you to be a doctor" or "I want you to be a lawyer."

I found out years later that this speaker was rebuked somehow later for that comment. I really wish somebody had told me. I kinda rearranged my entire life around a lot of the things he mentioned in his speech.

So, that's why I often feel like speaking up anytime I see my internal red flag waving or whenever I hear it screaming. I'm not saying that any of these people I disagree with should be disgraced or stripped of their credentials. I'm saying if anyone tries to feed me anything that looks, smells, or tastes mildewy, moldy, or rotten, I probably won't eat it. But that is my opinion, and that is my decision to make. If your system can digest questionable-smelling food better than mine can, and you want to try something new, go for it. But if your system has already been compromised by disease or injury, I might speak up. It's OK to be cautious.

OK, so I was exaggerating a tiny bit about the Dennis Jernigan tapes and walking to his concerts. But somebody really did forget to pick me up for a church event one time circa 1999. It was disappointing, it was a time-waster, and it was a bummer. I didn't speak up, though. That was back during my let-me-lie-on-the-floor-so-you-can-step-on-me days. That chick is dead. Tirzah is alive now. Tirzah has her life back. Tirzah doesn't live in a spiritually abusive environment where her future is toyed with or manipulated anymore. Tirzah doesn't tolerate spiritual abuse anymore. No way. "Are you crazy or somethin'?"