In order to set the tone for this post, its title needs to be
punctuated with an almost sarcastic, almost defiant blast. For example: "Class,
today's assignment will be pretty easy. All you have to do is write a 10-page
research paper in an hour." "REALLY?"
I hope that I'm not writing this with a rebellious or
hardened attitude. I'm just saying that after walking through years of what
turned out to be abuse, and getting very little help and very little empathy
from others while I was experiencing it (or processing it), I would like to
unload about a decade's worth of delayed reactions. Hopefully, this will be a healthy
expression for me and an eye-opening read for anyone who would like to
understand my frustrated perspective. I would like to offer a buffet's worth of
food for thought. I would like for you to take a step back and just listen to the
silly words that come out of people's mouths sometimes. Imagine how silly it
would look if you had a friend in the hospital who's just been in a
devastating, debilitating, life-altering accident, and all you do when you
visit her is waltz into her room and place a bouquet of flowers on her lap, and
she happens to be allergic to the flowers, but she can't smack them away from
her lap because all of her limbs are broken, and you simply smile and waltz
away. Really?
I'm not a clergywoman or a psychologist, but from what I
understand, abuse is abuse -- whether it's physical abuse, emotional abuse,
mental abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, or spiritual abuse. It's all terrible,
it's all bad, and it's all sin. But just like any other sin, Jesus offers hope.
If you bring your sin to Jesus, He will take it away and heal it. If you turn from sin, if you realize that what you were doing is wrong
and decide that you don't want to do it anymore, Jesus can reach down inside
you and fix whatever drove you to sin. So, I believe that people who used to be
abusers (like me) can change if they will let Jesus change them. Please keep that
in mind throughout this post.
And people who used to be abused (like me) can also change,
in the sense that they can stop allowing themselves to be abused. And Jesus can
heal them from any way that they've been hurt. The deeper the wounds, the longer the healing process can take. Forgiveness can seem like a
constant, neverending process, but it's necessary and worth it.
Meanwhile, while we ex-receivers of abuse were trying to get
help out of our abusive situations, or while we were processing the fact that
we were actually abused, and while we were being vulnerable enough about it to
talk to trusted people about it, we've encountered some bumps in the road. To
illustrate my point, I'll make up a story.
Imagine that Sally is married to Roy. Sally is an extremely
nice person, to an almost fatal fault. Roy is an extremely, secretively abusive
person. Roy's abusive tendencies keep him isolated, so he barely socializes at all,
and the only person who really knows him is Sally. Roy is physically and verbally abusive to
his wife Sally. If Sally sneezes too loud, coughs too loud, breathes too loud,
or simply exists in the same room as Roy, Roy won't hesitate to clench his
merciless fists and beat her up. While he's beating the crap out of her, he
yells at her and tells her that she's worthless and that he doesn't know why he
married her, because she's a terrible wife. Of course, Sally doesn't know any
better than to believe everything Roy tells her, because he's her husband, and
he's supposed to love her as Christ loved the church, right? As a result, Sally
believes that God is mad at her, she has almost zero self-esteem, and she lives
in constant fear. One day, she wakes up, God asks her, "Have you had
enough?" and she suddenly realizes that the way Roy treats her is 100%
abusive, 100% ungodly, and 100% wrong. She packs a suitcase, walks out the
door, signs up for therapy, files for divorce, and never looks back. Roy sends
her hatemail, which stings at first, but after talking with God and her
therapist, Sally realizes that Roy is unrepentant, and she no longer wishes to
subject herself to his extreme state of unhealthiness. She stops opening new
hatemail and sends it back to Roy ala "Return to sender." While she grieves
the loss of Roy and slowly puts her life back together, she feels her
self-esteem growing, she learns that God isn't mad at her at all, and her fear
gradually begins to melt away. Life is finally wonderful.
So, imagine what it's like for Sally to try to socialize
either with old friends or new friends who have absolutely no idea what she has
gone through:
"Hey, Sally! Have you talked to Roy lately?"
"Uh, no, he isn't my husband anymore."
"Aw, come on, Sally! God hates divorce!"
Really?
Yes, of course God hates divorce. He also hates it when
people get beat up for no reason.
"Hey, Sally! I was talking with my friend Maria. She and
her husband Gustavo recently got back together again!"
"Cool. Good for them."
"So, maybe you and Roy can get back together, too. God loves
reconciliation!"
Really?
Yes, of course God loves reconciliation. But He also loves
justice.
"Hey, Sally! Aw, why are you crying?"
"Today would have been my and Roy's 10th wedding
anniversary."
"Aw, that's too bad. Well, if you ever need a husband,
just call my house. Maybe my teenage boy could take you out on a date!"
Really?
A date would be nice. Know what would be nicer? Having a
friend who understands that you're grieving.
"Hey, Sally! I'm so shocked to hear that you and Roy
split up! What happened?"
"Well, it's a very long story, but basically he turned
out to be an abusive jerk. You can't see my facial scars underneath my makeup,
but he used to hit me on a regular basis."
"Aw, that makes me sad. I know he loved you. I bet he
misses you."
Really?
God loves me, but He doesn't give me black eyes, split lips,
and broken jaws. I hate to break it to you, but abuse ain't love. If a man is
married to a woman, that doesn't automatically mean he loves her. There is such
a thing as a loveless marriage, and there is such a thing as a marriage of
convenience. And I'm sure anyone who's owned a punching bag, and took it for
granted, missed it sorely after it grew a backbone, grew legs, and walked away.
Do you see how silly these well-meaning remarks sound?
Another thing I've learned the hard way is that there are 2 sides
to every story. (Or there may be 3, 4, or 5 sides, depending on the situation.)
So, there's always the possibility that a receiver of abuse could be
exaggerating or lying. There's always the possibility that the abuser is
completely innocent. And there's always the possibility that both parties are
responsible and that both parties are actually abusing each other. Life is a
crazy journey, and you never know what or who the heck will cross your path.
But I think most of the time, a person who has truly been
abused and decides to leave the abusive situation does so because he or she has
finally decided that he or she is sick of being abused. He or she longs for
freedom, hears the Healer beckoning and making a way for escape, and runs to
His open arms. Whether or not his or her friends believe, empathize with, or
understand him or her is another story.
But I hope in the meantime, we as a human race can learn that
not every story has an easy ending. Not every question has an easy answer. Not
every rainbow has a huge pot of gold at the end of it. And not every smile has
perfection behind it.
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