Unemployment, part 10

I think this post could also be titled "The waiting room." This post might also need to be rated PG-13.

You can notice a lot of cool things when God hits the brakes and slows life down for you. This evening during my field trip to the Dumpster and the mailbox, I noticed some caterpillars on the ground. I honestly don't like to be outdoors, but I always like to meet new critters. Aww. This particular one concerned me, though. It was hanging out between the cracks in the sidewalk. Sure, there are probably some dead leaves in there that it could eat. But that's no place to build a cocoon. Hey, little caterpillar, do you have any idea how many people will show up at your crack-home and walk their dogs, throw away their cigarette butts, and point their camera at you? That crack has some nice temporary shade, but I wouldn't make that my permanent address if I were you.

Speaking of brakes, while I was getting my car repaired last week, one of the TV sets at the dealership lobby was broadcasting soap operas. The TV was muted with the closed captions rolling, which brought back nice memories from one of my previous jobs, so I thought I'd check it out. Oh, my gosh. The soap opera I remember watching for my previous job seemed kinda cool at the time. But reading the dialogue at the dealership lobby helped me realize how majorly superficial these programs really are. Who writes this stuff? Some high-schooler? Typing with her feet? It's like fictionalized gossip. It's all about shiny he-said, she-said junk that doesn't matter. And it never ends. Because it's a soap opera. Stay-at-home moms are hooked while they fold laundry. Innocent bystanders are trapped at dealership lobbies while their cars are getting fixed.

Then God showed me that soap operas... well, they're nothing new to Him. Perhaps reading the following verses with a daytime-TV synthesizer playing softly in the background will help set the mood. And maybe imagining a close-up camera shot on the speaker towards the end of each scene would be a nice touch, too.

"Now Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them to his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, 'Please give me some of your son's mandrakes.' But she said to her, 'Is it a small matter that you have taken away my husband? Would you take away my son's mandrakes also?' And Rachel said, 'Therefore he will lie with you tonight for your son's mandrakes.' " (Genesis 30:14-15)

"Then it happened one evening that David arose from his bed and walked on the roof of the king's house. And from the roof he saw a woman bathing, and the woman was very beautiful to behold. So David sent and inquired about the woman. And someone said, 'Is this not Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?' Then David sent messengers, and took her; and she came to him, and he lay with her, for she was cleansed from her impurity; and she returned to her house. And the woman conceived; so she sent and told David, and said, 'I am with child.' " (2 Samuel 11:2-5)

"So Ahab went into his house sullen and displeased because of the word which Naboth the Jezreelite had spoken to him; for he had said, 'I will not give you the inheritance of my fathers.' And he lay down on his bed, and turned away his face, and would eat no food. But Jezebel his wife came to him, and said to him, 'Why is your spirit so sullen that you eat no food?' He said to her, 'Because I spoke to Naboth the Jezreelite, and said to him, "Give me your vineyard for money; or else, if it pleases you, I will give you another vineyard for it." And he answered, "I will not give you my vineyard." ' Then Jezebel his wife said to him, 'You now exercise authority over Israel! Arise, eat food, and let your heart be cheerful; I will give you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite.' " (1 Kings 21:4-7)

Yep, I'm pretty sure we human beings have been living soap operas, in a sense, ever since God first created us.

Speaking of waiting rooms, we human beings (if we're not careful) can get into a lot of trouble when we have to wait for something. In Exodus 32, after the Israelites were miraculously delivered from Egypt, they got tired of waiting for Moses to come down from the mountain, so they told Aaron to make them some gods. Um, I'm really not sure if Aaron just lacked a backbone or just didn't have the cool relationship with God that his brother Moses did, but he agreed and made... a golden calf. Really? And then he blamed the Israelites for the whole thing?

I probably shouldn't be too hard on Aaron. My heart has had a similar bent toward idolatry. "Yay, I love God! Now let me worship at the feet of my mentor!" I wonder if Father God looked down from heaven, poked Jesus in the ribs, and was like, "What?! After all We've done for her? She worships something that We made?" Maybe Jesus buried His head in His nail-pierced hands and groaned in frustration. And maybe the Holy Spirit just cried. Like, every time it happened. Because it was just like a soap opera. Oh, my gosh.

But crazy things like that can happen when you're forced to wait. Your heart gets squeezed, and you're unpleasantly surprised at the type of junk that gets squeezed out. I've been taught this, and now I think I've been experiencing it myself: The wilderness is a safe place for all that junk to get squeezed out and left behind forever.

"And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 8:2-3)

I've been unemployed for five months now. I wasn't expecting to be unemployed this long. But this crazy season is consistent with some things that God spoke to me at the beginning of the year, about this year. He said that this would be a tight year -- and it has been financially and emotionally. He said that this year would be fun and flexible -- and it has been, as I've relearned how to have fun and what I enjoy doing for fun, and heh heh, I've really had to be extremely flexible for sure.

I've learned some other cool things, too:

1) "Don't regret living your life." This is something that God has continually spoken to me during the past few months. If I'll think about my bills that are piling up, and I'll rewind in my brain to certain things that I spent money on and think that I probably shouldn't have -- like psychotherapy, TV dinners, and a couch -- God will show me that there's nothing wrong with spending money for stuff I need at the time that I need to buy it. I think that's basically the concept of manna: It's there when you need it. That's your provision at the time that you need to be provided for. If you don't use it when you're supposed to, it'll spoil.

2) A 40-ounce jar of peanut butter can go a long way. I won't go into details as to how I know that. But I will say that the Market Pantry brand, Extra Crunchy variety, available at Tar-jay, is my new favorite. French roasted!

3) I am not a loser. I don't care if really cool companies haven't hired me yet. (Yes, of course I care, but please hear my pep talk.) By the grace of God, I have two healthy cats who are still alive, a 38-year-old body that is still in good working order, a roof over my head, and a car in the parking lot. I'm good to go.

4) I'm OK with me. I don't care if people aren't knocking on my door and foaming at the mouth to hang out with me. (Yes, of course I care, but I'm in the middle of a pep talk here.) I have a brain in my head, books on my shelf, and DVDs in my living room to keep me entertained. Whether or not other people want me around, I want to stick around. I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here on planet earth until it's my time to croak or until Jesus comes back to whisk me away with Him forever.

5) My independence is God's gift to me. I'm OK with the possibility of never getting married. Whoa. Did you hear what I just typed? (That doesn't mean that I don't have swoon-worthy crushes. They keep coming, and they don't go away. Honestly, it's kind of annoying.) I'm not saying that I've taken a vow of celibacy. I'm saying that God has shown me that I'm not a helpless little damsel in distress. I can do stuff. With His help, I can do stuff. I'm 38 years old. No male has returned my feelings for him in 20 years. I don't have to wait around for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet in order for me to start living my life. In fact, I don't have time to wait for Prince Charming to grow a backbone and carry me off into the sunset. There's too much life to live. I have veins flowing through my strong arms now. I'm alive now. If Prince Charming falls from the sky and into my lap, then we can discuss a new future together. But he'll have to catch me first. I'm an alive, capable human being NOW.

Sure, unemployment is a very scary season. You're going fine, and then suddenly bam, you're behind on your bills and praying that your creditors will give you favor. Your relatives offer to send you money, along with a lot of unsolicited advice, and you have to take it even though they talk to you like you're 12 years old and have never done this unemployment thing before. You have a good cry to God almost every morning, and sometimes potential employers call you right in the middle of you praying for a job. You check your email about a dozen times a day because you're hoping that somebody, anybody, will finally offer you something that you're qualified to do. And you rewind in your brain and realize that you've been doing this for five months now, and you realize that the One who promised to keep you alive during a famine, Psalm 33:19-style, has done just that.

Of course, when I say "you," I mean "me."

I met another caterpillar today. This particular one delighted me. Instead of making its home in a crack like the one I showed you earlier in this post, this caterpillar was exploring its world. I think she traveled at least 20 feet in the short time that I interacted with her this evening. Here she is on a big tree's root. She kept poking her head up in the air. I wonder if she was trying to say hello or if she was trying to sniff me. Or maybe she has caterpillar superpowers that I don't know about. (They don't have little Uzis built into their heads, do they?) But she sure was active, and she sure was fun to watch. I hope she finds a safe place to develop her cocoon.

The cool thing about caterpillars, of course, is that they won't be caterpillars forever. After they hang out in their cocoons and wait for a while, they become beautiful butterflies.

While I'm waiting here in my unemployment cocoon, so to speak, I hope I don't do anything stupid, especially anything that could easily be written into a soap opera script. Or if I do (or if I already have), I hope God will cover it in His grace. Psalm 27:5 promises that God can hide me here during this troubling time. I sure hope I can claim that. And I know I'll definitely look back on this season with fondness.

Speaking of caterpillars, I'm glad my cats didn't meet them. Those caterpillars would be goners for sure. Oh, my gosh.