Motivation

These are my cats. Aren't they adorable? They're awesome. And they're pretty powerful. They're the reason why I sleep with my bedroom door closed at night (so they won't wander around and destroy things in my home while I sleep), why I buy so much carpet cleaner and paper towels (to clean up their occasional vomited messes), why I buy expensive cat litter about every two weeks (so my home won't stink, and because Macho's urinary-formula food works really well), and why I haven't invited people over to my home lately (because I'm kinda behind in cleaning up all that cat hair, and because some people are allergic altogether).

But as powerful as my babies are, they're not powerful enough to motivate me to walk in freedom and purity. That is the honest truth.

"For I am ready to fall, and my sorrow is continually before me. For I will declare my iniquity; I will be in anguish over my sin. But my enemies are vigorous, and they are strong; and those who hate me wrongfully have multiplied. Those also who render evil for good, they are my adversaries, because I follow what is good." (Psalm 38:17-20)

Lately while I've been reading through the Bible, I've been reading/meditating on a psalm per day. Yesterday, I happened to hit Psalm 38.

Heh. "Happened."

Sometimes I read psalms like this one, and I wonder if perhaps the songwriters went through the exact same issues that I've been going through, because they describe how I feel so much better than I could express it. David wrote Psalm 38. I wonder if he did so while he was herding sheep all alone, with nobody to watch his actions but God, with all the freedom in the world to do whatever he wanted, with nobody but God to shield him from the fiercely magnetic, ferociously merciless pull of his iniquity.

Yesterday, my goal was to not sin in a very specific way. I barely, barely, barely hit my goal, but I hit it. I couldn't have done it without God's help.

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand.

...

But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in the time of trouble. And the Lord shall help them and deliver them; He shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in Him." (Psalm 37:23-24, 39-40)

I've heard pastors preach about serious issues, and sometimes they'll say something like, "Why do I feel so passionately about this? It's so that my children will grow up in a better world" or "I'll think about my children, and I'll remember why I'm doing what I'm doing." OK, that's wonderful. I think keeping your life pure for the sake of your children is a very noble motivation for you.

But I don't have children to motivate me. And with all due respect, your children certainly aren't going to motivate me to pursue freedom.

The closest thing I have to children are my cats. Yes, they're powerful, but they're not powerful enough to shield me from sin, inspire me to walk in freedom, or be a sober wake-up call to embrace purity. In fact, last spring/summer when I fell into sin, my cats didn't really help at all. They're cats. They just sort of napped or snuggled or ignored me, and all three of us just adapted to one another like we always do. I love my cats extremely much, but they aren't my motivation.

In my previous post, I talked about how my relationship with God is my motivation to pursue freedom. Yes, God is definitely the most powerful Being in the universe. But He's also the most gracious. When you're used to the authoritative relationships in your life punishing or shaming you every time you mess up, you get used to fear being your motivation to perform perfectly. (Of course, when I say "you," I mean "me.") So, when you finally realize that the ultimate Authoritative Relationship in your life doesn't contain an ounce of fear but an endless river of love and grace, you may not know how to handle it. You know He's going to forgive you, so somewhere in the back of your mind is this crazy idea that you can just do whatever the heck you want, because He'll let you. Eventually, you realize that this is a deception, and you doing whatever the heck you want will be very expensive for you later on.

Last year, the final finishing touches on my freedom from depression (although partially motivated by my cats) were jump-started by a righteously selfish motivation: In a nutshell, I wanted to be free, for my sake.

And this time, with my current issues, I think what has motivated me the most to fight for freedom is a purely selfish reason: I want freedom. If I'm going to be rid of these issues, it's going to be up to me. That is the honest truth.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

I understand that there are people in my life who love me, care about me, and want to help me. And I appreciate that. But they aren't going to hold my hand every time I get tempted, struggle, or am in trouble. God will. But He is the Perfect Gentleman. He won't force me to behave. Only I can ultimately choose purity for myself.

I am my own motivation.

My motivation to pursue, embrace, and fight for freedom and purity is because I want it. I don't want to sin, because I don't want to deal with the resulting shame afterwards. I don't want to sin, because I don't want to repair the damage that I caused to my relationship with God afterwards. I don't want to sin, because I don't want to explain what happened to the people in my life afterwards. I don't want to sin, because I don't want to attract hell back into my life all over again. I don't want to sin, because I don't want to divide my creative energy to feed my flesh instead of focusing on composing something constructive that I can share with the world later on. I don't want to sin, because I don't want to deal with the physical, emotional, and spiritual cleanup afterwards. I don't want to sin, because I don't want to spend all my time trying to get free from it later.

It's just way too much trouble. That is the honest truth.

I wish it were more spiritual-sounding, but that is what ultimately motivates me to strangle iniquity, run from sin, and tiptoe around stumbling blocks: me.

My motivation for not answering my phone yesterday when a relative called out of nowhere was so that I wouldn't have to hear a "Happy Valentine's Day" pity call.

My motivation for not turning on my computer yesterday was because I didn't want to scroll through my Facebook newsfeed and see everybody's Valentine's Day posts. I don't mean to offend you if you posted anything, because you have the right to post whatever the heck you want on your own page; it's just that when a holiday is established to celebrate romantic relationships, and you don't have one, and everybody around you constantly reminds you of that, it can be a very painful holiday. You think it's about the flowers, gifts, and candy? Forget all that. I can buy all that for myself. It's about me not having a boyfriend, fiancé, or husband. He can keep his stupid Valentine's Day gifts. What I would want is him looking into my eyes, having a conversation with me, and developing a relationship with me.

I know myself. I know what motivates me.

So, yesterday, when I was resisting temptation as hard as I could, I looked up at God and asked Him, "Can we just talk?" Of course we could. And we did. You think the God of the universe doesn't care about the stupid little details of our lives? You can think whatever you want, but God and I talk about anything and everything. He still asks me what I'm thinking, even though He already knows it before I do, because He's my Friend, and friends take the time to build relationships with each other. The most powerful, busiest Being in the universe takes time to talk to me, hang out with me, and enjoy me. He has brought me this far, and He isn't ever going to leave me.

Frankly, that is my motivation for not hurting Him.