What happens when church becomes unsafe?

Are you disgusted? Good. You're in the perfect mood to read this really long post.

This disgusting photo is a picture of my shower after mildew grew in it for a few months. Unfortunately, I let it become so disgusting for several reasons. It's an isolated shower; I live by myself, so I'm the only one who uses it. I can't see a thing without contact lenses or glasses, so it took a while for me to realize how disgusting it had become. And for a long time, I was too busy with other things to actually make time to address the mildew problem.

Meanwhile, I discovered how ironic it was to get clean in an environment that was so dirty. I kind of became an expert at stepping around the mildewy spots. Dropping my soap was extra terrible because it would, of course, pick up mildew on contact, and the only readily available way to clean it off was to scrape off the mildew with my thumbnail. What a gross, terrible way to live! How clean was I really getting?

A few months ago, I briefly mentioned a disgusting topic in a blog post: spiritual abuse. I think I was fairly polite in that post. Warning: In this post, I'm not going to be very polite. My intention isn't to harm, shame, or condemn anyone. My intention is to help people. My intention is to shine a really bright light on a really heavy burden that some overly polite people have been carrying, and it's been crippling them like it crippled me. So, if you're one of those people, and especially if you've been afraid to speak up, please take courage. I would love to speak up for you, but I would love it even more if the information in this post were to become a launching pad for God to set you free from anything that you feel may have been imprisoning you, or for God to help you finally put your finger on something that's been bugging you for a while. Not all churches are unsafe, and not all unsafe environments are completely devoid of God moving in the lives of the people there. God can move anywhere He wants to move, and He can change anyone who will let Him. But He hates it when His people get hurt.

"Again Jesus said, 'Simon son of John, do you truly love Me?' He answered, 'Yes, Lord, You know that I love You.' Jesus said, 'Take care of My sheep.'" (This is part of the dialogue between Jesus and Peter in John 21:16.)

"Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers -- not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (This is Peter writing in 1 Peter 5:2-3.)

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to." (This is part of Jesus' chapter-long rebuking of the Pharisees in Matthew 23:13.)

"The word of the Lord came to me: 'Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: "This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally."'" (Ezekiel 34:1-4)

I first heard of the concept of spiritual abuse last summer, and I learned more about it when I took a class at church, where I learned about a book that's taught me a ton about it. The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen defines and explains spiritual abuse much better than I can, but I can tell you about it from my experience and understanding. I'm only about halfway finished reading the abovementioned book (it's a very heavy read), but it's been life-changing and extremely helpful so far. There are other books and resources out there on spiritual abuse, but this is the one with which I'm becoming familiar.

In a nutshell, spiritual abuse (also called spiritual rape) is, of course, abusing a person spiritually. It's someone in spiritual authority taking advantage of a person and manipulating them into furthering a spiritual agenda. It's neglecting to help someone who seeks out spiritual help. It's shaming someone while they are seeking out spiritual help. It's making someone feel as if they're sinning, when they're really not. It's twisting Scripture to one's own advantage, and then usually making someone feel like they're not as spiritual as you are, and running over them. It's being a legalistic Pharisee. It's someone in spiritual authority being so insecure that they try to control people spiritually and basically be God.

I was spiritually abused for years. I was in a spiritually abusive environment for so long that I ended up transferring to another spiritually abusive environment when I'd move to another church. Certainly not all of the churches I've ever attended were spiritually abusive, and that's totally God's mercy. I've been on a journey of discovering how abused I was. And I'm learning that abused people often become abusers, partially because it's what they've known.

I used to spiritually abuse people. I used to be a Pharisee. Some of those Bible verses that I quoted above haunt me. In college especially, I put myself on a pedestal, and I hurt people. Some of these people won't talk to me anymore, and I don't blame them. I worshiped evangelism and missions. It was when I was in a missionary school that I tried to commit suicide. Remember that photo of my disgusting shower? The previously mentioned book observes that one characteristic of spiritually abused people is a lack of life skills. Yes, I'm 35 years old, and I'm still learning how to clean house.

Getting free from spiritual abuse has become a very big deal to me. I'm finally understanding why some of my friends mistreated me and why other friends stopped following God after leaving our church environment. (While I was severely depressed, I also was considering not being a Christian anymore.) From my perspective, many of my past friends and I were in an environment where the entire church was on a track. The track wasn't pointing us to Jesus and showing us how to become the people that God designed us to be; it was insisting that we be as spiritual as possible and follow as many rules as possible so that we could feed into the church projects. If that sounds vague, it's because I don't want to mention any names on this public forum. But I would like to share with you some examples of abusive statements that I've heard throughout the years from preachers, church leaders, etc. Some of the bolded statements below are exact quotes, and some are paraphrases. I will follow each past statement with my present-day response.

God would never tell you to watch a movie.
Really? There are lots of movies that share the gospel. Would you object to Him telling me to watch those movies? Also, there are lots of regular, everyday, healthy things that I enjoy in my life that aren't explicitly, specifically mentioned by name in the Bible. Are you also suggesting that God would never tell me to put artificial lenses in my eyes (contacts), stand under a manmade waterfall (take a shower), operate a two-ton machine (car), or play a six-stringed instrument (guitar)? And speaking of entertainment...

Let your entertainment dovetail into evangelism or edification.
Yes, there are some overtly terrible forms of entertainment out there such as pornography, soap operas, and horror movies. That's honestly another topic of discussion altogether, because there are definitely some things in general that should be avoided. But you're saying that I can only participate in entertainment if I'm using it to share my faith with somebody or edify (build up or encourage) myself? You're saying that I'm not allowed to enjoy a healthy, rated-G work of art just for the sake of unraveling my brain -- even on my Sabbath, when I'm supposed to be resting? You're saying that all of my spare time needs to be spent on sharing the gospel? You're saying that all I'm good for is God "using" me to win converts? Yes, it is true that I need to share my faith. Jesus commanded me to do so. But wouldn't you say that I need to follow His way of doing it -- in the context of me being myself, the way He designed and redeemed me to be -- instead of your way? For instance...

If you're a Christian, you should want to be a missionary unless God calls you to do something else.
I'm sorry, but my Bible doesn't have that listed as the Eleventh Commandment. I'm curious if you've ever rebuked your financial supporters for not quitting their jobs to become missionaries. You're saying that the vast majority of Christians should become missionaries while only a teeny-tiny group of non-missionary people write monthly checks for your financial support? How much worse could this missionary thing sound?

If you want to be a missionary, you should practice here in the United States by winning at least one person to the Lord every six months.
Oh. Yeah, this is worse. You're saying I should completely forget the fact that we get saved by grace as an act of our FREE WILL of accepting Jesus as our Savior? Yeah, that's right. You can't force people to accept Christ. You can't guarantee that at least one person every six months will choose to accept Christ as an act of their FREE WILL. You can share truth with people, you can share the gospel with people, and you can pray for them (and God wants us to do these things!), but you can't make up their minds for them. In my past as a spiritual abuser/Pharisee, I would manipulate people into praying salvation prayers. This is heartbreaking. I wish I could track down these people and apologize to them.

If all it took for somebody to get saved was pray a prayer, I'd stand on the corner of the busiest intersection in town with a gun and make people pray the prayer.
Hmm. This statement doesn't make me feel any better. I'll try sarcasm: Yeah, that'll show people that you love them -- pointing a gun at them to scare them into heaven.

God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
I really wish you had qualified this statement for me. Yes, it's absolutely true that God allows trials to come into our lives so that He can build character in us and make us more like Jesus. But He's also the God of all comfort. If you're hurting, He wants to comfort you. He created you to be a person who has feelings, opinions, and a brain. If you're a healthy person who has healthy boundaries, you're not afraid of saying something like, "That makes me uncomfortable." Do you know who truly isn't interested in your comfort? Abusers. That reminds me...

[Me]  So-and-so has been violating me in the church youth room. Help.
[Pastor's wife] Don't tell the pastor. He has a big mouth.
Have you ever read that verse in the Bible where Jesus said that if you make a little one stumble, it would be better for you if a millstone were tied around your neck and you were cast into the midst of the sea (Luke 17:2)? Perhaps I'm quoting it out of context, or perhaps it totally applies here. I'll let you decide. Also, this particular example may actually be emotional abuse (rather than spiritual abuse), but I think different types of abuses morph together sometimes into one disgusting mildew spot.

[Shouted to a college student during a disagreement about spiritual matters] Children, obey your parents!
Perhaps you don't realize that the "child" in question is at least 18 years old and has a mind of her own. Barking at her to get her to agree with you probably won't endear her to you. Also, if you're going to partially quote Ephesians 6:1, to be fair, perhaps you should also invite the "child" to partially quote verse 4: Do not exasperate your children!

Yeah, we knew that the person who was discipling you had problems with codependence. But instead of warning you about it, we let this person keep discipling you. Now we get to visit you in the psychiatric hospital.
Have I ever told you that I have issues with pastoral neglect? If you're a church leader whose job it is to look after people, please remember that I'm a sheep who, at the end of the day, belongs to Jesus the Great Shepherd. I know that I'm more important to Him than I am to you (and I always will be), but could you please at least try a teeny-tiny bit to have my back?

So, I hope you get the idea that spiritual abuse, whether it happens on purpose or accidentally, is an extremely terrible thing. Jesus wants His people to be cared for, not harmed. But there's good news. Mildewy showers can become clean. Jesus is the Healer who can set free anyone who will let Him.

Healing from spiritual abuse/Phariseeism/legalism/holier-than-thou-religiosity can take a while. Squeezing out the leaven of the Pharisees can be a very long, grueling, task. But it's worth it. I'm worth it. You're worth it. People are worth it.

If you're in the ministry or are simply involved in a church, I would like to offer you some red flags that were in my own life and/or that I've observed from the lives of other people. Here are some indications that you could become spiritually abusive if you don't let God heal your heart.

1) Behind their backs, you make fun of the people you oversee. I don't think mocking people is what Jesus had in mind when He commanded me to love people. I'm not perfect. What right do I have to pick on somebody? I know I don't appreciate it when people do that to me.

2) You quote preachers' sermons more than you do the Bible. It certainly isn't wrong to quote other people's sermons. But I don't remember Jesus saying that He wanted me to simply regurgitate other people's insights or opinions. He wants me to have a relationship with Him and receive revelation directly from God. He wants me to be salt and light. He wants me to live a life that other people can point to and say, "She knows God, and it shows."

3) You believe that God wants you to clone yourself. I know we're supposed to make disciples and spiritually reproduce ourselves, but I don't think there's a big photocopy machine in heaven. God doesn't want robots. He wants people who have personalities, passions, and interests, and I believe that He wants Jesus to be at the center of my personality, passions, interests, and every nook and cranny of my life.

4) When something in a church setting bothers you, you stuff it down and pretend that it doesn't bother you. I'm not saying that it's OK for me to scream my displeasure at the top of my lungs during a church service. Church meetings are supposed to happen in an orderly fashion. I'm saying that if I don't acknowledge my feelings, especially when something's wrong, there's a strong chance that I won't let other people acknowledge their own feelings when they notice that something's wrong. Church is supposed to be a safe place. God gave us feelings, emotions, and instincts to warn us of a potentially unsafe presence.

By "church," I definitely mean the people that are in the body of Christ, and I also mean actual buildings where the body of Christ gathers. I'm not saying that the Holy Spirit won't sometimes prompt His people to do dangerous things like preach the gospel in a foreign country where Christianity is illegal. I'm saying that Jesus is a Shepherd Who's serious about making sure that His sheep are in good, safe hands.

Below is a photo of my shower after one and a half rounds of Tilex and a new liner. It isn't perfectly shiny, and I still need to do more cleaning and scrubbing. But it's much better and less gross. I think I'm really getting clean now! Is there mildew in your shower? Please put on a good pair of glasses and check it out. Let Jesus clean the disgustingness from your shower, like He's done for me and is still doing for me. There's no shame in letting Him roll up His sleeves and scrub the tiles to a new, clean shine.

 

What the bleep? You gotta be bleepin' kidding me.

One winter morning somewhat recently, I awoke shortly after my extremely adorable, extremely beloved little cat Choochie scratched my nose with her extremely sharp claw. You can't see it very well in the photo above (if you can see it at all), but it left a small scab on the left side of my nose. It healed quickly, and it was kind of hidden in my sea of freckles, anyway, but it was a painful way to start the day. I don't think Choochie was trying to hurt me. She was just trying to snuggle under the covers with me because she was cold and because snuggling and napping together is what cats do. (Actually, there are a lot of strange things that cats do. While I was typing those past two sentences, Choochie was chewing on the collar of my T-shirt. I'm convinced that she has a pica, and she is a neverending source of natural, non-electronic entertainment.)

I've drawn a boundary with Choochie. As much as I would love for her to snuggle with me on my pillow at night, I can't let her do it anymore because her whiskers poke my face and keep me awake. And now she accidentally scratches me. But here's another crazy fact: When I took her in 11 and a half years ago, I basically rescued her from getting declawed because her previous owners couldn't afford the procedure. I chose to let her keep her claws. I want her and my other cat Macho to keep their claws because, in my opinionated opinion, a cat without claws just ain't a cat. (Declawed cats, from my experience, are exponentially meaner than clawed cats. Declawed cats bite, possibly to compensate for their lack of claws.) I have to chase my cats around the apartment about once a month to trim their nails, and I occasionally get scratched, but they get to keep their claws. And I have to keep an eye on their nails because if they get too long, they could get caught on stuff, and my babies could get hurt. (When Choochie was a kitten, her little thumbnail got caught on the metallic part of her collar once.) So, nail maintenance can get complicated, but in my opinionated opinion, it's worth it.

Here's another thing about being a cat in my household. My cats are my furry family. My cats and I are a package deal. I want my cats to be as close to me as possible while observing the boundaries that I set for them. (Why do I feel like submitting an idea to Cloud and Townsend for a Boundaries With Cats book? On second thought, it would be a very short book. Insert rimshot here.) I want them to be comfortable enough around me to be the cats they were created to be. I just don't like my face to get scratched. (And I haven't even mentioned my furniture, but that's replaceable.)

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." (Psalm 62:8)

"Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O Lord." (Psalm 139:4)

I think I've quoted Psalm 62:8 before on this blog. Teaching me how to pour out my heart to Him was a major way that God began to set me free from depression about 11 years ago. In many ways, I was like a clogged drain emotionally. I needed to learn how to keep the flow going by puking out my emotions to Him, receiving His love, and repeating the process continually. Recently, He took me through another season of learning how to do so at a deeper, scarier level.

Perhaps anyone who follows me on Twitter remembers me mentioning a few months ago that I was learning how to cuss in God's presence. Because I was extremely angry at God while I was depressed all those years ago, the concept of being angry at God pretty much scares the crap out of me. But recently while I was going through a deeply emotional, scary season, after I did some majorly crazy things that God had told me to do, He basically encouraged me to be angry at Him, because that's how I was feeling, and He wanted me to just let it out. Jesus showed me that He died for me so that I could have that honest of a relationship with Father God.

I would like to balance what I said in the previous paragraph. I love God. I fear God. I don't want to disrespect God. I don't want to recommend anyone disrespecting God or hating Him or spitting in His face like I did in my suicidal past. But what He taught me personally just a few months ago was that there was some stuff inside me that He needed to remove, and His presence was the safest place for Him to do so.

So, in the refuge of His presence (like Psalm 62:8 mentions), in an environment that He controlled, where He called the shots and kept me safe, He squeezed some stuff out of me, and much of it happened through me cussing. Instead of whitewashing over my feelings, I needed to be exasperated about some bad stuff that had happened to me in my past. God needed to show me His perspective on the bad stuff and correct what I had believed about it. This all happened during a brief season. (He doesn't allow me to cuss in His presence anymore.) He showed me that I was like a tea bag that needed to steep. I was just obeying what He told me to do. From what I can tell, the anger and bitterness are gone, I'm much more honest with Him than I used to be, and He and I bonded through that series of experiences. It was kind of weird (I don't think they offer a How To Cuss With God class at church), but that's how God restored part of my soul. Actually, I've noticed that He tends to do a lot of cathartic exercises with people like me who were hurt in the past by being stifled emotionally.

When Jesus redeemed me, He didn't declaw me emotionally. He let me keep my emotions and my free will, and He didn't turn me into a robot. He doesn't want me to hurt Him, but He wants me to express myself to Him honestly. He already knows how I feel, anyway. Perhaps He wants me to discover how I honestly feel. In this post, I specifically talked about anger, but I really think God wants us to pour out all of the emotions in our hearts -- sadness, happiness, fear, contentment, confusion, relief -- not just anger.

Jesus is my Lord, but He's also my Best Friend. Intimate friends are extremely honest with each other. They aren't rude to each other, but there are times when the polite masks just come off and they're more real with each other than ever.

A mask -- why the bleep didn't I think of that bleepin' sooner?!? What a good idea for protecting my face from untrimmed claws! I'm kidding. My kitties delight my heart, no matter how sharp their claws get. As I type this, Choochie has nestled into a purring ball of feline snugglylove on my lap. Wait. No, she just jumped off. Oh, well. She's welcome back anytime.

You got a problem with my gentle and quiet spirit?

[Rather than cuing the theme music, single chick sits at her coffee table and eats her lunch. As she bites down on her pepperoni pizza and its greasy cheese oozes at the corners of her mouth, she is very content to listen to the ticking clock on the wall instead of any kind of music. Macho, her large orange cat, reclines in her lap and stares intensely up at his mama while subtly disguising his pizza-stealing agenda with a desire to snuggle. Single chick finally remembers that she's supposed to be hosting an episode for her readers. Still chewing, she begins to speak.]

Oh. What's up, y'all? This is another episode of Here's What It's Like To Be Single Theater. [She wipes the corners of her mouth with a napkin. Then she hesitates.] I'm sorry. I'm distracted by the orangeness of this grease on a white napkin. It kinda matches my cat. Ooo. [She stares at her napkin in silence for a moment. Macho meows, waking her up to reality.] Hi, kitten.

So, usually on Here's What It's Like To Be Single Theater, I conduct diversity training about singlehood. If you'd like to catch up on past episodes, please check out previous blog entries from 4/23/11 and 11/29/11. Today, instead of focusing on singlehood, I'd like to focus on womanhood. There seem to have been some stereotypes about this particular topic throughout the centuries. Yes, that was an intentional understatement. I struggled a bit to come up with an original title for this blog post without ripping off anyone else's ideas, i.e., parodying Billy Joel's "She's Always a Woman," which honestly seems a bit insulting to me as a female despite its intoxicating melody, or that "I am woman, hear me roar" song which I have yet to actually hear but have heard parodied ad nauseum and actually parodied myself once. Hmm. I wonder if I should just pull it up on YouTube and... I'm sorry. I distracted myself again with my stream of consciousness.

"Do not let your adornment be merely outward -- arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel -- rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (1 Peter 3:3-4, NKJV)

I had a friend once who was disturbed by the above Scripture reference. She had a disposition that was neither gentle nor quiet. I basically told her that it says "gentle and quiet spirit, not gentle and quiet personality." We're created in God's image, right? He gives us different personalities. Some of us women have very driven and strong personalities, while other women have very gentle and quiet personalities, while the rest of us women have a random mixture of something in between all that.

Last month, I attended women's events at two completely different church venues two nights in a row. The first event was a good night overall, but as I walked out of the building amidst a crowd of cackling, I didn't really feel like I fit in. The second night started out with a fashion show and a shocking declaration that the eyebrows are the most important part of a woman's face, and it also was a good night overall, but I think it helped to solidify the feelings that I'm about to express in this post...

Women are a diverse bunch of people! We aren't all the same! Not all of us are into beauty tips and cooking and collecting pink outfits! In fact, some of us ferociously run away from all of that! Some of us are nerdy and quite proud of it! Some of us hate to wear makeup and are allergic to perfume! Some of us are extremely artsy-fartsy, to the point of distracting ourselves while we're blogging!

I can't speak for everybody, but for me, the more God frees up my soul, the more secure I become in my womanhood. Heck yes, I want to look good. But my style probably won't be found on any runway. My style is more the punk-wannabe look that I sported back in the 90s, around the time when I stopped wearing makeup. I have to trim my nails short so that they don't interfere with playing my guitar. (I used to buff my nails nice and shiny, but I stopped that after I started to play the guitar so much that the friction started buffing/ripping off half of one of my nails.) My schedule has become so busy that "cooking" has turned into heating up TV dinners and eating sandwiches, and I've become best buddies with my dishwasher. I only shop for clothes when I wear out my old ones. And I'm OK with that.

Not all women are clueless about "manly" things like sports, hunting, or cars. And not all men are clueless about "womanly" things like fashion, housekeeping, or openly expressing emotions. Actually, I really wish that someone had taught me much earlier in life that that last one is completely OK and even normal for women (and men) to do. When something hurts or just hits you strongly, it's OK to cry! There are a lot of things that I really wish I had known earlier about being a woman, and I wish I had been encouraged to explore the reasons why I was drawn to certain things instead of stifling them or pretending that they weren't there. Perhaps the good things I was drawn to could have blossomed sooner, and perhaps the bad things I was drawn to could have been cut off sooner.

For example, would you like to see some of the toys that I used to play with when I was a little girl? (I'm planning to sell them on eBay soon.)

Aw, yeah, I liked action figures. I owned dolls, too, but what made the action figures more fun than the dolls was their intricate details. Check out the muscles on those plastic little bods! I like details. Artsy-fartsy people like details. We drown in details. Also, the first time I discovered what a "tomboy" was, I was discouraged from calling myself one. I wonder if perhaps I'd been allowed to label myself as such earlier in life, I could have dealt with some extremely important gender issues earlier in life.

Earlier in this post, I mentioned that being a woman means having a gentle and quiet spirit. What are some other things that the Bible says about what it really means to be a woman?

"The heart of her husband safely trusts her." (Proverbs 31:11a, NKJV)

"She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls... She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for the tasks... She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness... Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:14-15, 17, 25-27, 30 NIV)

The other day, I walked into a grocery store to do my regular mundane grocery shopping, and I noticed that I was very excited about it. God showed me that I'm a woman; therefore, I like to shop. Yes, even doing something as non-thrilling as walking into a grocery-store deli and picking out a salad and a bottle of juice is exciting for me in a relaxing, yay-I-get-to-choose-something-from-zillions-of-detailed-options kind of way.

Technically, the verses in Proverbs 31 are talking about being a wife. However, since there's no guarantee that I'm ever going to become anyone's wife, I don't think that I'm exempt from taking these verses seriously. I want to be the kind of woman that God can trust. I want to fear Him. I want to walk and talk wisdom. I was not designed to sit around and do nothing and gossip. I was designed to be diligent. I was designed to "hunt" for things like bargains and time-savers, and then bring them home to hungry people and excitedly declare, "Look what I found!" No, there isn't anything wrong with being a woman who's a girly-girl who likes to wear perfume and paint her nails and match her makeup with her outfit. But if all that becomes her sole focus, perhaps she's missed the entire point of being a woman.

Wait. What was I saying? I'm sorry. I distracted myself again. I think maybe I should stop typing and finish writing my new song.

Thanks again, y'all, for joining me here on Here's What It's Like To Be Single Theater. Hmm. I wonder if I should change the show's title to Here's What It's Like To Learn How to Be Yourself Theater. [Lost in her artsy-fartsy thoughts, single chick belches aloud. Purring aloud on her lap, Macho sniffs the aroma of his mama's lunch. He has forgotten about his pizza-stealing agenda and is completely lost in the snuggliness of his mama's love.] Stay tuned to Windowbrawl, where I hope to blog soon about Choochie.

Wait. Is it time to eat yet?

I often blog about my cats. And I also blog about food. But now, I'm going to blog about... wait for it... cat food.

Recently, I brought home a new bag of food for my cats. They seemed very interested in the bag right away, but they needed to finish their old food before it was time for me to feed them their new food. I also recently noticed some holes in the bag and that the area around the holes was moist. I had a suspicion of how the bag got this way. And while I was taking pictures to document the bag because I got an idea for a blog post...

...Macho validated my suspicion by boldly interrupting my photo shoot and chewing and licking the bag. Um, kitty, if you had waited like 20 more minutes, you could have had your food served right into your bowl, right under your nose, right where you could readily access it and enjoy it.

This isn't a bag of cheap Wal-Mart cat food. (I don't even shop regularly at Wal-Mart. I don't even like Wal-Mart. Years ago, I used to blog about how much I dislike Wal-Mart. If you're curious about my opinion, please check out my reposted post.) Choochie won't even touch Wal-Mart cat food anymore. She can tell the difference between the cheap stuff and the good stuff.

Yes, this is a bag of specialty cat food that I bought at the vet for over $30. (It was prescribed after Macho had some boy-cat issues a few months ago, but that's another story.) Purina One makes a nice cheaper substitute that my cats seem to enjoy, but I don't think they ever chewed through a bag like this. And I've never seen my cats chew through a bag of cheap Wal-Mart cat food. No, they know that this $30+ bag of specialty vet food is the real deal.

"The eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food at the proper time. You open Your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing." (Psalm 145:15-16)

I don't usually feed my cats straight out of my hand, but I thought it would be a great way to illustrate Psalm 145:16. It's a blurry photo because there was a lot of hungrily frantic commotion. Choochie is the mixed-Siamese blur on the left, and Macho is the orange blur who's scarfing down his food on the right. Oh, it delights my heart just to see this photo! It delights me so much to feed my cats what they need. Their diet isn't cheap. It's a cocktail of three different foods that I feed them in different quantities at different times of the day. I kind of obsess over feeding them. They have food that helps their teeth, hairballs, and boy-cat issues. If Macho eats too much, he won't keep it down. If Choochie doesn't eat on time, acid reflux will torment her. The cheap Wal-Mart stuff doesn't give them shiny coats. You can call me a crazy cat lady if you want, but my cats are my babies. I love them, I value them, I want to take good care of them, and I want to give them the very best. I usually feed them in bowls, though. Feeding them straight out of my hand requires a lot of gentleness and patience on my part.

After I wrote most of the first draft of this post and thought I had plenty to share, something new happened. One evening while I was behind the closed bathroom door, I heard noises that sounded like the cats were playing with one of their toys. When I emerged from the bathroom, I saw the following horrifying scene outside the door.

If I'm out of container space, I store cat food taped up in its original bag on the floor. What was left of the taped-up $30+ bag of specialty cat food had somehow been dragged five feet and had entirely new, moist chomp marks. Macho was nearby wearing his halo. So, I stuffed this bag remnant into a couple of Target bags and closed it up safely in a closet. Gosh! Either the pet-food company needs to make sturdier bags, or $30+ is an excellent investment in something that Macho can really sink his teeth into. (Maybe it's a good thing I didn't get the extra-large $50+ bag.)

Now I'll talk about people food. Several years ago, I traveled with family to visit relatives that lived in a city about two or three hours away. We ate breakfast before we left, and we arrived at my relatives' house around lunchtime. However, our relatives didn't make any mention of any lunch plans. The people I traveled with, in my opinion, were being way too polite to inquire about any lunch plans. My stomach and I became pretty darn anxious about the fact that nothing was being done about any lunch plans. So, we didn't eat lunch. We just visited relatives while hungry. I guess our relatives assumed that we ate lunch on the road. The minutes turned into hours, and my hunger distracted me, consumed me, devoured me. How the heck was I supposed to enjoy my relatives when all the heck I could think about was when the heck I was going to eat again? We even drove to the store to buy food to make dinner, and I don't remember stopping on the way to grab a bite to eat. I don't remember if we were allowed to nibble on some junk food to stop the hunger pains. I just remember going along with the rest of the relatives and politely keeping my peace about how starving I was. I don't think it would have been rude to have said something like, "I haven't eaten lunch yet. Would you mind if I swung by the burger place on the corner and grab something? I can pick up a burger for you, too, if you like. Be right back!" This was a frustrating situation for me. In my opinion, the people who traveled with me made me wait unnecessarily to satisfy my hunger.

As a result, now anytime I travel or make any type of extended plans with anybody, I'm very deliberate about mealtimes. "So, are we going to eat breakfast/lunch/dinner? If not, I'm gonna swing by somewhere and grab some tacos." Unless there's a God-initiated fast going on, this chick's gotta eat. Heck yeah, I wanna know when I'm gonna get to satisfy my hunger. When can I eat my food?

I think this was the cry of the psalmist's heart in Psalm 42:2: "My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?" I think spiritual hunger is very similar to the desperation of physical hunger.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." (This is Jesus talking in Matthew 5:6.)

"Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife." (Proverbs 17:1)

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:13-14)

God has been teaching me lately about waiting. Waiting can be very hard to do sometimes, no matter how patient you are, and no matter how laidback or easygoing your personality is... especially when you're desperately hungry. There are some hunger pains that require a waiting period before satisfaction, and they cannot be satisfied with junk food. If I'm lonely, I probably shouldn't automatically turn on the TV and substitute it for people. If something in my past broke my heart, I probably shouldn't automatically volunteer for overtime at work to distract myself from my pain. If I'm desperate for advice, I probably shouldn't automatically pick up the phone and call someone without asking God what He thinks about my situation first. There isn't anything wrong per se with the activities that I just mentioned. It's just that God wants me to come to Him first. I need to. I have tasted and have seen that God is good, like it says in Psalm 34:8, and now I can't be satisfied with anything else. He is the only One who is capable of meeting every single need of my heart, and He WANTS to do so.

"But you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you." (This is God talking in Psalm 81:16.)

Psalm 145:15-16 that I quoted above is my most favorite Bible passage ever. God wants to open His hand and satisfy all of our desires in His timing. Waiting for Him to satisfy the cravings, needs, and desires that are inside me -- love, friendship, security, closeness, artistic expression, financial provision, encouragement, strength, righteousness, etc. -- can be very hard. But it's worth the agonizing wait.

Remember the chomped-up remnant of $30+ specialty cat food? I wonder if maybe that's how God wants me to treat Him, His word, and His food. "Lord, I'm craving Your food, and I want to eat now. I don't care if anyone's looking. And I don't care if people make fun of me for reading Bible websites at work or reading Gideon New Testaments in my car or taping index cards with Bible verses on my bathroom mirror. I need breakfast, lunch, dinner, and lots of snacks in between. I can't be a malnourished Christian. I need to sink my teeth into Your word, digest it, and grow big and strong. I need to hear You talk to me, and I can't even function if I can't hear Your voice. I'll lock myself in a closet if need be until I hear from You. I'm starving now, but if You want me to wait, I can wait hours upon hours for You if You want me to. I only want to eat the best stuff, and Your food is the best stuff."

In Matthew 4:4, Jesus quotes a verse in Deuteronomy when He says, "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." It's Christmastime. The whole point of this enjoyable time is to celebrate the birth of Jesus, God's only Son, the promised Messiah who made a way for us to know God as a Father. Jesus is the only way that we can know God and satisfy the deepest desires of our hearts. In John 6:35, Jesus calls Himself the Bread of Life. After He came to earth as a baby, died for me on the cross as the Son of Man, and was risen from the dead, He ascended into heaven. I'm waiting for Him to come back again. I hope He comes back very soon, but He is infinitely more than worth the wait.

This was a long post. I'll bet you were waiting for it to end. Thanks for reading, and Merry Christmas!

It's too dang early for Valentine's Day!

What's up, reader? I gotta produce another episode now of Here's What It's Like To Be Single Theater. Let's hang out. [Punk-ska metal music plays very loudly in the background. Single chick air-dries her heavily gelled hair by flicking it from side to side, in time to the hard music, while her cats scurry out of the room.] In our previous episode on 4/23/11, we had a crash course on marital status diversity training. I think I was fairly polite. However, today's episode may have a different flavor.

"Truth shall spring out of the earth, and righteousness shall look down from heaven." (Psalm 85:11, NKJV)

Reader, I need to offer you a disclaimer in these next few paragraphs. One of the jobs that God has for me while I'm on this planet is to write. He's been showing me that if I'm going to be a writer, I need to not be afraid of offending people. I also shouldn't be afraid of expressing my opinion. So, I've been wrestling with several truths, and I'd like to share these truths with you before I proceed with this blog post. 1 Corinthians 13 says that if I were to speak with tongues of angels and have all knowledge and even give my body to be burned, but I don't have love, I may as well be a clanging symbol. In Matthew 22:39, Jesus says the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Proverbs 27:5 says that open rebuke is better than hidden love (or love carefully concealed). Ecclesiastes 3:7b says that there's a time to be silent and a time to speak.

So, I think it's time for me to speak. I have very strong opinions about singlehood that I haven't really shared this openly before. I could keep my mouth shut out of love. However, I really hope it would help people if I were to openly share my opinion on these issues. I also don't believe that I would truly be myself, the Tirzah that God designed fearfully and wonderfully (see Psalm 139:14), if I were to keep my mouth shut about these issues any longer. It is out of a desire to help people and a desire to express myself honestly that I will share the rest of this blog post. I'm not trying to be mean, rude, or offensive. I'm just trying to let truth spring out of the earth and express how I truly feel. Maybe there are some single people out there who agree with me but are afraid to speak up. If so, I'll be more than happy to speak up for them today.

If it's been more than 10 years since you first met me, perhaps it may shock you that meek, cheerful little Tirzah actually has opinions of her own. Yes, that unnecessarily submissive, abused, soul-bruised little creature who used to have a smile plastered to her face when she was depressed and ulcer symptoms when she was unassertive and who would crawl back into her "loving people means never rocking the boat or stepping on people's toes, especially if you're a woman, because all the best decisions are made by men" cage anytime she was told to do so... well, she's gone. Tirzah's here. I'm about to share about singlehood more bluntly and graphically than I've ever shared before. If my opinions about these issues could possibly offend you and/or ruin our friendship/relationship, please feel free to stop reading this post now. And, of course, if you're just curious, please keep reading. Or if you're very offended after reading and care enough about our friendship/relationship to discuss your offense with me, please contact me, and I'll be more than happy to talk it out with you. I welcome online comments, but if they seem inappropriate (i.e., containing suggestive/vulgar language, especially if they make me or my readers feel unsafe), I'll delete the comment and probably talk to you about it. Yeah, that's right. I don't have a problem with you or me being assertive. Please consider this to be a heads-up, in love.

Whew. That disclaimer might be longer than my actual post. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

So, what's all the fuss about Valentine's Day if it isn't even Christmas yet? If you're new to my life or are still trying to figure me out, I need to give you some background information. I haven't had a date in over 17 years, and singlehood isn't something that I've chosen. (To my knowledge, I don't believe that God "called" me to be single, either.) During all this time, the closest I've come to having mutual feelings for a guy was a few years ago. The guy called me, and during the first hour of the conversation, I decided that I didn't like him anymore. I spent the next two hours trying to get him off my phone, and at the end of the conversation, he finally told me that he liked me, to which I basically replied a polite thank-you. So, there's been 17 years of datelessness and numerous upon numerous crushes and one guy who I was completely, absolutely, genuinely in love with, but it wasn't mutual, and the agonizing heartbreak prompted me to write songs about him, etc. I'm hoping you get the picture. No men in my life.

So, this morning when I got a church email telling me to convince the man in my life to attend a men's retreat, it highlighted my pain out of nowhere. It was like Valentine's Day all over again. I mention Valentine's Day (which I've blogged about a few times) because it's basically a slap in the face every year that says, "You are single, alone, and of no use to a society in which romantic couples are a major driving force." No amount of candy, flowers, or greeting cards is enough to console my pain. But I'll get back to this pain-consolation idea later.

For now, I'll get back to the marital status diversity training. You've heard of FAQs, right? Frequently Asked Questions? Well, today, I'd like to offer you Frequently Regurgitated Solutions. I guess I need to call them FRSs? Hmm. That abbreviation looks like it's missing some letters. FiRSts? Nah, these aren't new. FRaSes? Maybe. FReckleSs? Heh. I should stop adding letters before I have to delete my own blog post. Anyway, ahem. The following is a list of FRSs (bolded) that people have actually told me (not necessarily word for word), and I'll follow them with answers that, in retrospect, I should have replied.

You'll find a husband and have children someday. You're so pretty.

Thank you for the compliment. However, is being good-looking the only criterion for finding a husband and bearing children? And is that all I am to you? A piece of meat and an unclaimed uterus?

You're young. There's still plenty of time to find a husband.

35 is young to you? My biological clock, which ticks so loudly that it wakes me up at inconvenient times throughout the day, seriously begs to differ.

Are you doing anything to find your husband? You should pray for a husband.

Did you do anything to find your spouse? No, of course not; your spouse found you, because you are worth finding and pursuing, and so am I! And if I had a nickel for every time I prayed for a husband, I'd probably have my car paid off.

So-and-so is single. Maybe you could date him. I don't know if he's a Christian, but...
Uh, if he isn't a Christian, our softwares would be incompatible. Next, please.

So-and-so is single. What about him?

The guy who never talks to me except to call me "sweetie" and half-hug me? You've never met me, have you?

Are you dating anybody? No? What about that crush you had on so-and-so? Are you dating him yet?

If I were dating anybody, I would have told you by now. As in, "Hi, Tirzah, how are you?" "Fine, thanks, especially because I'm dating somebody now!" This is a terrible thing to admit, but it's the truth: Just because I have a crush on a guy doesn't necessarily mean it's mutual, and interest doesn't automatically equal dating. May we please, please, please change the subject? This one makes me feel like I just fell on the sidewalk and skidded, scraping across my heart. Seriously, I'd be happy to talk about almost any other subject but this one. Did you know that José Feliciano played "Flight of the Bumblebee" on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1965?

Well, maybe if you'd show more skin or start wearing makeup or learn how to cook or [insert any type of self-improvement here].

Of course I'm not perfect. Yes, there are lots of minor things about me that I should probably change. But the bottom line is that any guy who gets involved with me would need to get involved with the real me, not the fake me. If he wants food, he should marry a restaurant. If he wants money, he should marry a bank. If he wants glamour, he should marry a supermodel. Any man who would want to marry ME would need to get to know ME and marry ME. And I'm most certainly not going to give away any free samples.

You know, men don't always have to initiate. In the Bible, Ruth initiated with Boaz.

In the Bible, Ruth lived in simpler, Jewish times. I'm not a biblical scholar, but from what I understand, Ruth initiated a relationship with Boaz because it was the custom of the time for a widow to marry a relative. Yeah, that's right -- minor detail. Ruth wasn't a 35-year-old virgin with a full-time job, two cats, and her own apartment. She was a WIDOW who was living with her mother-in-law and wasn't financially well-to-do. So, please stop comparing my situation to a Bible story that is barely-like-my-situation.

When I was in my 20s, I married a guy you had a crush on. However, I really think you should try online dating.

I have mixed feelings about your opinion. If you ended up with so-and-so right away, you definitely know how to get a good guy, and you probably know what you're talking about. However, you are adding insult to injury. You yourself didn't try online dating, and in that arena you have no idea what you're talking about.

I would like to elaborate on my extremely strong opinion about online dating. I have friends who met their spouses online, and they're very happy with them. However, I've also heard horror stories about the kinds of people who have profiles on online dating sites. I mean, come on. Anyone nowadays can sit behind a computer and just type anything. [My name is Jacques. I was born in Paris, and I won the Nobel Peace Prize when I was merely 17 years old. My hobbies include traveling with nonprofit organizations to deliver books to children, sky-diving, gardening, and taking long walks along the beach.] See? Are you honestly telling me that an online dating site would be just-add-water instant happiness for me? I find it patronizing and disturbing for people to encourage me to shop for this type of guy online and date him, only to find out the following. [What I didn't include in my profile is that I have a (expletive deleted) problem with authority, extremely bad breath, a wandering eye for (expletive deleted) waitresses, and I attend the church of do-whatever-the-(expletive deleted)-I-want. Oh, yeah, and I hope you don't mind, but I used my cousin's picture in my profile because all you (expletive deleted) women can't tell the difference, anyway. How soon can you get married? I will now proceed to mock you to within an inch of your (expletive deleted) self-esteem. Don't be so uptight. I'll treat you right.] Excuse me, but I'm not buying a car. I'm not just looking for something cheap that has as little mileage on it as possible so that I can get from point A to point B. We're talking about a relationship.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." (James 1:17)

I believe that relationships (in general, not just the romantic kind) fall into the "good and perfect gift" category that James mentions above. Take friendship, for example. I've asked God, tearfully, to bring me friends, and He has. Sometimes I have to find them myself. And sometimes they're practically handed to me on a silver platter and come with a "Tirzah, I want to be your friend" declaration. (If you wanted a friend, would you really try to find a good online friendship site?) I'm not saying that my friends and I don't have to work at our friendships. I'm saying that when I think about my good friends, I mentally take a step back and basically go, "God gave this person to me as a friend because He's a good Daddy." I strongly believe that a husband should arrive the same way, if he's destined to arrive in my life at all. Regardless, Father God is a good Father who gives good gifts, period.

He's the One who gave me Jesus, the Son of Righteousness who arises with healing in His wings (Malachi 4:2). Yeah, that's right. God is the One who can console me infinitely better than any Valentine's Day candy, flowers, or greeting cards ever could.

Sigh! This is probably the first time I've ever blogged about Valentine's Day two months early. Yes, I'm pretty sure that God has an awesome purpose for this season of extended involuntary singleness in my life, but once in a while, it can really hurt like heck. Incidentally, if you see me walking down the street, and I start to cry each time we meet (like it says in that Dionne Warwick song), please don't just walk on by. Maybe you could offer me a Kleenex, a shoulder, or a listening ear. FRSs probably won't help. But Kleenexes, shoulders, and listening ears usually work just fine, my friends. Those are the gifts that keep on giving.

And thanks, readerdude, for gifting me with your presence today. Stay groovy, and thanks again for joining me on Here's What It's Like To Be Single Theater. [Industrial metal music plays loudly in the background while single chick stares into space and wonders how her life would have turned out differently if she had gotten her eyebrow pierced back in 1999. Her heavily gelled hair has now dried to a crunchy consistency that has possibly attracted her small cat, who detects single chick's calmness and jumps on her shoulder and purrs.] Speaking of crunchiness and cats, stay tuned to Windowbrawl, where I hope to bring you a new post sometime later this week.