Hmm. I can't speak for everyone who is single, but speaking of public
service, just because I'm single doesn't mean that I'm available to serve my
married friends hand and foot. Just because I have a free Saturday night
doesn't mean that I'm available for free babysitting services. Heck, just
because I like kids, and just because I'm a woman, doesn't mean that I'm
skilled at changing diapers. Just ask the church nursery that I used to
"volunteer" at. Please don't take advantage of me and my
availability, and please don't take me for granted.
But I digress. Speaking of church, please allow me to conduct a bit of
diversity training on worship-service etiquette. Let's say it's either Saturday
evening or Sunday morning. Since I'm a single person who's brave enough to
attend church without waiting for 20 other single friends to join me, I don't
have a problem sitting alone, and I usually try to sit in the middle of an
empty row so that the aisle seats will remain open for latecomers, just like
the church bulletin/announcements say that we're supposed to do when we arrive
early. So, I'm soaking up atmosphere and minding my own business while I'm
waiting for the church service to start. Then the church service starts, and an
entire family files into my row, and somebody asks me to scoot down. I like
church. I like people. I like to encourage people to go to church, so I don't
want to discourage anybody from attending. But please put yourself in my shoes.
If I'm already feeling a little bit lonely from sitting by myself in the middle
of an empty row for 15 minutes, and some latecomers shoo me away just because they
need my seat, not only does it distract me from my worship time, but it also
causes me to drop everything and go through a forgiveness process before
proceeding. Seriously, if you see tears in my eyes during the fast songs at the
beginning of the service, it might not be because I'm worshiping. It might be
because I'm being treated like furniture.
Just because I'm single doesn't mean that I'm a piece of furniture. I'm
also not a piece of leftover pizza. Unfortunately, I've noticed that some
people seem to think that women are only good for one thing, so we single women
who aren't fulfilling our only-one-thing purpose in life because we're
celibate... well, we've gone to waste. To these people, we're like the last
piece of pizza -- the shriveled-up one that was a bit overcooked and a bit
unadorned -- that sits in the takeout box in the refrigerator and is forgotten
until it emits an odor that announces to the entire household that the takeout
box, and its expired contents, must be disposed of. At least, to these "I
have no idea how to relate to you because you're not reproducing" people, the
fact that we're minding our own business and getting whooped at and whistled at
and talked about loudly by a group of teenage little boys... well, supposedly
that should be flattering. I'm sorry, but I'm here to tell you that being
treated like a piece of meat by perfect strangers who we're old enough to
diaper is about as flattering as being treated like a piece of pizza.
We single people are legitimate human beings. And more than likely, we
didn't choose to be single -- we simply choose to wait for the right person to
marry, even if that means dying single. Quite frankly, most of us who are
"called" to be single or who simply don't want to get married are
already at the monasteries or convents. We hurt when we spend yet another night
alone, we ache when we enjoy yet another weekend without anyone to share it
with, and we sigh in frustration when we realize how loudly our biological
clocks are ticking. And yet...
While we're waiting, we single people are becoming excessively strong
individuals. I can't speak for guys, but I can say that we single women have
learned, by sheer necessity, how to do things such as juggle insane
working/cleaning/volunteering schedules, haul and unload two weeks' worth of
groceries twice a month, and tighten a loose toilet-seat lid. (Not necessarily
simultaneously.) We multitask. We prioritize. We achieve.
And, yes, we yearn. In fact, please DON'T ask us if we're dating anybody,
because that innocent little question could send us from "Yay, I'm on top
of the world!" to "What the bleeping heck is wrong with me?" in
no-time flat. Look at the ring fingers on our left hands. If they're naked,
that probably means we're not engaged or married yet. If there isn't a guy
hanging on my arm and mesmerized by my every word, there's a very strong chance
that I'm NOT dating anybody. If my conversation with you didn't start out with
something like, "Hey, how's it going? I have a date this week!"
there's a very strong chance that I'm still single. If I become very vulnerable
with you and discuss a certain guy that I have a crush on, being asked later "Hey,
whatever happened with that crush?" will probably NOT be my favorite
question to be asked, either. If we single women knew how to turn a crush into
a spouse, well, we wouldn't still be single.
Not that singlehood is a disease that's contagious and must be cured or
else. "Oh, you're single? Ooh, my Uncle Guido just got out of prison, and he's
single, too" does NOT make me want to go window-shopping for wedding
dresses. Hello, I'm a CHRISTIAN. I love JESUS first. I'm extremely SERIOUS
about purity. Please DON'T suggest that I date an atheist. I'm not saying I
have anything against atheists; I have friends who are atheists. I'm just
saying please use a teensy bit of common sense. And, I mean, get to know me. If
my favorite running joke is that I have a boyfriend named Jacques who flies me
to the French Riviera on his jet, and I swoon over exotic-looking, dark-
or-silver-haired men, then no offense, but your severely obese, shaggily
bearded redheaded cousin Bubba, whose biggest aspiration is to drink an entire
keg of beer in one sitting, probably ain't gonna sweep me off my feet.
Going back to the subject of church, just because we're single doesn't
automatically mean that we're supposed to attend the church singles group.
Maybe we don't go because we don't feel welcome. Or maybe we got tired of
defending our right to be there. Or maybe we got tired of getting chased by
perverts who the jerky singles pastor did nothing to defend us from. Perhaps we
got tired of getting slapped in the face with "you're single and you're
lonely, you're single and you're lonely, you're single and you're lonely"
every single week. Or perhaps instead of focusing on our singlehood, we choose
to focus on our interests. Single people have other interests besides checking
out other single people. Some of us like to sing. Some of us are artists. Some
of us like to serve behind the scenes and learn how to be strong, content, and
productive wherever God has us.
So, please keep these things in mind the next time you meet an
involuntarily single person. That person hopefully won't be single for much
longer and would like to be treated like a valid human being in the meantime.
(And, no offense, but we single women are more than likely NOT interested in
stealing your husbands from you. His unavailability, quite frankly, makes him
about as attractive as a tree stump. Please keep your husbands; they're all
yours. We're waiting for our own.)
Singlehood gives a woman toughness. Sometimes toughness can come in
handy. For instance, when you walk into a store on New Year's Eve and see
Valentine's Day merchandise for sale, instead of thinking "I'm a failure
as a human being because I don't have a significant other!" you can think
"Wow, these retailers just want my money, regardless of the holiday."
Thank you once again for joining me here on Here's What It's Like To Be
Single Theater. This has been a public service announcement, and happy new
year! [Electronic buzzes beep rhythmically and then suddenly stop when
Singlechick awakens her snoring cat from her slumber.]
No comments:
Post a Comment