Surprise!

This is a photo of my cat waiting for me to play with her on my couch. Check out the readiness in her eyes. The routine that I semi-intentionally established with her is that I'll hide an object (e.g., a toy or my finger) behind a few pillows; she'll pounce on the object and playfully attack it. Rinse and repeat. Cats are routine-oriented animals, so I can't always playfully surprise-attack them. The nature of the play-routine is that, um, they know when the toy will show up. (Mama will show up behind the pillows; wait a few seconds, and a toy or her finger will magically, explosively appear for your playtime enjoyment.) Also, if I were to surprise-attack them for real (even if it's accidentally), they would cease to become my pets and immediately transform into hissing monsters who wish to kill me in self-defense. Yeah, that's right. Mama lovingly tackles her kitties once a month to trim their claws for a reason.

On this blog, I usually talk about God my Father, who loves me and everybody else infinitely more than I could possibly comprehend on this side of eternity. However, on this post, I will talk about the devil my enemy, who hates my guts and unlovingly tries to kill me, for real. And I hate him back. And I'm not helpless against him.

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." (John 10:10)

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world." (1 Peter 5:8-9)

"A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment." (Proverbs 18:1)

Perhaps anyone who's ever attended a charismatic church for an extended period of time has heard that the devil attacks people who are isolated. And yes, to a degree, that is definitely true. If you're by yourself and nobody knows what's going on with you, of course God can protect you and cover you, but there can also be so much potential for danger when you're by yourself and not walking in accountability. On the day that I attempted suicide nearly 13 years ago, I was supposed to attend a wedding, but instead of showing up, I drove home, and while I was alone, I tried that dark thing that I tried. Speaking of suicide, I think I've also mentioned briefly on this blog that a member of my lifegroup committed suicide about a year ago. He got into trouble with the law, and his situation was broadcast on the news, but he didn't contact anyone in our lifegroup to communicate that he was in trouble. By the time we discovered what had happened to him and what he had done, it was too late. There's usually safety in numbers.

But unfortunately, I've also discovered that the devil can also attack THROUGH people. I think this happened in lots of Bible stories. In 1 Kings 19, Jezebel sent word to the prophet Elijah that she was going to kill him, so he freaked out and kinda had an emotional breakdown in the wilderness. God snapped him out of it, and in the end, Elijah triumphed and Jezebel kicked the bucket. David gave in to whatever it was that kept him home when he was supposed to have gone to war, and he slept with and impregnated Bathsheba and made sure that her faithful-warrior husband Uriah was killed in the aftermath. Jesus was betrayed by Judas Iscariot, who was one of His disciples. I don't think it's an accident that Proverbs 12:26 says to be cautious in friendship. I'm not saying that we should be automatically suspicious of everybody. I'm just saying that the enemy doesn't JUST attack us when we're by ourselves.

I've discovered that the enemy doesn't bleeping care whether you're alone, whether you're in a family, whether you're rich, whether you're poor, whether you're on top of the world, whether you're in the valley of the shadow of death, whether you're a cat person, whether you're a dog person, whether you have an awesomely intimate relationship with God, or whether you couldn't care less about God. The devil hates you, and he will try to warp your brain, trip you up, or just plain kill you, whichever comes first. Have you heard it said that the Holy Spirit is a Gentleman? Yes, He is. (But sometimes God invites Himself over unannounced, very loudly, and I'm sure Paul the apostle can vouch for that.) And His enemy the devil is the opposite of a gentleman -- about as opposite as you can get. The devil is a bully. He's on a power trip. He's the worst villain that will ever exist, period. So, he doesn't always play by the rules. He doesn't bleeping care. He doesn't always attack just when you leave the door open or if he just finds a teensy little chink in your armor. Sometimes, he surprise-attacks.

I am about to use an extremely personal example, and I might get a tiny bit graphic. Wait. Maybe I should have offered this disclaimer at the beginning of this post. Surprise!

I've mentioned in a previous post the concept and destruction of (at least, my version of it) a generational iniquity. The way it was explained to me, the difference between a sin and an iniquity is that a sin is basically an event (or a non-event); an iniquity is a bent towards sin (or a tendency to embrace it).

Before I proceed to describe the iniquity I have in mind, I would like to bluntly clarify something that has been a hot-button issue for quite some time now. I believe that homosexuality is a sin, I have no sympathy whatsoever for any LGBT-related causes, and I've lost Facebook friends because of this belief. Having said all that, I don't hate anyone who is gay, bisexual, etc. I don't want to attack people. I want to attack demons, especially the ones that drilled holes inside my brain and puked homosexual desires inside me. In another previous post, I talked a little bit about my victory and about Dennis Jernigan's victory over this particular issue. The reason I write this paragraph is because there seems to be a belief floating around in the world that once you struggle with homosexuality, you're stuck with it forever. I would like to make it very clear that this belief is a lie. The truth is that Jesus is enough to overcome any sin and/or iniquity, and He made me more than a conqueror over it (Romans 8:37). Anyone who wants to be free from this sin/iniquity can be free, too. Jesus loves you, and He wants to help you. The road isn't easy, but it's worth it, and He can show you where and how to walk. Please DON'T try to change my mind about this issue, because I've absolutely made up my mind about it once and for all. (Hopefully, after reading any of my other blog entries, you already know where I stand, but I'm a fan of overcommunication for the sake of clarity.)

So, for the sake of illustrating some of the devil's surprise-attacks in my life, here's part of my story. One morning a couple of years ago, I dreamed that a woman was having sex with me. Immediately after I woke up, of course I was freaked out, so I prayed so that God would show me what the heck was going on. He told me that I had a root of homosexuality, but it hadn't been growing because I wasn't feeding it. (He showed me a picture of a shriveled-up looking sprout that wasn't growing.) Later, He clarified that homosexuality was a generational iniquity that I inherited from my father and was reinforced by my mother. From what I understand, neither of these two people ever practiced or experienced homosexuality, but they didn't need to in order for me to unintentionally inherit or carry the iniquity.

I've learned that a generational iniquity is a lot like computer software. If you buy a computer, maybe after you take it home and start to use it, suddenly something will trigger some software that you didn't know was there, and the software will run, and you'll feel helpless to stop it. Maybe if the Esc button doesn't work or if CTRL+ALT+Delete doesn't work, you could simply hit the power button until the computer shuts down completely. Or maybe you didn't legitimately buy the unwanted software; maybe you accidentally downloaded a virus. Ultimately, you'll need to find a way to uninstall the software so it won't take over or destroy your computer.

So, after God clarified that homosexuality was a generational iniquity -- even though I've never officially practiced it (and never will), even though I've never officially "liked" girls (and never will), and even though I've never officially considered myself to be gay or bisexual (and never will) -- so many of my past struggles, almost-struggles, and random WTF moments made sense.

What I feel was my most significant breakthrough in this area occurred several months ago after a WTF moment. I took my cat to the vet, and I felt an unwelcome stirring inside me while I was interacting with a female technician. I wasn't attracted to her, and neither of us was flirting or anything like that. I just noticed that something inside me clicked, as if I were supposed to have been connected to her in an illicit way. Of course, I was extremely alarmed, so on the drive home, I just talked to God, and our conversation continued after I arrived at home. I basically just told Him that whatever was inside me, I didn't want it anymore. I guess technically, my words to Him would be called "crying out" to Him, but I cried with eye-tears, and I was serious, and I meant business. I think He took me seriously, because stuff that used to turn me on -- without me wanting it to -- stopped that day. My God uninstalled the unwanted software, and He's been in the process of downloading His new software.

So, a generational iniquity is one way of the devil making a surprise attack. You're minding your own business, living life, wearing your armor, connected to God, enjoying the moment He's given you, and then suddenly -- surprise! You're hit with a temptation out of nowhere.

So, what do you do to resist the attack? Of course, Ephesians 6 lists very specific ways to fight back. I personally am familiar with two specific means of protection from and during any of the devil's attacks... because he hasn't just attacked me with generational iniquities; he's attacked me in all sorts of areas in all sorts of ways. It isn't always an obvious temptation-attack like a serpent crawling beside you and telling you to eat a piece of fruit that God said to not eat. Sometimes demons don't drill holes inside your brain and puke desires inside you. Sometimes the enemy just belches subtly into the air, and the burp's odor wafts across your face: "Oh, I'm all alone, so nobody will notice if I take my own life." Wait. What?! This smells familiar. I don't think this crap is my idea.

Firstly, it's extremely important for me to have a good, close, healthy relationship with God. I think this is actually THE most important thing, period. One temptation that the devil has flung at me many times is to believe the lie that God doesn't exist. I'm a worship leader. If I'm going to lead people into God's presence, why would I bother trying to do so if I didn't believe He existed at all? This temptation hit me just as recently as last month while I was shopping for salads. So, I'm in the Kroger parking lot, and I'm hit with this temptation that makes perfect sense because Kroger is such an evil place and buying a deli salad is such a sin, right? WRONG! Surprise-attack out of nowhere, the devil not bleeping caring about battle decorum, completely uncivilized. Should that part really surprise me? Anyway, I just took the thought captive by talking to my God out loud: "I was just hit with the temptation that You don't exist." It's the most ridiculous temptation ever, in my opinion, to tell me that Somebody I know and who I talk to all the time and who talks back to me all the time and who tucks me in at night and who sings to me and who helps me and who guides me and who hangs out with me doesn't even exist. It's like saying my cats don't exist. You saw a photo of one of them at the beginning of this post. Another one is trying to nap nearby while I'm typing this post. Hello, I know them. They're right there. Of course they adorably exist. And Somebody doesn't have to be seen with my scrawny little human eyes in order to exist. Hello, I know Him.

Another lie that I used to get hit with in alarming frequencies was that I'm not even saved. "Oh, you didn't get saved exactly like how your pastor says you're supposed to get saved, so you don't know Jesus." Surprise! Burp. Gross, excuse you! I got saved when I said a prayer -- and meant it -- when I was 10 years old. Then I got baptized. Back then, I only lived for myself. But today, I have a much better relationship with God. Lately, I've been talking to God my Father more than I talk to Jesus or the Holy Spirit, but They don't compete with each other, and They're all One, so it all counts. Jesus is my Man of Steel who came to earth to bridge the gap between two worlds -- me and God. I worship my Hero. Hello, I can tell that I'm saved because I know Him.

Secondly, I've learned firsthand how important it is to have my will in good, working order. I've heard that a person's will can get damaged in the process of abuse, etc. (If you grow up being abused and/or controlled by people, perhaps you'll understand firsthand what I mean.) Earlier this year, while I was driving home after a day of extremely intense struggling, I was crying with God and I told Him, "I want to live. I want to be OK." And He said, "I just healed your will." And ever since then, it's been a teensy bit easier to fight temptation. "Just give in. Nobody will ever find out." Surprise! Burp. Gross, excuse you! No, no, no, no, no. The only Person I give in to is God. I'm hurting like crap, so excuse you, I'm going to cling to Him.

Maybe my style is a bit crazy, but I don't play nice with the roaring lion. Sometimes, I charge at him with ranting prayers. I hope it isn't a pride thing. I hope it's more of a "How dare you try to destroy me again, you little pipsqueak whose guts I hate and who I'm sick of" thing.

I'm definitely not saying to invite an attack or to storm the gates of hell all by yourself. I'm also certainly not saying to focus on the devil or anything that has to do with him. I'm saying that he's already after you. It's important to just be ready, whether a fiery dart is extinguished in your shield of faith or whether you're wafting away the enemy's belched breath with a severely annoyed "Leave me alone; I know who I am, and I know Whose I am."

Uh-oh. Underneath that crazy-cat-lady exterior, Tirzah is actually a demon exterminator. Check out the readiness in her eyes. Surprise!