The perfect packaging

One interesting thing about Christmas is that it brings back memories of previous Christmases. This is my 37th Christmas, so I guess there are a lot of memories to keep track of. One awkward Christmas memory happened many years ago. I unwrapped a present and exclaimed something to the effect of, "Wow, a Rolodex!" with genuine delight. Then, to my genuine disappointment, I opened the box and saw that it was just a Rolodex box that had NOT a Rolodex inside it. (I don't even remember what the non-Rolodex gift was. Maybe it was a bottle of perfume or a piece of jewelry. Unfortunately, it didn't impress me enough to remember what it was years later.) The person who gave me that gift felt bad later for accidentally disappointing me. ("Awww, she thought she was getting a Rolodex!")

So, the following Christmas, the same person gave me another present which I unwrapped and which -- this time, to my delight -- turned out to be a real Rolodex. Do you remember Rolodexes? They used to come in handy before we started using smartphones and Facebook to keep track of everybody. I still use my Rolodex once in a while. Here it is pictured -- wow, a real, live Rolodex!

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

"For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable." (Romans 11:29)

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10)

God is the perfect giver of gifts. He's NOT a cruel gift-giver -- not even accidentally.

When I was in college, I was a lifegroup leader who was required to attend a leaders' meeting every Sunday. During one such meeting, we were required to give testimonies. During one testimony, one of the lifegroup leaders started giving MY testimony. He said that he saw me at one of the cafeterias leading somebody through an evangelism tract. (I believe it was a tract that we would draw while we were speaking, and we called it "The John 3:16 diagram.") While he was wrapping up the testimony, he pointed at me and said, "She's a commando for Jesus!" Everyone applauded. I shook my head and cowered in my seat in a display of false humility. And I think every time that guy saw me at church or on campus after that, he'd say, "It's the commando for Jesus!"

Commando, my foot. Back then, I was a spiritually abusive jerk who would manipulate people into saying salvation prayers. I was worshiping evangelism and using it to ease a religious guilt that had latched onto me and refused to leave. Then I would wonder why the people who would pray the salvation prayers would stop going to lifegroup meetings or church. Hmm, I wonder why. I think I was doing it completely wrong. I wasn't even being myself the right way.

Perhaps what happened was that, metaphorically speaking, God had given me a Rolodex for Christmas. Perhaps, metaphorically speaking, I had opened it and said, "Nah, I don't want a Rolodex. I want a smartphone." Then perhaps, metaphorically speaking, I tossed out the Rolodex, with its beautiful little index cards with the specialty-shaped grooves and tabs, and pretended that my Rolodex box was carrying a smartphone.

Years later, while I was in a worship gathering, God showed me a picture of myself. I was hiding stealthily behind a bush; I think I was disguised with camo, facepaint, and bush-branches; and then I charged out of the bush to attack an enemy. In my picture, I was a commando. And God said, "Don't fight what you're becoming."

Hmm, what do you know? God had designed me to be a commando after all, just not the way I had tried to manipulate it into being. I think He's been extremely graciously helping me find the metaphorical Rolodex that I had thrown away, dust it off, replace some of the damaged cards, and put it back in its original Rolodex box for safe keeping. I think He's been restoring me to become what He had intended me to be all along.

I'm not saying that God doesn't turn evil into good. (Because He does.) I'm not saying that God doesn't tweak things here and there so that our lives will gradually begin to run more efficiently once we begin to live our lives the way He wants us to. (Because He does.) And I'm definitely not saying that I'm not supposed to evangelize. (Because I am; because all of us who know Jesus are equipped to tell other people about Him; because He wants us to.) I'm saying that if God gives me a gift that says "Rolodex" on the box, there will be a real, live Rolodex inside the box. He won't suddenly be all, "Psyche!" and put a Chapstick inside the Rolodex box instead of a Rolodex. (No offense if you like Chapstick, but I prefer Carmex. Using a Rolodex box to wrap a Chapstick wouldn't even be remotely funny to me.) That's a silly example, of course, but my point is that God gifts and wraps and chooses and equips very intentionally, not cruelly.

Sometimes gifts aren't wrapped or officially opened as ceremoniously as they are at Christmas. Sometimes gifts are given spontaneously, or sometimes they've already been used before they were even identified as gifts. That's how I discovered that one of my spiritual gifts is shepherding. I took a spiritual gifts test at a class at church and was truly shocked at the results. After class, I went back to my car and was like, "WHAAAAAT??" And God was like, "You've been a shepherd all your life." And He reminded me of all the times that I would take care of people, point them in certain directions, guide them, and check on them to see how they were doing, etc. Egad! The whole time, I had been using a Rolodex without even knowing I had one!

So, opening the perfectly wrapped present and examining its contents helps life make a little bit more sense. God designed me to be a worship pastor. Sure, I have a very long way to go, and I still have a ton to learn, but knowing that the Rolodex really is a Rolodex is a huge start. It's important for me to know what I have, and it's equally important for me to learn how to use it. Doing all of that is a very awkward process, during which I've been getting pruned, but I'm much happier accepting the Rolodex for what it really is instead of wishing it were a smartphone.

So, as someone who is becoming a worship pastor, that's why I've got some worshipy tools and some pastory tools in my belt. That's why I'm a commando who takes great pleasure in stabbing the enemy in the eye with her praise-weapons and throwing a live grenade at her freaked-out, blinded enemy with her worship-weapons. That's why I'm a shepherd who has sheep-lassoing equipment. (And that's probably why Rolodexes excite me.)

I don't remember this, but I was told that when I was about 3 years old, I led the line into my church for Vacation Bible School. They lined up all of us kids according to age, and since I was the youngest, I was first in line. I marched into the church building, and I didn't realize that people were following me until I looked behind me and saw everybody marching with me. This delighted me very much. I was literally leading people into a place to worship God. I didn't have to manipulate, freak out, or stress out, and yet everything happened the way it was designed to happen, decently and in order. Hmm, I wonder why. I think it's because I was being myself the right way.

But that's just my story. Reader, if you haven't done so already, I highly encourage you to discover how God has designed you to be. I think you'll be pleased with, delighted by, and excited with the results.

Because my God is the perfect giver of gifts. When He gives a gift, even if we don't understand what it is right away, you won't be like, "Um... why are You giving me a Chapstick? If You actually knew me, I think You would have given me Carmex." And He won't be like, "Meh, it's Christmas, so I'm supposed to give you something. Shut up and be thankful." And you won't trudge back to your bedroom, close the door, turn on your boombox, and wonder why He didn't think to give you a gift certificate to the record store so you could stock your tape collection.

Because my God is the perfect giver of gifts. When He gives a gift, even if it's one we know we don't deserve, you'll stare at it for a while before actually unwrapping it, and you'll be like, "Wait... aren't You supposed to hate me? After all those times that I dissed You, You're still being nice to me?" And He'll nod ferociously and be like, "I love you. I forgive you. I want you. Please just open it. I've been waiting all year to see the expression on your face." And after you open it, you gasp, and you can't see it very well because tears are blurring your eyesight, and you feel like a complete dork because you're too stunned to say, "Thank You," but you somehow manage to eventually blubber out, "This... is exactly... what I've always wanted... even though I never really realized it. How... did You know?" And He'll smile and say, "Whose idea do you think you were in the first place?" And you look down at the veins on your wrist and hand, and at the tears that are splashing onto them, and you realize finally that the One who put your very being together knows you better than you will ever know yourself. And you gaze into His kind eyes and marvel at the fact that He isn't yelling at you for not understanding all of this sooner. Because that's just how He rolls.

Because my God is the perfect giver of gifts.