"I want to sit next to Tirzah"

I don't have a photo of this, but whenever both my cats are hungry at the same time, they will meow-beg for food, crowd around me, and follow me around the apartment until I feed them. This somewhat sad, mostly adorable scene occurs at least once per day. Of course, if I don't feed them, they'll die. (They don't need to worry about that. I feed them about 5 times per day.) They won't stop following me around until I give them what they need. Their situation reminds me of another scene with which I am also familiar.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

"For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable." (Romans 11:29)

In today's post, I'm going to talk about myself in a way that I hope doesn't puff me up. I am definitely not better than everybody else. My life is just one example of the zillions of other lives in the body of Christ. I am gifted/called one way, but other people are gifted/called in other ways, and we all need each other. (If my choir peeps are reading this, please correct me if I'm wrong.) What I hope to do is just talk about my life because, well, I know me.

When I was in high school, I finally gave in to family/peer pressure, and I joined the church choir. We usually sang out of hymnbooks or cantata books, so the music was right there in front of us. I sang alto. After a while, the altos who would sit next to me would be like, "I don't know what note I'm supposed to sing. What is our part?" And they would lean their ears toward my head while I would sing our part. So, I accidentally developed this culture in our choir's alto section of me singing while everybody else's heads would lean toward mine.

This accidental culture kinda followed me around like a hungry cat years later. When I was in a worship choir at my church about 5 years ago, I made a friend in the alto section who would lean her ear toward my head and be like, "I like to sit next to you so I can hear our part."

Then I joined my current church and started to work through some inner-healing issues. After I tried out for my church's worship team and found out that I had been accepted into our choir, I had mixed feelings. I remembered all those times when altos would lean their ears toward my head and listen to me sing their part instead of learning their part themselves. I interpreted this as codependence (which, at the time, it possibly was). Codependence is something that's in my history, and I would like to keep it in my history and definitely NOT drag it into my future. (For crying out loud, don't depend on me to learn the alto part for you. Please practice and learn your part!)

So, naturally after I settled into my church choir as an alto almost 3 years ago, the other altos started leaning their ears toward my head while I would sing our part, and rehearsals would begin with one or two altos crowding around me and declaring, "I like to sit next to you so I can hear our part." At first, this freaked me out. My accidental choir culture nightmare had followed me yet again.

However, I finally realized something important very recently: I need to stop fighting this "I want to sit next to Tirzah" vortex and start embracing it. I don't think people in my choir necessarily want to sit next to me because they haven't learned their part. I think maybe people are attracted to my leadership because it's how I'm gifted and called. I need to stop fighting my calling.

"And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ..." (Ephesians 4:11-13)

I'm definitely a shepherd/pastor. "Sheep" are drawn to me to lead them, guide them, and point them in a certain direction. In my past, without realizing how I was gifted, I took advantage of my shepherding tendency and hurt people. And I think God disciplined me for it. (Because He's serious about shepherds not hurting His sheep.) I myself am definitely one of God's sheep, so He broke my legs and has been carrying me around on His shoulders while my legs have been healing. I like it here on His shoulders, and I honestly don't want to be away from Him ever again.

Years ago, I was taught that something is a gifting if it's something you can do with ease, regardless of life's circumstances. I am definitely a worship shepherd/pastor. No matter how badly my feet hurt, no matter how terribly my back aches, no matter how exhausted I am, no matter how grumpy I may feel, no matter how emotionally war-torn my soul is, I can still lead people into worship. As soon as I see a living room full of people, or as soon as I see an auditorium full of people, my anointing will click on, and my spirit will see a gathering of sheep who are ready to meet with The Great Shepherd, and I'll get to direct them into His presence. This is something I delight in tremendously. This is something I was designed for. This is something God is very serious about, and He has spent years talking to me about it and training me for it. And I know I have lots and lots and lots of training still ahead.

Perhaps because we are human beings who like to study and dissect things, the concept of a "calling" can become an unnecessarily complicated one. When I used to attend spiritually abusive churches, the people would get very specific about their "callings." That's not to say that God can't get very specific. If you feel that God has "called" you to minister to orphans in Cambodia, please obey Him, and please go for it as wholeheartedly as you can. What I'm saying is that I used to get overly crazy about my "calling," so over the years, God has had to simplify my "calling." Whenever God simplifies something for me, He heals me.

"Listen, O daughter, consider and incline your ear; forget your own people also, and your father's house; so the King will greatly desire your beauty; because He is your Lord, worship Him. And the daughter of Tyre will come with a gift; the rich among the people will seek your favor. The royal daughter is all glorious within the palace; her clothing is woven with gold. She shall be brought to the King in robes of many colors; the virgins, her companions who follow her, shall be brought to You. With gladness and rejoicing they shall be brought; they shall enter the King's palace." (Psalm 45:10-15)

Psalm 45 is my calling. I belong in the King's house, I'm familiar with it, and I can show people around and lead them directly into the King's chamber. That's how I was designed. That's how I was made. That's a major part of my destiny.

And God usually simplifies that even further for me whenever He tells me, "I've called you to be a worshiper and a friend."

So, of course, my inner-healing process has involved God ripping things out of my life like codependence, idolatry, rejection, and loneliness -- things that get in the way of me worshiping Him and being a healthy friend.

It's been a very gnarly process. Almost 14 years ago, I responded to a "Hey, Tirzah, I'd like for you to lead worship for us tomorrow morning" message on my roommate's answering machine by driving out of town and not telling anybody about it. The next day, I attempted suicide, and then I spent a few days in a psychiatric hospital. Did I fail? Heck yes, of course I did. Did I poop on my calling? Heck yes, and I totally spat in God's face. Is it too late for me? No, I repented. I think I'm on the right track now. And I think I'm in good company, too. Didn't the prophet Jonah in the Bible do something similarly stupid that bought him a few days inside a really stinky sea animal? He repented, too, and he got a second chance, too, and he got back on the right track, too. God is a good Father who won't give up on His children. I think He looks deep inside the places in our hearts that we can't even see, and He says something like, "Aha, you really do want to follow Me, but you're hurting, and you're scared to death. I can fix that. This will be a long, bumpy ride. Are you ready?"

Yes, Father, I'm ready. Can You please point me to the devil's face? I would very much like to punch it.

So, that's my calling in a nutshell (or at least one aspect of it). But this is just my story. Everybody has a different story. Nobody's mere human story is better than anybody else's, but each person's story is just as important as everybody else's.

I'm learning how to nurture my calling, my giftings, and my dreams. Dreams don't always spring up out of the ground all by themselves. Somebody has to plant them, Somebody has to water them, Somebody has to take care of them, and Somebody has to help them grow. I'm learning that my Somebody wants me to partner with Him to make that happen.

Meanwhile, I'm also learning that if I don't teach my altos how to learn their part, I have failed. Please practice and learn your part. But you are also welcome to sit next to me as often as you want. I would like that very much.