Woe and conversation

Hey, reader, how's it going? I hope you're doing pretty well. I've kinda been struggling. But I've noticed that if I keep myself busy and emotionally puke my guts out, I tend to feel better. God has heard me emotionally retching all day, so I thought I'd spread the love to you here. If you're already grossed out or if such subject matters bother you, I wouldn't be offended if you skip this post. If you decide to pass, see ya next time. Otherwise, thanks in advance for reading.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will left up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

It's interesting that these verses don't say, "If somebody is struggling, he should email his friend from 600 miles away and ask him to pray for him." It says, "woe," as in WOE, as in "It doesn't look like you're going to make it this time, buddy; I hope your affairs are in order." It says, "That's part of the reason why God put you on this earth with other people: You need other people to scrape you up off the ground when you go splat, because you can't scrape yourself up off the ground; I mean, ka-splat, and then you're a goner." So, being around other people is important. In my psychotherapy sessions, I'm learning that it's important to have people around me to "support" me. I'm learning that I'm not a freak for actually wanting relationships.

And yet, there are times when other people are the ones who cause the WOE themselves. They aren't "supportive" at all. They're problems in and of themselves:

"Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman." (Proverbs 21:19)

Actually, variations of this particular verse seem to be repeated in three other places throughout Proverbs (in 21:9, 25:24, and 27:15). I think scripture is pretty clear about choosing your friends carefully (Proverbs 12:26). Otherwise, you could end up with even bigger problems than what you started out with. Your "supporters" could become your attackers. Woe, indeed!

So, in my rocky quest for support, I've encountered some pretty major bumps. For example, I recently made a friend who I later considered unfriending. At the time, I was having problems with my job, and I asked for prayer while I was searching for a new job. After I had the following online conversation with this friend (paraphrased), my decision to dissolve the friendship was solidified:

HER: Have you found a new job yet?

ME: No, I'm still looking.

HER: You could apply for a job as a pole dancer. Just kidding.

ME: Why would you suggest that I become a pole dancer?

HER: Oh, I'm just being a dumb butt.

If this friend had known the types of severely perverted temptations that hit me when I'm alone and desperately lonely -- and I mean DESPERATELY LONELY -- I wonder if she would have made such a heinously ridiculous suggestion, even in jest. Forgiveness is one thing, but cutting yourself off from people who are extremely unhealthy for you is another process altogether. Apparently, recognizing which people are healthy for me has never been my forte.

At a somewhat recent therapy appointment, my therapist asked me if I was able to go to my parents for support when I was a child. Um... money, sure. Do you mean emotional support? Uh... I hear crickets. Well, I don't ever remember being held and comforted whenever I would cry (if I would let anyone see my tears).

For example, one morning when I was about 10 or 11 years old, I openly whined and cried, "You love [my sister] more than me!" My mother was styling my hair at the time. (She did so until I was about 15.) She angrily replied, "I do not!" and nearly ripped out my ponytail. Sorry, but I was just finally putting into words what I had felt since my sister's birth. In fact, I'm still discussing it at therapy.

As another example, I don't remember how old I was, but when I was a young girl traveling somewhere in the family car, I suppose I was expressing my disgust or displeasure at something. My father turned around in the front seat to face me, and he said in that deeply effeminate voice that only he could bark out, "You're very irritable!" Sorry, but I don't think there's a law against expressing my opinion, and I also think I was on allergy medication that had irritability as a side effect. I comfort myself now with the fact that he turned out to be a spiritually abusive pastor.

Dang, is the whole world going to poop on me forever? When am I ever going to catch a break?

"Then the Lord awoke as from sleep, like a mighty man who shouts because of wine. And He beat back His enemies; He put them to a perpetual reproach." (Psalm 78:65-66)

These verses intrigue me tremendously. If you believe that drinking alcohol is a sin, I'll bet it really messes with your theology to have scripture compare God to a winebibber, doesn't it? I've heard that "wine had a lower alcohol content in biblical times" argument, too, but please use some common sense. I think these verses are basically describing drunken behavior, and I don't think they mean any disrespect to the God of the universe whatsoever. I think in these verses, God is saying, "Aw, come on, now, you gonna go a-hurtin' My daughter? Nuh-uh! I'll whoop yo' butt! I'll whoop you all! I'm-a gonna show you who's Boss! This'll be the last time you mess with My little Tirzah, you good for nothin' enemies!"

Aw, see? THAT'S some support that a girl can count on! THAT'S the kind of Friend, Mother, and Father that Tirzah needs!

Of course, I'm sure I can definitely count on the word "enemies" to mean "demonic forces." Do you know how hard it is to fight those things all by yourself, even with Jesus' authority? (WOE.) I would love to see the God who is a consuming fire, fueled by wine-wrath, beat my enemies to a pulp in a drunk-with-love frenzy. Aw, heck yes! God is so cool!

And yet, it's usually the gentle side of God that ministers to me the most. Anytime I express my opinion to Him, and it isn't always pretty at all, He doesn't give me an emotional or verbal slap in the face. He usually listens, and when He responds it's usually very concisely. I'm calmed down, I'm comforted, I'm encouraged, I laugh, and I'm reminded at how awesome it is to have a relationship with the God of the universe.

Why did He choose me? I have no idea. Why did He choose to have such an uneven relationship with me, with Him being the 100% perfectly flawless One and me being the 100% constantly flawed one? I have no idea. Why have I lived most of my life surrounded by people who brought me down, kicked me while I was down, and punched me in the face to bring me down? I have no idea.

But I do know that God is the One who will always be my support all the time. And He is a God who will always meet my needs all the time. He even meets my needs by bringing healthy people into my life to lean on. Yes, of course they fail me, just as I fail them, but perhaps one reason why life is traditionally 70 or 80 years long is so that we can have enough time to work through everything we need to... before we finally get to meet our drunk-with-love Father face to face.

Meanwhile, I like having conversations with Him. Intimacy is a very scary thing, but it's worth experiencing, it's worth pursuing, and it's worth enjoying.