Twenty

Due to the nature of marriage, singlehood, anniversaries, pain, catharsis, life, etc., this post is rated R.

"And it happened, as she continued praying before the Lord, that Eli watched her mouth. Now Hannah spoke in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard. Therefore Eli thought she was drunk. So Eli said to her, 'How long will you be drunk? Put your wine away from you!' But Hannah answered and said, 'No, my lord, I am a woman of sorrowful spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor intoxicating drink, but have poured out my soul before the Lord. Do not consider your maidservant a wicked woman, for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief I have spoken until now.' " (1 Samuel 1:12-16)

I'm almost 2 weeks early, but I thought I'd celebrate a couple of anniversaries now while they're fresh on my mind. Firstly, I graduated from high school about 20 years ago. It is really hard for me to believe how quickly time flies, but wow! I am old, and I am proud of it. I am so thankful that I got an education when I did, and I am so thankful that I am not 18 years old anymore.

Secondly -- and this is where I'll park for the rest of this post -- it has been about 20 years since I've had a date. I think I've probably experienced every emotion imaginable regarding my involuntary singlehood, and yet there are probably even more emotions somewhere out there that I haven't even begun to experience yet. I've been sad, I've been bitter, I've been hormonal, I've needed to hit the snooze button on my biological clock with a baseball bat, I've been happy, I've been relieved, I've grieved, I've been depressed, I've been disappointed, I've been furious, and I've been thankful. I am definitely thankful.

Years ago, my birth father tried to set up one of my male relatives with a single girl that he was acquainted with. Unfortunately, it didn't work out between my relative and this girl. When my birth father was processing it later, and my family was giving him a hard time for trying to play matchmaker, he explained, "I couldn't help myself. I just didn't want that girl to go to waste."

Go to waste?

There were very few times in my life when I was given grace to lecture my birth father. This was one of them. "Go to waste?" I repeated. "She isn't a leftover piece of pizza. Is that what single women are to you? Just a piece of leftover pizza that will go to waste? Is that what I am to you -- a leftover piece of pizza?"

My birth mother answered for him: "She's not a piece of pizza."

Except for my word-punching attitude, this abovementioned conversation was funny, lighthearted, and peaceful. (Not pieceful.) I think maybe my birth father, who was married in his mid-20s, exhibited a type of attitude that many other people have: that the purpose of every human being is to get married and have babies; all single people are useless and take up valuable breeding space on our planet. My gosh. It's My Big Fat Greek Wedding all over again.

Yes, this particular subject can be funny. But it can also be heartbreaking. Somewhat off the subject, at the beginning of this post, I talked about Hannah from the Bible. She was married, but she was barren. Not being able to conceive was extremely heartbreaking for her. It was hard enough for her to be childless; to top it off, she was mocked because of it. I think the Bible captured her pain very well, and her story had a happy ending. She gave birth to Samuel the prophet. God didn't just let her have any baby; He gave her a really cool baby who grew up and anointed kings.

But despite the frustration of singlehood and the social landmines that I have to tiptoe around because of it, I truly am thankful.

I'm not necessarily thankful to be husbandless. I'm honestly just thankful to be alive. Can you imagine what it's like to go 20 years without a date, and to not choose this extremely long period of datelessness? I can't, and yet that's been my life. Inconceivable!

But I don't think I've gone to waste like a leftover piece of pizza. Last night, I was shredding old documents, etc., and I noticed a very long pattern in my life. For a major chunk of my adult years, I've lived alone with two cats. I've paid bills. I've been involved in church. I've worked long hours. I've moved, breathed, slept, cleaned, screamed, cried, dreamed, laughed, enjoyed, written, played, sung, created, frolicked, danced, etc.

No, I don't have children, a husband, a boyfriend, or a date to show for the past 20 years, and I don't need any of that to validate my existence. But I have been alive. And for that, I am truly thankful.

And I've learned a heck of a lot. I would like to organize some of what I've learned in a list below. I will probably pepper my word-punching attitude throughout.

1) We women aren't helpless. Despite what I've shared about my neglected/abused history, my birth father did teach me a few helpful life tips after I graduated from college. As a result, I know how to check the oil level on my car and refill my tires with air. Unfortunately, I don't think he taught these particular skills to my birth mother or sister, who relied on me once to check the air on the family vehicle's tires.

2) We women are more "old-fashioned" than you may think. In my opinion, the only positive things that came out of the women's lib movement a few decades ago were 1) giving women equal pay as men in the workplace for equal work, 2) allowing women to work outside the home without a guilt trip in the first place, and 3) showing the world that women are human beings just like men are. Sure, technically we're the weaker sex... physically. No offense, but I think we women can handle emotional crises hundreds of times better than men can, most of the time. (I think maybe God created PMS so that we could have practice every month handling an emotional crisis.)

However, we women want men to be MEN. I'm not saying we want all men to be men's men who like to hunt, fish, watch sports, belch, and be extremely macho. I'm saying we want males to be the natural covering and protection that God designed them to be. If you see us about to walk into a door, open it for us. We think chivalry is adorable and attractive. If you would like to talk to us on the phone, ask us for our phone number, and call us first. Don't write your number down on a tiny piece of paper, fold it up, and hand it to us while you're outside taking a smoke break. (A man did that to me once.) Unless, of course, you're in junior high -- if that's the case, you might need to speak to a guidance counselor instead of a female peer.

I'm saying we want males to have backbones. If you're single men and we're single women, and if you like us, take a moment to work through your fear and just ask us out. You go first. We insist. God did not design us women to be the leaders in a relationship. He designed the men to be the leaders. Men initiate, women respond. That's nature. That's God's design. If women initiate first, all hell could break loose. Take it from the chick who used to have a Jezebel spirit: Initiation should be a man's thing. Do you think we'll automatically reject you? We may surprise you. You may never know unless you ask. I heard Beth Moore say once during a Bible study that we women are attracted to godliness in a man more than we are to good looks. (Otherwise, when your wife takes her children to church with her while you sit at home on your macho butt watching TV, you could end up on her church's prayer list.)

3) We single women aren't necessarily desperate. On the other hand, a single man should never assume that just because a woman is single, she will automatically be attracted to him. We kinda have standards, just like you men do. Each woman is different, but each woman is repulsed by very specific things.

The other day, I heard myself declare with a wistful sigh, "I remember when I used to be attracted to effeminate guys." Those days are over. Which leads me to my next point...

4) Men who don't have a pair should grow one. I'm begging you, please, stop breaking our hearts. Just because you grew up without a dad and are more comfortable relating to females doesn't mean that all females will be comfortable relating to you platonically. That is, if a woman really has feelings for a man, there could come a point in the friendship when she won't be able to stay platonic with him anymore. The friendship will need to become romantic or else. Seriously, you men have your entire lives to create children. We women only have a few set years, and then it's all over. Tick-tock. Biological clock.

I'm digressing a tiny bit, but perhaps you can tell how passionately I feel about this. I mean, I wrote 3 songs about the guy. I still can't believe how many years I spent on him, and he only considered me to be a sister. Dang. I had to block him on Facebook twice.

If you're a man who isn't comfortable having conversations with other men, please keep trying. Don't give up on your own species. I'm not 100% comfortable having conversations with other women, but that doesn't mean I can just hang out with other men as if they were my buddies forever, just because they're easier to talk to. You know what I mean? Eventually, somebody could start feeling something beyond friendship, and somebody could get hurt. One sin that gets a lot of airtime in the body of Christ is porn addiction, which can indeed be devastating. But what is porn? It's a picture of another human being that you will probably never have, and you're interacting with that picture as if you were married to her/him. And what is a female friend who you can pour your heart out to and assume that it will stay platonic forever? She's another human being that you will probably never have, and you're interacting with her as if you were married to her. Have you considered how she feels? Do you honestly think that she will be satisfied being your platonic buddy forever? Why do you continue hanging out with her platonically when she has already told you that she wouldn't mind having you as a boyfriend?

My gosh. I shouldn't have spent 14 years of my life on that guy. Moving on...

5) There is more to life than marriage and family. Yes, of course I would absolutely love to get married someday and have children (if I find Mr. Right before I become a senior citizen). But I'm not going to try to force any of that to happen anymore. And God certainly doesn't seem to be in a hurry to make any of this happen, regardless of how loudly my ovaries scream. There's no guarantee that I will ever get married, and there's plenty of life to live while I'm single.

I haven't written any of this to ask for pity. (Trust me. Singlehood pity is the worst kind.) I'm just venting, I'm processing, and I'm honestly thankful.

My gosh. It's been 20 years since I've had a date. I absolutely did not plan this, I did not want this, and I hope I didn't earn this by doing anything stupid when I was a teenager. But this is the life I've had so far. And I'm extremely thankful to be alive. I think my cats are, too.

Happy anniversary to me!